The Let Down

Chapter 11

By GCS

Johnny pushed past the group and headed toward the exit. He didn't speak to anyone or glance their way when they moved aside to let him pass. His rage blinded him to anything except the path to freedom. A team of paramedics rushed in with a stretcher; one man riding on the rails performing compressions while the other raced behind administering life saving breaths of oxygen into starved lungs, Johnny simply sidestepped and continued outside stopping only when he found himself staring at the parking lot. He didn't know where Joanne had parked leaving him looking fixedly into a sea of multicolored cars, and that only added to his frustration; the grip he had on his shirts tightened while he waited.

The waiting seemed to take forever. He wanted to go. The bravado he'd started out with was fading leaving him drained and a bit unsteady, of course that damned shot Brackett had given him wasn't helping.

When Roy and Joanne finally exited the ER they found Johnny standing with his back to the door. He stood so straight and still that Roy thought he looked like a statue or one of those carved Native American poles. He almost chuckled at that thought. Almost, but nothing was funny about the way Johnny stood staring.

A paramedic squad was backing in, so they waited out of the way. "Hey Roy," Gil Robinson spoke as he rounded the rear of the squad to collect the bio-phone and drug box from the back of the ambulance where his partner had left them. He leaned his head in Johnny's direction with a raised eyebrow in question. Roy simply shrugged. "Hello Joanne." He motioned to Roy's uniform. "You guys are working late."

"Yeah we had a last minute call."

"What're you doin' here? Somebody get hurt?"

Roy glanced at Johnny and back to Gil, "Johnny and Dwyer were in a collapse. I got stuck in another one. We're all okay except for some bruises; Dwyer broke his arm."

"Well if that's the worst of it." Gil nodded. "Guess I better get movin'." He closed the squad compartment. "Take it easy. See ya Johnny." He called as he disappeared into the automatic doors. Johnny didn't respond.

Roy and Joanne stood for a second, both wondering what to do next, and both looking at Johnny's back. They saw him sway slightly and catch himself. Roy reached out to steady his friend, but Joanne caught his arm and pushed it back down. She nodded to her husband. She had only seen Johnny this angry once before and nothing anyone tried to do had helped. It was best they just let him work through it in his own way. "Okay boys," Joanne coaxed. "The car is over here." She led the way around the squad toward the visitor parking. Johnny fell in step behind the couple without a word.

When they reached the station wagon, Johnny slid in the backseat behind Joanne and turned his gaze out the window. He felt a yawn trying to escape, but he forced it back down. He did not want Roy to see how tired he was. He knew he was fading fast. He'd felt this kind of exhaustion before. The kind where he couldn't keep his eyes open no matter how hard he tried. He kept the white knuckled grip on his shirts willing his body to cooperate and stay alert until he could get back to his place.

Joanne glanced in the rear view mirror as she turned the ignition key. She could see the weariness in Johnny's face. She knew he was struggling to stay awake. She also knew the tension hung so heavy in the air between her two favorite men that she could cut it with a knife. Without a word she put the car in reverse, turned and headed down the row of cars.

Roy stared out the windshield for a few minutes before glancing over his shoulder at Johnny. The man was so quiet, unnaturally quiet. He couldn't even hear him breathing, a talent Johnny claimed he'd learned from his ancestors in order to be a successful hunter. He turned back to the front before Johnny could see him looking. His partner's stubbornness was exasperating at times; this was one of those times. Clearly the man was about to pass out, clearly he was hurting…well maybe not so much after Brackett insisted on something to help him relax, but he had to be exhausted. What the hell difference would it make to admit when you are so tired you can't keep your eyes open? Roy balled his fist and pounded it against his knee. Joanne reached over and halted the assault he attempted on his leg.

Johnny knew Joanne and Roy were talking, but when the words reached his ears all he could hear was buzzing. He blinked slowly. His head bobbed. He watched the fog from his breaths spread on the glass and disappear again, but he couldn't figure out why it seemed to fascinate him or why he cared why. His steadfast grip on the shirts was not near as tight. His hand hurt. He hoped that concentrating on the soreness of his hand would keep him grounded. The fogginess in his brain made him forget to concentrate. Confusion replaced anger. Sleep replaced wakefulness.

"I think he's asleep." Joanne said as she watched Johnny's head finally come to rest against the window. "I have to pick up the kids. I hope he's okay with our house."

"He doesn't have a choice." Roy said emphatically. "There is no way we're taking him to his place and leave him alone."

"I know that, Roy, but he is a grown man. I don't know what has gotten in to you the past few days mister, but you better figure it out." Joanne glanced at her husband. "The last thing you want to do is leave 51's with everyone mad at you."

"Mad at me? What have I done? All I've done is my job. I shouldn't have even been in that fire today! I had been relieved of shift. Dwyer was there in my place. The call came in at shift change. I was on the way home." Roy's tirade ended abruptly when he realized he'd just admitted to his wife that he risked his life out of choice today. Of course he chose to do it on the job all the time, but off duty was another thing. He could see the hurt on her face. He'd said way too much.

"We'll discuss this later." Joanne stated softly as she turned the car into the drive. "Right now we need to get Johnny to bed. I have to pick up the kids. I'll get the door unlocked while you get your partner." She slid from the car without looking at her husband.

Roy rubbed his hand over his face. He knew he'd screwed up again. Hopefully his transfer would come before their next shift. If he had to work another shift with Johnny or face another day in limbo with Joanne, he was afraid he might make a mistake that would leave him alone with no wife or friends…especially his best friend. He climbed out of the car and walked around to Johnny's door, carefully opened it and caught his friend as his limp body followed the door. "Okay Junior, let's get you into the house."

Johnny felt his body lurch sideways and tried to grab onto something to stop his fall. What he managed to grab onto was Roy's arm. He blinked up into his best friend's face and tried to right himself enough to get out of the car. "W…wh…where we…your place?" He stood shakily with Roy mostly supporting him. "Why?...tho…thought…I wanted to go home."

Joanne held the door open for them to pass through. "I know Johnny, but we had to stop here. I have to pick up the kids. You won't mind staying here while I get them will you?"

"Kids?" Johnny looked at Joanne with glassy eyes. "Okay." He shuffled past. When he had managed to get into the house he tried to brush Roy's hand off his shoulder. He was supposed to be mad at Roy. At least he thought he was. Roy held on and guided Johnny down the hall, helped him into the spare room and turned to leave without a word, closing the door as he left. Johnny sat heavily on the bed, dropped his shirts on the floor and stretched his hand to work out the stiffness. Then he lay back on the bed to rest a minute before taking off the rest of his gear. Sleep claimed him immediately.

"Did you get him some sweats?" Joanne asked when Roy returned to the kitchen a few minutes later heading for the refrigerator and a cold beer.

"He's a grown man." He stated as he popped the top.

"I can't believe you."

"Why? Because I didn't baby him?" Roy's voice rose. "You yourself told me he was a grown man. Well grown men can dress themselves…can't they? Besides, you saw him try to push me away. He doesn't want my help."

"Roy." Joanne uttered a one word plea for her husband to see that his actions were wrong. She knew he cared about Johnny, but she also knew how stubborn both men could be. She sighed deeply. She didn't have time to deal with this right now. Her children would be waiting on her. She was running late already. "At least check on him in a few minutes. I'll be back."

Roy watched Joanne hurry out the door. He slammed back the beer, draining it, and reached into the fridge for another.