A/N: Sorry for the lack of updates, I've been busy graduating high school, and getting my chaotic life in order... Not mine. Rowlings. you know the drill: Read. Enjoy. Comment. Rinse. Repeat.

-valtoni


The had walked only a few feet into the trees, in a part of the forest that Hermione had never entered before when Snape asked her to light her wand. She stayed just a few steps behind him, and when he stopped periodically in wariness of an unexplained noise or motion, he would protectively put his right arm out and slightly behind him around the front of Hermione. He didn't actually touch her (although the bag he carried did bump against her thighs on more than one occasion) and it seemed to be more of a natural reaction than anything else. She found it slightly amusing for reasons unknown.

Hermione noticed then that he carried his wand in his left hand. He was left handed. She had never actually thought about it before. She supposed she must have noticed it and if it were ever to be a test question: 'True or False, Severus Snape is left handed,' she would have answered correctly, but she'd never actively filed that bit of trivia away in her brain before.

There was yet another crack in the darkened woods and Severus again protectively cast his arm out around the girl's midsection.

'Damn it!' he thought to himself 'you've done it again,'Each time this had happened he had told himself that there was nothing in this dratted forest. Certainly nothing that warranted such a strangely protective reaction from him… nothing he couldn't deal with in an instant if it dared to threaten the girl behind him.

This was when he realized that they were still stopped in their tracks. She was looking slightly down and to her right, obviously listening hard, and his damnably independent arm was still extended out in front of her. He knew there was nothing out there, but his continued silence and stillness was obviously reeking havoc on her nerves… why else had she suddenly reached out to grab the back-clad arm that stood out solidly in front of her… with both hands… just above his elbow.

"What is it?" She finally managed to whisper up into his ear.

Here he put his arm down and began walking forward again, being sure not to tread too cautiously. He realized that if he was comfortable in the forest than she would be.

"Just the manitcores and dragons out for their nightly perambulation… on the search for head girl hors d'oeuvres." He said without any apparent joke in his voice.

"Oh, ha-ha," She said, but she was quickly releasing the pent up tension that the frequent, silent stops had produced in her. She even went so far as to walk around him in the path, upgrading the speed of their pace from warily sneaking to comfortably meandering.

She led this way for another few minutes, asking him directions if there was a fork in the path. As she marched on ahead of him, he noticed her shoes… the same ridiculous looking little flat things that he had seen once before. They were caked with mud, and her bare lower calves where spattered with it also.

"Honestly, Granger, we really must find you find some suitable boots," he said without thinking. He stopped for a second; mortified that he had actually just said something so frivolous. She did not notice his pause, or his apparent discomfort at beginning a conversation that held promise of concerning footwear, and footwear alone. She happily continued to charge through the trees as she said,

"No. I already have boots. I just wasn't expecting to go on a forest expedition this evening, and I certainly wasn't going to need my dragon-hides for reading ten feet away from the castle door."

He smiled at her back as she continued her rant, and he couldn't believe that it was actually interesting to hear her stream-of-consciousness opinions on the mundane subject.

"And, of course, I like how these little flat muggle things look. Much better that the school issued ones and even a bit more comfortable too. Yes, I'll admit, my feet are killing me and it'll take an hour to evanesco all the mud from their soles, but they weren't designed for off-roading, so to speak."

She paused, both vocally and physically for a split second. 'God, Snape must think I am the most single-minded, air-headed, trivial person... how long have I been talking about shoes? Fix it, Granger, fix it!'

"Not that, not that you care about that, Professor." She mentally slapped herself.

"So…" She searched for a safe subject that would give her embarrassed pink cheeks some time to cool off. "How much farther?"

"Actually, I believe we should pause here, and I suggest you get comfortable, it may be awhile."

"Professor, we wouldn't be waiting for wild unicorns too… um. Hmm… Would we? Cause that seems a little…"

"Stupid, dangerous, impossible?" He offered

She smiled at him in agreement as he knelt down to open the black bag and pulled out a few apples. He then removed something that looked suspiciously like a cake stand… and then something that looked suspiciously like a cake.

"Angel food" he answered the question that her cocked eyebrow had posed. "It's all in the bait, and I suppose having a female presence around certainly won't hinder the process."

"Process?"

"How familiar are you with the ranching industry, Miss Granger?"

"Well, I don't hate a nice steak. Other than that…"

Here he pulled out a contraption that could best be described as a large tube with some rubber piping at one end and hose attached to a bag at the other.

"There are times when muggle ranchers need to collect semen from their animals… stud horses and bulls are the most likely subjects, usually to test fertility, and sometimes to participate in artificial insemination of a female animal that wasn't open too… courtship."

Hermione unsuccessfully stifled a giggle.

"And this is what they use." Here he held up the tool.

She couldn't help herself now; she was almost doubled over with laughter.

"Honestly Granger, this is a scientific procedure that is vital to the success of out potion, and I'd appreciate that you treat it as such." He scolded, although his heart wasn't in it.

"Oh, right, Snape, you and I basically helping a unicorn masturbate isn't a little bit funny"

"Not in the least," he said through pursed lips, although his cheekbones were a good two inches higher than normal, and his eyes were dancing with silent laughter. "Now let me teach you the vibrating spell…"

Here she guffawed once more before going into a sort of silent laughter that left her eyes shut and her entire body on the forest floor, as the laughs contorted her little frame. And Snape lost balance as he began to laugh aloud and went toppling from his crouched position in front of the bag to lay on his back let the ridiculousness of the situation sneak in.

Hermione was actually the first to recover, and she sat up momentarily saw her professor's face as perhaps no one had ever before seen it, relaxed into pure mirth and enjoyment, as his chest heaved violently… just before he held up the offending device and had the audacity to begin pumping it in the air as he, too fell into the wonderful mystery that is silent laughter. Her vision of him was obscured as her eyes scrunched once again with laughter. She was again racked with giggles and fell forward from her seated position onto his chest, where she crossed her arms and buried her red face as the two laughed it out.

As the 'Ah-hmm,hms and the "Ah-whoo-hoos' died down from the person who had ('Accidentally, old boy, get a grip, it was an Accident') placed their entire torso on his chest, Snape got up and began arranging things.

"Funny or not, Miss Granger," He said as he put the angel food on the server. "It is something that must be done." He dropped a whole apple into the hole in the cake and pulled out a pocket knife to start cutting the others into thick slices.

Hermione came over and grabbed an apple. She performed a quick charm she had learned from her time at the burrow that would make her wand act as the handle of a knife. The two cut apples in silence for a few seconds.

"So let me get this straight, and I promise I won't laugh this time. We lure a male unicorn to us with (here she gestured at the cake with lay on the ground a few feet away) you stick a receptacle onto it's member and I vibrate it's was to completion?"

"Yes. And we may both have to put a holding spell on its front half. Oh, By the way…"

He took out his wand and she dropped the knife spell and raised hers to match his in a slightly complicated flourish. "Vibratto… Repeat. Direct it toward that tree branch." He directed.

A fallen branch began to shake gently.

"Good. Now we wait."


Night had fallen completely and the new moon was just beginning to be seen over the tops of the trees in the small clearing when Snape sat up and gestured at Hermione to stay still.

He was staring intently into a thick patch of forest directly in front of them and began to slowly get up.

Then Hermione saw it. With its Clydesdale size and two foot horn she should have been frightened, but all she could focus on was its beautiful, brilliant coat, as pristine as newly fallen snow. Its elegant strength had mesmerized her and she had to snap out of it as Snape finally drew himself to full height and the Creature reared onto its hind legs in nervous alarm.

For a second Hermione thought she was going crazy, but it only took a moment to recognize the voice in her head as her professor's. He was staring at her.

"Hermione, he's too frightened of me. Slowly stand and offer him an apple. Relax him."

As she approached the animal and quieted him, Snape continued to offer the same words of comfort to her as he would have to the animal.

"Hush now, Whoa. Good boy… That's it Hermione, it's working."

She relayed some of these endearments to the unicorn, punctuated with a few 'dearies', and cooing noises of her own.

He had soothed her in her initial awe of the animal as much as she had soothed the animal itself.

The unicorn was now fully in the clearing, his mane was being lovingly stroked by the female presence.

It took Hermione a second to notice that string of calming pleasantries that was coming from inside her own head a moment ago was now being expelled from the man standing next to her. Snape had taken the animal's head in his hands and was now cooing words that were nonsensical to Hermione in that black velvet tone of his.

"Un milo, kirie… ise omorfi. Tikanis?

She faintly recognized the 'tikanis' as Greek when he stepped back and said,

"Well, I suppose, we'd better get this over with."

It turned out that during the actual task there wasn't a lot to laugh about. It consisted mostly of lots of averted eyes and an overwhelming desire to be anywhere else.

It didn't take more than 15 minutes for them to have what they wanted, and their donor had collapsed, content and exhausted after his… tryst. Snape had carefully packed the product away and washed his hands with his wand, when he went back to where the creature lay.

"Thank you, old boy." He patted his long white neck.

Hermione watched him watch the creature for a second.

"You know," she ventured. "you might try to bestow a little of that charm on your students from time to time…most of them would never believe you'd be so good with animals from the way you treat children."

"I'm not charming to Hogwarts students?" He joked.

She found it was easier to talk to him when he was crouched on the ground with his back to her. There where no eyes to intimidate, and distract her.

"To be honest, I've found you incredibly condescending to the entirety of my class from first year."

He stood up and faced her. Those ebony eyes twinkled in the moonlight and the light from his wand. She couldn't have looked away from them if she'd wanted to.

"I find it impossible to be condescending to a creature that demands respect."

He held her gaze for just a split second longer than he should have.


The walk back to Hogwarts was the longest, most silent and darkest of her life thus far…

and she savored every second of it.

A/N. So, who out there speaks some greek?

i don't really, i just love the language and culture and have grown up around it.