Chapter 11 – The Hole You Dug

Author's Note: Hello again all of you amazing readers! I got this chapter up as quickly as possible because I felt bad about how long the last one took, but I'm not sure I'm as fond of it as the last one, so sorry if it seems rushed. This chapter is in two scenes from 5x11: the first directly following that wonderful Spemily bit in The Brew, and the second after Spencer watches the video Melissa sent her for the second time. It is from Spencer's POV. This is a Spemily story. All mistakes are mine. Let me know what you think, and I hope you enjoy! Thanks for reading!

P.S. – Breyanaxo: Thank you for all of your wonderful reviews, and of course the scene from The Brew made it in this week :)

P.P.S. – If there is anything specific you all want to see in this story, please let me know. I plan to keep going after the season finale, which means it will definitely go off-script, so pretty much anything goes!

Disclaimer: None of the characters or story lines from Pretty Little Liars are mine. If they were, it would be one big Spemily story.


"Hey now, I will play with my comfort food all I want, thank you very much," Emily laughed, sticking her finger in the enormous mound of whipped cream that topped her drink and proceeding to put a dollop of the sugary substance directly on the tip of my nose. "And there is nothing you can do to stop me."

The grin on her face was positively joyous, and I couldn't help but marvel at how absolutely breathtaking her smile was when she forgot about her troubles for a moment. There was nothing I could do but grin right back and return the gesture by drawing a line of whipped cream across her cheek, incapable of escaping her contagious playfulness. Emily's nose scrunched up adorably at the feeling of the sweet, sticky substance landing on her face.

"Really?" I inquired with a chuckle. "Nothing?"

With that, I quickly set my drink down on the table in front of us and moved my hands to her sides, taking advantage of the fact that my best friend was insanely ticklish. Seeing my move toward her, she immediately tried to escape, moving toward the table enough to place her own drink there, but not nearly far enough to escape my reach.

"Spencer, no, stop, oh god, you know how ticklish I am!" Emily giggled uncontrollably, squirming in her seat as she tried half-heartedly to get me to stop.

Scooting towards me when I ignored her pleas, she started to tickle me in return, and I squirmed even more than she did as I tried to continue my assault. We must have looked like such losers, two teenage girls tickling each other in the middle of a coffee shop and giggling like children, but I couldn't have cared less. Seeing Emily so carefree and light-hearted for the first time in a very, very long while was worth looking like the biggest idiot in the world. All I wanted was to keep her as happy as possible, no matter what it took.

"Ok, ok, I give!" Emily practically squealed, that beautiful smile still spread across her face. "You win! I'll stop playing with my food! Oh my god, my stomach hurts from laughing so much."

Smiling back at her, I pulled my hands away, but I made no move to put any space between us. Em was practically sitting in my lap, but she made no move to distance herself either, she just sat there and continued to grin at me. It took a few minutes, but I eventually realized that I had been staring a little too long to be within the accepted bounds of friendship, and I immediately looked away, grabbing my drink as I felt a blush rise into my cheeks.

"Glad we agree that I can get you to do just about anything," I joked, wanting to normalize our interaction, but belatedly realizing the accidental double entendre that had laced my words.

My blush deepened, and I continued to keep my eyes pointedly focused on my drink.

Emily just chuckled, either not getting the second meaning or choosing not to mention it.

"You are such a Hastings sometimes. You just can't refuse a challenge, can you?" She laughed lightly in return, poking me softly in the stomach before moving to pick up her drink as well. "I'll beat you at something some day, just you wait, Ms. Hastings."

I looked up to see Emily smiling genuinely at me, but there was a question in her eyes. My facial expression and body language probably confused her, especially given the levity we had just experienced, and I could tell she was concerned about me again, which made me feel incredibly guilty. Without even meaning to, I had managed to wipe to joy from her day.

"You beat me in plenty of things, Em," I offered sincerely, trying my best to smile at her. "I'm a hopeless swimmer, you know that, and I am absolutely terrible at video games, as you have seen many times. Not to mention, you are much kinder than I could ever hope to be, and you have actually managed to retain your sanity through this whole thing. Hell, I almost put a brick through a store window just a couple of hours ago…"

It was supposed to be a joke, but Emily's face kept me from adding the intended chuckle. She looked deadly serious, and even more upset than before, making me want to smack myself. I just kept screwing up; maybe my sanity really was slipping. That would explain the feelings I was having for my best friend when I had always been decidedly straight and was in a committed relationship.

"Spence," she started, looking for all the world like she was about to give me a lecture.

I had to stop her; I did not think I could handle another Emily pep talk, not when I felt myself slipping closer to her even without her kind words and comforting gestures.

"Em, I'm sorry, I was just joking, but it's probably too soon… Just, don't worry, ok? I'm fine, I promise."

My words flew out of my mouth in a torrent, and I knew immediately that they would not do their job. Emily's look of concern only increased at my protests. I knew for certain that she was not about to let it go so easily.

"Spencer, stop. I know you too well for you to be able to lie to me," Em stated definitively, her expression turning to one of intense focus. She had that no-nonsense tone in her voice that she reserved for standing up for her friends, and I found it oddly endearing that she was using it on me, for me. "Just like I know you well enough to know that your coffee addiction has been in serious decline since you stopped taking the pills because the caffeine makes you jittery and reminds you too much of a time you would rather forget. So spill. What's bothering you outside of what's going on with A? I know there's something, so you may as well just tell me. We need to stop keeping secrets from each other, or we won't need Ali and A to tear us apart, we'll manage that all on our own."

My eyes widened almost comically when she mentioned my avoidance of caffeine. I had tried my best to hide that from everyone, not wanting them to know that the scare I had with addiction was still affecting me, but obviously I hadn't been as discreet as I thought. Of course, if anyone could have figured it out, it would have been Emily, but I was still nervous about the possibility that Melissa or my mom or even A might have noticed.

As surprised as I was, I refused to let my guard down too much. I knew I had to give Em something in response to her question, and it had to be something at least partially honest, but I couldn't very well tell her the truth. There was no way I could tell her that I was terrified because I was beginning to have feelings for her, feelings she would never return, and that I hated being away from her but was in agony every time I was around her because I had no idea how to handle the situation.

Yeah, the truth was definitely not an option.

"It's Toby," I offered vaguely, not really sure how to continue.

My stress definitely had something to do with my boyfriend, so I had not exactly lied, but I immediately regretted my words regardless. Emily and Toby were good friends, and I was certain that Em was going to poke and prod until she got as many details as she could possibly squeeze out of me.

"What about Toby? Is he okay? Is everything okay between the two of you? What happened?" Emily demanded rapid-fire, the concern on her face growing every millisecond that I didn't answer.

I had to take a deep breath; I had no idea how to get out of the hole I had dug for myself, but I had to try.

"It's just, things feel different. If I'm honest, things have felt different since he left for London. I feel like we both changed so much while he was gone, or at least I did, and I'm not really sure how to make my way back to him. I'm not even sure if I want to make my way back to him…"

The last part of my admission came out in a whisper. I had not intended for it to come out at all, and I fervently hoped Em had missed it, but my hopes were dashed as soon as I saw her face. She looked confused for a moment, her face contorting as she tried to understand what I was saying, but then it appeared as though something had dawned on her all of a sudden. Scooting closer to me, she took my hands in her own, tugging me towards her just a little.

My eyes squeezed shut at the contact. I didn't want her to let go.

"Spencer, please look at me," Em begged, the tenderness in her voice forcing me to do as she asked. I was fairly certain there was not a thing on earth she could ask me that I would refuse any longer. "There is nothing wrong with having doubts. I know that his reaction to the pills unsettled you, and the fact that he continues to act like he needs to be your knight in shining armor instead of your partner and equal upsets you, but I also know that you have yet to discuss any of this with him.

Until you do that, none of this is going to be resolved, and you are going to continue to be distracted and depressed by how unresolved the situation is. If you two talk and you still feel this way afterward, then maybe something needs to change, but I think you need to have that conversation before you make any rash decisions."

It was good advice, which was no surprise coming from Emily, but I was flabbergasted by the lack of questions. I had expected to be interrogated about why I felt that way, but my best friend had done the exact opposite.

"Is that what you did with Paige?" I inquired gently, genuinely wanting to know, but also desperate to get the focus off of me for a while.

If she did decide to start questioning me, I wasn't sure how long I could withhold the truth from her. My walls were crumbling under her sincerity and compassion, and I would need time to rebuild them. Emily had a way of making me wholly vulnerable without even trying, and that frightened me more than A ever had.

"Kind of, but not fully, and that's one of the things that I regret the most about how I ended things with her," Em answered thoughtfully, sitting back from me just a bit. "Paige wanted to talk, she wanted to explain things more, but I shut her down. To be honest, I had already made a decision by the time she asked for an opportunity to explain, and I was afraid that if I let her tell me why she did what she did, I might change my mind. I was afraid of the effect she might have on me."

Emily's eyes got misty, and it was easy to see that she wasn't completely over Paige, which made me feel even guiltier about my own feelings. My best friend was already trying to juggle her feelings for Alison and Paige, along with the hell A was putting us through, and yet she was still trying to solve my problems. She didn't need to deal with my confusing feelings for her on top of all that, and I was more determined than ever to keep them from her.

"So you think the two of you might still be together if you had given her that chance?" I asked, curling into myself a little, not really sure I wanted to hear the answer.

Regardless of the fact that I knew I could never be with Emily, the idea of her being with someone else made me insanely jealous. It was ridiculous, and I knew that, but I couldn't help what I felt. In all honesty, I would have much rather seen Paige with Emily than Alison, given Paige worshipped my best friend and treated her well from what I knew, but I couldn't get over my ever-present belief that Emily could do better. I would probably never believe that anyone was good enough for her though, and it wasn't my place to judge anyway.

"Maybe," Emily offered contemplatively, staring off into space for a moment as she thought. "I'll never be certain though, and I think that's what I regret the most. I didn't let things play out, I didn't allow myself to see where things might have gone, and now I'll never know how things might have been…"

She was miles away from me as she continued to ponder her past with Paige, and I made the decision to give her time. The topic was obviously a sensitive one for her, and I didn't want to unintentionally sway her in one direction or the other by interrupting her thought process.

So I just sat quietly, sipping on my now cool drink and giving my best friend space.

The silence was broken when my phone beeped loudly, causing me to jump as I grabbed it quickly, my heart pounding at the thought that it might be A. Emily looked just as frightened, and I reached out to squeeze her hand with one of my own as I unlocked my screen.

It wasn't from A.

"Don't worry, Em, it's just Ali," I assured her, opening the message to read its contents.

From: Alison DiLaurentis

This has your fingerprints all over it, Spencer.

I had no idea you would be so vindictive just because I pointed out your little crush.

A frown formed on my face as I read, but I wasn't sure exactly how to respond to such a charge. I was honestly dumbfounded by how oblivious Ali was to the effects of her own actions, and I couldn't believe she thought I would orchestrate some kind of coup against her just because she bullied me about my feelings for Emily.

"What's wrong? What did she way?" Em demanded, giving me only a second to reply before snatching the phone out of my hand. Her face scrunched up in confusion as she read, and then she whipped around to stare at me incredulously once she finished. "I know our current situation was all Ali's doing, but is it true, Spencer? Is this why you're questioning things with Toby, because you have feelings for someone else?"

Her voice was gentle, but her words stabbed into me like a series of extremely sharp knives. My face turned about eighty different shades of red, and I gulped audibly. I had no idea how to answer her; I had already given myself away.

Emily moved closer to me, putting a bent finger under my chin and lifting my eyes up to meet hers.

"Spencer, you know you can tell me anything. I would never judge you. Never," she asserted quietly, almost whispering as she looked at me earnestly. When I didn't answer after a good few minutes, she continued, gently probing for answers. "Is it Andrew? I know he's been around, helping you out when Toby couldn't…"

I actually laughed at that. The idea that I could have a crush on Andrew was actually genuinely humorous to me. He was a genuinely good guy, but Emily should have known his edges were not quite jagged enough to fit into my own. I was damaged goods; I could never be with someone as clean cut as Andrew. Frankly, he was just wasn't all that interesting.

"Okay, so not Andrew," Emily posited, giving me an odd look that I could not quite decipher. "Why can't you just tell me, Spencer? I thought we weren't keeping secrets from each other anymore…"

She sounded so sad, and I felt extremely shitty, but there was no way I could be honest. Telling her would mean losing her, possibly forever, and I couldn't live without her.

Looking directly into her eyes was much too difficult in that moment, so I pulled her into a hug as I spoke, trying to avoid her piercing gaze as much as possible.

"I'm sorry, Em. I don't want to keep secrets from you, but I'm just not ready to talk about this. Please understand; please don't be angry with me," I begged, letting her go and standing up without meeting her eyes. "I need to go home. I'll talk to you later."

Turning, I was about to walk away when she spoke.

"Alright, I guess I don't have any choice but to try and understand where you're coming from," Emily stated unhappily, sounding frustrated and obviously struggling with her desire to demand more answers from me. "But you know that whatever is going on with you, whatever's happening, you'll never lose me. You know that, right?"

All I could do was nod my head before fleeing. Tears were running down my face as I threw myself into my car, slamming the door shut with frustration. I was riddled with anxiety and anger and confusion. My mind was tangling itself in knots, and I needed to do something to get rid of the desperate cloud of emotions that would no doubt hinder my ability to drive home.

I pulled my phone out.

From: Me

You dug your own hole, Ali.

It was due to your own actions that you alienated Emily.

My feelings have nothing to do with any of this, and you know it.

You can't blame your self-sabotage on me; you did this all on your own.

Congrats, your narcissism finally fucked you over.

- Spemily -

Tears continued to stream down my face long after I finished watching Melissa's video for the second time. My sister had actually believed I had killed someone, but then again, so had my parents; so had I at one point in time. Even knowing that the pills had been affecting me, that I wasn't myself, I couldn't help but question what it was about me that caused everyone to jump to that conclusion; what made me jump to that conclusion.

Had Emily ever jumped to that conclusion?

"Stop it, Spencer," I whispered to myself, shaking my head as I realized how crazy I must have looked, talking to myself alone in my kitchen.

Closing my laptop, I stared off into space, unsure of what to do with the information I had just received. I knew I would need to tell the girls eventually, but I wasn't certain I wanted them to actually see the video. Everything about Melissa's message was so personal and so honest; I couldn't quite bring myself to share that small part of my sister with anyone else just then.

I desperately wanted to call Emily, not even to talk about the video, just to have someone to talk to, but I still felt guilty and awkward about what had happened in The Brew earlier that day. There was no way for me to know if she would continue to interrogate me about my supposed "crush," and I wasn't certain I could handle that topic twice in one day.

On top of that, there was a distinct possibility that Ali had spilled my secret in the meantime. It had been hours since I sent her that antagonizing text, and I had heard absolutely nothing in return, which just served to make me insanely nervous.

Still, I needed to talk to someone. So I pulled out my phone and dialed my best friend's number, almost hanging up twice before I finally put the device to my ear and listened as it rang.

Emily picked up on the second ring.

"Hey, Spence, what's up? Is everything okay?" She asked quickly, her voice higher than usual with anxiety, making me feel even guiltier than before.

She had been worried about me.

"Hey, Em, not really. Melissa is gone, she left the country, and she sent me something from the airport…" I started, my voice shaky.

I had absolutely no control over the words coming out of my mouth.

Toby had been there when I got the package, had waited while I looked at its contents in the privacy of my room, had let me think over what it meant while we met up with Hanna and Caleb, and I still had no desire to give him any details about its contents. He had been wonderful and understanding and patient, but I absolutely did not want to share with him that piece of herself my sister had sent me.

With Emily though, everything was different. Even without thinking about it, I was ready to tell her everything, to give her everything.

"What do you mean she's gone and she sent you something? I thought she wanted you to go with her? Why did she leave so suddenly?" Em asked rapid-fire, sounding more and more frantic with every question she posed.

I needed her to calm down; I was close enough to a panic attack as it was.

"Emily, take a deep breath," I begged, waiting to hear her comply with my request before I continued. "She said my dad made her leave, but she couldn't go without telling me the truth. She said…"

My phone buzzed with an incoming message.

"What was that? Spencer? Is it A?"

She was freaking out again.

"It's an SOS text from Aria. She says we need to talk and she wants me to get you and Hanna to meet up with us… Why don't you come over here? I'll call Hanna and then we can head over to Aria's," I stated definitively, back to business as soon as I realized we might be in trouble, again.

"Okay, I'm on my way. But Spence, what about Melissa's message? What did she say?" Emily inquired stubbornly as I heard her keys jingling in the background.

I debated on what to do next, and finally decided that this was not the best topic to discuss over the phone.

It was going to have to wait.

"I'll explain when you get here, but I need to call Hanna. I'll see you in a minute."

I hung up without letting her continue, and did as I had promised, but Hanna's phone went to voicemail, which only served to make me more anxious.

Thankfully, Emily showed up within a matter of minutes, and I flung the door open as soon as I saw her shadow fall upon it. She looked at me for a moment after entering the kitchen, probably analyzing the tear tracks lining my cheeks and how red my eyes were from crying, and then threw her arms around me in a tight hug that encompassed my entire body.

"It's going to be okay, Spencer. I've got you."