-Revan-
I ran to my quarters and locked the door. My hand stung from slapping Carth. I hadn't meant to do it, of course, but I couldn't stop myself. He was saying all of these harsh things and...
I slid down to floor, my back still pressed against the door, and pulled my knees to my chest. I ignored the knocking and Mission's soft pleas to open the door. Instead, I snaked my arms around my legs and buried my head in my knees.
I was grateful that the others had come to my defense, but none of it mattered if I didn't have Carth's support. But of course, I couldn't blame him at all for his hatred for me. I had ruined his life, before I even knew him, and didn't recall any of it. Hell, I wished Malak had killed me back at the Leviathan. At least I wouldn't feel anything anymore.
"Alora..." Mission whispered through the door. "Please let me in. You don't need to be alone right now."
I deserve to be alone forever.
"The geezer doesn't know what he's talking about..." she continued. "He'll come around."
I wish that were true, Mission.
I heard her sigh loudly. "Well, if you need me, you know where to find me. I left some food out here if you get hungry..." then I heard the soft patter of her footsteps as she walked way.
Why did I have to be Revan? Why couldn't Bastila just have let me die back then? A lightsaber to the chest couldn't hurt as much as I was at this point.
I finally stood and walked over to my bed, giving a quick glance to the bed that Bastila had used and let out a long, drawn out sigh. I hoped we found her before Malak killed her. Or worse.
I picked up my bantha doll and hugged it to my chest. It still smelled like Carth. I fought the urge to rip it to shreds, and placed it back on bed.
I peeled out of the blood-stained robes and tossed them on the floor. Pulling back the covers, I crawled into bed and hugged my bantha again, and wallowed in my self pity. Well, I thought, at least one thing good came from the Leviathan. At least Bastila's not here to see me and lecture me about how these thoughts would lead to the darkside.
-Carth-
I stormed out of the common room and headed to the cockpit, ignoring the looks I was getting from everyone. How can they possibly think it's alright that she's the former Sith Lord? Was I the only one on the entire ship that had any sense? What if she returned to the darkside? What if she had already turned to the darkside and was planning on turning on us when we reached Korriban?
I don't know when Jolee joined me in the cockpit, but I practically jumped out of my skin when he spoke.
"You really think she's going to turn to the dark side, do you?" he asked.
I sighed. "What do you want, old man?" I tried to focus my attention on manning the controls.
"I was hoping to have a civil conversation with you, but all of you young people are far too stubborn for that." the older Jedi chuckled slightly to himself.
I racked a hand through my hair. "Why didn't you tell anyone if you knew who she was, Jolee? I mean, if no one else, why not me? Considering the relationship we..." I stopped.
Jolee raised an eyebrow. "You don't thin the entire crew knows how close the two of you are?"
"Were." I corrected harshly. "Whatever was there before...it's gone now."
"Is it?" Jolee asked sincerely.
I sighed again. "It has to be."
"Why?"
I threw my hands up in frustration. "Gee, I don't know. Because she's Revan! She and Malak were the ones who destroyed my home word. My wife died because of it. And now my son is one of them. How could I possibly continue a relationship like that?"
Jolee shrugged. "Effort. Forgiveness." he chuckled again. "For once, I have to agree with Canderous. It was Malak who gave the orders to destroy Telos."
I shook my head. "It doesn't matter."
"Doesn't it? You don't know her thoughts on it. Hell, she doesn't even know her thoughts on it." he paused and gave me a sad smile. "Did Alora ever tell you about Nayama?"
"Who?"
"I thought not." Jolee sat there in silence for a long moment. "It's time for you to hear a story."
I groaned. "Jolee, I'm really not -"
"Shush! You're going to listen to what I have to say. That girl," he stood, and pointed in the direction of Alora's, Revan's, bed chambers. "has become like a daughter to me and I'm not going to let you ruin what could possibly be the best thing to happen to the two of you!"
The tone of his voice surprised me a little. I hadn't realized that they had gotten so close. So I let him continue.
"Nayama was my wife." he started, a sudden hollow sound crept into his voice. "I...ran into her, in a sense, when I was smuggling food. She shot me down and I was doomed from then on,"
I gave him a half smile. "I didn't know you were married. Where is she now?"
His face darkened slightly, and he sighed. "When I met her, I could just feel the force flowing through her. It was incredible. I'd never seen anyone with that kind of power." he paused and fingered his graying beard. "I took her before the Council, and they refused to train her, because of her age."
"This is starting to sound a little familiar." I stated, settling back in my seat.
Jolee nodded. "When they refused, I decided to take the liberty and train her myself." he looked over at me. "Keep in mind, this is well before your time. This was during the fall of Exar Kun."
I nodded, waiting for him to continue.
"I don't need to explain to you how I felt about her. You've been there, so I'll spare you the lovey-dovey details."
I snickered. "Thanks."
"As I trained her in the ways of the Force, and combat, there was something that I was ignoring. Through al of her strong points, she had her flaws. But, being a crazy young man in love," he looked directly at me. "I ignored them. I loved her to much to admit that there was something wrong, terribly wrong. She was too quick to anger. Too headstrong and rash."
I snorted. "Sounds like someone else I know."
"I loved her too much to admit any fault in her." he said, a small smile playing on his lips. "One day, she came to me. Saying that the Jedi were holding her back, holding us back. She wanted me to join her. I said no of course."
Realization hit me like turret fire. "You lost her to the dark side."
He nodded. "When she raised her saber at me, I knew she wasn't the woman I had married." I could tell he was fighting back tears.
"Did you...I mean.."
"No. I didn't kill her. She would have killed me though, if I had given her the chance." he paused. "She left and joined the battle with Exar Kun. She died in battle."
I didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry."
Jolee thumbed his tears away and stood, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Think about my words, son. Even though Nayama fell, I never stopped loving her. You can't make those feelings go away."
I nodded as Jolee left the cockpit. I slumped down in my chair. I felt awful.
But I still couldn't help the way I felt. When Saul had told me about Revan on the bridge, I felt as if he had just ripped my heart out of my chest. I had hoped he had been lying, and then Malak proved it. It was as if my life was crumbling around me. Like I was reliving the destruction of Telos again.
And I hated to admit it, but the past month, I felt better than I had in a long time. Alora had awakened me somehow. Taught me that there was more to life than my revenge for Saul.
I couldn't deny that my feelings for her were still there. But things were different. She wasn't the woman I had...made a promise to protect.
I buried my head in my hands and let out a long sigh. I didn't know what to do. I was tore between the woman I cared about...and the woman who destroyed my life.
And they just happened to be the same person.
Suddenly, I felt alone. Really alone.
