"Lullaby"
by: Jessica
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Note: This is Emily's POV
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"and all the time
the truth is flashing in my mind
that when a heart gets broken
there's nothing you can do"
From "Lullaby" by David Gray
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I find her by the window.
She sits with her back turned, staring out into the dark night.
The moon makes it way across the dark sky outside the window.
I have found her there a lot lately, in that exact position.
Her face reflects the battle that is in play inside of her.
I stand in the doorway at first, afraid to enter her world.
I was never allowed into this room, this world, without knocking.
But that was years ago.
But I still feel that huge wall between us and even now as I stand
there I can feel myself bow down in front of it.
So I stand there, afraid to move.
"Lorelai, dinner is ready. It has been ready for almost ten minutes."
I know that I sound harsh.
But I don't know how to speak to her anymore.
I never did.
She turns around, slowly, and our eyes meet.
I wish I could read what she was thinking.
But I never could.
"Oh, I didn't.."
"Dinner is on the table and you know how mad Magda gets if she has to
wait..."
"I know."
She doesn't move.
I know that I should go.
I can see in her eyes that I overstayed my welcome.
She has raised that wall again, the one I have no idea how to break through.
So I stand there like a fool waiting for her to be the first one
to move.
"I'll come down in a minute..."
I should settle with that answer and be on my way.
I turn to leave.
To go back to how things were, how it always been between us.
Worlds apart.
I stop and turn around towards her.
She has settled back into her routine of staring out the window.
She looks so lonely.
Like the light she carried inside of her had faded away.
"Lorelai..."
I move towards her.
It's the mother inside of me that makes my legs move.
She doesn't move.
Her voice is barely a whisper as she speaks:
"Leave me alone, okay."
"I can't do that."
I stop and stand just an arm's length away from her.
She sits with her back turned to me.
All I have to do is a reach out a hand and touch her.
To let her know that I'm still her mother.
But I stand there like a fool, keeping my hands at my side.
"Come down to dinner.."
"I will. I just.."
"You can't just sit up here forever."
"I know.."
"Then come down."
She reacts fast.
And she raises her shields.
I can almost see it.
She rises and our eyes meet.
"I said I would! Just give me a sec."
"I was just. You don't have to raise your voice at me Lorelai."
"I wasn't."
I can see her soothe away the fire inside of her and settle into
that blank expression that has become a part of her these days.
It's been almost a week since she came running back to me, to us.
I never questioned it.
I welcomed her back with open arms, because that was the only way
I could help her now.
She sits back down and turns away from me.
I'm back where I belong, left outside.
So I do what I have become a master of, I surrender and turn away.
I start to leave.
Maybe she needs time, and then she will come to me.
But I know that I'm lying to myself.
She will never come to me.
She never did.
"I think something is wrong with me."
Her voice reaches me when I'm at the door.
I turn.
A simple sentence.
A hand that reaches out for help.
To pull her up.
At least to try to pull her up onto dry land.
Because she is slowly drowning.
"Lorelai.."
I start to move towards her again.
My heart is beating like crazy in my chest.
"It feels like I can't breathe anymore."
Her voice trembles a bit as she speaks.
My legs feel weak as I sit down in the chair beside her.
She sits with her face turned towards the window.
I want to touch her, hold her hand, just to let her know that I'm here.
"I'm so tired. I can't cry anymore. I feel so empty inside. All I
want to do is wither up and die. What's the point anymore? What's the
point with anything?"
"You have to hang on. It will get better. I promise."
My words seem so small.
So simple.
She turns towards me and our eyes meet.
Her eyes are dark, two dark pools.
"When will it 'get better'? When? Tomorrow? A week from now? When?
It's been almost a year now and it still feels like it was yesterday."
"I don't know. But you have to believe."
"Believe? Believe in what? What have I left to believe in? What? Nothing."
"You have us. Your family and your friends. You have the inn. You have
all the plans you made, the life you made..."
"Don't you understand? I don't care about that anymore. It's nothing
to me without her. Can't you see that?"
"So you will just give up then? Fine."
I rise.
Anger fills me.
Anger towards her for giving up like that.
"That's just like you, Lorelai. When it gets tough Lorelai Gilmore
runs away. Fine, have it your way..."
"It's not like that."
She rises.
Her voice is harsh as she speaks.
"YOU KNOW NOTHING!"
"I know nothing? I know nothing? HA! You think you are the only one
that has lost a child in this room. Because you are so wrong."
"Mom."
"Maybe I didn't lose you physically, but that doesn't take away the pain."
"Mom, I didn't.."
She moves towards me.
But I move away.
"You talk about loss like I know nothing. Don't you think it was hard
for me to watch you slowly slip away from me and I couldn't do anything.
You hated me so much that you ran away from me and you didn't even
reach out for help. For God's sake you'd rather take help from strangers
than let me help you. And now you speak about that I know nothing.
Damn you, Lorelai. Damn you."
"Mom, please..."
"I lost her too, Lorelai. I lost her too. She was the only way I could
reach you. I had to buy my way back into your life, like some...Oh,
I don't know....You shut me out a long time ago and now you come here
and you expect me to not react. To let you be. How can you think
that I'm so cold?"
"I wasn't."
"You think that I'm so cold that I wouldn't even want to help you?"
"I know you do."
"We lost her, Lorelai. WE lost her. Everyone that loved her. Not only
you. And we are all hurting. But we are still standing. We have to
keep breathing, otherwise...I don't know...She is gone and we can't
get her back."
"You think there isn't a single moment in my life when I don't
realize that? She was the only one that was truly mine. I never
get to hold her again...Talk to her.."
She is crying now.
I move towards her.
"I know. I know. But you have to hold on. You have to find a way
out of this."
She is close now.
She doesn't move away as I touch her hand.
She surrenders with a sigh and wraps her arms around me.
I welcome the feel of her in my arms.
It's like music to my frozen heart.
It's been too long since I got to hold her.
"I don't know if I can. And that scares me."
"Let me help you. Please, let me help you."
"It feels like I'm dying."
"I know."
We stood like that.
Her crying on my shoulder and I holding on to her for dear life.
It felt like if I let go, even for a second then I would lose her
again.
And I don't think my heart can take that.
I don't know what the future will have in store for us.
But I have to believe that we will find a way back to whole again.
And this time I will not let go.
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