Disclaimer: SM owns everything, I own nothing & Please don't read if you're under 18

-I know it's a little shorter than my usual already pretty short chapters, but I needed to end it where I did. I hope you understand.


Self Esteem Ch. 11: Heartbreak Beat

Edward:

The surprise is obvious on James' face as he momentarily looks up at me before I use my foot to push his body off Bella. She scrambles out of the way clutching at her shirt. I am momentarily distracted by her wide, scared brown eyes and James uses that time to slam a right hook into my jaw. Damn, that hurt. But as he pulls back to hit me again, I sweep his legs out from under him, causing him to fall onto his knees.

"Just walk away, James. It's over." I stare down at him hoping that this would be the end of it, but my string of bad luck keeps coming and he throws his body forward, using his weight to tackle me to the ground. I knee him in the chest on the way down, but I still end up with my back in the dirt and pine needles with James sitting on my chest.

"Not over until I thoroughly kick your ass for interrupting my date." He throws a couple of punches to my face, but I am able to use my hands to block most of the momentum from the blows while using my torso to buck off the ground putting James off balance enough that I can throw him on the ground and get back to my feet and into a basic fighting stance.

"That wasn't a date asshole. That was you trying to take something that didn't belong to you." He gets to his feet and takes another jab at me, but I'm faster and do a jab, cross, combo ending with a side kick to his hip, causing him to stumble back. His nose is bleeding from where I made contact, I can tell it isn't broken, but it still must hurt. "Ready to let it go yet?"

"If I recall, the last time you and I got into it was over this little whore. Didn't you learn your lesson then?" He runs at me, but I twist out of the way, hitting him in the back of the neck on my way around.

"Don't call her that, motherfucker. I don't want to have to hurt you... much" I say doing my best to keep just out of his reach.

"You're right, she's not a whore, they get paid for their services. She just gives it up for free." He smiles and wipes his nose free of blood again, then takes another jab at my face, making contact with my jaw and snapping my head back and to the left. OK, enough playing around. I'm done now.

I step forward just enough to land a right cross to his jaw, a jab to his already bleeding nose, and a roundhouse kick to his ribs. I hear the crack as his nose breaks and blood spurts all over. He puts both hands up to protect his now bloody and beaten face and bends over in pain. "Don't ever say anything like that about her, or any other girl ever again… and yes, I learned my lesson, don't you think? I said it then and I'll say it again now, don't ever, EVER, lay a hand on her. Next time, I won't just break your nose. Now get the fuck out of here. You might want to head to the ER, but beware of what you say, remember how this started… you were assaulting the daughter of the chief of police." I smile, but don't relax my stance, just in case.

"Fuck you, jack-hole!" Then he turns to Bella and says, "you'll regret this, you cunt" and takes off, assumingly toward his car.

I'm still all jacked up, the adrenaline is still rushing through my veins and I'm having trouble coming down, until I hear crying from behind me. Bella! I rush over and crouch down at her side, feeling her face, looking for signs of bruising or abrasions, but luckily – for James – I find none. There is a bite mark on the side of her neck, but it doesn't look too bad "Are you OK?" I ask settling down close enough that I can see her face through the thick curtain of hair she is hiding behind. Her tears are coming slower now.

"Yeah, he didn't really hurt me, you got here just in time. He was… he was…" she began sobbing again, so I put my arms around her and let her cry into my shirt.

"It's OK. It's alright. You're OK, now, I'm here." I whisper into her ear soothingly. She clings to me, pulling me as close to her as possible without actually being inside her body. By the time she loosens her grip, my shirt is soaked through and she is hiccupping as she tries to catch her breath.

"Edward, thank you. Thank you so much. I thought… I thought he was…" her words trailed off, but I know what she was thinking, but she surprises me by saying: "Why?" She looks up at me, showing her red-rimmed, puffy eyes and biting her bottom lip.

"What do you mean?" I can't believe she would ask me that? Who does she think I am?

"Why did you do it? Why were you out here in the first place? You have been nothing but kind and understanding to me and I have been so horrible, cruel even. So, why? I don't deserve your kindness." She looks at the ground hiding her eyes.

"Yeah, you have been pretty awful, but no one deserves to have that happen… no one. I don't care who they are or what they've done."

She snorts and half-laughs sarcastically, "Well it would have been kind of fitting, don't you think? I mean, the class slut gets raped in the woods? No one would believe me, and rightfully so. Right before you showed up, I was thinking that I probably deserved it… I mean it was only a matter of time before someone got tired of being the only one who Bella the Bitch doesn't fuck, and took what they wanted anyway." Somehow, she sounds angry, sad, scared, and resigned all at once.

"Bella." She still refuses to meet my eyes, so I pull her face up by her chin. "Bella, I meant what I said, no one deserves that, no one, but you have to be more careful. That asshole is probably not the only fucker who would just take what he wanted from you and then leave you in the woods alone."

"You are absolutely incredible, you know that." She reaches up and strokes my cheek, then looks quizzically at me. "What did James mean when he said you fought over me before? When did that happen? I don't remember you ever getting into a fight before?

"He didn't mean anything. He was just shooting his mouth off." I evade.

"Come on, Edward, tell me. Apparently I owe you yet another thank you for something, I would like to know what it is."

I am not sure I want to get into this now, but I am also not ready to let her go so I sigh and recount the story. "It happened when you came back in 8th grade. You had just gotten into that fight with Lauren and everyone was saying things and talking about what they had heard about you. About where you'd been and why you were back." I adjust our bodies so we are now resting against a tree.

"I was standing in the hallway with everyone else and James was watching you from across the hall. After you told Lauren off and left, everyone was talking. Some couldn't believe it, some took it as confirmation that you had been in a mental institution or Juvenile Hall, most of it was very unflattering and obviously untrue. I wanted to shut them all up, but I knew I couldn't, so I figured I would go see if you were OK. But as I was about to walk away, I heard James talking – loudly- to a bunch of his friends about you. It was derogatory and sexual, and I got angry, so I hit him. We got caught and got suspended. That's all." I shrug and glance sideways at her. She seems to be taking everything in, I know I left out quite a few details, but I hope she just lets it go.

"I can't imagine what he said that would make you that angry. You can barely bring yourself to speak to anyone in school. What did he say?"

"Just some shit, you know. It just got to me." Again, I hope she'll let it go, but she twines her fingers through mine, rests them on my leg and squeezes.

"Just tell me. Please? It can't be that bad. Considering what everyone has been saying about me for years."

I sigh, there is no way in hell, I'll tell her everything. I just hope a half-truth will be enough. "He said that he knew you were back in town. That he had met you the day before in the park and that you gave him a blowjob and that he couldn't wait for you to do it again…" Bella cringed; I can only imagine her reaction if she knew what he actually said.

"She's spicy that one. She sucked me off so good that I knew she was experienced. I came so fucking hard in her mouth and she swallowed everything I gave her… I'll have to thank Chief Swan for teaching his daughter how to suck cock like a pro…" by the end of that statement, I was across the hallway and throwing him up against his locker. He just sneered at me and said "Don't worry, Eddie, I'm sure you'll get yours. I hope you don't mind sloppy seconds, because I'm first in line to hit that tight little ass" And then I hit him.

"I couldn't let him get away with what he said, so I hit him. Unfortunately, he was bigger and better than me and he kicked my ass. He got suspended for the rest of the week for fighting, but I started it, so I got over a week's suspension."

"Well you seem to know what you're doing now."

I shrug, "Kickboxing at the gym."

"Well thanks for defending my honor back then… I bet if you'd known what was to come, you would have let it go. How were you to know I'd be the one to ruin my own reputation." She pulls her hand from mine to pick at some pine needles on her jeans and hangs her head again. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry, Edward. I should never have talked to you the way I did. I didn't mean it, you know that don't you?" Then she whispers, "I miss you."

I'm not sure what to do. I love this girl. I want to be with her. I want to believe she will change, that we can really try to make this work, but the last time I thought that she ripped out my heart and stomped all over it for the sake of her own pride and self-preservation. I know I deserve more than that. "Bella I…" but she cuts me off with her mouth against mine. Her lips are needy and full of greed. Our teeth clink and our tongues wrestle. I try to maintain clear thoughts, but it is becoming increasingly difficult. When she reaches for the hem of my shirt, I snap out of it.

"Bella. No. I can't" I still her hands with mine.

She smiles slightly, "We've had this conversation before. I know you can. You've shown me plenty of times. Come on, Edward we're good together. You know we are." She returns to the hem of my shirt, slowly lifting it up my stomach and chest running her hands along my skin as she does. She leans over and kisses one exposed nipple, and I groan. I feel her smile widen.

I pull her up to kiss her mouth. I know this is wrong, but I just can't help it. I pull her over so she is straddling my lap and she starts grinding against me. I'm already so hard. She moans into my mouth before sitting back and slowly unbuttoning her shirt. "I can't believe how incredible you are. I don't deserve you, I'm not worthy of you, I know that, but GOD do I WANT you." Her flannel is now open revealing a plain white tank underneath. I finger the bite mark at the bottom of her neck. I gently lay tender kisses there to let her know how sorry I am that it happened and how much I want to take care of her, if she'd just let me.

"Bella, I want you, too." I manage between kisses.

Just as she is about to take of her tank, she looks to see if anyone else is around. "Hopefully we won't be disturbed anytime soon. I can't imagine anyone coming out here and catching us, but you never know." I look at her. Does she mean what I think she means?

"What difference does it make? People get caught fucking out here all the time. No one cares." I really hope I'm wrong.

"Well, we can't be seen like this, you know that. We are also going to have to come up with a good story about what happened with James. People will be wondering why you were out here in the first place." She starts to pull her tank the rest of the way up, but I stop her.

I push her back gently by the shoulders so I can look directly into her eyes. "What do you mean we can't be seen like this?" Still in disbelief.

"You know, this… us." She gestures between us. "You know people can't know, but that shouldn't affect our relationship. It didn't matter before." She just stares at me, blank faced.

I push her off my lap onto her ass, she lands, hard. "It DID matter before. It still does. I promised myself I wouldn't do this again. I am NOT going to be your dirty little secret anymore. I deserve better than that." My voice started low, but is becoming louder and stronger with each breath. "I can't believe you, Bella! We both know that this isn't just physical. It never was. I hoped, for months, that you would come to your senses and be the girl I know you can be. I thought deep down, you wanted to change, but I guess I was wrong. I can't do this anymore. I won't." I grab my t-shirt from the ground and stand up leaving Bella sitting by my feet. She is crying again. It takes every ounce of self-control to keep from sweeping her into my arms to comfort her. Instead, I pull my shirt on and cross my arms across my chest.

"I know you deserve better than this… better than me. It's just that… Edward, I… I… I… can't. I'm not strong enough to stand up to them, to stand up for myself. I still want you. It's very selfish, I know. Please, Edward. Maybe if you just give me some time… or something. I can…" her voice is barely above a whisper.

"No, Belle Note, I'm done. I have to start treating myself better, even if that means walking away from you." I say trying desperately not to let any tears fall. "I don't want to leave you out here alone though, so get yourself together and head back to the party. I'll follow a few minutes later."
"Of course, you'd still take care of me. Of course." She pulls her tank down and puts her flannel over it, leaving it unbuttoned. She looks at me as if she might say something, but then turns and heads back without a sound. "What should we say about James?"

"If they ask about anything, just fucking make something up. I'll go along with whatever you say." I fold my arms defensively over my chest.

"What if he tells people that it was you? What should I say then?"

"I really don't think he will. He heard my warning. He's too scared of your dad. If he does, we'll figure it out then, but we will have to tell the whole story… I'm not getting sued or arrested for that leprous-puss-boil."

She nods her head and starts walking back toward the party. I wait long enough that she will have a good head start, but not so long that I can't hear her if something were to happen. When I reach the edge of the forest, she has just found Jessica. They talk for a few minutes before heading toward Jessica's car. I head out into the clearing quickly finding Emmet pacing back and forth, like he was waiting for me.

Em rushes over to me and says, "You look like shit, Bro. James came screaming through the clearing a while ago, I was just about to go make sure you were safe, when I saw Bella walk through the trees."

I shake my head, "What did he say? Who did he talk to?"

"Nothing, nobody, he just got into his car and took off, like a bat out of hell. What happened out there?"

"I don't want to talk about it, OK?" I plead.

"No, not OK. Tell me what happened."

"He was trying to… he tried to…. force himself on her, but I got there in time. We fought. I broke his nose and sent him to the ER with a warning not to talk about what happened or I'd tell everyone what he was trying to do."

"Yeah? Good for you. What happened with Bella?"

"Nothing good. It's really over, man. She is never gonna to change. I have to walk away for my own self-preservation."

He puts his hand on my shoulder, "Sorry, man. That sucks. I think you should get really, really wasted tonight and forget all about it." He says handing me an only slightly sipped, warm beer.

"Thanks, Em, but that won't help. When I wake up the pain will still be there and then I'll have a headache to deal with too. I'm just gonna go home."

"You really love her, don't you?" He says with sympathy.

"Yeah, I really do. I'm a fucking idiot, but I do. 'Night, Em. Tell Alice I'm OK and I'll talk to her in the morning."

"Will do. Take care of yourself, little Bro. If you need anything, call me on my cell. I can be home in 10 minutes." He pats me on the back as I turn toward home.

Walking through the silence of the dark woods gives me an opportunity to think. I have always been the shy one… the anxious one. My brother and sister are both outgoing, have lots of friends and enjoy being social. Most social situations just make my stomach hurt- always have. I am afraid to say the wrong thing. To make myself look like a fool or to be outright rejected… afraid I'll have a panic attack. It is still lonely at times, but it has never been enough to make me open up to people outside the family.

But, being with Bella was nice. Not just the sex, but the companionship. I have always been content with surrounding myself only with my family. Even though Jasper and Rose spend almost as much time at our house than at theirs, it still took me a long time to feel comfortable enough to open up around them. But they are now so wrapped up in each other that I feel like an outsider all the time. They do try to include me, especially Alice & Jazz, but I don't want to infringe on their time together, so I usually decline.

When I get home, the light in Dad's study is still on. I don't want to go to bed with all this shit rattling around in my head, so I grab a couple of cookies and two glasses of milk from the kitchen and head over to the study. Dad is poring over some charts, but he looks up when he feels my presence.

"Hey, son. What's up?" I hold up the cookies and milk and sit down in one of the overstuffed chairs on the opposite side of his desk. He gives me a look trying to suppress his smile. "Now you know your mother doesn't approve of me eating anything this late, but since you went to all the trouble of getting it and everything." His smile breaks through as he grabs the late night snack from my hands.

"Hey, Dad. I'm not ready for bed and I saw the light on so…" I shrug and take a bite of the chocolate chip deliciousness.

"OK. Is this a 'hey dad I'm alive and well, just checking in' kind of conversation or a 'hey dad I need your fatherly advice to survive the next few weeks' kind of thing?"

"Well, a little of both, I guess. What were you like in high school?"

"I was quieter than most of my friends and at the top of my class, but still the captain of the varsity soccer team in both 11th and 12th grades and senior class president. I see so much of myself both you boys, and even in Alice… sometimes."

"Yeah, Alice is her own brand of unique, but I know what you mean. I can see you in Emmet, he may be a giant, but he has your open, easygoing nature and people are just drawn to him, the way they are to you. Alice is determined and always sees the good in people, just like you. But I don't see much of myself. Mom says I have your smile, your chin, and your bone structure, but other than physical things, I just don't see it… I wish I was better, more like you." I stare down at the glass of milk in my hands so I don't have to meet his eyes.

"You don't see yourself very clearly sometimes, you know. You are incredibly intelligent and have a thirst for knowledge that is unrivaled. You are sensitive and loyal, almost to a fault. You are a good person and have a big heart…"

I scoff, "Yeah, a big heart…the perfect target to get broken. Sometimes I wish I could just close myself off from the world."

"Well, Son, you may not want to hear this, but I think you have already closed yourself off. I worry about you."

I sigh deeply, "You may be right about that."

"You can't let fear dictate your life. Sometimes you just have to put yourself out there."

"I already did that and look what happened." I say barely above a whisper.

He gets up, rests on the corner of his desk and puts his hand on my shoulder. "I know. I'm proud of you. The past couple of weeks, you were happier than I've seen you in a long time. Please do not let that chase you back into your protective shell."

"I'll try, dad." I say as I stand to leave, but just as I reach the door he speaks.

"You know what else we have in common? When we fall in love, we fall for life."
I stiffen, "What does that mean?"
"The girl, its Bella, right? You've been in love with her your whole life. I can't believe you would react so viscerally if it was anyone but her."

"I haven't been in love with her my whole life. What are you talking about?"

He chuckles, "I met your mother when I was nine and she was eight and we have been together ever since… accept for a few months in high school. We got into a horrible fight and broke up. I can't even tell you what the fight was about now, but we eventually worked our way back to each other.

"I always thought that. Even when she basically disappeared for those years when we were younger, I knew she would come back. I knew we were meant to be together, but now… I just don't know anymore. She is different. When we're alone, I see the girl I love in there, but otherwise she is this different person. I don't know. I think maybe I've been wrong. Maybe we aren't meant to be together."

"It will be alright, son. It will, just try not to force it. If it's meant to be, its meant to be. It will happen when the time is right."

"Thanks for the talk, dad. I would appreciate it if you kept it just between us. I just need some time to think. 'Night."

"Good night… and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't tell your mother about the late night cookies and milk."

I chuckle and not my head as I head up the stairs. I look around my room. It's now back to being clean and organized just like it was before I flipped out… you almost can't tell it ever happened. I look at the glass door and think of Bella. My heart wishes she would walk through that door and tell me she was wrong, that she needs me more than Bella the Bitch, but my self-esteem, my pride, and my common sense tell me I have to move on. So I do something that I haven't done since June… I walk over and lock the door.


A/N: It will probably be a couple of weeks for chapter 12. I'm not exactly sure how many more chapters there are, but it is winding down. I got some good feedback for the last chapter. I love it. Keep it coming. I know there are mistakes- I never did get a beta- so if there is anything that is bugging you, let me know and I'll fix it or explain it! As always, thank you for reading and tell me what you think!