Come True
By: Michelle Rose Landau
Summary: A perfect apology B-Day cake sets off an argument, and as a result, wishes are made.
Pairing: Deeks/Kensi
Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS: Los Angeles, nor any of its characters. They are the sole creative property of CBS.
A/N: I made some changes to this chapter. I didn't like the direction that I was taking Kensi or Deeks, especially when I take into account what I want to happen later in the story. As an aside: why the H did TPTB decide that the world needed The Smurfs 2? What. The. Snickerdoodle. Anyway, thank you for all the reviews, favorites, and follows! They are much appreciated! Enjoy.
~eleven~
Kensi polishes off the family size bag of Lay's ruffled potato chips, scraping the last remnants of the ranch and bacon flavored dip with it and then stuffing it into her mouth. She licks her fingers then she picks up the remote and surfs through the channels, mostly without interest. She's watched all the movies she wanted to watch, she went through all of her DVR shows...so depressing.
She eventually settles on Beverly Hills 90210, wondering how she ever thought Jason Priestly was utterly gorgeous when she was at the height of her teen years. Granted, the 90s was an awesome decade, but...she shudders when she thinks about her viewing habits back then.
She knows the mind-numbing 90s melodrama is going to begin to irritate her by the start of the next episode in the marathon, and she turns off the television, thinking that a soak in the bath while listening to an audio book will be a more stimulating, productive, and relaxing activity. She pushes herself up off of the couch, and she attempts to walk without her crutches to the bathroom. She still feels a bit of pain, but it's steadily improving. She is more than ready to begin her physical therapy, and she hopes that if she gets the chance to show Hetty her progress, that perhaps she will be able to come back to work sooner rather than later.
Kensi is all for leave time, but not when she's handicapped.
No, her idea of leave time consists of any activity other than sitting on her ass in any other locale aside from her house.
Just before Kensi can gimp her way to the bathroom, her cell phone rings, and she groans, turns around and hobbles the few steps back. She picks up her phone and she sees that it is Deeks.
Her heart suddenly pounds, and every emotion that she's felt concerning him since everything they knew began to collapse around her. She immediately feels happiness, anxiety, anger, sadness, and uncertainty as her phone rings in her hand. She feels the words that she wants to say to him filling her mouth and making it unbearably dry suddenly. Her mind begins a war with her heart, and her stomach becomes the casualty as it sloshes and gurgles, making her regret that family size bag of potato chips and that dip.
Kensi doesn't know what to do at the moment, which is crazy because she knows how to answer a damn phone.
Answer it, dammit, before it's too late, she urges herself.
She presses the green ANSWER button, then brings it up to her ear with her shaky hand.
"Hey," she says softly.
"Hey Kensi," he sighs happily. "God, it's good to hear your voice...I-I miss hearing you, I-I miss...you," he chuckles softly.
Kensi finds that she can handle that.
"I miss you too," she admits.
"How are you feeling?" He asks.
"I'm pretty good," she says, sitting on the arm of her sofa. "My leg still aches, but, I'm getting around a little better. I start physical therapy soon, so..."
"Good," he says. "Just don't yell at your physical therapist. Be patient with them, okay? Remember they're there to help you."
"I know that," she huffs, wrinkling up her nose. "I don't really need it anyway, but I have to before I'm cleared to return to work."
He chuckles. "Just go with it, Kens. You gotta let go of the reigns."
"I guess..."
"Anyway, um...I wanted to talk to you," he says. "I think that we've both had time to calm down and think about things."
"Yeah, I've been thinking...a lot," she chuckles slightly.
"Me too," he confesses. "I just...I need to tell you some things that are very important and personal to me...things that you should know, things I hope will put things into perspective for both of us. Can I do that?"
She swallows thickly. "Yes."
He clears his throat.
"You asked me about swearing off female partners," he begins. "About if that was true. It's true. But, it's not in the way that you think. Ten years ago, I was a public defender, and I was assigned a partner. Her name was Rachel Hansen, she was a paralegal. We worked closely together on our cases, barely slept, we both lived off of fast food and coffee. She was brilliant, beautiful, funny, dedicated to her work. She was paying her own way through law school, and she had another job as a receptionist at another law firm. She was so passionate...when I think back on her now, she was a lot like you."
Kensi doesn't know how to feel about this so far, but she keeps listening.
"We got close," he continues. "And that's when I started noticing the bruises, the scrapes, and the bumps. I immediately knew what the cause was. The guy that she was with at the time was beating her. Son of a bitch didn't even bother to try to cover it up. Black eyes, spit lip, locks of hair torn out...I tried to help her leave, but she wouldn't hear of it. She said that he was just going through a rough time, and that he was getting help. I backed off, and after a couple months, things got better. But that didn't last long, and he started beating her again. One night, she came to my apartment. She had a bloody nose, black eye, and bruises everywhere."
"I helped her clean up, and she stayed with me for a few days," he explains. "In those few days, she was herself. She was...unguarded, and she laughed for the first time in months...she finally found the courage to leave her boyfriend. She moved in with her mother, and she just...blossomed. We were better than ever, and we had lots of fun together. God, Rachel was..."
Kensi hears his voice beginning to tremble, and she prepares her heart for his next words.
"Rachel was a spectacular girl," he utters solemnly. "And...I fell in love with her. Rachel was the first woman that I'd ever fallen in love with, and I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I knew I couldn't just outright tell her, though, especially after what she'd been through. I was willing to wait, you know? Give it time, show her in little ways...but I think she knew, and she was...waiting for me to say so, but I was too afraid."
He pauses, and she hears him sniffle, and she wishes that she can be there right now.
"One day...it was just a regular day," he continues, taking a breath to compose himself. "We were preparing our case, and we were about to head to court. We got to her car, and her ex was waiting for her. I called 911, and she tried to talk to him, get him to leave. He was...insane. He called her horrible names, accused her of cheating...he pulled out a gun. After that, everything happened so damn fast, and...I froze. Sick bastard shot her three times, then he ran off. Rachel died right in front of me. I never got to tell her. More than that, I-I felt so angry and guilty because I couldn't...I didn't...protect her..."
"Deeks," Kensi whispers. "God...you know that it wasn't your fault."
He pauses again, and she can hear him trying to get himself under control.
"I know," he says once he calms.
Kensi is shaking at the thought of how horrific that moment must have been for him. "I'm so sorry that you had to go through that."
"LAPD found him in his car later that evening. He'd shot himself. After it was all over, I just...hurt. Kept replaying it over and over in my head. It wasn't the first time in my life that I'd felt helpless, and defenseless. I never wanted to feel that way again, I never wanted to put myself in that position again. That's why I insisted upon not working with a female partner when I started with LAPD. I never wanted to feel that way about a woman that I have a significant risk of losing. I couldn't bear it. More than that, Rachel was the first woman I ever loved, and I thought I'd never get over it. And I guess, I never really did. I've never had a serious relationship...then I met you."
Kensi's heart pounds.
"I swear, Kens," he chuckles. "I could not stop thinking about you; I couldn't stop thinking about how gorgeous you looked, and I couldn't ignore the way you made me feel. When we became partners, I was so worried about what was going to happen. All the what ifs, and the worst case scenarios started playing out in my head, but...all those doubts disappeared because you're strong, you know how to survive, and you're damn good at what you do. Sure, I still worried about you, but...working with you has changed my life, Kens."
She shakes her head, closing her eyes.
"Deeks...why are you telling me all this?"
"I'm telling you this because I found myself in that position again," he explains. "I still am in that position. We-we're on the brink of losing everything, Kensi. It's hard to admit, but I'm to blame for that too. When I realized that I'd fallen in love with you, I knew that I had to take it slow, but I didn't want to wait too long, like I did with Rachel. I knew that I had to take the risk because I didn't want to make that mistake again. She died before I could put words to my feelings, and it took me a long time to get over that regret."
Kensi feels tears falling, and she sniffles.
"I'd been wanting to tell you that I love you for so long," he continues in a shaky voice. "And, on my birthday, I really thought that I'd have that chance to be alone with you, and perhaps have a more intimate setting...I was really hoping that those dinner plans were for us because I was thinking about telling you that I love you. But things didn't work out that way, and then the crash happened, and...all that was going through my head was that it was happening again. I almost lost you, Kensi, and I almost didn't get the chance to tell you how much I love you. I know now that I forced you to face things that you weren't ready to face. I apologize for that, Kensi."
"But on the other hand, I felt-feel in my heart, my soul, that something deeper is between us, and I wouldn't have put everything on the line if that weren't the case...I knew that you weren't ready for it, but...I just didn't want to experience that regret all over again. I couldn't. I wouldn't be able to live with myself."
"Deeks..."
"Kensi, look, the reason why I told you all of that is because I've been offered an opportunity to advance my career in NCIS."
"I thought that's why you went to the training to begin with?" Kensi asks.
"Yeah, but I had an interesting conversation with one of Hetty's...sheez, I don't even know what to call this one...but her name's Kelly Carson, she's the director of the Department of Interagency Operations."
"Oh, yeah, I've heard of her," Kensi says. "What do they want with you?"
"Don't know yet. But apparently she and Hetty feel the need to 'groom' me."
"Which is impossible," she jokes, and he laughs.
"Hey, my look is groomed to be one of a kind," he drawls, and she rolls her eyes.
The mood turns somber again.
"Anyway, Me knowing exactly what that entails is contingent upon my agreeing to do it. I have to make a decision by Monday, and whatever the job is, they want me to have a clear head. No distractions."
"I'm a distraction?" She asks.
"Yes," he says. "Kensi, I just...my heart is out there. My heart is telling me that the love that I feel for you is real, that it's something worth pursuing, and that it didn't just happen. This developed over time. Enough time that I know, Kensi, because I've gotten know you so well, I admire you, I respect you, I care about you, and I know that you have those same sentiments for me. I know that you care about me too, I know that you'd put your life on the line for me. But I also know that you know that we've got something deeper than the professional."
She combs her fingers through her hair, as she blinks her tears away.
"I do know that," she admits.
"I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just...I need to know how you really feel. I need to know because we've got to find some way to move forward. You're safe, Kens...I'm sorry for yelling at you, and for making you cry because dammit...that's the last thing I want to do to you is make you sad, or angry, or make you feel unsafe. You're safe, Kensi...and I'm going to be okay with what you have to say, I'm going to respect what you have to say because I'm not angry, I won't be angry..." He pauses to chuckle. "I never really can stay mad at you."
Kensi grins. "Much as I want to, I never really can stay mad at you either."
"Please Kens...I-I can't make a decision with a clear head until I know what you're thinking, what you're feeling. I need you to be honest with me...I need you to trust me."
She feels overwhelmed, and there are so many thoughts, so many words, but, she just doesn't know what she's thinking. All she knows right now is what she feels, and what she feels is primal, is instinctive and reactionary: fear. Out of all of the emotions she wants to feel, fear emerges as the strongest and the most fierce because everything that she's known is threatened. The functional, safe sphere in which she operates has been thrown into chaos, and she is helpless to stop it, and she can't fix it. Not while she's broken physically, and so close to breaking mentally and emotionally. She feels at a complete loss.
Kensi is very much familiar with fight or flight in the face of danger. Where things currently stand with Deeks is dangerous, and she is terrified, and those are her only options at this point.
Fight or flight.
She takes in a shaky breath.
"I don't know what to say, or how to say it," she begins. "But I know how I feel, Deeks...I'm scared."
Flight.
"I'm scared, and I don't know what to do," she cries softly. "I'm sorry..."
"It's okay," he says quietly. "I understand, Kens. Thank you."
She sniffles.
"Whatever it is that you're going to be doing, if you decide to do it, while you're at Camp Lejeune, just be careful, okay?"
"I will," he promises.
"Are you good?"
"Yeah, I'm good."
"Okay," she says. "I guess I should take a page out of your playbook, get my own head clear. Maybe things will start to make better sense."
"They will," he assures. "We're going to get through this. I don't want to lose you, Kensi. That's a regret I don't want to have to experience."
She shakes her head.
"I'll talk to you later, Deeks."
"Bye Kens."
She hangs up, and she sighs.
Deeks rubs a hand over his face, letting the pain of the memory of Rachel ease away. At his place, tucked away in a favorite novel of hers that he acquired after her death, is the clipping from LA Times, with her picture on it. Her family was devastated, her coworkers, including himself, were devastated. He'd never experienced grief before then, and the grief and guilty he felt over her hurt every bone in his body. He realized some time afterward that what he'd witnessed that day took him back to when he was eleven years old, and watching his mother being beaten senseless by his enraged father.
In that moment, he felt defenseless, and helpless and frozen in time and when he saw the gun, he knew he had to react. He'd jumped onto his father's back, and the surprise caused Gordon John Brandel to drop the gun. Agility was certainly on a young Martin Deeks' side, and he suddenly found himself in possession of the gun, and pulled the trigger.
Fast forward eleven more years, and he was frozen again, and Rachel died.
What people don't realize that in both of those situations, the law had failed. Rachel filed a restraining order against her ex, but he somehow got to her again. His mother, during the one time that she got up the courage to leave his father, needed help from the police to keep her and her kids safe, yet his father continued to stalk them, threaten them, and there wasn't a damn thing they could do.
After Rachel, Deeks couldn't practice law anymore. He didn't want to practice it...he wanted to enforce it, and protect people, help people, and give them hope and faith in a system that at it's core, is a great good. He loves his job and that passion is shaped by the struggles and tragedies he's encountered.
Telling Kensi about Rachel felt good, he'd kept that experience locked away for too long. Talking about Rachel also helped him realize that he didn't lose Kensi, that she's still here, breathing, and that despite how he feels about her, in spite of his love, he should have given things more time. She wasn't ready, she still isn't ready, to receive his feelings for her, and Deeks knows now that he shouldn't have made what happened with Rachel be the same as what was happening with Kensi.
Kensi deserved time to sort through how she felt.
He deserved time.
They deserved time, but he'd been too stubborn to realize it at the time.
He'd been selfish, too...foolish, and Hetty's words at the hospital surface in his mind.
Sighing, he takes out the business card that Kelly gave him, and dials her number.
"Director Carson."
"Hi, Director, it's Detective Deeks," he begins. "I've made a decision."
