Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

By: DMEX

Ch. 11

Poke-Trial of the 24th in a Half Century

Time: 11:30 am Date: The Big Conference

Place: Pallet Town, Kanto

A big LIVE conference is being televised on Professor Oak's theory of Pokemon Evolution

Professor Oak: -There are more than 500 some species of Pokemon; most of them evolve but some do not-

The Police break down the door, you can even hear the squad car's siren

Officer: POLICE! FREEZE!

Officers slam Professor Oak onto the table and cuff him

Professor Oak: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?

Inspector Meguire: You've really done it this time, Sam! You're under arrest!

Professor Oak: On what charges, Mark?

Inspector Meguire: Teaching Pokemon Evolution! You of all people should know it's illegal!

(Harvey Birdman opening)

-Sebben & Sebben-

Harvey is going over an unusual case file that he had recently gotten

Harvey: Damn it! I need to know why the Angry Birds are so angry! It's vital to my case!

Peanut: The Pigs stole their eggs.

Harvey: How did you know that?

Peanut: Avenger told me.

(Avenger is plotting with the Angry Birds flock)

Harvey: Don't do something you'll regret Avenger.

* (on intercom): Mr. Birdman, you have a client; a Professor Juniper.

Harvey: Send her in.

(Professor Juniper comes in. Peanut tries to sweet talk her, but Snivy uses Vine Whip on Peanut)

Harvey: What can I do for you?

Prof. Juniper: It's Professor Oak, he's been arrested.

Harvey: So what did her do?

Prof. Juniper: He was arrested for his LIVE conference on Pokemon Evolution.

Peanut (sarcasm): That's just what we need, another trial on evolution…

Harvey: He's looking at Life in Prison… I'LL TAKE THE CASE!

(Oshawatt bursts through the door via Aqua Jet)

-Prison, Block XY, Cell 1-

Harvey: Professor Oak?

Prof. Oak: Yes, that would be me.

Harvey: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law. I'll be representing you in court. Your friend, Amy Juniper insisted on it.

Prof. Oak: I know I'm looking at life behind bars if I lose, but I want you to help me win my freedom. It's been proven that Pokemon evolve. But the bastards in the church and the Vatican are trying to censor that theory.

Harvey: The bastards! By any chance are you dating Prof. Juniper? I could use some tips on dating…

-Phil's Office-

(Pokemon Trainers are gathered around with concerned looks in their faces. Even Gym Leaders, and the current Unova Champion Alder is concerned)

Phil: Harvey, if you botch this case; Pokemon Trainers, Gym Leaders and even the Elite 4 will be out of business! Even those cutesy Pokemon Contests with the pushy trainers won't even be allowed to compete! We'd all be screwed! You hear me, Birdman, SCREWED!

Harvey: Who's the Prosecution got?

Phil: Paul Heyman.

Harvey: PAUL HEYMAN? OF ALL PEOPLE?

Phil: That's why all these Trainers, Gym Leaders and Coordinators are in my office. They don't want to have to give up their Pokemon. Paul Heyman has NEVER LOST A CASE IN 14 YEARS! Be careful Harvey, Heyman is VERY CRAFTY!

-The day of the Trial-

Line in the Sand (instrumental version) is heard as Harvey, Peanut and Professor Oak (all dressed in black tuxedos) are in the helicopter. They land on top of the Courthouse and head to the courtroom

-Court-

Judge: King Yemma Bailiff: Ms. Bellum

Prosecution: Paul Heyman Defense: Harvey Birdman

Ms. Bellum: All rise. Court is now in session. King Yemma is presiding.

(Thunderous footsteps are heard as King Yemma comes in. The Oversized Table is brought in by Kid Goku, then leaves while munching on steak on a stick)

Yemma: You may all be seated. This court is session!

(Slams his oversized gavel)

Yemma: And Mr. Heyman, I'll be watching you! I know everything about you! Mr. Heyman if you would?

(The crowd and jury boo loudly)

Heyman: That's right! When Paul Heyman talks, everybody listens! Now then; the defendant, Professor Samuel Oak has been arrested for teaching Pokemon Evolution. Everyone knows that evolution DOES NOT EXIST-

Yemma (sarcasm): Thank you Mr. Heyman; that was as boring as it came…

Heyman: I am not boring!

Ms. Bellum: I beg to differ…

Yemma: Mr. Birdman, your testimony if you please?

Harvey: My client has been arrested for teaching the basis of all Pokemon Trainers, EVOLUTION! How is it that there are more than 500 plus known species of Pokemon if they don't evolve? The Government, the churches and the Vatican is trying to censor this well known fact that Pokemon do evolve so that the second Spanish Inquisition would soon once again dominate the rest of the world! Why even Trainers, Coordinators, the Gym Leaders and the Elite 4 would be forced to abandon their Pokemon; their best friends, if you the jury convict my client! Do you want to take that chance? I-don't-think-so!

-Court-

Heyman: State your name for the court.

Misty: Misty.

Heyman: And what do you do for a living?

Misty: I'm a Water Pokemon Gym Leader.

Heyman: So you continue to use blasphemy in the sacred courtroom?

Misty: Pardon me?

Heyman: You heard me! In this court room, we don't use the term EVOLUTION!

Yemma (angry, banging his gavel): MR. HEYMAN; YOU BETTER WATCH YOURSELF!

Heyman (angry): WHY DON'T YOU CAN IT AND LET PAUL HEYMAN SPEAK!

Harvey: OBJECTION!

Yemma: Motion granted, the witness may stand down.

(Misty leaves crying)

Yemma: One more outburst Heyman and you'll be sorry!

-Court-

Harvey: Professor Oak, when you we're arrested for teaching Pokemon Evolution what was going through your mind?

Prof. Oak: Betrayal.

Harvey: As to who betrayed you?

Prof. Oak: The science committee. I have an idea as to who had me arrested.

Harvey: That being?

Heyman: OB-F'N-JECTION!

Yemma: Sustained! The witness may speak.

(bangs gavel)

Prof. Oak: Paul Heyman is the only one who stood everything to lose if the conference went off without a hitch.

Courtroom gasps

Yemma: Please explain yourself!

Heyman: OBJECTION! THIS IS ALL HERESAY!

Yemma (bangs his gavel): You better make this count Birdman! Or I'll have to rule in favor of Mr. Heyman.

Harvey: The witness may step down. Professor Amy Juniper to the stand.

Professor Juniper is at the stand

Harvey: What exactly did Paul Heyman have to lose if Prof. Oak's conference went as planned?

Prof. Juniper: Heyman's Law. It would have forced all Pokemon Trainers to relinquish their Pokemon and abandon them.

Kid Goku (in the crowd): Bully…

Heyman (angry, to Goku): NOBODY ASKED YOU!

-Court-

Harvey: What you see is a normal everyday Poke Ball. I am going to show you and prove once and for all that Pokemon do evolve. With this Pokemon…

Yemma (angry, banging gavel): MR. BIRDMAN, YOU BETTER A DAMN GOOD REASON FOR THIS!

Harvey: We do Your Honor. C'mon out Eevee.

(Eevee comes out. The courtroom admires it's cute and cuddliness)

Paul Heyman roars into laughter

Heyman (sarcastically): Good frickin' luck trying to prove your point!

Harvey: Eevee has several evolutions depending on the condition. As you can see, I have with me a Flareon, a Vaporeon, an Unbreon, a Glaiceon, an Espeon, a Leafeon and a thunder stone. You are about to witness an evolution with this thunder stone.

Harvey touches Eevee with the thunder stone. Nothing happens…

Harvey: Give it a minute…

(several seconds go by)

Harvey: If it may please the court, I'd like to play some country music on this jam box.

(Harvey plays Jimmy Wang Yang's WWE entrance music)

-Court-

Yemma: Has the jury reached a verdict?

A bright flashing light appears. When it dies down, Jolteon is standing where Eevee was.

Yemma: What just happened?

Harvey: I told you Pokemon evolve.

Heyman (angry): NOOOOOOOOO! NO GODDAMN YOU!

Yemma: I have seen and heard enough. God bless my crusty heart; in all my years of Judgments in Other World and my years in Harvard Law School I have never seen a Pokemon Evolution as long, yet a magnificent as this Eevee's. Therefore; Professor Oak is free to continue to teach Pokemon Evolution and is free to go!

(bangs gavel. the courtroom cheers as 3 Cheers for the Red White and Blue is played by George W. Bush's Presidential band)

-Sebben & Sebben-

Harvey: Well, it looks we dodged a very big bullet!

Prof. Oak: Whew… I'd hate to think what would have happened if Paul Heyman got his way…

Meg Griffin: Has anyone seen my Eevee?

(Jolteon comes up to Meg. Meg soon figures it out)

Meg (angry): YOU BASTARD! YOU EVOLVED MY EEVEE!

Meg leaves wailing

Stewie: She needs to get laid, big time…

Everyone laughs

(The Angry Birds press the trap door switch and Piplup falls through it again)

Everyone laughs harder

(Harvey Birdman credits)