"Oh, Lily. You're being silly."

"I am not!" She cried indignantly. A week had gone by since the hospital, and I felt real and alive again, free. I could sing with joy, my heart was bursting with happiness. Our second Hogsmead trip was tomorrow, and as we headed back to the common room, Lily seemed just as happy as I was. "Please, Kira. It was so obvious! How could you be so blind!—Mandrake." The portrait swung open and Sirius with James dashed in after us.

"What was obvious?" James asked, claiming a puffy red chair and sprawling out, running a hand through his hair. Sirius plopped down next to him and grinned. Lily dropped to the center couch and I followed, letting my bag slip to the floor.

"Kira got asked out today!" Lily sang, grinning shamelessly at me. "I told you! Everyone fancies you Kira! You're just so oblivious." She laughed freely at some thought.

"I am not oblivious." I said coolly, glancing at the window to find the sky raining again.

"Oh please! Every boy in this school is smitten over you." She grinned again, turning to Sirius and James. "Guess what happened in Ancient Runes today?" She laughed again, her red hair sparking gold in the amber glow of the common room.

"What?" Sirius and James gasped in a mocking way, holding their hands to their mouths in a dramatic dainty girly way and glanced at each other in mock apprehension. Lily rolled her eyes and ignored them. "Michael Jacobs—"

"The Ravenclaw quidditch captain?" They suddenly sat up straighter.

"Yes—as I was saying. He walked up to Kira in class and asked her if she wanted to go to Hogsmead, and she said—and I quote—'of course I want to go to Hogsmead, everyone in our year's going.' And then she turned back to writing notes. You guys should've seen his face. Oh, it was great." She sighed and sat back, a triumphant smile on her face. James and Sirius burst into peals of raucous laughter. Tumbling from their seats. I frowned.

"Oh, man, Kira! That's a classic." Sirius managed to gasp out in deep breaths. I crossed my arms.

"In my defense, he asked if I wanted to go—not if I wanted to go with him."

"But still! It was implied." I ignored their laughing and pulled out my DADA homework, determined to get all of my class work done before the weekend. Sirius perked up immediately, pulling himself in the seat beside me.

"Are you doing that Defense essay? Ill do it too." He leaned over my shoulder to get a better look at my paper, and I felt him relax beside me. The tingles that possessed me when our skin met were scarcer now, but instead there was a stronger feeling of completion—as if I had been waiting for my other half to return, as if I had been yearning—aching—to see him without even realizing how much pain I was in. When he sat near me I felt as if I could breathe freely, and relax finally.

But there was something deeper too. I could feel when he was angry, particularly sad or happy, even if hundreds of yards separated us. Sometimes I would be sitting in the library with Lily finishing Runes Homework and suddenly I would feel an intense wave of hatred for an unknown person I had never met in my life. Other times I would be sleeping, and my heart would start beating erratically as if I were running for my life. It was definitely one of the stranger things I had experienced, but the worst part was I knew that this new connection was mutual. I had cut myself in Potions, a small sliver cut diagonally across my thumb, and when I left the classroom I found Sirius waiting for me, the first sentence that left his lips was 'Where is it?' and then he grabbed my hand and pulled me to Padam Pomfrey who healed it in minutes. It was eerie and disturbing to know that my pain was his, and his mine. Our bond was already stronger than I had anticipated, our connection grew stronger with every moment I accepted it, and that could not happen. If our attachment became too intense, Sirius would stand no chance when I was killed, and he would die too. That was how it worked.

Sirius shifted beside me to pull the sleeve of his sweater up above his forearm, and I knew what he was looking for. He stretched out his bronzed arm to show the tattoo like ink printed on his skin. On it was an intricate black rose design with the name:

Kira Rose Thornhill,

intertwining the flower in knotted Celtic lettering. He rubbed it absently with two fingers, my middle name, rose, was only just starting to appear, and the word was slightly less prominent then the rest.

"So Rose is you middle name. That's why there's a rose." He grinned; as if this solved some mystery he had been working on for months. James came over to inspect the tattoo and Lily hopped up to follow.

"Sirius's is a dog on Kira's arm. I think its because of the star you were named after." Lily added smartly. "Has his middle name appeared on your arm too?" She turned to me, looking at the sleeve that covered my cloudy mark. This topic interested her immensely, and had taken to checking out numerous library books on the nature of Binds.

"I don't know, I haven't looked." They all looked at me expectantly and I realized that they wanted to see. Grudgingly I pulled the sleeve of my robes above the ink to reveal a the image of a dark dog howling at a tiny diamond star,

Sirius Orion Black,

wove around the symbol in the same style print. Orion was slightly faded as if it had just appeared, but other wise the ink bind seemed complete.

The portrait hole opened and chatter echoed through the common room. Sirius and I in twin movements pulled down our sleeves and turned to see who had entered. Olivia Horn, Dona Dewberry, and Clavinet Morris toppled into the room. Olivia glared heatedly at Sirius, then turned her eyes to me before stomping up the stairs to the girls dormitory.

"What was that about?" Lily asked, looking startled, her petite features worried.

"Er—Sirius told her off the other day. She thinks its Thornhill's fault." James said with a chuckle.

"Told her off? That's a little harsh, isn't it? What did she do?" Lily asked, now looking slightly disapproving. Sirius shrugged.

"She was just bugging me—didn't want her lurking around me anymore. It was getting on my nerves." He pushed the hair out of his eyes and turned to me. "So how 'bout this essay, eh?"

"Please, you only want to do it with me so can cheat."

"Nah, Ill do it—promise. I just need guidance." He grinned cheekily at me and I turned to the large Gryffindor window and watched as the rain changed to hail outside.

---

I had never missed the sun more in my life. Coldness swept through the castle in icy drafts and scarves became a regular fashion statement. Outside snow salted the earth like powdered sugar and coated the tops of all the prickly forest trees in white dust. From the warmth of the Gryffindor common room it was easy to admire the angelic snowy landscape, but when the artic winds bit at my cheeks and whipped up my hair the pretty, serene terrain was forgotten.

Often I would sit at the window inside our red dormitory and look across the snowy earth, thinking about Voldemort and his followers, killers, murderers, dark magic and the evil of those people, and I would wonder how a beautiful world could be so ugly.

It was early December, and Sirius was becoming consistently harder to avoid. It physically ached being separated from him, and this was only the beginning of my worries. Not only did we share emotions, but also frequently when I was focusing on him I could suddenly view the world from his eyes. I would catch glimpses of him climbing the stairs, or of James laughing, of their mischievous expeditions and everything in between. And probably the worst concern by far was the simple fact any visions I witnessed, Sirius experienced too. Although the target of most of his complaints focused on the annoying factor that all the scenes were blurry for him, I was fretting over what he would see. The horrors I had viewed from the harrowing visions rotted my already decaying heart with the heinous things that I saw. And I did not want to share that with him. Pain and sadness was something I was selfish with. It was my private depression. I soaked up all the misery I could hold to keep the coldness away from the ones I cared for. But now there was a leak, and Sirius was experiencing the burden. And now it was unfair to avoid him, even if it meant his life.

Sirius was aware of the consequences of our bond. He was, after all, the only one I told about the vision of my own death, and the only person who would ever know. If I died, and our bond was any stronger, then he would perish too—experiencing the same pain I did…

Nahla, the unclaimed orange tabby, mewled from beside me, and I reached down absently to pet her shiny fur. She leapt up on top of my lap, making herself comfortable in the process. Nahla had remained ownerless even with the return of all Hogwarts students, and naturally she stayed by my side most evenings, as she did through out the holidays.

"Sorry, but I'm going to the common room. You picked an unfortunate time to plop your furry arse on my lap." I told her, and instantly her purring stopped, she opened one neon eye suspiciously. "That's right, off." The creamy orange cat, made an unattractive growl and stretched, glaring accusingly at me before climbing haughtily off my lap and onto the red four-poster bed of my dorm. After settling herself, she opened one eye again and watched me critically as I left the room and stepped down into the common room.

The Gryffindor common room was dark and the fireplace was barely lit, just red glowing logs, making the Gryffindor chairs look like hunch backed shadows. It was only nine, but most students were either up in the dorms doing homework or sleeping. Lily had perfects duty tonight and she patrolled the hallways with Remus until eleven. The twins were going to spend the night in Thallium's dorm even though it was technically a school night, because they were convinced that she had some juicy secret they could milk out of her by morning.

Still, several students sat in the corner of the cozy red and gold embellished room at the small round sitting tables chatting in the dull light. Two golden haired boys, who I had seen in a couple of my classes, and another boy with brown hair and a red jacket. Their voices dropped as I entered and took a seat on the squashy red sofa next to a large wooden bookshelf to stare at the dying fire. A tide of whispers washed and rippled over me, the boys obviously couldn't resist. They were probably talking about that article…

"Yeah, that's her. How could you not notice?..." Said one boy, and I tried my best to ignore them.

"Dunno, my mum says people should stay away from her, we don't know what she's done."

"Doesn't matter does it? I would of done anything if You-Know-Who had pointed his finger at me and told me to, beside, she's practically a veela—look at her. How could anyone stay away from that?"

"Hey—have you guys heard anything about Sirius and her? Margaret was telling about that—I don't know—weird—thing that happened to them over break. Nobody knows what happened—except maybe Potter, but we all know his lips are sealed."

"I haven't heard anything. What did Margaret say?"

"Oh—something about how they were screaming rubbish at—"

They stopped talking and turned to the portrait hole where Sirius Black had just loped in, hands deep within his pockets, looking at his feet. I was immediately alert, ready to make a dash up to the dorms before he noticed me, but unfortunately he looked up and caught my eye, and before I could even push myself up off the sunken couch he had launched himself over me and plopped down unceremoniously with his head in my lap. He stretched over my legs, trapping me, and grinned lazily from his position, hands cradling the back of his head in a relaxed gesture. I stared down at him for a moment, completely shocked, an inward struggle already raging.

"James wanted me to tell you that he's making the whole team try out for Hogwarts' school team."

"Hogwarts' school team?" I asked absently, glancing at the dark gap where the girl's dormitory stairs were. It felt so right to be here with him, like melting, like I could finally relax and breathe, but how right could it be if I was endangering his life every moment I spent with him?

"Yeah," He ruffled his hair in my lap, swatting a stray strand of my smoky loose curls that hung down over his face. "You know, Hogwarts' team for the Wizarding School Quidditch Cup. It only happens once every ten years, this time it's in Romania. I heard its cold there." He looked up at me and smiled brilliantly. "You hate the cold, don't you?"

I didn't answer that; he knew I hated anything remotely chilly as much as I did. I didn't have anything to myself anymore.

"What if I don't want to try out? Do I look like I want to go to Romania? Besides, everyone would just stare and be irritating." I sighed, thinking about all those accusatory magazines publishing nasty, nice, and just plain bizarre things about me, regarding my 'imprisonment' (No one was entirely sure if I actually was a prisoner, which made me seem like such a wonderful person) with the most feared dark wizard in history.

"We both know everyone who writes anything about you is nutters. You're the only one who knows the truth and you can't even remember. They can't prove anything." I winced at the protectiveness in his voice and stared at the fire. I could feel the three boys in the corner eves dropping, but I wasn't in the mood to scare them off.

There was a pause, where he watched me carefully waiting for a reply. When I made no indication of a response, he sat up and repositioned himself so he was leaning against the armrest of the couch. Then, as an after thought, stretched his legs over my lap again so I couldn't escape easily.

"In the hospital wing, when I told you about my family, you promised to tell me your story." This barely irritated me, I felt slightly numb, besides the warmth radiating from Sirius' body, I felt almost cold—even in the warmth of the dying fire.

I stared intently at the glowing logs until they slowly burned and flourished into flames, then turned to Sirius again—he was watching the fire with an odd expression.

"I don't have one, I told you."

"—Yes but, tell me about after you escaped. From the first time you remember." He looked strangely understanding, and his eyes fell upon the small locket dangling against the hollow of my throat.

"I woke up in London." I told him, and his eyes slid from my neck to me face once again, then he grinned crookedly.

"I know that. Elaborate." He leaned back and scooted further down against the red sofa until I was no longer under his legs but his back, with his head propped up against the arm rest. He shoved his dark hair out of his eyes and smiled another sideways smile. "I'm looking for bed time story here, make it interesting."

"I'm not very interesting." I watched him cautiously in the dim light of the common room, hidden by lacy shadows.

He laughed freely, his entire face lighting up with the bubbling laughter that flowed from his lips.

"Kira, you're the most interesting person I know," He grinned, but this time there was a fleck of sadness, like a grain of pepper amongst a handful of crystal white sugar. Obviously my interesting factors were saddening at the same moment. "Just tell me. Please.—tell me how you found out your name. Was that the only thing you remembered when you woke up?" I stared at him for a long moment, waiting for him to demand my story, to force me to tell him. I waited for him to yell at me, but he remained silent, and only when he seemed to accept the fact that I wasn't going to tell him did I speak.

"No, I didn't remember anything when I woke up. Not even what my reflection was. A ministry official recognized me, when they found me, he knew my name. I spent three days wandering around London at night before that. The sun scared me—I don't remember why—It was too bright, I think, I liked the darkness better, it hid me, gave me a shelter. I woke up in London, in one of those disgusting portable bathrooms. The first sound I ever heard was the flush of a damned toilet.—Does that satisfy you? Or would you like to hear more about how hopeless and miserable I am?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…bring up anything difficult. I was just curious."

He pulled me closer slowly, pulling me down against his chest as if I wouldn't notice or care. But I did care—I cared that he thought he was a comfort to me. I cared more for the possibility that he was comfort, that he was right, but I didn't care enough to object. Because he was so warm, and pleasant, I wanted to be here—with him—more than anything, but even more than that I wanted to not need this contact between us to feel this kind of comfort. Only magic could bring me a feeling a safety, and warmth, this feeling was not genuine, because it was a bond. It was our souls that found serenity, not us.

We didn't speak; the fire flicked casting amber shadows around the room, and the darkness form the outside window was only vaguely withheld from consuming the firelight.

Whispers swam silently in the air and I realized halfheartedly that the three boys were in the corner, still listening. I didn't have the energy to care, or do anything. I felt strangely as if I were melting, unable to move because of the amount of consoling tender warmth that wrapped around my body and relaxed me to the very bone. I was pressed between the back cushions of the couch and Sirius's warm body. My back only partly resting on his chest, and I could feel the soft tickle of his breath as he exhaled and the soothing rise and fall of his breathing.

It was unexpectedly nice, being like this with him. It was simple and pleasnt. As if all the heavy troubles had been lifted from my presence and could no longer touch me. Virtually lighter. I felt lighter.

"I tried to tell Dumbledore." He said after a while, he cleared his throat when his voice came out hoarse.

"Hmm?" I mumbled, not really caring what he tried to tell Dumbledore. My eyelids suddenly felt heavier, and the warmth from Sirius and the fire were a sleepy mixture.

"I tried to tell him about…see? I can't say it. You jinxed me didn't you? You knew I was going to try and tell." His voice stayed even and calm, as if he too was fighting the weight of drowsiness.

"Tell what?" But even as I said it the answer flowed easily into my brain, and I sat up, tearing away from him, no longer did I feel drowsy. He stayed leaning his head against the armrest of the couch, lying down, but he eyed me wearily as I sat rigidly beside him. I felt a physical ache when I wrenched my body away from his, and now I felt our twin pain vibrating dully through me.

"About…" His voice trailed off, and I knew that those words would never leave his lips as long as my curse remained.

"It's no use Sirius. Do you think I haven't tried to come up with alternatives? I want to avoid it, but the vision doesn't show the beginning, only the result. There is no way to know how it happened." I was talking of my death, and as I suspected when I foolishly wrote the date down on the skin of his forearm, he was going to try and save me with that information. A simple tongue tier charm did the trick. But still.

"Kira, can't you just look into it more? Revisit it or something? Why are you giving up? Don't give up." This last line irritated me. He could never understand how much weight had been forced on me to make me give up. Life wasn't allowed to hold that much weight, and naturally I crumbled.

"Ive given up on everything else, why not life too?" Although I masked that sentence with sarcasm we could both feel the truth. "Besides, I have re-looked at it. From every angle. Do you understand how hard it is to watch such grief over my unworthy carcass, over and over again? It makes me sick. I don't want to see it ever again." I had in fact revisited that vision. I would find that file and flip through my scenes until I reached it and watch my dead body on the floor of the Great Hall floor, looking for answers—ways to spare Sirius—, until I felt as if my vomiting days were not over.

And even after hours of torture, looking for possibilities, I had found nothing. And if I died, then Sirius died…unless our bond was weak enough. Which was why I had been avoiding him.

He paused painfully, thinking—I could feel—about the strain in my voice. He was trying to cause as little stress as possible for me. That wouldn't work.

"There has to be something. Do it for me, Kira. My life is on the line too." Guilt, that was his technique. He was trying ot make me feel as If I were not trying to save him. He didn't care if he died. I knew that, without been able to explain why. I just did.

He was worried about me, about my death, because it was so inevitable. Unchangeable. And his, as I told him, he could live if only we stayed apart—weakening our bond. He knew that staying away could save his life, and yet he refused to. It was so frustrating. I was trying to save his life while he tried to save mine, and one or both of us had to die. I was going to be that one if it was the last thing I did. And it would be.

"We both know it will lead nowhere. And you have options, I don't. It's time for you to give up, Sirius. You need to realize what's not worth dying for, and that's me. Give up. Live your life, and let me be."

The common room was as silent and heavy as loss when I walked back up the cold spiral stone staircase to the girl's dormitory. Each step I took away form him there was the physical tearing sensation of being separated. This happened every time I was with Sirius. And every time it became harder to walk away.

---

I let the steady stream of hissing hot water burn and harass my skin, and I huddled under the single beam of warmth with the icy chill still harrowing my mind. My muscles and body were slowly unwinding, becoming less numb by the minute and the scalding water finally felt like scalding water. I still didn't turn the shiny knob to a colder degree, even when the water stung and painted red across my bare body. I just wasn't in the mood. Something about lifting my arm and exerting the effort just sounded completely unappealing. It seemed to be an unattainable task, and I know how ridiculous that sounds, but lethargy was making my limbs heavy and my thoughts dull.

I thought slowly of the snowy Quidditch field and the icy damp winds that stung in the opposite way of this water. So many people tried out for the school team I found myself wondering if Hogwarts was truly that large. It made me surprisingly anxious, even nervous. Surprising, only because the nervousness was for such a normal petty reason it almost made me laugh. Such a teenage drama reason to be nervous for, and I felt shallow at the same time as exhilarated by such a substantial change my life had shifted into. I imagined a dark and shadowy globe that twisted, like ringing a towel, until it was the shape of and hourglass, and then sprung out again with a lighter, more colorful scene.

My heart bounced in my chest, like it was trying to leap a great distance, and then began a faster repetitive rate. I paused for a moment, listening to my own heart beat as if it were foreign and wondered what Sirius could possibly be doing at this hour to make my heart flutter so badly. It's obnoxious when the body is still and the heart is not, the thud of it was so loud it flooded my head with pressure, and I turned the water off violently and reached for the nearest towel.

My heart still beat franticly and I had a vague flash of snowy ground moving underneath and the cold bluefish tinted footsteps left behind that left me dizzy once the scene had disappeared. It was blinding flash, just seconds, and then I returned to the bathroom, standing soaked and cold on the tile floor. It was like looking into the brightest light after an eternity of darkness and it felt as if someone was pressing my eyes into their sockets as if forcing them into my brain.

I wondered idly where Sirius was in this weather as I changed and dressed and finally lay a top my welcoming bed, but I came to no conclusions. There would be no doubt that we would be chosen for the school Quidditch team, as Sirius and I practically read each others thoughts, or rather emotions. I would never hear, like spoken words, the thoughts that ran through his head, but I could feel the drive behind his actions, and he with me, so naturally on the Quidditch field we worked as one seamless pair. It was eerie, letting instinct take over, and letting my mind spiel taking us to new heights in our bind. It felt like some magnetic force was constantly planning when we would cross paths, both on the field and off.

I winced at the thought of spending a month in Romania at some random foreign school with Sirius Black. It would be harder than ever to avoid him. My heart beat faster still.

The mattress sunk lightly to my left and Lily lay down next to me in the dull candle light. I turned to her slightly, and then continued staring at the flickering shadows projected on the low ceiling. 
"You did great today." She said finally, and then turned and propped herself up on one elbow. Her red hair shimmered golden and spilled like fabric on the red comforter. I said nothing, and I knew she was waiting for an answer. Something was bothering her, and even as she said that compliment there were other meanings to it. She was proud and happy, excited and amazed, but at the same time worried, disappointed and sad. I could not decipher the meaning for her telling me this—she wanted this to lead somewhere, she was anxious—yet I could not see it, so I stayed silent.

She sighed after a while and lay back down, absently tracing lines on the bed with her fingers. "It's incredible watching you and Sirius work together. Before it was, but now it's…wow." She turned to me again and smiled. "I don't know how to describe it. You can't read his thoughts can you?"

"No," I shook my head, feeling my heart thunder again, as if something had surprised me. I pressed a hand to my chest, as if to make it slower, but it did no good, and I sighed unhappily.

"What's wrong?" Lily's quiet watchful gaze was on me.

"Sirius is doing something. My heart's beating a million times an hour." I said absently, rubbing my temple. She was quiet again, regarding me carefully. I could feel the weight of her dilemma in her pause. "What's worrying you?" I finally asked, unable to think of a wittier way to release her qualm. For a moment she seemed surprised, but then quickly recovered and plopped back down against the bed sighing.

"I don't want you to go. To Romania, I mean." She seemed to feel guilty about saying this. "I know—I know I'm being selfish, and it's not my decision, but…I don't know. I want you to be happy, and I want you to go—but I don't." She let out a frustrated sigh. "I'm going to miss you. And a month is so long." I knew she was referring to the shortened time I had. Until May. But she didn't know when I was going to drop dead, so to her that month was going to be a painful.

"Lily," I murmured, facing her for the first time. "I'll come back. I promise. Besides, we still have Christmas vacation and New Years, and everything else. It doesn't start until the end of January. We don't even know if I made the team." She smiled a watery smile and slid off the bed, standing in the candlelight.

"I know. I'm being silly, aren't I?" She smiled again, and it seemed less strained this time. She leaned close to my neck and plucked at the necklace that hung there. "I never noticed this was red before. Did it always glow?" She asked straightening up and looking at me. I picked up the chain and held the heart locket loosely. It was the color of coal embers. I shook my head.

"No, it's usually gold. I don't know what it's deal it." I told her, and dropped the locket heavily to my chest. She shrugged, walking over to her bed.

"Do you want to put out the lights?" She asked, and I nodded. With a quiet breath the room was swallowed in darkness.

The heartbeat was louder with silence and darkness, still a steady quick beat. It thundered in my chest and pounded solidly in my temple. When I heard the quiet breathing of Lily finally asleep I slid off the mattress and stood facing the dormitory window. A pale opalescent moon hung in the dark sky, and slowly I undid the latch and opened the window. A cool snowy breath swept up my hair and set my skin stinging. Thick feather flakes of snow drifted down to earth as if in slow rhythm with the swaying trees, and the white ground gleamed in the light of the moon. The forbidden forest stood darkly against such a light background, and the gnarled twisted roots of the trees seemed to breathe with taunts. I could feel Sirius there. Within those trees. And the draw to move silently across the snowy field and disappear into the woodsy darkness of the shadowed trees was consequently luring.

The step I took up into the windowsill was small, but the decision was more profound. I wasn't going to jump, but I was going to find a way down. The snowflakes stuck to the warmth of my skin and slowly melted into droplets of water. I followed a stone ledge that lead to another window, and to another, and to another. I followed the same ledge, making no progress downward, but I felt a soothing calm patience with my decent. I knew I would soon touch the icy ground, and soon become shadowed by the trees, and soon find Sirius.

I could tell that his heart was making my heart still beat faster, but I wondered if he could detect the increase in my beat, even if it seemed our hearts were one—could he tell? It didn't matter, but I felt I should know.

The thin stone ledge moved on, curving with the roundness of the castle, and little furry flakes were coating the edge in a soft down. When I saw a small protruding rooftop that most likely covered a window, I paused, and thoughtfully considered how I could leap down without slipping.

When a window opened to my left, I was barely pulled from my own thoughts, which was careless, but at least I did not startle. I watched as four boys peered out of the open window, three of which I recognized from the common room that one day. They looked shocked and confused and awed and cautious.

"What are you doing?" One boy whispered, glancing down and gulping icy air. I felt the same measured patience soothe my pulse as if silver were flowing through my veins.

"I'm trying to get down." I said, and snowflakes caught on my eyelashes and no longer melted in contact with my skin. The warmth had left me. I did not feel the cold. I felt surreal.

"—How?" another boy choked, he seemed unable to speak through his shock. I shrugged and turned back towards the window overhang, just mere feet across. It was so small that if I slipped it would be hard not to fall.

I stepped off my safe ledge, and landed on the small portion of roof with a puff of disturbed snow. I did not slip, and nor did I fall. But I had known that before I jumped.

The moon hung in the sky like a round silver locket, and the snow seemed to burn a more angelic brightness than even the diamond glinting stars.

The boys above, hanging our their stained glass dormitory window squabbled and shrieked in protest of my sudden leap, and the honey colored bar of light that seeped out of their room was interrupted by their moving shadows.

"What are you doing?"

"Are you mad?"

"You could have died!" They all wailed, and I watched silently from a little below their window sill, feeling the tug of my heart pulling me in the opposite direction. I let them talk and persuade and coax me until I could no longer see the determination in their eyes. It felt rude to leave while they were trying valiantly to help me, but my mind was set, and I was going to find Sirius. The need to find him stumped me, but I did not object.

"Here!" One boy said returning to the opening, throwing down four bed sheets tied together in one long red line out the bright window. "Use this to get down. NO jumping." I looked up at the four shadowed silhouettes framed by a halo of light beaming from inside their dorm, feeling a strange shadow of affection for the unknown characters and personalities. I fingered the fabric of the make shift rope, standing precariously upon a snow patched, rickety window awning, and abruptly smiled.

"Thanks." I called, lowing myself easily on the soft rope until the spongy fresh snow covered ground met with my legs. They pulled the sheets back up, and I dashed into the light that washed out over the powdered earth, stopping to squint into the blinding yellow square of illumination.

"Be careful." One boy said, cupping his hands around his mouth as he shouted. I gave a curt nod, and turned to the dark forest and sparkling snow. I turned by back on the brightness, the warmth of Hogwarts—the protection and comfort—and set off at a run towards the forbidden trees and black gnarled branches of the shadowy woodland.

As the forest grew larger, as I ran forward, it seemed that the trees were entirely untouched by the purity of the snow. Where everywhere else on the grounds of Hogwarts the trees where snow topped and glittering, these knotted wood structures resembled the deep black scar of burned charcoal. At night the forest floor was had a spooky mist that blocked any precariously placed branched out of sight.

I stumbled through the woods, the darkness of the forest pressing down upon me; my heart's beat was impossible to distinguish. From my effort or his? Either way, fleeting images of earthy ground flying beneath flared up behind my eyelids as I ran. Brambles and branches cut across arms and legs like whips of unwelcome. Hisses and whispers seemed to breathe into me, darkness and mist engulfed and devoured my intentions, and soon I found my steps faltering, my direction lost. My objective and aspiration forgotten.

I stumbled blindly through the fog, branches ripped at my legs and arms, the cobwebbed trees hissed their hatred, and then I emerged into a moonlit clearing. The moon's opalescent light was cleansing, I breathed deeply, inhaling the clean crisp air until I could taste the scent of my own blood. The cuts slashed on my arms thighs flowered red flowers through my clothing, now ripped and torn. I wondered what other animals could now smell me, smell me wounded.

Sinking to my knees onto the moist spongy ground, cold from the verge of winter but untouched by snow, I let Sirius's heart beat ripple through me. I could feel him in every cell of my body, feel the winds whipping around him as he ran, feel his short shallow breaths and the exhaustion coil itself inside his muscles. But his emotions were blank, besides exhilaration and an ongoing faded edge of dim fear. I let that take over my body, he tingled in my bloodstream, my own breath evened, and I closed my eyes against the metal moonlight. His breathing soothed me, his exhausted calmed me, until like coming to a screeching halt, Sirius's heart stopped. Stopped dead and then fluttered franticly, resuming such a stronger rate that was impossible to hear over. A maddeningly loud continuous tempo of drums within my head. Emotions assaulted, flowed, through me from Sirius—fear, panic, anxiety, shock and an intense wave of guilt, and determination. I wondered what had caused this sudden flip, this sudden onslaught of feelings.

I took a deep breath, my exhale winding like smoke in the frigid air, and closed my eyes again, wishing I hadn't walked out of the castles warmth and protection. Where was Sirius? I felt worried for him, but this forest was disorienting, as if something was demanding my attention elsewhere. I tired to focus on him, let my mind drift towards the arrogant black haired boy who made my heart thump so erratically in my chest, but nothing was coming, it was as if my mind was blocked with black ink. I felt a suffocating force pressing against me, and the shark rocks on the ground pressed painfully into the skin of my legs.

And then I could feel him. Sirius was close, I could sense his nearness. My eyes flew open, but the small circular clearing in the ragged trees was the same as it was several minutes ago. A low fog clung to the damp earth and the silver moonlight shimmered in the snow on the hilltops in the distance. Empty.

And then there was a sound, a crashing, a crunching of dead branches and bushes. It was coming from directly in front of me, and my heart spiked. Animal, or Sirius? Whatever it was, it was being reckless, taking no precautions to draw attention to itself. I stared into the dark shadows of the trees, I should have gotten back up to my feet, but my blood felt still, and a cold chill dragged like long fingernails down my back. A sharp cry pierced the air from in the distance behind me, but I didn't take my eyes off the darkness where the crashing noise still broke the hushed air. It was approaching, rustle, snap, crunch. Closer and closer until inky dread dropped like a stone into the pit of my stomach.

A black shape emerged from the damp, moldy brush, and streaked towards me at such a blinding speed that I barely had time to close my eyes, to brace my body for the impact. Fear choked in my throat as a bear sized animal loped towards me, leaping several feet from when something magnificent happened. The body of the attacking animal shivered and pulsed in mid air—mid jump. The body morphed, streaked until when it touched the ground again, a very tired, panicked human was now running towards me in place of the animal. Shock as white and blank as a thick wall blocked all passing thoughts. I was jolted by the immensity of what just took place, but someone was now running towards me—not just anybody, the very person who's heartbeat had tempted me out the window of Hogwarts school.

Before I could blink, or take a breath of surprise, Sirius Black was dragging me up from the ground by my elbows. Disorientation engulfed me.

"We have to go." He sounded so panicked, fearful, worried. I stared at him, looking up into his dark eyes searching for some sort of answer, any relief from this confused fog. His face twisted in pain as he looked back at me, and then he was dragging us through the woods, thought the tangled wet black branches of the forbidden forest, jumping over rocks, ledges, tree roots, anything and everything. His hand grasped my wrist in a strangling terrified grip but I couldn't complain through the sprint. Sirius, with his dark hair bouncing and his shirt sticky with sweat even in the cold, kept looking behind us franticly, tugging me ahead each time he did. Our breath came in ragged wisps of steam, the gleam of the moon slid through the thick leaves of the eerie trees above only rarely. All was silent, until I heard the howl. That pinched frustrated howl from directly in front of us.

My heart stopped.

Sirius stopped.

He swore vibrantly, and shoved me behind the thick trunk of a mossy overgrown tree. A fierce growl scratched through the air like rusty claws, and I fell ungracefully on the rough snarled roots of a tree, scraping my knees and palms. As soon as I hit the unkindly ground I crawled around the trunk, the darkness swarmed my eyes, but through the pale moonlight I saw Sirius standing in a defensive position, a wolf the size of a horse nearly three paces away. The wolf's lips were curled back, showing a row of teeth as sharp as knives the color of ivory bone, grotesque rust colored blood was smeared on his mussel and nose, dripping along with a long line of slippery saliva that trailed to the forest floor. The wolf's titan paws were the size of saucers, and the black dirty claws slashed through the roots of tangled trees like slicing through paper. He yelped a terrifying growl and then paced in a circle around Sirius, crouching low on the ground, his hand sized ears flattened and his nose wrinkled in another low warning growl.

Fear closed around my throat like a choking grip. I stared, frozen as the wolf lunged, streaking across the open space with amazing agility and speed just as Sirius shifted into a sleek, much smaller dog.

The collision broke the still air like a bombshell, and I cringed and stood pulling my wand out of the depths of my pockets. My hands were shaking, snarls; growls and yelps ripped through the air and physically hurt me each time. I pointed my wand, shakily, holding it out in front of me, locating the bloodthirsty wolf out of the tangle of sandy and black fur, teeth, blood and claws. Sirius let out a howl of pain, and the wolf with an aggravated swipe of it's paw tossed the black dog against a sturdy trunk with a sickening snap and growl. The broken form of Sirius slumped to the moist ground. Horror slashed through my stomach. The sandy wolf faced me, licking his bloody mussel menacingly, his tail swishing back and forth the pendulum of a grandfather clock, counting the minutes until death grasped my heart. I steadied my wand, the word on my tongue, the word that would end it's life forever.

"Stop! It's Remus, Stop!" I started, James ran from behind me, panting and out of breath. "Stop it!" He cried, "It's Remus, he's a werewolf. Stop." He almost half sobbed, James' dirty clothes were ripped and he sagged towards the ground. I hesitated, my arms lowering.

The wolf growled and lunged for me. I screeched and ducked just as Remus leapt over my head. He landed on the ground and turned at me again, his razor slit like teeth barred like ragged knives, reading to jump again.

James was on his feet again, staggering towards me, shouting. But he was a million years away, too far away. I raised my wand, and in a blinding flash of light, just as Remus lunged for the second time, struck him in the rib cage, but his body was already propelled and he crushed into me. I fell backwards, my head connecting sharply with rock, a crack. A distant scream, and then darkness