AN: Wow...the comments though. I have never felt more flattered by complete strangers in my entire life. So seriously thanks guys. BTW Eve never apologize for having long comments, i loveeeeee them. And yours in particular are so in-depth...they just make me incredibly happy. But not to undermine other comments because really they were all pretty fantastic. Which makes me want to mention TheUnknown for a sec, you always call Maura a bitch in your comments, and it's bad but it makes me laugh every time. Anyways a lot of new commenters, too many to mention individually. There were like 45 and awesomely mostly everyone responded to my question. I really was planning on ending this story next chapter. And i still plan to end it soon, but it seems after writing this chapter i've noticed a few complications with that plan (complications which most of you already foresaw). So it might take two more chapter or more idk. Anyways, i'm probably forgetting a bunch of things i wanted to say but yeah, this is getting too long. Read and tell me what you think.
"Maura, I am so unbelievably in love with you."
The moment you say it you see Maura stumble back from you. Just a bit. Like the weight of your words have physically knocked her off balance. You can decipher from her expression that she's shocked by your declaration. Or at the very least shocked that you told her. Either way, she wasn't expecting such blatant honesty.
It's only after a few moments of tense silence, of both of you staring at each other that you see Maura's shoulders start to shake ever so slightly. Her bottom lip trembles a bit, the way it always does right before she's about to cry.
"No, no, no, no you don't get to do that. Stop it," you cross your arms tightly, trying valiantly to stop yourself from reaching out, from coddling her. It's funny; after all this time, after all the pain she's unintentionally caused you, the sight of her upset still makes you weak.
Maura sniffles a little, pressing the heels of her hands roughly into her eyes, and you can tell she's trying to control herself. She's genuinely trying. And your heart can't help but thump painfully at the sight. It seems when it comes to Maura, your guard is perpetually down
So before you can even think about stopping yourself, before you can even remind your heart to stand its ground, you close the distance between her body and yours, wrapping your arms around her waist and pulling her in. Almost immediately, the normally composed doctor crumbles into you, tiny sobs wracking through her body.
"I'm s-sorry," you hear her whimper against your chest, "I just–I just can't, Jane." And you don't know exactly what she's trying to say. You don't know if she simply can't stop crying. Or if maybe she's saying she can't return your feelings.
Either way, it doesn't matter because what you do know is that Maura isn't returning your sentiment. You haven't won her over with some declaration of love. You haven't sparked some long suppressed affection within her. Even though you've essentially sacrificed every bit of pride within yourself, even though you've all but lain yourself at her feet, you realize nothing really has changed. Her heart still belongs to Ian. "I'm sorry," you hear her mumble again, her arms wrapping tightly around your neck.
"I know, Maur. It's okay," you try to sound comforting but your voice breaks a little without your permission, "Just…don't cry, okay. Please."
She doesn't stop though; you feel her vibrating persistently against your chest, silent tears dripping steadily onto your shirt.
"Come on, Maur," you whisper quietly after a moment, letting your hand stroke lightly against her hair. "I didn't tell you I was in love with you because I thought it would change things. I didn't expect you to leave Ian for me."
She shudders hard against you at the sound of his name, a new batch of tears falling quickly from her eyes. But you wait patiently, holding her until they've subsided enough to continue, "You don't owe me anything, okay. I don't expect anything. I didn't expect anything. Sometimes, people don't say I love you to hear it back, you know…sometimes they just say it because they can't not say it," you pause for a moment, not quite sure what more to say.
After a minute or so, you feel her body shiver quickly against yours, but you're not certain if she's still crying or just feeling the aftershocks. So you lean back a bit, just enough to see her face completely. It's tear-stained and red but no less beautiful. And you wonder transiently when you'll stop finding her so completely breathtaking. You wonder when your fascination with her will finally wear off. Because it seems even with your bones aching, even with your heart so irreparably broken, she's still stunning to you. You still love her. You lean in slowly, letting your lips rest against her forehead; you hear her exhale heavily. "I'm sorry for making you cry, Maur," you say after a moment, "I hate it when you cry."
At that she shudders again, and you hear her release what sounds like a pained groan.
"Don't apologize to me. Please," she whispers resolutely even as her voice shakes. She pulls back from you slightly, your lips detaching quietly from her forehead. "Jane," you hear her sigh before moving her hands up to cup your face lightly. It's only then, when you feel the soft skin of her thumbs stroking at your cheeks that you realize you've been crying. "I just…" she says before pausing, staring at you intently, trying to find the right words. You can't quite understand the look she's giving you right now. When she'd pulled back, you'd expected to see sadness, pain, maybe even pity in her eyes, but the way she's looking at you now, the way she's gazing up at you like you're some kind of angel, it doesn't make sense.
"You care so freely," she whispers out poignantly, pulling your face close enough to rest her forehead against yours. "You are just utterly miraculous, Jane Rizzoli," she finishes quietly, breath brushing over your skin for a moment before she finally pulls away. Releasing your face. The moment is so intimate, and her words are so affectionately phrased that you can't help but wonder fleetingly (and maybe hopelessly) if on some level she feels the same for you, if maybe her feelings go beyond attraction and platonic fondness. You wonder if the circumstances were different, if they weren't so rigidly set, if she wasn't engaged and you hadn't waited so long, if there had never been an elevator kiss, if there had never been an agreement, if maybe then… you would have had a chance. It maybe then she would have chosen you.
"I have to go," she says after a moment of shared silence. But she doesn't immediately back away from you, and you don't immediately let her go. Because to some degree, both you know that once this moment ends, once this conversation is finished, it's over. The words will be out, the truth will be revealed, there will be no more innocent, platonic guise to hide under. Now, every touch you give her will be intentional; now every word you say will have all the more meaning. Because now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, she knows.
It takes a few minutes of just hugging each other tightly before finally, Maura breaks away. You nod at her, tucking both of your hands deeply into your pockets, trying to stop yourself from reaching out, trying to stop yourself from holding on. She wipes her eyes, smoothing out her now somewhat wrinkled blouse before looking back at you.
"Goodbye, Detective," she says finally, and you feel the little remnants of your heart ache slowly.
"Goodbye, Maur."
"Was that her?"
You hear Riley's voice as soon as you open the door. It's sympathetic and concerned and more compassionate than you've ever heard it. And when you finally nod your head, you see her sigh sadly.
"I'm sorry Jay."
You lift your hand dismissively, hoping she'll leave it alone. You don't want to talk about it.
"Come here," she commands softly, waving you over to the little space between her knees on the couch. When you finally sit down, your back to her, she wraps her arms tenderly around your neck pulling you in close enough to rest her lips against your shoulder.
"I'm gonna take a wild guess and say whatever talk you two had out there completely killed the mood."
You rake your hands through your hair tiredly before shrugging. "I'm a little surprised you weren't eavesdropping." Riley chuckles quietly at this before shrugging herself. "I figured if you wanted to talk about it, you would."
"I will at some point…just not tonight," you say quietly , and she hums understandingly against your throat.
"Well listen, I don't have to go to work for another…" she pauses briefly, turning her head quickly to look at the digital clock on your nightstand, "3 hours, so…we can do whatever you want to until then." You tense up a little at her words. It's not because they aren't incredibly kind. You know she's just trying to make you feel better. It's just that Riley and you have developed this sort of sexual relationship since you'd driven her home one night from the Dirty Robber 2 months ago. And even though she's gorgeous and sexy and wonderful, you just don't know if you can be intimate with anyone right now.
"I don't really think I'm up for any uh…activities right now, Ry," You respond honestly, and she simply chuckles against your throat before kissing it.
"I said whatever, Jane. If I thought you wanted sex, I would have said sex."
"But I thought this was a—I don't know… no strings attached type deal."
"Yeah, well…" she draws out slowly, "that was more your idea than mine. I would have settled for being your girlfriend."
You stiffen immediately at the last word, but Riley only rolls her eyes and holds you closer, kissing the space right below your ear. "Relax, Jay," she whispers comfortingly, "I can wait."
Maura's POV
When you arrive home, Ian greets you eagerly at the door
"You won't believe all the job offers I received today," he grins, pecking you on the lips before plopping down the sofa with his laptop. He squints his eyes at the screen excitedly before reading off the names, "Massachusetts General, Sturdy Memorial, Lanhey Clinic, Nashoba Valley…" he looks at you enthusiastically only to realize you aren't responding. In fact, you haven't even moved from the front door. You consider briefly how odd you must look to him. Utterly devastated even as he shares all this good news. It's just your mind cannot leave Jane. You'd even driven clear pass the house, lost in the same repeating memory.
"Maura, I am so unbelievably in love with you."
"Is something wrong, Maura?" he asks concernedly, pushing his laptop to the side before getting off of the couch. When you don't respond immediately, he looks you over curiously before looking down at his watch. "I thought you were going to be out until late," he pauses not quite understanding your behavior, "I thought you meant you'd be working…Did something happen?" You just nod a little in acknowledgement that you've heard him, that you intend to answer
"I was with Jane," You say simply, but his eyebrows rise almost dramatically.
"Jane Rizzoli? Why? Did something happen with her?" His questions come so rapidly and so worriedly that you don't know which one to answer first.
"Did she hurt you?" He asks finally after a moment of you not replying, and for some reason that question shakes you out of your daze.
"No, of course not, Jane would never hurt me. Never." You don't mean to sound so upset by his suggestion; he's just concerned about you. He's worried. Besides, he doesn't know anything about Jane. All he knows is that she held you up against an elevator wall and kissed you after months of tormenting you, and wow, why is that all he knows? You spent months with Jane, getting to know her, getting known. You spent countless afternoons pressed into her side and countless evenings eating dinner across the table from her. You know her; she's important to you. She's not just some woman who kissed you that one time months ago.
But you realize that's all Ian knows of her.
That's all you've let him know.
And you're starting to recognize just how much you've instinctively hidden from him. It isn't as if you consciously decided to keep quiet about your friendship with Jane; it's that you've never really felt comfortable talking to him about it. And maybe that's because some part of you always knew it was something more than a friendship…even before the kiss, even before Jane's declaration of love. Despite your intentions, despite how you reasoned it to yourself, maybe part of you always knew. It's the only way to explain why you never told Ian. It's the only rational answer.
And god, that more than anything makes you feel like a cheater. Because a drunken kiss can be reasoned away, a few nights cuddled up on your couch can be reasoned away, but keeping her a secret? Keeping her shadowed from your fiancé when you could have easily explained your relationship to him…well, that…that speaks for itself.
"Ian there's something I need to tell you," you pause for a second, shaking your head before resolving to be completely honest with him. He deserves it. Jane deserves it. "Actually, there are multiple things I need to tell you."
"Oh…okay," he looks at you a bit nervously, your phrasing making him a little anxious. He sits back down on the couch, and you quickly join him, needing to be eye level .
"Jane and I are friends…" you say vaguely, and he eyes at you a little perplexed before nodding his head slowly. You can tell he was expecting something a little more surprising.
"Well you said the two of you were reconciling, so I guess…" he pauses when you shake your head and reach out to lace your fingers with his. "No, we are—were best friends. For a very long time. Probably from a week or so after your absence…"
This time his eyes widen in genuine surprise."Wow…you've been friends with her for almost what 8 months…why didn't you tell me?"
At this question, you bow your head a little, trying to maintain your courage. "I don't know…I guess I didn't want you to know. Jane and I–we have a very uh unique relationship." At this he leans back a little, his eyes becoming slightly narrower.
"Expand, Maura."
"Our friendship may have resembled a more, " you clear your throat uncomfortably, "romantic relationship… omitting the more intimate portions, of course."
You try to sound detached when you say it; you try to make it not seem as bad as it is, but Ian rips his hand from yours almost immediately, your clinical explanation doing nothing to diminish the hurt expression on his face. "What are you trying to say, Maura? You cheated on me?"
"Define cheating," you respond almost instantly, slipping back into your more deceptive habits, but you know it's the wrong choice when you see Ian's eyebrows furrow angrily. The betrayed look in his eyes is enough to make your heart hurt. You so desperately want to revert back to your roundabout explanations and half-truths. But you realize now that the truth is not divisible. Either it is complete, it is not the truth at all. "I mean, yes, we did–I did kiss her once." He exhales so harshly at your words almost as if you've kicked him in the stomach.
"You kissed her?" he tries to clarify, tries to somehow make you take it back. Because it's easier for him to paint Jane as the bad guy, the seductress and you as the naïve, lonesome damsel who simply fell into her trap. But that isn't the truth.
"Yes I-I kissed her."
"And who stopped it?"
You hesitate for a moment, ashamed. "Jane."
"God," he groans so loudly it scares you, "You just—God!..you didn't do anything else with her, did you? Please, tell me you didn't."
"Besides the kiss…and frequent," you clear your throat awkwardly again, your cheeks reddening, "cuddling, no, nothing else." He pauses for a long moment, just looking at you, eyes wide and judgmental.
"But you were just with her now," he states accusingly, "what were you doing?"
"I went to her apartment because we were supposed to have dinner, and she canceled. And I-I was upset. So I went there, and she was," you pause, remembering a disheveled Jane slipping out from her apartment.
"She was what Maura?" Ian pushes you on impatiently.
"She was um busy…but at any rate, we talked. And then we argued. And then she…she told me that she loved me, that she was in love with me…and then we talked again briefly and I left. Nothing happened-"
"What do you mean 'nothing happened'?" Ian interrupts , staring at you intently, "you just told me she said she was in love with you."
"Yes, but I meant infidelity wise."
"All of this Maura," he says, raising his voice at you for the first time, "is cheating. Emotional infidelity is just as, if not more so, disloyal than a physical affair." You consider his words quietly. Emotional infidelity. Had that been what it was? It takes a few minutes of silence between the two of you before Ian finally sighs. You can hear him composing himself, trying to reign in his emotions.
"Maura," he says sadly, his frustration from earlier all but gone. . It's odd how rapidly his mood has calmed, but Ian then again has never really been one for anger. That's probably one of the most jarring distinctions between Jane and him. She's all passion and flaring temper. Flailing hands and a choleric temperament. Ian, on the other hand, is all quiet concern. A raised brow and an uneasy smile.
Ian told you he loved you in the middle of breakfast; he just snuck the words in right over a cup of herbal tea. And Jane, well she told you she loved you on the dingy steps to her apartment. She just kind of groaned it out as if she was in pain. As if the words were literally ripped from her chest.
The two of them fought differently. The two of them loved differently.
"Are you in love with her?" he asks after a moment, taking your hands loosely in his. It's such an oddly simple question, and yet you'd never thought about the answer. When Jane confessed her love for you, you never considered if you returned them. You're with Ian. You love Ian. And that's the end of it. But now that he's asked you in such a straightforward manner…it's not so black and white. It's not so clear. It's just…the feelings you have for Jane are different from the ones you have for Ian. They're so different that to classify them both as love seems almost a disservice. You shake your head a little at your confusing thoughts. What matters most isn't what exactly you feel for Jane. What matters most is what you feel for Ian. And you're certain that you love him.
"I don't know how I feel for her, Ian…everything about our relationship is confusing, but I am certain of what I feel for you. And I am certain that I want to make our relationship work."
He just sighs at your response, and you know it isn't what he was hoping for. But it's the best you can say honestly. After a moment he lets go of your hands before standing from the couch. Without saying a word, he walks toward the back of house, returning a few moments later with his wallet, his keys, and his toothbrush. You're still sitting on the couch when he comes back. Waiting patiently for his response. Finally he gives it to you, pushing his wallet into his back pocket before kneeling down in front of you.
"I'm trying my very best to accept this, darling," he whispers sadly, his hand reaching up to caress your cheek, "You shared yourself intimately with another person…you betrayed me. But I realize now that I may be somewhat at fault for this. For a long time, I was more often halfway around the world than I was with you. And I know now how lonely and upset and unloved you must have felt. But I'm here now Maura. I'm here, and I love you," he pauses briefly looking up at you in sad resignation, "and I want you to be just as committed to this relationship as I am. So," He stands up, clearing his throat in an attempt to steady himself. "So I'm uh—I'm giving you a week to think about it, and if you still think this relationship is what you want at the end of that time, then I'll return happily…and if don't, well I-I guess—I guess that's that."
You stare at him perplexed and maybe little scared…you don't want to be alone with your thoughts. You know what you want.
"Ian I'm committed to you. I want to work this out."
"Well, if you're certain now, then you'll be certain in a week," he responds quickly before clearing his throat again. "I-I just can't be with you right now knowing you might be in love with someone else." He mutters it quietly, and the guilt you feel is overwhelming. He wants you to prove your love; he wants you to prove that even if he leaves you alone in the house with full freedom to see Jane, you won't because you love him more than you want her.
It's a true test of faith.
And you don't intend to disappoint him.
