Chapter 11

Neal made his way to the out-patient clinic where Allison had an office. He was thankful he didn't have to go back to the hospital for his therapy sessions. He'd been home for two days now and he'd had a multitude of what he was now calling 'flash memories' but they were often incomplete or confusing and he spent a lot of time validating them with Sara or with one of their friends. He was learning to trust himself and to try to relax – that was most often the time the memories came to him.

'Good morning' Allison said as she opened the door to her office and waved him in

'Hi' said Neal, smiling as he took his place in the armchair by the door

It was his first session since he'd left the hospital and he was looking forward not only to sharing some of his recollections but also getting Allison's insights into what he was feeling - as jumbled up as his feelings were.

'Well, how did the move back home go?' she asked. It was the obvious question.

'Boy, talk about a loaded question' answered Neal; there was no simple answer

Allison just looked at him, waiting for him to go on.

'I've been home for two days now and the whole experience is very confusing' Neal began

'What do you mean by confusing?'

'Well, there are moments of pure clarity like instinctively knowing which of the keys on my keychain opens the front door, where the teabags are kept in the kitchen cabinet and the familiar feel of the mattress on our bed...'

'I'm sensing a 'but' Allison said, prodding him on

'But, some things are totally unfamiliar. The routines, you know, Hope going to school, picking her up, making dinner, Sara coming home from work. It's all so...' he paused, looking for the right word '...domestic'

'And that's bad because...'

'It's not bad, not necessarily. It's just that this change - from my old life to this life – it happened gradually over a period of six years and now I'm being asked to go from 0 to 100 in a few days and it's scary'

'That's a very insightful point, Neal' she said, nodding knowingly

'What about your relationship with Sara? How's that progressing?' she asked, observing that she was touching a nerve

'I'm afraid my being home might be making it worse for her in some ways' he ventured, not sure himself of what he was really trying to say

'How?' she asked

'She doesn't want to push me but I know she's anxious for us to go back to the way we were. I can tell it's tearing her apart. She's reaching out to me – you know physically – and... I've been holding back'

He stopped for a moment, laughing at the euphemism he had just used then, he continued 'I want us to have some physical intimacy but I don't want to lead her on.'

Talking about this aspect of his relationship with Sara was uncomfortable and he fidgeted slightly as he spoke. Allison just waited patiently for him to carry on.

'I've been using the cast as an excuse not to have sex but I really do want to be intimate with Sara. It's hard to lie next to her and not give in to my feelings and urges. I care about her a lot except that before it was always casual and now she's my wife, shouldn't it be more than casual sex?'

'What do you mean?'

'I feel like my feelings should be stronger or at least clearer if I'm going to make love to my wife – not just have sex for the sake of sex. Do you know what I mean?'

Neal shrugged, clearly uncomfortable.

'Well, married people have sex for all kinds of reasons, because they want to feel close, express their feelings but sex feels good and sometimes, sex is just sex, even if you're married. What was your sex life like before?'

'It was amazing. Sara was always very adventurous and open and ... hot. I love being with her but until I can honestly tell her I love her in the way she deserves to be loved, I just can't...'

'And Hope?'

'She's amazing – I can't believe I had a hand in creating something so wonderful.' He smiled as he talked. 'But it's like she's someone else's kid, you know. She finds it hard when I don't remember something about the past. Like yesterday, she was upset because I didn't know which pajamas are her favorite. Really?'

'She's just a child and children have to learn to be sensitive to what others are going through' said Allison, by way of explanation

'Anyway, I'm working hard to build some new connections with her, like you suggested. I'm taking her to the museum later today. That's something we really connect with – our love of the arts'

'That sounds promising' said Allison 'Just don't push yourself so hard, Neal. It's going to take a long time to rebuild your relationships. You have to be patient and the people around you have to be patient, including Hope'

She changed the subject: 'Has being in the house elicited any new memories?'

Neal pulled out his journal and began to look at his notes.

'When I arrived at the house, I got a flashback to when Hope was about three years old and I took her trick or treating'

'Was it a factual memory or a memory based in feeling?'

They had begun to differentiate between memories that Neal had that were just facts and those that elicited emotions in him. It was important for Neal to continue to connect with his feelings around events rather than knowing the details. Those could always be provided by someone else but the feelings would ultimately be the key that would allow Neal connect with this 'new' life and contribute to his happiness.

'Both' he answered 'Hope was scared and I wanted to console her and I picked her up and carried her into the house'

'And how did you feel when you were remembering that?'

'Good... competent. Like I knew what to do to make Hope feel better'

'Any other memories?'

'Yeah, a disturbing one that I haven't had the nerve to bring up with Sara yet'

Allison looked at him intently as she waited for him to go on.

'When I was sitting in our bedroom, I had a flash of Sara sitting in the armchair by the bed. She was very distraught and for some reason, I'm fussing with the bed instead of comforting her'

'What's on the bed?' asked Allison, urging him to recall the details of what he had seen

'This is the gruesome part; there's blood all over the sheets and I'm cleaning it up'

'Did Sara ever say anything to you about having a miscarriage?' asked Allison

Neal did a mental head slap; why hadn't that idea occurred to him?

'No' he said slowly as the picture in his mind's eye began to make more sense.

'How are you feeling in that moment?'

'Just that I want to make things better and that it's urgent that I finish cleaning up so that she won't be so upset' answered Neal as another piece of his fractured past came into focus.

WCWCWC

Neal stepped out into the noon sun. It was a beautiful March day, cool but bright and he thought ahead to how he would occupy his time until it was time to pick up Hope from school at three thirty. He had promised her a quick visit to the Children's Museum at MOMA and he was looking forward to spending time alone with her. He had volunteered to pick up the present for her little friend Rosalie's birthday party the next day and Hope had given strict instructions as to the precise Hello Kitty figurines he was to buy. He thought ahead to Hope's birthday the following week and made a mental note to talk to Sara about what they should be getting her for her special day.

It was Sara's last day at Sterling Bosch and she'd had a rough time getting up that morning, exhausted from all the hoopla of the previous week. He worried about her and the baby; he needed to be more attentive to what Sara was going through and he began to think of ways he could better support her. The baby was coming in another two and half months and he wanted her to know he was there for her. It hit him once again, he was going to have a son, a baby boy that he could love and care for from day one. Although he had some glimpses into his relationship with Hope as a baby, the recollections were far from clear and he looked forward to starting fresh with his little boy starting with his birth.

Since his session, he had been breathing more easily than he had when he'd gotten up that morning. It was definitely helpful to talk with Allison and get some things off his chest – although talking with a young woman about his sex life was slightly uncomfortable.

As he stepped out of Toys R Us, he heard someone calling him from across the parking lot.

'Neal, hi' said the woman. She was in her forties, blond, short and plump and she had a pleasant smile.

'How are you' she said as Neal struggled to place her in his jumbled mind

'Good' he said – what else could he say?

'And how's Sara? I heard you guys are expecting again - that's amazing, considering everything. Look, tell her I said hi and that we have to get the 'chemo ladies' together again soon. I'll call her'

Neal waved her off and continued on his way. What did she mean 'considering everything' and who the hell were the 'chemo ladies'?

He ended up meeting Mozzie at one of his safe houses, bringing along one of Moz's favorites: a Masala Chai tea from Starbucks. They settled in to chat.

'So, how's life on the homefront?' asked Mozzie

Neal just shrugged.

'Neal, you love your life, is all I'm saying. I know you can't just snap out of it but believe me, I only want what's best for you and this is definitely what's best for you.'

'How did it start, Moz – the transformation from who I was to this?'

'It was mostly Sara getting pregnant, I guess. I wasn't thrilled at the time, as you can imagine. It brought out all these protective, loving feelings in you and for a while, I almost disowned you'

Neal laughed. 'So why didn't you?' he asked

'Sara. She gave you a lot of room to be yourself and she always shared you with me' he said shyly 'With time, you just gradually fell away from the life but she made of point of keeping me involved in your lives. Even now, I'll drop by and you'll give me a hand with something I'm working on and she'll just turn a blind eye because she 'gets' us but she also knows you'd never do anything to jeopardize your family'

'That's just it, Moz, I'm not that guy at the moment. I would love a little offtrack adventure like we used to have. But I don't want to hurt Sara. Maybe it would be better if I went back to my old life...'

'I know it's confusing and that you can't just instantly change overnight, but give it a chance, Neal. This is really the life you were meant to live – white picket fence and all.'

TBC