Unexpected
By Didi
Disclaimers: ABC and the Walt Disney Company owns "All My Children." No malice was intended when this little infringement was acted upon though I'm fully aware of that fact that I am probably infringing upon someone's creation. Not making any profits though I would really love to be able to. Anyone at ABC want to give me a job? I could definitely use the money.
Chapter Summary: Amanda keeps Josh in the dark as she reaches out to someone else.
Author's Note: I've basically stopped watching AMC. It's disturbing at best and at worse… well, it's just unwatchable at this point and I don't even want to try without cringing at every other point. And why, oh why, did they bring back Hannah? She was less than useless.
Rating: M for Mature
Key: "Spoken" "Thought"
Chapter 11 – Hand Holding
Josh hissed with pain as the scolding hot coffee splashed onto the back of his hand. "Damn," and sucked on the tender area between his thumb and forefinger. He was so exhausted that he couldn't even get coffee right.
"Let me," Erica said quietly as she took the tray of coffee from Josh's slightly numb hand. She glanced up at his tired face and touched his cheek for a moment. "You must be so tired now, Josh. Why don't you go home and get some sleep?"
It was tempting, oh so tempting…. "No," he shook his head and took a deep fortifying breath. "I want to wait around until I know the boys are out of danger."
"Josh," Erica took his hand and squeezed it for a moment, "That could be days," she informed him unnecessarily as she looked through the neonatal unit window at Zach's vigilante form over his tiny son's bed.
Following his mother's gaze, Josh felt his heart clinch with fear for the tiny little being that fought for every breath, every heartbeat, every minute of his miraculous life. Zach, a tower of strength, stood by his child's side, reaching out with one finger to touch the fragile hand of his son as if to lend him strength to go on and the will to survive. "I'll stay until Zach or Kendall tells me to leave."
"Then that would be now."
Turning, Josh was surprised to see a haggard Kendall wheel herself silently toward them. The hospital light and gown seem to suck all the life from her face and her eyes… her eyes held a world of pain and fear. "Kendall," he knelt before her as she came closer, her eyes already seeking out her husband. "You need to rest."
"I need to be with my babies," she corrected him with a determine set of her chin. Her wet jade eyes were big and tired on her pale face. Josh had never, not from the first moment he met her, thought Kendall as weak or vulnerable. Today… today she seem as delicate as Venetian glass, ready to shatter at the wrong touch.
"Kendall," Zach came out of the NICU with a frown. "You should be back in bed," stripping himself for the sterile paper gown and coming to his wife. Zach appeared to have aged a good ten years in the last 48 hours. But there was still a light in his eyes, the kind that men get when they fight the good fights.
"I want to be with our son," Kendall said looking at Zach then Josh then her mother. "I can't just lie there when I know that he needs me."
Josh wanted to do something, anything… "Kendall, your body need time to…"
"No," Kendall stated in her 'do as I say' tone as she stared at her brother then turned to her husband, "You help me in there or you get out of my way."
There was silence as Zach stared at his wife for a moment, his eyes dark with concentration. A war waged inside him as he weighed his options. But sharp pain and determination in Kendall's eyes couldn't be fought. Reaching over, he yanked a paper gown from one of the boxes and opened it up to drape over Kendall.
"Zach," Erica admonished, her eyes fearful for her child's health.
"Erica," Zach greeted as if there was nothing wrong in the world. He tied Kendall's gown on and reached for another, very calmly garbing himself again as if he did this every day. "If you'll excuse us. My wife and I are going to visit our son."
Josh held the door for them as Zach wheeled Kendall through, stopping his brother-in-law with a quick hand and whispered, "Ten minutes then she needs to go back. Her body took a beating, it needs to heal," before letting go.
Acknowledging the advise with a slight nod, Zach took his wife in as Josh closed the door. He stood in the window and watched Kendall weep at the sight of her baby, the little miracle that she and her husband created amidst Alexander Cambius' reign of terror. This was to be their new life, their new beginning.
"Please god," Erica whispered next to Josh as she quietly cried for her daughter, "Let Kendall's children be all right. She can't lose her babies."
-&-&-&-
Amanda shut the door to her room and calmly let out a breath. The day had been incredibly long; from arriving at the Fusion to the mad dash to launch their Fall concept line and getting Ava to do the web cast interview and then the surge of new product orders, it's been one fire drill after another with a success to celebrate at the end. As the high of knowing they've launched a profitable fall season wore off, the girls got down to business of selling cosmetics. And that had been painful. Without the dramas pulling her, Amanda's thoughts had ping-pong-ed in all kinds of direction until the she was ready to quit.
Babe had been the first to notice the stress taking a toll on Amanda and sent her home, despite her protest of having to open ConFusion. Del had effectively been promoted to temporary manger until Amanda can get back down to running the place again. But between the concept launch, Kendall and Greenlee's respective absences, it could be some time before Amanda is going to be able to carve out time to get down to the club.
Giving herself two minutes to collect her thoughts, Amanda went to her nightstand. Last night, after crying herself dry, she had formulated a plan… a plan that was going to get her through all the problems she's currently facing. A plan that would eventually work out for the best… for everyone. And Josh wouldn't ever have to worry about her.
Now, all she had to do was put the pieces in place.
The ringing phone was ignored… as it's been all day long. She already knew who it was… or at least who it could be.
First things first, the phone call she dreaded making. She had gotten the number from a webpage at a nearby internet café. She didn't want any IP address left on her computer here at Wildwind or at one of the Fusion work stations, it might arouse too many questions if someone were to accidentally stumble on it. Not that she expected anyone would but… it was simply better safe than sorry.
Taking a nice deep calming breath, Amanda picked up the house phone… then put it back down again. No, no… anyone can pick up on another extension. Better to do this on the cell phone. Then proceeded to pick up her cell phone, just as it rang again. It was Babe. She didn't want to talk to Babe. She didn't want to talk to anyone right now. All she wanted to do was to get on with this! Punching the "IGNORE" button viciously, she dialed the number on the little slip of paper before she lost her nerves.
"Pine Valley Clinic," greeted the cheerful voice from the other end.
Amanda felt the first wave of panic hit her before she had a chance to prepare herself.
"Hello?" came the voice again.
Pushing back her fears, Amanda took a breath. "Hello? My name… I'm… I need… I need to make an appointment."
-&-&-&-
Hanging up the phone, Josh stared at it dejectedly. A quick call to Fusion had informed him that Amanda had been sent home. She'd been apparently working non-stop since she left his side at the hospital almost two days ago. Fusion took a blow last year with the killings and now… now, thanks to the girls, it was on its way back to the top. He could certainly understand Amanda needing sleep but… but he wanted to hear her voice.
"Josh?" Jeff Martin approached quietly, carefully, not sure what his reception was going to be.
"Jeff," forcing a smile on his face, he greeted his father with a heartfelt sigh and a hug, the first he's initiated.
A little stunned and more than a little grateful, Jeff returned the embrace with a firm grip, lending strength and conviction behind the touch. "She's going to be fine. They're all going to pull through."
"We can't be sure," Josh admitted quietly as he slowly pulled back, letting his fear out to someone he knew wouldn't judge him for it and whom he didn't have to be brave with. "Little Ian is…"
"Ian?" Jeff asked, confused.
"Zach and Kendall's baby," he explained, "They just named him."
It was worth a smile, that little piece of news. "Ian," Jeff repeated, holding the name on his tongue for a moment. "It's a good name."
Nodding his agreement, Josh didn't tell Jeff Zach's private reason for the name, a little tidbit that he kept from Kendall as well. Ian meant god is forgiving in Hebrew. And god knows that Zach and Kendall have both committed some sins in their lives. "He's so tiny."
"He'll make it," Jeff assured him. "He'll make it because I can't imagine that Zach and Kendall won't put up one hell of a fight for him." He smiled again, something a little closer to amusement. "Let's face it, I can't imagine anyone foolish enough to go up against those two if they decided to play dirty. And parents will always be willing play dirty when it comes to their kids."
It brought a smile to Josh's face as well. "Kendall is at her best when she gets to play a little rough."
"And she's a Kane," Jeff said fondly and with some hint of exasperation.
"Give me the truth," Josh requested suddenly, unexpectedly and with the kind of tone that asked his father not to jerk him around. "Tell me what Ian's chances are."
There a full minute of silence as Jeff considered it. "They're not great but they're not horrible either. Hear me out," he said when Josh would have interrupted. "Ian's much too early as we can obviously see. He's lungs are under developed at best and his heart is having a difficult time keeping up. We're feeding him through a tub mostly because he's stomach is severely undeveloped. There's always chances of infection and with a case such as his…" he left it off. "There's going to be more surgeries, more drugs, more chances of something going wrong. He's definitely a fighter though. Most preemies wouldn't have survived that first night but that kid came out swinging at the world and he's still swinging hard. He's not going down."
"You want to put that in writing, Jeff?" Kendall asked as she wheeled herself over painfully. "Because right now, I can use as much guarantees as I can get."
"Kendall," Jeff went to her, eased her back in her seat so as not to pull at her stitches. "You should be back in bed, resting."
"We went to see Spike," Zach replied as he came around the corner, furious. "And then she made a break for it when she heard you talking." He gave her a look that was a strange mix of love and annoyance. Given that the man had chosen to marry Kendall twice despite all the reasons not to, he shouldn't have been surprised by her.
"What?" Kendall's act of innocence wasn't marred by the fact that she looked beyond just being weak and ill. "I heard my brother's voice, regardless of my instructions for him to go home and get some sleep, and I wanted to find out why he's still here."
Josh rolled his eyes at her. "Don't use me as an excuse."
"I don't know what you're talking about," she frowned at him. "Only one Kane gets to look this bad at a time. You go home and get some sleep. While you're at it, take a shower." She wrinkled her nose and leaned away from him. "You beginning to smell like used gym socks."
"It's good to know that your sense of humor survived no problems," Josh sighed and leaned in purposely to kiss her cheek. "Well, if you don't need me…"
"Josh," Zach said quietly, "can you check in the office and handle anything that…"
"All is quiet on that front," Josh assured him with a nod, "I called already. We're good and we've got a good team watching our back."
Zach nodded and looked to Kendall. "Time for you to get back into bed."
"I want to see Ian again," Kendall countered.
"Kendall," Zach warned softly.
"I'll go back to the room once I've seen our son," Kendall replied very reasonably.
"Promise?" he asked, suspiciously.
Kendall smiled.
Sighing with resignation, Zach nodded his head and wheeled his wife back the other way. "Oh home, Josh," he called over his shoulder. "Get some rest," just as he rounded the corner. Kendall's slender fingers wiggled a good-bye from around her husband's arm.
Jeff grinned as he turned to Josh. "Now there's an interesting couple."
"Like none other," he agreed.
Clapping a hand on Josh's shoulder, Jeff moved him toward the exit. "Your grandfather and I thought maybe we should meet for dinner next week or something, given what's happened with your sister."
"Would you mind?" Josh asked apologetically. "I'm kind of beat."
"It's understandable."
"How about this Friday? Say, around 6:00 PM?"
"Can you make it seven?"
"You work on Friday's now?" surprised. Senior doctors usually get the header days, Sundays through Thursdays.
"I volunteer at a free clinic during my free time," Jeff explained with a smile. "Seven is fine," Josh agreed with a nod. "Volunteer huh? One would think you wouldn't have enough time to do that with everything else you do around the hospital, including that new program I saw being bantered around by those new interns. Are Martins' born with the good boy scout gene? Because if they are, I think got bypassed."
Jeff laughed and ushered him out. "I'll tell your grandfather about dinner."
"Thanks… Dad," feeling slightly strange though it wasn't he first time he's called him that.
The title still gave Jeff tiny explosions of thrills to hear it. "Your welcomes, son."
-&-&-&-
Amanda's hand trembled as she started the car. She hadn't expected the appointment to be so soon but, as the nurse said, she really needed to be sure before she proceed with anything. Not that she would have a great deal of time to consider her options if she was correct in her estimation of the date of conception.
But the result was positive, just as she knew it would be. She hadn't even held out a shred of hope that she had been mistaken, her life wasn't nearly that lucky; far from it. And after the mandatory counseling session in two days' time, she could schedule her appoint to… to…
The phone ringing startled her.
"Hello?"
"Amanda?" Josh asked with concern.
"Josh," she breathed, not sure if she was glad or sad to hear his voice. And god, how she wanted to hear his voice in the last two days. She just wished she hadn't been so cowardly about it. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, the boys are holding their own. Kendall is getting better, more stubborn by the minute."
"Are you still at the hospital?" she pulled out of the parking lot and started home.
"No," Josh replied, sitting down on the empty bed. "I, um…. Kendall sent me home. She said that I need to sleep and that I was stinking up the place. So much for sisterly love."
"Actually, that sounds exactly like what a sister would say," Amanda laughed quite pathetically. "Hey, doesn't the hospitals have showers?"
"Didn't want to use it," Josh admitted. "Those showers at the hospitals are adequate at best and unsanitary at worse. Jeff and Joe both offered but…" he shrugged and didn't admit to the fact that he didn't want to step away from the little Ian. It may all be in his mind but the little guy seem to breath better when someone that loved him was around. And god, looking at that little tiny miracle child… Josh couldn't imagine anything more special.
"Are you at home?" Amanda asked softly, wondering if she could bring herself to go to him without spilling her fears. Josh didn't need that from her, not now… not ever.
Josh looked around the empty bedroom again. "Not exactly."
Making a turn one handed, Amanda shift the phone. "What do you mean 'not exactly?' Are you back at your apartment or not?"
"No."
"No?" surprised given the exhaustion she could hear in his voice. "Tell me that you didn't decide to go into the office? Because you don't sound like you can…"
"I'm not at the office," he assured her, a vague fuzzy feeling around his heart thinking she was concerned for him.
Making a face, "Where are you, Josh?"
Josh picked up the light robe from beside him and brought it to his face; the soft delicate fragrance calmed him. "I'm at Wildwind… in your room."
Amanda almost drove herself off the road but corrected course in time to avoid a tree. "What?" she could see in her mind's eye, the open appointment on her vanity, the empty pregnancy kit in the bathroom and the phone number to the Pine Valley clinic on her nightstand. "How did you get in?"
"Jamie let me in," Josh replied, not hearing the tension that suddenly characterized her tone. "He was on his way to the hospital."
"And he just let you in?"
"He was kind of distracted," Josh admitted with a smile as he played with the ties on the curtains. Jamie had been more than just distracted, he had been down right nice for a change. "Where are you?"
"I went to see my mom," she lied quite easily. "I was actually on my way to your place." She paused for a moment. "Want to meet me there in, say… ten minutes?"
"You want to go back there?" surprised considering they've never spent any time at her place. "I'd thought you might want to…"
"Your place is nicer… and more private," she added softly even as her heart pounded loudly in her chest. She didn't want him to know, didn't want him to see.
Josh smiled and leaned against the windowpane, gazing out at the grounds where the changing of the seasons was just beginning to color the trees. "Okay, I'll meet you there in ten minutes."
Amanda silently let out a relieved sigh and smiled blindly at the road. "Have you eaten?"
That bought a laugh to Josh's lips. "I'll pick up something on my way."
"Okay," she replied and wished, really wished that she didn't have to do this. "Josh?"
"Yeah?"
"It's going to be okay, right?"
The softness of her voice, the gentle pleading tone sobered him and strengthened him at the same time. "Yeah, it's going to be okay."
-&-&-&-
Amanda hesitated with her key in the door. Once upon a time, she didn't have any problems lying, cheating, scheming her way through things. But those times are over; she wasn't going to be a mini Janet-From-Another-Planet. Only now… now she needed that part of her she's vowed to put away to help her through this, for Josh's sake.
The apartment was lit with dimmed lights and fat candles, warm and safe from harsh reality of life. It smelled like rich vanilla that eased one into the comfort of the place and offered to allow you to leave your troubles behind. It felt… it felt right. It felt like home.
He offered her hot cocoa and a smile as she shed her coat and purse on the nearest surface and silenced her when she opened her mouth to speak. Leaning in, he gave her an undemanding kiss that was simply a greeting and a welcome. Urging her to the couch, he handed her a plate of cheese and meats and settled comfortably into the seat with a sigh. Pulling her close, he set the platter on their touching legs and silently began to eat. Watching him for a moment, she followed suit with a smile.
They were both exhausted from the day and in need of actual rest, not just the kind that involved sleep. No words, no rush, no pressures.
He obviously understood.
The silence was easy and the company undemanding. They just sat and enjoyed the precious time they had where nothing and no one tugged at them for attention. Amanda snuggled in, tucking herself into the contours of Josh's body. He in turn, pulled her to him tight, folding limbs together, tangling them in an embrace that was as much intimate as it was reassuring.
This, right here right now – this was home.
-&-&-&-
"Ms. Dillon…" Mrs. Starling began quietly, respectfully.
"I know what you're going to say," Amanda interrupted softly, just as respectfully. She understood that the woman had a job to do and she was doing it with the great deal of patience and care given the number of whiny teenagers Amanda saw in the waiting area. "I know there are other options and other ways to deal with an unexpected pregnancy. I'm not completely naïve and I am old enough to have known better than to have unprotected sex."
Mrs. Starling smiled at that. "Would you like to discuss some other options?"
"I can't," Amanda replied regretfully. "I'm not being selfish here, at least, I hope I'm not."
"Why do you say that?"
Amanda played with the bracelet on her wrist for a moment. "Life is pretty precious, every single one of them. I've lost enough people in my life, seen enough people hurt to know just how special life is." Josh had taken his leave of her just that morning with a kiss and a wish for little Ian and Spike. He had been so affectionately concerned for the little guys that Amanda had felt tears in her eyes and hastily said good-bye before she did anything stupid. "And I know that what I have is a gift. I can't imagine how many women out there can't have kids."
A wrinkle of concern appear between Mrs. Starling's lined brows. The mother in her could see the conflict in the child's eyes. "Then why are you considering an abortion?"
Biting her lower lip for a moment, Amanda decided that the truth is probably the best here. "There's a genetic defect in my family, a mental one that's pretty serious in nature. I… I've seen it hurt a lot of people, good people and… and I can't bring another person with that kind of destructive behavior into the world where it could potentially hurt more people, including people I genuinely love." She could still see her father, the man that loved her mother, frozen in death. "I can't do that."
There was a long silence as Mrs. Starling digested all that with a sympathetic heart. "I can see you've given this considerable thought."
"It wasn't an easy decision," Amanda admitted sadly and rather bitterly at the injustice of it all, "but it's the right now," she continued a little more firmly. "And it's the one that I'm going to be sticking to."
Twenty years of counseling equated to a lifetime of reading people. Amanda Dillon had made up her mind and nothing Mary Starling said was going to change her mind. And the counselor in Mary saw the elements of a society riddled with problems couldn't disagree with the young woman; why bring a child into a world only to allow it just like this to be filled with pain? The though braced her as she nodded. "I'll help you make the appointment."
Something in Amanda gave away. "Thank you," standing to leave.
"But before you go today," Mary said quietly as she stood as well, "Let me give you some pamphlets, things you should probably know about the procedure and the follow ups."
"I would appreciate it," Amanda reply softly, swallowing the big lump in her throat as she silently told herself this was the right thing to do… for the umpteenth time. "Thank you for…" she didn't know what to say.
She nodded in understanding, knowing that this wasn't an easy choice for the young woman. "I'll call you with the appointment date and time. I assume that you'll want to the first available date?" Amanda's answering nod had Mary feeling suddenly very resigned. "You will also need someone to come with you," she added quietly, "someone to get you home afterwards, and to take care of you."
Startled, "I'll be all right. I don't need anyone to help."
"I'm afraid it's the clinic's policy. You'll be a little disorientated afterwards. You'll need someone to drive you home and check on you ever few hours afterwards. It's just a precaution but it's one that we take serious around here."
Amanda considered it a moment, wondering who in the world could understand enough to help her without blabbing. "I'll bring someone."
"We'll need a name by the day of the procedure," Mary replied as she ushered Amanda out, passing her a handful of pamphlets she kept neatly stacked next to the door. "Please do call me if you have any questions, concerns, thoughts, anything."
"I appreciate it," Amanda said quietly, feeling her emotions closer to the surface that she'd like, "But this is something I have to do." She smiled her thanks, "I'll find someone to come with me," then walked away. So intent was she in her own thoughts, she failed to notice the white coat doctor down the hall watching her as she left.
It wasn't until she was in her car did she realized who may be able to help. It wouldn't be easy and it's likely to bring up some painfully bad memories but she had no one else to turn to. Scrolling through the phone book on her cell phone, Amanda took a deep breath and called.
"Hello?" was the gruff and abrupt greeting.
"Hey, it's Amanda."
A long sigh answered. "What happened now?"
"I'm in trouble," she explained cryptically. "I need your help."
There was no answer for a moment from the other end before the resigned question came. "What do you need?"
"You," she said quietly, feeling the unwilling tears gather in her eyes. She's never felt so alone in her life. "I need my brother, Tim. Please?"
To be continued…
