The Simpson's: In Space: Season 1: Episode 4: Part 2
(Meanwhile on Ashla. Homer, Bart, Lisa, and Tsaritsyn are being beamed into the top chamber of a giant palace that resembles the White-Gold Tower from Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion.)
Homer: (Awkwardly and confused.) Does anyone know where we are? (He coughs hard.) And why is it so dusty?
(Clone Marine captain Akola suddenly appears. He sounds frantic.)
Akola: (Very fast.) What the! How did you get up here? No wait don't answer that. Are you the Federation reinforcements we sent for? Don't answer that either! It's painfully obvious from your dumbfounded and confused looks! General's Tartarus and Naw-Ibo have been waiting for you slugs for over two hours! What took you so long? Don't answer that either! (He offers them breath masks.) Put these on before the atmosphere kills you!
Homer: Normally I don't take breathing equipment from total strangers. (He coughs even harder.) But I'm not taking any chances. (He puts one on.)
Akola: (He puts two more on Bart and Lisa, he tries to put one Tsaritsyn but it doesn't fit.) We'll get you one latter, unless I'm wrong you Telkines can survive up to a week in this kind of environment before dying right? Don't answer that. Follow me! The Generals are waiting! (He runs off.)
Lisa: (Confused.) Who was that guy?
Tsaritsyn: No idea, but he seemed like a nice patient guy.
(Meanwhile on Garrus, a shuttle lands, out from it emerges a being on an anti-gravity chair that looks like Rygal XVI from Farscape. He is approached by a Fodder Droid.)
Fodder Droid 1: Chairman Jav Rev. We have Senator Rhea Aeryn locked up awaiting your orders, as with Senator Virmire Orpheus.
Jav: What? No you idiot! I wanted Senator Orion!
Fodder Droid 1: (Confused.) Um… sir. You do know that she changed her maiden name after President Catherine Oranos's previous state of the union address right? You know the one where she was belly dancing?
Jav: Of course I know about that! Why else would I request that Admiral Bob spare her? So that she could be indoctrinated to be one of my slaves when the Federation no doubt loses the war? Besides what relevance does that have anyway?
Fodder Droid 1: (Awkwardly.) Um… I think the two of them are long lost twin sisters unless I've heard wrong.
Jav: (He wasn't paying attention.) Now then take me to her right this instant!
Fodder Droid 1: (Sighs.) Yes sir, just follow me. (An anti-gravity platform appears out of nowhere. They both get onto it.) We should be there momentarily. (A few minutes later, they arrive at the prison tower that Rhea was held in during the last chapter.) Well here we are. (They are approached by another droid.) What is the status of the prisoner?
Fodder Droid 2: Escaped.
Jav: What? How could this happen?
Fodder Droid 2: From what we can gleam from the security footage, she tricked the guards into letting her out. Then she destroyed the two droids that were with her and.
(The 'Vadam guard from the last chapter crawls into view and cuts him off.)
'Vadam guard: (He's yelling in pain.) She cut off my arm, with my own scavenged light blade! Then she tore out my gallbladder, and then she kicked me across the face!
Jav: (In disbelief.) I don't believe you.
'Vadam guard: (He struggles to stand up.) Look, I am telling you that wench tore out my GALLBLADDER! (He points to the open wound.) She didn't even bother to close up the FRELLING WOUND!
Jav: (Dismissively.) I can see that. But it seems highly out of character for her to do something that barbaric. Besides shouldn't you have died of that wound by now?
Fodder Droid 1: (He notices a Lukus Templar climbing up the tower. But in reality it is really Mvar Mvar in disguise as one.) It's the Templar! Blast him!
(They do just that, Mvar Mvar loses his grip and falls down several stories but survives.)
Mvar Mvar: (Translation of accent.) Mesa okay dokey!
Jav: (In surprise.) What the frell was that?
Fodder Droid 1: I think that was the Templar.
Jav: (Shocked.) What! You let a Templar onto this planet?
Fodder Droid 1: Not as such, he caught us completely by surprise.
'Vadam guard: (He is struggling to stand up.) Don't be foolish, he barley looks like he could stand up. Besides despite their relative insanity there suicidal stunts are normally better planed then that.
Jav: (He isn't listening to anyone.) Find him, and kill him! Also find senator Orion and kill her to! (He leaves the scene.)
'Vadam guard: Doesn't he know that she changed her maiden name?
Fodder Droid 1: I told him myself but he wouldn't listen.
'Vadam guard: (He groans.) How do we get out of this dead end Dxun outfit? For that matter how did we end up in this madness?
Fodder Droid 1: It's simple really; I and all of the other droids were manufactured. You were bred in a cloning vat to maturity for the sole purpose of issuing orders to the likes of me.
'Vadam guard: (He sounds depressed.) Do me a favor, don't answer the second question.
Fodder Droid 1: Roger, roger!
'Vadma guard: (He is struggling from the wound. It's bleeding) and get me a new gallbladder from the medbay. You know before I die from bleeding?
(Meanwhile on Ashla. Homer is in a meeting with the General Ibonek Naw-Ibo.)
Homer: (Confused.) Can someone PLEASE explain to me what's going on?
Ibonek: (Frustrated sigh.) I have already explained it to you forty-seven times! Even by Orion standards you have a short attention span!
Homer: (He's on his knee's begging.) COME ON PLEASE!
Ibonek: (Yelling.) Very well then! I'll tell you AGAIN! But just so that you'll pay attention. (He throws a devise onto Homer's face that keeps his eyes open with hooks.) Now then, shortly after the new Blood Cult purges were declared. We learned that they were in an alliance of with the Theocracy of Soma. We also learned that they are planning on developing a super weapon that is supposedly is capable of exterminating all alien life in the Omni-verse.
Homer: (He's in pain. In great surprise.) What! That's terrible!
Ibonek: (Dismissively.) Don't faint sympathy with me shizno. Anyway, I was sent to find out what I could about why they were here. Shortly after arriving I and the task force were ambushed by disciples of the Blood trickster goddess, Shay-Yad'ow. I, my Novus, Daavas Majic. Master Thel Andúril, and his Novus Zaar Lrack, were the only ones to survive the ambush out of the forty Templar's they were originally sent here. Since then we've been calling for reinforcements from the Republic, Confederacy, Fellowship, and just recently the Federation.
Homer: Oh… so what do you want me to do about it?
Ibonek: (Sighs.) You are to help us stop the Blood Cultists from doing whatever it is that they come here for. We have discovered the name of their Rakata on this world, someone by the name of Dne Derfslan. Obviously a pseudonym. (Homer has a confused (as far as anyone can tell.) look on his face.) A fake name?
Homer: Oh! My daughter is good at these things; just give me a piece of paper, or something with that guy's name on it.
Ibonek: (He gives Homer a holographic clipboard with Dne Derfslan written on it.) Here you go. Any other questions? (The devise on Homer's face falls off.)
Homer: Yes, are you any good at being a ventriloquist?
Ibonek: (He frowns in contempt.) Just get ready, and let me know when you're ready to move out.
Homer: (He scoffs.) Touché. (He leaves.)
Ibonek: (He whips his forehead in relief.) I thought he would never leave. (He pulls out an old ventriloquist dummy.) Aren't you glad he left Xolotl?
(Meanwhile on Garrus. Jiral-3PO has found a communications panel.)
Jiral-3PO: (He is typing on random keys in frustration.) Where's an Array droid when you need one? (He finally contacts someone.) Ah! There we go. (A female Quetzal appears on the com's panel.)
Female Quetzal: This is Vaj Blas'er, communications officer of the FOAN-Twilights Wrath-Fleet of Divine Retribution. Who is this? Speak quickly!
Jiral-3PO: This is Jiral-3PO, human-cyborg relations.
Vaj: (She cuts him off.) No droids are permitted to use this channel.
Jiral-3PO: I'll have you know that this is a code red emergency, Jav Rev of the Commerce Collective is on Garrus, and is holding my mistress Senator Rhea Aeyrn hostage somewhere!
Vaj: I fail to see how this is a concern of the Fellowship. Perhaps you should find.
(She is abruptly shoved off screen by a sleep deprived Minas Aiur… hold on a moment… is he wearing… PINK armor!)
Aiur: (He looks like he hasn't slept in days. (As a matter of fact he HASEN'T slept in days.) He sounds surprisingly cheerful.) Hey! Your Stan's droid aren't you? I'm so happy I could tear out your intestines, and strangle you to death with them!
Jiral-3PO: (Confused.) Um… sire I don't have any intestines?
Aiur: (He looks disappointed.) Oh, then I'll tear out your wirings and tear your head off with them. What can I do for you friend droid?
Jiral-3PO: (Bewildered.) Oh, um… it appears my mistress has been kidnapped by the Commerce Collective, and there chairman Jav Rev.
Aiur: Jav Rev, eh? I would like to meet him in person, and outcome the intestines, and I. SKIP ROPE WITH THEM!
Jiral-3PO: (He's acting like Aiur is completely insane.) Um… does that mean you'll help?
Aiur: (In a sinister sounding voice.) Yes, but only because… you asked so nicely. I'll see you in a few minutes. (He turns off the communicator.)
Jiral-3PO: (He sounds worried.) We are doomed.
(He is approached by a squad of Fodder Droid from behind.)
Fodder Droid 1: You have no idea, now then. Who did you contact?
Jiral-3PO: Um… that's not for you to know.
Fodder Droid 1: Right, it's for you to know, and me to force out of you. (The droid and its squad are suddenly cut down by a pink light blade. It's Rhea Aeryn.)
Jiral-3PO: Mistress Rhea I am so glad to see you! Where did you get that?
Rhea: (She covers his mouth and they both go into a nearby closet.) Jiral what have you been doing?
Jiral-3PO: I have successfully contacted Minas Aiur, and he should be here soon. Though I think that might have been a bad idea since he looked like he was going into sleep delirium.
Rhea: That's not important right now. Where is Mvar Mvar? I heard that there is a Templar on Garrus.
Jiral-3PO: I'm afraid to tell you that… Mvar Mvar IS the templar thereafter.
Rhea: (Worried.) That's not good; we have to get back to the ship.
Jiral-3PO: I'm afraid that the ship has been destroyed.
Rhea: Droids?
Jiral-3PO: No.
Rhea: Mvar Mvar?
Jiral-3PO: Mvar Mvar.
Rhea: (Sighs.) Alright, we find Virmire, and then we get back to Metropoli Major on the nearest ship we can commandeer.
Jiral-3PO: Agreed, but I do have one question though.
Rhea: I got this light blade off of the 'Vadam that was guarding my cell, he said he scavenged it from a dead Templar.
Jiral-3PO: Oh, (They both leave.) I was just asking because you've often stated that you hate the color pink.
Rhea: I take what I can get.
Jiral-3PO: In that case, you might be startled about Aiur.
Rhea: What about him?
Jiral-3PO: You'll know.
(Meanwhile on Ashla, Bart, Lisa, and Tsaritsyn are in the same room as Daavas and Zaar. They are awkwardly trying to start a conversation.)
Zaar: Um… (He coughs.) So, how have things been with you guys?
Bart: Oh not much, (He nervously twiddles his thumbs.) what have you been up to?
Tsaritsyn: I think we should be careful, any more excitement and a funeral might break out.
(Suddenly Homer enters the room with the holographic clipboard.)
Homer: Sweaty you're good with anagrams. Can you help daddy decipher the name of the enemy?
Lisa: Fine, but only because I'm really bored. (She takes the clipboard; she then takes out a stylus.)
Homer: On a completely unrelated note. Where's Seraph?
Daavas: She's interrogating a prisoner, but that was almost six hours ago.
Bart: What she's that bad?
Daavas: (He punches Bart across the face.) No, in fact there often done in under a minute, she must not be using her assimilation tubules.
Lisa: Why not? Isn't that more efficient?
(Suddenly a tattooed and badly injured Turok is thrown through the door. Homer shrieks like a little girl.)
Zaar: Aye that's true. But where is the challenge in that?
Homer: Isn't there at least one sane person on this planet!
(Seraph enters the room. She is wearing a form fitting black leather jumpsuit with Seraphim Mithril greaves, gauntlets, pauldrons, breastplate, and various other pieces of armor coverings embedded at the appropriate joints and limbs.)
Seraph: (Sadistically.) They must have picked a good hiding place. I haven't found them yet. (Bart's jaw drops at the sight of her. She points to her face.) You know my eyes are up here right?
Lisa: (She gasps at the sight of the injured Turok; she holds his head in her lap.) How could you do this to an innocent, albeit ugly creature?
Seraph: (Coldly.) He's a Blood Cult scout. I caught him about six hours ago scouting out our sniper positions.
(Ochic and Rahpo enter the room.)
Ochic: That's a lie-a! I spotted the scout, Rahpo broke his legs, and Seraph dragged him off by the tail-a while he was-a shrieking like a banshee. About not having his-a organs torn out and used as instruments for lab-a testing.
Seraph: Yes, and spent the last six hours trying to interrogate him. All I got out of him was his name, rank, and cult sect.
Turok scout: (He's coughing up blood.) For what it's worth, having the living daylights between out of me by a psychotic and sadistic bloodskin, it so isn't worth what I was offered.
Lisa: What was that?
Turok scout: To suckle at on the teats of Cocytus for all eternity. (Cough. Everyone gives him a weird look.) Don't know why I thought that would have been a good thing though, or for that matter why anyone else would want that.
Lisa: What's your name little guy?
Seraph: (She cuts off the Turok before he can say anything.) R'ash Maiq son of Urj-Anja Maiq. Scout 39th class, of the cult of Draa'Gon, sect of the Desert Talons.
Lisa: Must you interrupt everyone?
R'ash: No she's right, told her everything. Right down to my favorite color and the condition of my hang-claw.
Seraph: (She has a disgusted look on her face.) I have every doubt that I needed to know about that.
R'ash: Well I didn't have much choice, what with you pounding a rock over my chest FOR OVER SIX HOURS! Besides I was trying to tell you that I wasn't even indoctrinated.
Seraph: (She looks embarrassed.) Eh? What?
R'ash: Like I was trying to tell you I was kidnapped by the cult of Draa'Gon about a month ago, by some demented lunatic with a mustache.
Lisa: And who exactly is this demented lunatic?
R'ash: Some weirdo calling himself Rakata Dne Derfslan. Although from what I could tell from squinting my eyes he looked unmistakably like Ned Flanders. (Everyone or at least the Simpson's. Have a surprised look on their faces.) Do any of you know him? Yellow guy, moustache, talks in incoherent babbling and word play, a bit a zealous xenophobic jerk? (He notices the bewildered looks.) What? I was an officer in Springfield for about five weeks before I was kidnapped.
Homer: Umm… (He presses a button on his wrist.) Computer of the Sinbad, I need an immediate teleportation to the ships medical room. I am bringing aboard a very injured Turok. (There is a beeping noise.) Roger that. Don't worry we'll patch you up good as new.
R'ash: (He and Homer start to dissipate for teleportation.) An Orion offering to help an alien? I swear this is universe is getting weirder every passing day. Incidentally can you get this greasepaint of my face? I'm tired of people betting me up because of it.
(He and Homer both disappear. Lisa gives a disgusted look at Seraph.)
Lisa: You didn't both to ask him whether or not he was a willing cultist?
Seraph: (Hesitant.) Listen if there's one thing you should know about Blood Cults it's that their members are very good at lying. For all we know he could have just made up that whole story or worse he's a sleeper agent.
Daavas: Seraph you and I both know that Turoks are too smart to be brainwashed easily, besides they would have to be raised by the cult itself in order for them to be members.
Zaar: Besides I could smell his tattoos, they were grease paint. They didn't brand him with his own blood.
Daavas: Also I could sense that he was telling the truth.
Seraph: (Embarrassed.) Okay I didn't ask him. But I do not take chances with prisoners. What makes you think I would take advice from a civilian anyway? (She is starting to sound like she's paranoid.) For all I know nobody in this room is who they say they are! For all I know all of you under the influence of mind controlling parasites, Plasmoid agents. Or worse, clones!
Tsaritsyn: If I didn't know any better I'd say we should leave; paranoid Twi'grutan's aren't fun to be around.
Seraph: Nobody is going anywhere!
Lisa: Seraph, try to calm down.
Seraph: That's easy for you to say. TRAITOR! (She pounces on Lisa, and they both fall out of a window.)
Daavas: (He's in shock.) Seraph! (He jumps out of the window after them.)
Bart: Does this kind of thing happened often with you guys?
Zaar: What? Everyone randomly jumping from suicidal heights diving head first into oblivion? Yes, in fact it's one of the perks that they never tell you when you join the order. You know it kind of rattles the nerves of potential recruits? Makes them a bit skittish, and reluctant to join.
Bart: No I mean Seraph going crazy at the drop of a hat.
Zaar: Hmm? (He remembers what just happened.) Oh that, only on particularly bad days. Believe you me. After almost a week cooped up on this dead hunk of dirt, you'd accuse you own mother of being in liege with the enemy. Which is somewhat pathetic in my opinion since I, Master Andúril, Davas and Ibonek have been here for two weeks and were pretty much sane despite the fact that were surrounded by blood thirsty lunatics, that apparently suffered the same fate as the Sagittarian pirates.
Bart: What would that be?
Zaar: Being usurped by a madman with no idea what he's doing.
Bart: Oh… do you guys want to do anything right now?
Tsaritsyn: Yes, one.
Bart: Really? What's that?
(He is abruptly thrown out of the window. He is screaming.)
Zaar: I don't know, I get the feeling we should have let someone know about this.
Ochic: What would-a be the point of that-a?
Zaar: Well there is that most of the commanders are on the ground floor. The floor the four of them are most likely to land on.
Tsaritsyn: Your right, I'll try to get good reception for my communicator. It's been on the frits all day, I don't even remember even giving it any frits. (As he's saying this he accidentally walks out of the window. Rahpo catches him by the ankles. But he himself almost falls out as Ochic grabs him by HIS ankles, and then Ochic himself almost falls out, but Zaar grabs his ankles.)
Zaar: (Frustrated.) THIS IS NUTS!
Tsaritsyn: (He is nonchalantly pressing random buttons on his communicator.) No, still no good reception. Even two-thousand feet in the air and I can't get a decent signal.
Zaar: You have got to be kidding, (He loses his balance and falls, along with everyone else.) MEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeee!
Tsaritsyn: I can hear you now Zaar, but quite frankly I don't want to.
(Meanwhile on Garrus, Rhea and Jiral-3PO have just found Senator Virmire, and are ready to leave.)
Virmire: Rhea, can you forgive an old fool for making a dumb mistake?
Rhea: Depends on the fool. (A grim look plays across Virmire's face.) You're the kind I would forgive.
Virmire: That's kind of you to say.
(They are abruptly ambushed by Jav Rev and his droids.)
Jav: Ah ha! Finally after I have spent all day trying to personally track you down all on my own!
Fodder Droid 1: (Irate.) What! Listen you egotistical amphibian! We just spent the last two hours running around this city looking for that woman, occasionally bursting into weird and awkward occasions. Including, but not limited to. Birthday parties, dates, make out sessions, weddings, and the ultimate insult to our existence. An entire flock of drunk and naked college students lying around like corpses, and the fact that spiked punch was all over the floor didn't make the situation any better. It looked like blood!
Jav: (He's confused at the droids nerve gratingly annoying, but justified defiance.) What? Kill them NOW!
Fodder Droid 1: Oh that's just sooooo, typical of you organics. You give a few pieces of metal and some hardware a minor degree of intelligence, and all of a sudden it's. (Mockingly.) "Do this." "Do that." "Terminate that person." "Illegally blockade and then invade this planet, in this system, because were too spineless to defy the Alliance senate. Or for that matter some mysterious stranger in a black cloak."
Jav: SILENCE! NOW WILL YOU JUST SHOOT THEM!
Fodder Droid 1: (He's still ranting.) Listen meat bag, I have absolutely nothing against these two. Even though the female has destroyed dozens of my brothers, I can't really blame her for acting in self-defense though. I mean everything we have been doing has been unprovoked.
Virmire: (He points at a clocked Mvar Mvar.) Look! It's the Templar!
(Everyone turns to look at him.)
Jav: (He's stammering) Te-te-te-te.
Rhea: (She has a sly look on her face.) Templar?
Jav: Don't just there! Shot him! (Suddenly, a giant sea snake smashes all but the ranting droid. Jav fly away to his shuttle, but that too is destroyed by another sea snake. He frustrated at the sudden turn of events.) OH, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!
Mvar Mvar: (Translation of accent.) It'sa trusa. Isa made freindies with thesa large snake thingsa in the sewers.
Virmire: Then you are truly a Lukus Templar!
Rhea: (She looks exasperated.) This has been going on for far too long! (She walks over to Mvar Mvar and takes off his robe.) It's just my representative assistant in a Templar robe.
Virmire: What the! Where did he get that robe?
Mvar Mvar: (Translation of accent.) I just founded them in a compartment of the shipske. What was thisa doing on the shipske anyway?
Rhea: (She's stammering, trying to make up an excuse for the robe. She then notices a giant ship in orbit.) Look up there!
(Suddenly a shuttle shoots out its hanger; it makes an abrupt crash landing near our intrepid and somewhat reckless and stupid heroes.)
Mvar Mvar: (Translation of accent.) Oh nosa, mesa am not going to falsa for that one agiansa.
(Minsa Aiur bursts out of the shuttle, clad in his… pink armor.)
Aiur: (Mock Cuban accent.) VIRMIRE I'M HOME! (He notices that everyone is looking at him funny.) Is there something on my face? (His bodyguards fall of the shuttle in exhaustion.) Be honest with me kov'archas' is there something on my face?
Telkine Bodyguard 1: (He is exhausted.) Sire, I think there staring at you armor.
Aiur: What about it? (He notices that it's pink.) IT'S PINK! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE SAY ANYTHING!
Telkine Bodyguard 1: It wasn't my place to judge. Besides we've been too busy trying to keep you from killing yourself in with your sleep delirium to really take notice.
Aiur: Whoa-whoa-whoa. I have sleep delirium? Hmm… that could explain why I'm acting completely crazy, but then again I am insane at the moment so that may be wrong. So I'm sorry but I can't take Jav into my custody if that's what you were expecting.
Rhea: (She has a disturbed look on her face.) Your armor is… pink.
Aiur: I'll talk to Col about that when I get back to Katarn II, after I get some rest of course. This war has only gone for three months and I've already gone stark raving mad. CHEESE! FOR EVERYONE!
Virmire: (In confusion.) What? My people can't eat cheese, dextrose-amino acids? Those ring a bell?
Aiur: Oh, then no cheese for anyone. Just as good I suppose. Besides from what I heard you dropped your species status as a client to the Fellowship you don't deserve cheese anyway, so no more cheese for you!
Virime: We didn't want any cheese to begin with!
Aiur: All the more reason not to give you any cheese, you never eat it anyway.
Rhea: (Melodramatically.) I am alone in a universe of crazies.
Aiur: It's a very serious medical condition!
(All of a sudden a hologram of Maccabeus appears out of the floor.)
Maccabeus: Rhea, how has your mission been going?
Rhea: Oh? Fine, fine, on an unrelated note when were you going to tell me that Jav Rev was going to be here?
Maccabeus: (He is obviously not listening.) It is glad to hear that he has been brought to justice; I will send a transport to pick him up. Just as soon as I can spare one, and Senator Virmire. It is glad that your people are now full-fledged members of the Alliance.
Aiur: He's going to sell out your people the moment things don't go his way. You have my oath on that. (There a sudden bopping noise.) I would like to declare that Ormpha Tyrana be declared my regent until I regain consciousness. (He falls over revealing that his bodyguard knocked him unconscious.)
Telkine Bodyguard 1: It's been fifty years since the last time I had to do that. I was actually starting to get used to not hitting him.
Telkine Bodyguard 2: Xel, can we please return to the Twilight's Wrath now? We're going to miss our rendezvous with San if we linger.
Xel: Keep your kam'aa on Rycan. (He and Rycan drag Aiur's unconscious body into the shuttle.) I'm coming, I'm coming. (They get into the shuttle, it lifts off. But it is having difficulty flying due to the damage.) Remind me again why we let the Emperor fly this thing if he just keeps crashing it?
