XI. A little more scared
Amanda stared at him, motionless, for a while. She used to like him; better, there was a time when she believed to be actually in love with him. Having him in front of her, after everything which had happened, was a curious feeling. Leah interrupted her thoughts, grabbing the collar of her blouse, and she felt struck by a sudden realization: Matt, as well as having appeared to be a good catch for her and eventually having broken her heart, happened to be Tyler's brother. She almost laughed at the idea, his brothers kept on showing up back in New York but he remained missing.
"I… Dear, you look fantastic!" He began. He was clearly surprised too, unable to find the right words. "Uhm," He pointed to Leah, "Does she mean you're married or something?"
Amanda smirked, bitterly. She wished to be… "She's Leah, she's my daughter, but no, I'm not married." She explained, raising her left hand to show the lack of rings.
"She's really cute." He complimented. Leah turned her head to the stranger who was coming close to her. She grabbed her mother's purse tightly; scared of him.
"She… she's just tired, usually doesn't act this way with people. She's really friendly, actually." She tried to justify her daughters out of character response… It was strange, she mentally added: with her other uncle, Leah had been immediately affectionate.
"So…" Matt continued. "Is her daddy about to show up and punch me in the nose for scaring his baby?"
'That's his other brother, Matt, who likes to punch you in the nose'; Amanda thought. "Uhm, no. There's…. there's no daddy around."
"He's home?"
"There's not…I'm a single mum."
"Oh… oh." Matt stammered. "This… well then, that's tough I guess."
"Yes, it is."
An awkward silence fell between them. "Uhm…. "Amanda tentatively began. "So, what brings you back to the city? Shouldn't you be in Africa or something like that building wells and killing mosquitoes?"
Pride lit up his face. "Yeah, that's why I'm here: we need new funds to finance the projects in Botswana, and a couple of new ones in Congo."
"Wow… so, this humanitarian thing… it's for real.."
"What?" Matt asked back.
"Nothing." Amanda bit her tongue: maybe referring to Matt's proverbial tendency to give up before seeing things through, hadn't been the greatest idea ever; he had just proved the contrary, after all.
"And… any idea how long you'll stay?" She suddenly asked. The idea of having around someone who wasn't a Meade, Wilhelmina or Lily to spend some time with, someone else she could refer to, well, as a sort of friend to talk with; this excited her so much.
"Uhm, at least three, four weeks. We really need money down there." He paused for a moment. He had always found Amanda to be a cute, smart girl, underrated too much from others; he included, who had lost her from his life after he had chosen Betty. And now she was in front of him, holding a beautiful little girl who definitely reminded him of something, even if he couldn't place it. "We… we really should meet up sometime, you know, just for a coffee."
She nodded mechanically, as he handed her his business card. "That's my number. Call me."
Amanda grabbed the card, giving a cursory glance at it. "Sure."
Matt smiled lightly, and attempted to say goodbye to Leah. "Bye baby!" But the little girl still refused to look at him.
"See you soon, then." He said to Amanda too. "It was good seeing you."
She didn't return the sentiment; she merely waved as he walked away.
xXx
Daniel sat with his assistant on the back seats of his company car, waiting for the driver to arrive. Edwin had tried a couple of times to start a conversation with his boss, but Daniel had answered each time with a stubborn silence. The assistant felt something was wrong, but couldn't understand what exactly.
"Daniel," Edwin tried again. "Do you think the driver will be long? It's not that I don't respect his needs, but I promised Grandma I would be home for dinner, she made roast and-"
"We kissed."
Edwin turned to him, confused. "What?"
Daniel turned to face him too, shocked as well: he hadn't meant to speak out loud. "I… nothing."
"It's a woman, that's why your head's so up in the clouds." The assistant suddenly got the point.
His boss shook his head. "It's… It's more than that."
"It's a man?"
Daniel raised his eyebrows. "Hey, wrong brother."
Edwin instantly blushed. "I'm sorry. So… what's the problem? If I can ask, of course…"
"A woman."
This time Edwin was the one to raise his eyebrows. Daniel looked at him. "What? It's not that simple, I told you."
The Meade than moved his stare from his assistant. What's wrong with him? Those tiny little eyes behind the glasses were like a lie detector: if they stare at him too much, he felt forced to tell the truth. Sometimes he wondered if Edwin and Betty could be related.
He stayed silent for a while, considering if confiding in Edwin would be a good move. The alternative was keeping what had happened to himself; but that was already proving torturous. Edwin was the only reasonable choice: his mother was likely to kill herself or Wilhelmina. For a moment he had considered calling Alexis, but he felt afraid his sister would have not taken it seriously. Finally, Betty was an option to cut off immediately, considering how it had ended between the two of them, asking her advice on a matter of this kind could result in a really awkward moment.
He had no other choice than to open himself to the little spectacled assistant sitting next to him.
"Ok," Daniel said, "but before I tell you whatever I'm gonna tell you, swear it'll stay between us, and only us." Edwin nodded very decisively.
"Edwin, I really mean no one has to know. Not even your grandma."
The younger man tried to open his month to speak, but Daniel continued. "I know you tell her everything that happens here, don't pretend."
"But is not like she's going around telling what I tell her…"
"Edwin, no." Daniel insisted.
Edwin made a slightly sad face. "Ok… I promise you on my grandma's spaghetti and meatballs I'll never say anything to anyone… not even her!"
Daniel laughed. "Wow; that is what I call a solemn promise."
"It's damn serious, I assure you." Daniel looked at him: he was wearing a very serious stare.
"So… who is she?" Edwin finally returned to the core matter.
Daniel gulped silently. It was about time. "Wilhelmina kissed me. That it, I said it."
The words, coming one after the other in a rushed sequence, resulted in being incomprehensible to Edwin for a moment, until he pieced together what Daniel had just said. Then, he opened his mouth wide.
"What… I mean when? Where? How? Why? Oh my sweet Mother of God, this is… this is … Oh my, I don't know what it is!"
Daniel chuckled: that was exactly how he imagined Edwin would have reacted. "About an hour ago, in the Hudson's offices." He clarified. "We were checking the shots, and I assure you nothing could make think something like that was going to happen… I mean, she had Leah with her."
"You let a baby watch a scene like that?"
Daniel raised his eyebrows, again. "We didn't have sex, for God's sake. We didn't even use tongue!"
"I'm not sure I want to know these kind of details…. Anyway," He said, trying to change the direction of his boss's story, "Does it mean there's something between you and her? For real, I mean."
"No! That was the first time." Edwin looked skeptical. "I'm serious. Well, I kissed her once two years ago, in the elevator, but that was more like an accident that anything else…"
"But this means that, technically, it's already the second time you two have kissed."
Edwin was right, Daniel realized. But that time everything had been resolved with a punch and a good chat, this time was deeply different. A million reasons could be found to show the difference between the two, but what troubled him most – she had been the one who actually kissed him. And she had run away, after. For what he could say to know of Wilhelmina, he had always believed she wasn't the kind of woman who couldn't face the consequences of her own actions. Particularly when a man was involved.
"I can't understand why she did it. Once I would have thought it was part of some kinky mad plot against me and my family, but I know it's not that. Not to mention that if it were she would have stayed to enjoy my shocked face."
"So, why do you think she did it?" Edwin asked.
"I… I don't know. Maybe… maybe she just feels lonely."
That was the most logical answer he could summon. He couldn't say why, out of the millions of men there are in the world, she had decided to turn to him; especially considering all the baggage they both held. And even if, for some inexplicable reason, he was her choice, then why had she acted like a girl with her first crush? She had avoided him all day, trembled at his sight, and then ran away after a single moment of courage.
To confuse matters more, he really couldn't say he hated what had happened. Wilhelmina was surely a beautiful woman, the kind you can't push away if you are so lucky to have one approach you. He knew he had to consider their history, but if he tried for a moment to forget it, or just focus on what they were now – whatever they were – he had to admit he had enjoyed that kiss.
However, there wasn't anything romantic in it, he thought. Yes, he had felt closer than ever to her the night they had dinner together, and the same right before they kissed. It was a strange feeling that he wasn't able to classify, but surely not a romantic one. Probably it was just sympathy, mixed with physical attraction - simply a healthy, physical thing between two attractive adults. But still, why she had run away like that? No matter how he rationalized it, he couldn't reach an answer.
"So, what are you gonna do?" Edwin interrupted his thinking.
"I... I don't know. This wasn't something I was expecting to happen."
"But Amanda did."
Oh dear God, Amanda. If by any chance she found out about the kiss, she would be so freaked out. The sight of the two of them chatting and having an ice-cream had made her sabotage their photoshoot; a kiss would surely lead to a fire or some kind of more dangerous accident.
Joking aside, it would hurt her. And if there was a single thing he was sure of in this crazy situation: he didn't want her to suffer any more. He might not approve of her stubborn faith in Tyler, but that didn't mean she deserved any further bad surprises.
"She thought me and Wilhelmina were starting a relationship. That's different." He finally answered.
"But doesn't any relationship start with a kiss?" Edwin pointed out. He immediately regretted it though, mostly when he saw Daniel's shocked look.
"Yeah... But.. But nothing, there's nothing, because nothing can be, and nothing will ever be." Daniel babbled. "You know what?" He added, finally holding a firm tone. "Forget everything I told you. The smartest move I can do now is forgetting everything. Nothing happened, full stop."
"Do you think you'll manage it?"
"I'll try my best."
They heard the driver return and turning on the engine, essentially ending their conversation.
"Sorry Sir, for the delay!" He murmured.
Daniel nodded his head, and simply ordered him to drive.
xXx
While waiting for dinner to be ready, Daniel was sitting with his mother in the drawing room of their family home. Despite Claire's several attempts to start a conversation throughout, he had remained silent the whole time since Amanda had left them to go breastfeed Leah. Simply, he was terrified he would inadvertently reveal to his mother what Wilhelmina had done that afternoon.
"So," Claire tried again. "How's was today's meeting with Wilhelmina?"
Perfect, exactly the subject Daniel was praying ardently to avoid.
"Uhm, fine, I guess." He answered.
"What photos did you pick eventually? I loved that one with the model playing with her plaits… the Russian one dressed as a shepherdess, c'mon, you can't have forgotten her!" She exclaimed, noticing Daniel's absent stare.
"Oh… yeah, actually, I don't remember what we chose exactly."
That was true; they got so distracted by Leah and, well, the kiss, that at a certain point they had completely forgotten why they were there together.
"I can't believe it!" Claire exclaimed smiling. "Well, there are two options: either you have suddenly grown up and renounced your traditional lenticular attention for young, pretty models, or when you met, Wilhelmina had already picked all the photos needed. Don't know why, but I'd bet my entire patrimony on the latter."
"Oh... No, she didn't pick anything."
"Daniel, are you ok? God, you got so pale..." His mother suddenly noticed. Daniel gulped: if she knew he was hiding something from her, something like that, he would be a dead man.
"Yes, I'm ok, perfectly fine." He quickly answered.
Another minute of awkward silence followed, until finally Amanda returned to the drawing room with Leah.
"Oh, here they come!" Claire said happily at their sight. She immediately stood up and went toward Amanda, in order to get her granddaughter in her own arms. Amanda silently let her grab the baby, smiling sweetly at her daughter when she went to Claire.
"You won't believe who I met this afternoon in Central Park." She said sitting on the couch.
"LiLo?" Claire joked, joining her. Daniel meanwhile chuckled slightly: it was clear how much time his mother had spent with Amanda in the last few months.
"Nope, she's in rehab... yet again, I told you last week! Anyway," Amanda went on, and gave a little sigh before the revelation. "It was Matt."
"Hartley?" Mother and son exclaimed together.
"Yup." Amanda confirmed. "I was walking and bam! I found him right in my path."
"Oh… wasn't he in Africa saving the world?" Daniel sarcastically commented. Amanda shook her head: for some inexplicable reason, he had never liked Matt; but to be honest, he had never liked the whole family.
She moved her stare onto Claire: unlike her son, she looked worried.
"What's wrong?" Daniel asked her.
Claire ignored him and spoke to Amanda. "What did you tell him? Does he… does he know anything about Tyler? Like-"
"Like that he's his half-brother?" The younger blonde completed for her. "I don't think so; he said he had just arrived in the city. He definitely didn't know anything about Leah or who her father is."
"Thank God!" Mrs. Meade exclaimed, relieved. Amanda looked at her confused: she couldn't understand why she seemed so glad Matt wasn't aware of the recent addition to his family tree. Daniel didn't know the exact reason either, but he was able to speculate a little.
Claire noticed her son and daughter-in-law's intrigued looks, but refused to give further explanation. Instead, she chose to investigate Amanda's intentions.
"Are you going to see him again?"
"Uhm… yeah, I guess. We were… friends, yes, friends; not to mention he's Leah's uncle-"
"See? This is the problem." Claire interrupted her. "He must not know of Tyler."
Amanda's eyes opened wide. "That's ridiculous. He's his brother, he deserves to know."
Claire sighed heavily. "He can't. I… made an arrangement with his father, in order to push him out the company."
"Does this arrangement involve no one knowing Tyler's' fatherly branch of his family tree?" Daniel guessed. The glance his mother shot him spoke volumes: he was right. He looked back at her, and she finally nodded to confirm.
"So, should I lie to him?" Amanda asked in a humble tone. Hiding the truth from someone, that they had brothers and nieces, that wasn't exactly her idea of reconnecting with old friend.
"Don't listen to my mother, Amanda; on the contrary, I think you should call him back, and tell him everything that you feel is right."
Claire glanced at him again; he got the message, and answered her. "I'm sorry mum, but we all haven't we all learnt that secrets don't lead anywhere. Plus, maybe it'll be good for Leah having another relative who's actually present in her life."
"Hey, that was mean!" Amanda cried.
"I'm sorry." Daniel said. "But think about it."
"Yeah, think about it." Claire reaffirmed. Of course, her intentions were the opposite to her son's.
"I'll think about it." Amanda answered, but neither knew to whom she was actually referring.
Meanwhile, Leah moved harder against her grandmother's chest; she made some sort of sound, like a protest. Claire tried to brush her hair, to calm her, but after a few seconds she noticed it wasn't working. Amanda noticed it too, and came closer to take the baby girl back in her arms.
"She's tired." She offered. Leah protested again, louder, and everyone realized she was about to burst out crying. Amanda made her rest her head on her shoulder, and whispered softly in her ear. "Don't worry honey, we're going bed. Be patient and quiet just a moment more, please."
"I really think you should call him back and talk." Daniel reiterated to Amanda.
She tore her eyes from Leah, and turned them to Daniel. "Why are you insisting on this?" She asked. "You don't like Matt, don't deny it."
"It's not about me, it's about you. You said you were friends, didn't you?" He questioned.
"Yes, but-"
"You were in love with him, too?"
"How do you know that?" Amanda burst out. Too loudly maybe: Leah immediately lost all the quietness she had gained until that moment. Her mother had to divert her attention from the adults in the room and start rocking her and whispering her sweet lyrics of some lullaby.
"That doesn't matter, now." She tried to cut him off, still rocking Leah.
"Why not?" Daniel wouldn't give up. "He's cute, nice, rich, and has a certain consideration of you - I used to listen to your monologue at the assistant desk, don't look surprised." He added, when he saw Amanda's confused face.
"Are you trying to fix me up with him?" She only began to realize.
"Maybe... I told you, why not?"
"Weren't you the one who thought the Hartley's were responsible for all worlds tragedies?"
"Oh please, let me be mad at only one Hartley at time." He joked.
If he were honest, he still didn't like Matt. Nothing personal, maybe he might grow on him... No, probably he would never like him, but he was exactly who he needed right now, or better, what Amanda needed. She needed a decent man to take care of her and of her baby; the fact he was Leah's uncle was certainly a point in his favor – whether the truth would come out or not.
Furthermore, if Amanda finally found peace, maybe even Wilhelmina would have find hers. Not that he had a lot to do with this latter, with the exception of the kiss. Or had he? This part remained somewhat nebulous.
"Oh please, don't stop hating both." Amanda replied sarcastically. She understood perfectly where Daniel was going. After all these months, she was still surprised how easy it was for him to try and pair her with someone.
"Oh, c'mon, it's not the worst idea ever…"
"Yeah, it's fabulous, brilliant, whatever… no."
She was no longer smiling. She had reaffirmed her fidelity so strongly with the her tone and stare, that further words were not needed.
Thankfully for Daniel, a maid had shyly shown up and with a tiny voice announced dinner was ready. They all stood up quickly, and walked to the dining room. After a few steps Amanda came closer to Daniel, and whispered him:
"We really need to talk later. West terrace, right after dinner."
Daniel tried to argue, but she insisted. "Please."
He nodded, only now remembering that she had promised him earlier that day to tell him new details about the events which happened while he had been away. He didn't feel so excited about them anymore thought; their last conversation had only served to persuade him that is would be just another attempt to justify Tyler's actions.
xXx
Meanwhile, a really confused Wilhelmina was wandering in her apartment. She held the newly recovered bottle of whiskey in one hand, from which she drank a little from time to time. No way could she sit or stop drinking: if she did that then she would allow her thoughts to come freely to her mind.
She simply couldn't understand what had happened. If she had to narrate to anyone the events of that afternoon, she probably wouldn't be able to tell them much more than an unarticulated series of sounds.
Passively, she arrived at the couch in the living room, where she threw herself down. Out the corner of her eye she saw the telephone, and the idea of calling Marc momentarily attracted her. But what would she say? It wasn't about a stupid dream anymore; it was real now. She couldn't blame her unconscious for that.
She rested her head against the back of the couch, and closed her eyes. The kiss immediately sprang to the front her mind, and for the first time that night she found herself sorry because it had lasted so little.
She had liked it, and that was all. Maybe it was the whiskey finally taking control of her brain, but all at once she realized she wasn't really sorry for what she had done. She wasn't sorry at all. If she regretted something, it was only that she had made the first move, simply because usually she liked to provoke her men until he was the one to start. But whatever, she knew sometimes it was necessary to take control immediately. The fact that the man in question was Daniel was a minor detail. She wasn't doing anything wrong; a little of relaxation was a right she deserved to exercise, full stop.
The trick was to see the situation as it was; while Amanda tended to exaggerate and see a potential replacement of their men in every male human approaching them, she was able to recognize when it was a case of simple distraction.
Feeling stronger for her realization, she reopened her eyes and tried to stand, and rested the bottle on the coffee table. As she rested it there, she noticed a small pink rattle; one of Leah's many toys which were scattered all around the apartment.
Smirking, she grabbed it, and almost imperceptibly brushed it. That baby was a godsend, she sometimes happened to think. She could barely imagine how things would be if she and Amanda hadn't had her. It might appear strange, considering they were almost strangers when all the madness had begun, but the same inexplicable force that at first had pushed her to Amanda and Leah, it kept on bonding them all.
She studied the rattle a little more, bell by bell. There was a bond between her and Amanda, and ultimately Leah, which could not be ignored. Again, she had to think to how the girl would react if she ever found out of the kiss, or worse, if there'd been a higher-rated sequel.
It wouldn't be positive, not even after a million years had passed. Whatever they had done, it would hurt her, she was sure. She sighed, moving the rattle casually and listening to the little sounds it made, and closed her eyes again.
Finally, she arrived at the last feeling inside; guilt. Exactly how Amanda would have liked to think she felt, but the reasons were deeply different: in the blonde's opinion, she should have felt so for not staying loyal to Connor; in reality she felt guilty for feeling ready to move on instead of being chained to the past.
xXx
"So, here we are."
Amanda turned over, and saw Daniel approaching. She smiled slightly: this was her last opportunity to bring him over to her way of thinking.
It was a windy night; however, she stood there with no more than a silky short-sleeved blouse and one of her usual too short skirts.
"Aren't you cold?" He asked once he reached her, near the edge of the terrace.
"No, I'm fine." She lied: it was clear she was actually trembling. He moved to take off his jacket, but she prevented him with her hand.
"I told you, I'm fine."
He felt the urge to debate, but after a moment of hesitation he gave up, and went directly to the core matter.
"So, what do you want to talk me about?"
She looked in his eyes for a few moments before speaking. "I want you to know the whole story, from the very beginning. I want you to get know your brother for what he is, and not what you or others think of him."
Her voice was steady, or at least she tried to make it sound so.
He took a deep breath, and answered her. "It is really necessary? I'm already aware of your opinion, and you know how I feel about them."
"No, I don't." She replied. "I don't know how you feel about it. I thought you understood, but now you're coming out with this whole Matt thing."
"I do understand but...maybe the fact he's reappeared now is a sign it's time to change, don't you think?"
Amanda, irritated, turned round, and took a few steps away. He saw she was clenching both her fists. Then, suddenly, she turned again, and marched toward him.
"You think. Think of Leah, think of her!" She cried out.
"Huh? What do you mean?"
"Do you know why she's here?"
"Amanda, my mother gave me the 'birds and the bees' speech way before today, I assure you." He joked.
"You're the usual idiot." She grumbled back. "I mean... I mean he wanted her to be here."
"That's the important fact you've been keeping to yourself? That he wanted a girl, to call after his other mother?" There was sarcasm in his voice, and it only hurt Amanda more. However, she went on.
"He asked me to have a baby."
"Oh..." That did complicate matters somewhat, he thought. "So..."
"So it didn't just happen, as you all tend to think. He had just come out the rehab, we hadn't been together a long time, but still… he felt the urge to prove to me he really loved me."
"Wasn't a ring enough? Maybe he wouldn't have ruined your life if he'd left it at that."
"Oh, dear God, why don't you-" And then she stopped suddenly.
"What?" He asked.
"Nothing. I give up." She said, and moved to leave.
He let her take a few steps, then stopped her, grabbing by her arm.
"Listen." He said. "Let's say I do believe that he's a good man; that he really loves you and your daughter, and he wouldn't have left you for anything in the world."
"So, you're suddenly convinced of this again?"
"Let's say I am. Then, something must have happened, preventing him from coming back."
Amanda immediately got where he was heading. "Don't even try to suggest he's..." She was getting pale. "That he's dead, or whatever."
He released his hold on her arm. "You seriously never considered the possibility?"
She shook her head energetically. "No. Not a chance in the hell."
She turned again, and continued her way inside.
"Amanda!" He called her back.
She was almost at the door when she stopped and returned her stare to him. Despite the distance, he could see the first signs of tears.
"Let's say it's true." Her voice was trembling, as was her body, shaken by the cold night, the anger and the sorrow. "Then start calling me a widow, if you prefer. But you can be sure that it won't change anything."
With that, she marched to the door and vanished behind it.
He stayed there motionless for an uncertain time, not knowing what else to do. Every attempt to make her see reason was useless; every attempt to ease her suffering only resulted in worsening the situation.
He was finally returning inside when his cellphone rang. Taking it from his pocket, the ID on the screen surprised him: Wilhelmina was calling.
