A/N So it's been three long weeks, and again I cannot apologize enough. I try really hard to be consistent. So here is the visit with the Cullen's. I hope that it doesn't disappoint, but in the end, what needed to be said has been said, and now we can move forward.

Thank you to my dear sweet beta Breath-of-twilight. She puts up with my crap and makes me better. Thank you to smokefairy and mighty-moo who gave me their opinions honestly. I really appreciate your support. And to my wonderful readers. Without you I would lack a lot of confidence, and that is invaluable.

Now I would love to get feed back from my lovely readers. What you guys think, means so much to me. How am I going to know if I suck if you don't tell me. :)

The song for this chapter is Landslide by Fleetwood Mac. Hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stephanie Meyer is a goddess and she owns everything. No copyright infringement intended.


Chapter 11

Honesty

BPOV

When I saw the Cullen's house show through the trees, I started to feel like I was going to hyperventilate.

"You okay, Bella? Do you want me to pull over?" Emmett asked.

"No… I'll be fine, just keep going." I hadn't anticipated being this anxious, but after the last few days of my life what did I honestly expect? So many things had happened in such a short period of time.

As we approached the house, my chest began to constrict, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. Emmett kept glancing at me from the corner of his eye, obviously checking to make sure I was indeed fine.

The car came to a stop, and I looked up at the big white house. It looked exactly as it had the last day that I had been here. I felt a little sick inside, knowing what and who was in there waiting for me. Ultimately though, I needed to confront the Cullen's. I needed to be able to say all the things that I couldn't say over the last eight years. I wouldn't be able to move forward until I purged myself of all those feelings.

"Are you ready?" Emmett asked.

"Can you just give me a minute?" I just wanted to pull myself together, as best as I could, before facing the people that broke me.

Emmett just nodded his head and made his way towards the house.

Once I was alone, the panic started to settle in. It took me a few minutes to get myself under control. I wanted them back in my life, and this was the moment that that would come to fruition. I just kept repeating it, and with that thought clearly in the forefront of my mind, I opened the door and stepped out of the car. I smoothed out my skirt and concentrated on taking one step at a time.

The house seemed to grow larger with every step, and the panic rose yet again, coursing through my veins rapidly. My feet stopped at the bottom of the front porch steps. I looked up to find Emmett coming down the stairs to meet me, but I found myself wishing that it was Edward. The realization that things may never be the same, or the way I wanted them to be, was a very hard notion to accept.

I grabbed Emmett's arm and we slowly made our way up the stairs. My feet felt like they weighed a hundred pounds apiece. As we stepped into the open doorway, I was shocked back to reality by the collective gasps of the Cullens'.

I looked back at the seven pairs of golden eyes staring at me, and I was overcome with emotion.

I saw Esme move towards me, and Carlisle moved to stop her. Without a second thought I ran to her and threw myself into her loving embrace.

I had not been close with my mother for a very long time now, and I sorely missed having motherly contact. Esme had always felt like a mother to me, and to just be in her presence made me ache inside.

After that, one Cullen after the other lovingly greeted me. Alice, who I may have missed the most next to Edward, seemed to miss me just as much as I had missed her.

Jasper nervously approached us next. Obviously gauging my emotions to make sure he wasn't scaring me. When he embraced Alice and me, I felt like what happened when we had last seen each other was washed away. I was pleasantly surprised and wanted to make sure that I could tell him that I was never angry with him for what happened.

Rosalie cautiously approached us next, and her reaction completely surprised me. She walked right up and hugged me so tightly that I wondered what had changed her feelings for me. When she told me that she missed me, it not only shocked me to my core, but made me feel hopeful for the first time in a very long time.

Seeing Carlisle was harder than I had anticipated. I missed Charlie, and Carlisle only served as a reminder of what I no longer had… a father. I had missed Carlisle, a lot, but I couldn't allow myself a completely happy reunion. Feeling like I was somehow betraying Charlie with my love for Carlisle.

Edward was the last to greet me, and I wanted nothing more than to run to him and throw myself in his arms. When he left, he said that he didn't want me to come with him, and that I wasn't good enough. The other night proved that he still had feelings, but I wasn't ready to discuss that with him just yet. It was easier to feign indifference than to confront what was really raging inside of me. So I did the only thing that I could, I turned away.

"So… thank you for being patient with me. I needed a little time to wrap my head around the fact that you have come back before I could actually meet with all of you. It's just… I… it's just been a long time… and a lot…" Tears started to trickle down my cheeks, and I could feel the sobs building in my chest.

Panic started to constrict my body, and it felt like I might lose control when Jasper moved to help me sit down. I was so ashamed that I could barely speak, so I buried my face in my hands. I didn't want to face them while I was weak, but realistically, I had been weak for a very long time now.

"I had hoped I would be able to keep it together. I just hadn't planned on how I would actually feel seeing you all together again," I couldn't lift my head to meet their eyes.

"Bella, we are so…" Carlisle started to say something but I immediately cut him off.

"I know, you're all very sorry, but really, did you honestly think that if you came back and said sorry, that would make it all better?"

To say that they were all shocked would be an understatement. They were all rendered absolutely speechless.

"Listen… when you all left, the world as I knew it ended. Everything that I ever wanted walked away from me, including the family that I had grown to love as my own. There is no amount of apologies that can make that right." It was the cold hard truth. Sorry wasn't going to fix the gaping hole in my chest, or the mess my life had turned out to be.

"We want to hear about all of it, Bella. What has happened these last eight years? I know that there are probably many things you would like to say to us, and we want to give you this opportunity to say whatever you need to say to all of us," Carlisle urged.

I wanted to tell them everything, because their actions had defined me, and made me the person I was today. They needed to know the consequences of their actions in order for any of us to move forward. If moving forward with me in their life was what they wanted.

"Hard… things have been very… hard. I try and take it one day at a time but…"

"Bella, just tell us how it was? Don't leave out information because you're afraid to hurt our feelings. We need to know what I did to you… I need to know," Edward interrupted.

"Edward, what exactly do you want to hear? That after the love of my life told me that I wasn't good for him, and walked away from me, that I got lost in the woods frantically trying to find him. I was missing for most of that night when Sam Uley found me nearly comatose in the bushes.

"I was not only devastated but in shock. I couldn't figure out what I had done for you to treat me that way. I withdrew from everyone and everything.

"Charlie was so worried about my behavior that he called my mom to come and take me back to Florida. When she showed up, I vehemently refused to leave. Charlie was at the end of his rope and he just didn't know what to do with me anymore. Between the nightmares and the total withdrawal from everything…I really scared him." My voice had gotten louder as the familiar unwelcome feelings coursed through my body. When I talked about Charlie, sadness overcame me again, his loss having punched yet another hole in my soul.

"What nightmares, Bella?" Esme asked, concern evident in her voice

"I've had the same nightmare every single night since that night. They always start out the same… Edward leaves, but other things happen when I'm alone. I usually wake up screaming… sobbing… disoriented." No one could look at me, clearly upset by this admission.

"The screaming kept Charlie up most nights. He was always by my side trying to help me the only way he knew how, by being there for me, not abandoning me." That was a low blow, but it was the truth. Charlie never abandoned me. He supported me until the end. I couldn't help but glance at Edward when I said this. He was looking at his hands, still as a statue.

"I eventually came to the realization that you all were never coming back. I also realized that I was causing Charlie so much pain… too much pain… and I just couldn't do that to him anymore. I tried to put on a brave face every day, when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and never leave the house." I noticed that Edward was now looking at me. I took this opportunity to look directly into his eyes and said, "That's what your loss did to me. It made me want to fade away. You took everything when you left, the air I breathe… gone. I don't think you fully understood the repercussions of your actions."

That was the first time that I had looked into his eyes and spoken directly to him, and had him acknowledge me. I just wanted him to know. I just needed him to understand, so that all the pain inflicted on me and my loved ones weren't for nothing.

"I tried to maintain my friendships with the people at school, but… they just didn't understand, no… they couldn't comprehend what I was going through. From the outside it looked like I had just suffered a bad breakup. After a few months, Angela and Ben were all that I had left, and really, that was okay with me.

"I focused completely on my studies and managed to get a full ride scholarship to the University of Washington. I continued to study hard, opting not to have the typical college experience. I came home as much as I could to see Charlie…" I knew that the next part was going to be the hardest part of this conversation.

"On the night of my twenty-first birthday, I was waiting for Charlie to come home and celebrate with me. A drunk driver lost control around a corner and hit Charlie while he had someone pulled over. I rushed to the hospital… I held his hand as he died…"

Everyone was stone silent. Fat tears started to roll down my cheeks, and lowered my head so that I couldn't see any of them. I sagged, defeated, sobbing, and no longer really caring about what I told the Cullen's. It wasn't going to matter in the long run. It wasn't going to make Charlie come back, and it certainly was going to get me back the last eight years of my life.

"Bella… what can we do?" Esme asked quietly.

"Nothing… really… I guess I just want to know that since I have almost nothing left, maybe I could at least have your friendship back… all of you," I said, looking from one familiar face to the other.

"I've held onto so many bitter and angry feelings for so long. I guess I just really never realized what kind of toll that was going to take on the people that loved me," I said sniffing, losing myself in thought and looking out the living room windows. It had started to rain and the fog was starting to settle in the trees making it look later in the evening than it really was.

"This is my fault… everything. From the moment I chose to get close to you, to the day that I left… The reason that my family left and stayed away from you… God, how could I not have seen what this was going to do? The repercussions of my actions... I guess I just wanted to believe that you would move on. You were always too good for me, Bella," Edward said quietly, but I knew that I wasn't the only one meant to hear him.

"Damn right she is," Emmett grumbled under his breath.

"Emmett, you don't have to stick up for me, but thank you." I really meant it. I was just so tired of being… anything. I felt drained of my emotions. I hadn't even noticed that Edward had moved to kneel in front of me.

"No, Emmett's right. You were always too good for me. I think I really took for granted the fact that you wanted me as much as I wanted you. I should have given you a choice. That's the way a relationship should work. I want you to know, Bella, I lied. I lied to my family about what I said to you, so they would leave with me. If I hadn't, they never would have agreed to leave you. I can never express how sorry I am to all of you, but most of all to you, Bella," Edward said, looking up at me, his golden eyes boring into my soul. With that last declaration, Edward stood, looking down at me with sad eyes, then turned and left the room.

I watched as he walked away, panic rising in my throat. Alice was immediately at my side.

"He didn't leave, Bella. He just wanted to give you some time. When you're ready, he'll come back. I promise you, Bella, he won't make the same mistake twice." I hadn't noticed that I had nearly crawled in her lap, and Alice had her arms wrapped around me. I broke apart and she comforted me. My best friend that I thought I would never see again. I had missed her so much, in so many ways.

One by one I could feel hands on me… my arm… hands… head… shoulder… neck… I slowly raised my head to look at the people around me. All the Cullen's, except for Edward, were gathered around me in a protective huddle. If they had had the ability to cry, I think there wouldn't have been a dry eye in the room.

"Thank you for allowing me to get all of this off my chest. It's been pent up for so long. It's kind of freeing to actually purge these feelings. I just want us all to try and be friends again, if you can find some way to be a part of my life," I said quietly.

"Of course, Bella, we wouldn't have come back if we didn't want to be a part of your life," Carlisle said.

I just nodded my head. We all sat there for what seemed like hours, sitting in the same position. I took comfort in their closeness.

"Alice, would you mind taking me home?" I asked. I was drained. I didn't have any energy left to continue any more conversations. I knew that I would still need to talk with Edward, but that could wait. If I was going to make it to school in the morning, I needed to get home.

"Sure, Bella, what would you…"

"Tell Edward that I'll call him tomorrow," I said, effectively cutting her off.

I slowly got to my feet and turned to face the Cullen's. They all stood motionless staring back at me. Before my brain could catch up to my physical reaction, I had walked to Jasper and hugged him tightly. I then moved to each one, embracing them like my life depended on it.

After promising that I would be back soon, Alice left to deliver my message to Edward.

I walked outside and climbed back into Emmett's Jeep. Worrying and hoping that I would be able to keep it together once I was alone. I looked back at the house, and thought I had seen Edward in one of the upstairs windows. As soon as I had made eye contact, he disappeared again, somewhere in the depths of his beautiful home.