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Chapter 11- Hopeless.
"I can't have kids Andy".
And just like he figured it would- it made her freeze right where she stood in his hallway.
But she didn't turn around, didn't dare look at him. And wouldn't allow him too see her either.
He could hear their breathing over the silence in the room, both having left themselves and each other breathless after their respective rants.
Whatever Andy had been expecting was nothing compared to what she heard. Never in a million years had she anticipated anything remotely even close to that coming out of his mouth.
And it hurt way more than anything else he could have said.
Andy felt her lungs draw in a long, shaky breath as her tears finally broke free; one daring to betray her attempts to stay strong.
Without even thinking about it, she took a small step away, followed by another and another until she was confined in the safety of the spare room- a closed door between her and Sam.
Sam had no idea how she would react, what kind of response there would be. But when she walked away, it was like every single fear he had about telling her the truth suddenly became a reality.
Back then, when they were a Them, and not just a Sam and an Andy, she had him thinking about the 'more' that there was too life.
It wasn't conscious thoughts, it was dreams and goal, ideals for the future.
Things he suddenly found himself wanting for the first time.
Kids, marriage, a life with someone.
Then he went for a standard check up and asked the doctor to check up on that because he just wanted to nullify any doubts in his own mind.
He wasn't sure how to feel when he heard that there wouldn't be a more in his life. It was a few days before Jerry died, and when that happened Sam found himself wondering what the point of more was when this was how life turned out.
He watched Nash crumble and that was just too much for him to bare so he took a step back, followed by another and another until Andy was completely out of reach.
In the days that followed he decided to keep himself a safe distance from her until it all came crashing down and there wasn't a them anymore. The more he had thought about it, the more it felt like he was making the right decision because he felt like he was taking it away from her, felt like she deserved motherhood more than any woman he had ever met. So he kept doing it, kept convincing himself that it had too be done until he saw her holding onto the grenade.
That changed his perspectives drastically.
In that moment, he chose having her in his life with any other option that there was when it came to having children filling their house one day.
Whatever she wanted, she could have- adoption, a surrogate, sperm donor, whatever it took.
But things didn't work out that way, he asked for a drink to explain everything but instead she left and he made a futile attempt to forget her and what he felt.
He heard the door close, and found himself wondering if he had told her months ago if there would have been a different outcome to her knowing. A different reaction.
He suddenly found himself wondering if the feint traces of hurt that he had seen in her eyes over recent weeks even had anything to do with him; even though he had seen it creep into her orbs only when she looked directly at him.
He wondered if he had gone so far as too really destroying every last morsel of feeling she had ever had for him, and if she had stopped feeling anything for him at all. He even wondered if he had made the right decision then, and was making the mistake now, not the other way around like it felt.
He never expected her to walk away after he said that. Never.
Seconds after he heard her close the door, he heard her yank it open again. He began mentally preparing himself to see her clutching both her bags at any minute, willing to walk out of his life without even so much as a backwards glance in his direction.
"You are so stupid" she whispered out between tears as she stopped on the other side of the lounge, Sam still rooted to the spot where she left him standing.
Sam's focus snapped to her hands to find them empty, relief being pushed away at the lack of bags in her hands. Just because she wasn't holding them didn't mean that she wasn't leaving.
"I know". Sam said, his jaw clenching as soon as he closed his mouth again.
"How can you just throw that out there now Sam? Why couldn't you have said something when it could have made a difference?".
"Would it have?". He countered almost immediately. He just needed to know if it would have or not, even though they'd never know for sure.
"What?". Andy's voice quavered in answer, like she wanted to deflect from answering.
"If I had told you then, would it have made a difference? Would it have mattered?".
Andy looked away, she couldn't answer that question either, or she just didn't want too because she thought he might not like the answer.
"I didn't think so". Sam hurled out, regretting it as soon as it left his mouth, his voice now revealing his true anguish.
"No! No. You don't get to do this okay. Not now". Andy yelled in reply shocking Sam. He'd only ever heard her yell when a suspect ran, or when she needed help. Then, it had never been that emotional.
"Then when Andy? When will you let me tell you that I made a mistake by thinking that it would be easier to walk away, to let you have a life you deserved without complicating things for you".
"All you had to do was tell me! You made a selfish decision Sam, one for yourself. You never let me have a say in the matter. Why couldn't you tell me then?". She was still mad, her voice fierce as more pain pulled through her side as she got worked up.
"Because I was taking that away from you. Because you would never get to have the family you should have, and you don't deserve that".
Sam was back to whispering, his need to yell seeping away as he watched Andy become more upset than angry again.
Once again Sam managed to tear her hear apart with a few simple words.
"There are other options Sam, but I guess that you know that already don't you".
It didn't take a genius to figure out what she was hinting it, she probably found out about Megan and put one and one together to get thirty-six.
Sam had looked away when she said that, so when he mumbled "You've got it all wrong" and looked up, he found himself talking to an empty room.
He found the spare room door open, Andy's bags tossed onto the bed as she threw everything from the bathroom on top of the bed with one hand while she held her phone to her ear with the other.
Sam leaned against the doorframe and crossed his arm's watching her make ten trips to the bathroom and back to move six items with one hand.
"So you're running again?". He really should learn to talk when it mattered and to shut up when he should.
"Trace hang on". She mumbled into the phone before pulling the phone away from her ear when she spun to face him. She was furious now, beyond pissed off.
"How dare you. You can't drop all that on me now and expect me to understand Sam. You have a girlfriend, and I shouldn't even be here. I knew that this was a mistake, that I shouldn't have come here but you guys wouldn't listen. Does she even know I'm here?".
Andy looked so beautiful in that moment that Sam nearly lost all his shit completely.
She was defiant, her face tinted in pink as she let her blood pressure escalate, it wasn't a blush but he loved it when she blushed; and this was as close as he was going to get right now.
"Andy...". But she wouldn't listen. She turned away and put her phone to her ear before saying "You need to come get me now".
She knew that she wasn't handling this really well, but seriously? It was all too much.
She got shot, hit four times, Sam yelled at her, and the she got attacked at home and had to take a life because in that moment it was his or hers. She ended up where she did not want too be, and had the worlds biggest bombshell dropped on her- all in thirty-six hours.
Did he expect her to handle it well?
Twenty minutes later Traci pulled up outside Sam's house and found Andy on Sam's front steps with her bags at her feet.
Sam was standing behind Andy who refused to look at him, his face void of any emotion.
Traci got out of the car and headed for Andy knowing that something had happened. She heard what Andy told Sam, and from her tone when she told her to come get her, she wasn't herself.
Traci looked between Sam and Andy, her heart breaking for them. She scooped Andy's bags up when she reached her noticing that Andy was really pale, and clutching her side.
Sam didn't move, just leaned against the doorframe watching them.
"You sure?". Traci whispered, just wanting to make sure that Andy knew what she was doing, that she wanted to leave.
"I'm sure". Andy however really didn't care who heard her answer.
Minutes later they were driving away, Traci still seeing Sam on his doorstep as he watched them drive away, in her rear view mirror.
"You okay?".
Andy debated using the usual 'fine' to answer but when she looked up at Traci she couldn't. "No".
"Want to tell..."
"No Traci I don't. I'm sorry but this... I... I don't even know anymore. This is hard on you and I'm sorry. I just don't want to make it worse".
Andy was mumbling words that her brain didn't even understand right now.
Traci stared at Andy before focusing on the road, whatever Sam had said or done was really bad if Andy shut down completely.
Sam stood outside for a while for no reason at all.
He looked up and down the dark street, looked up at the sky, searched for the moon but didn't find it and left his mind to become a total blank.
When he made it inside he grabbed a beer and sat down immediately feeling his house feel empty now that she was gone.
He should be used to it by now.
Replaying the words and emotions that had been thrown around Sam cursed himself for doing this now.
But he had just so desperately wanted to make things better.
He should have waited, given her time, been her friend. Let her find out about Marlo on her own. He should have waited. It was what he'd always done- for her.
Now he was just waiting for nothing.
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