I know it has been a LONG time but I finally got a break and a little inspiration. I might be a little rusty so let me know what you think.
Chapter 11
"Rylie, when I saw all that blood back at the station, I thought I was going to die. All that kept going through my mind was that I couldn't leave you; you would have no other family." She said holding onto her hand tight as she cried. " I isolated you from everyone by moving to California because I thought it was the right decision. I thought it was to prevent you from getting hurt, but when I realized that if I died you would be completely alone- with no blood family I knew that I had done it because I was selfish."
"You can't leave me mom. It's supposed to be you, me and peanut." Riley said tearing up.
"Riley, I never want you to be alone again. That's why I need to tell you who your father is."
"It doesn't matter anymore Mom, I have all I need- you and the baby."
"Yes, it does. I should have told you this story a long time ago but I was too scared and too much of a coward to face up to my mistakes. I was selfish and you deserve to know."
"When I was 21 I joined the force and started working with SVU because that was my passion. I lived for my job. About two years later I was promoted to detective and was assigned a new partner. His name was Elliot Stabler."
"Stabler."
"Yes, Stabler. We worked together for a couple months and then we started dating. We had to keep it a secret because as partners we were not allowed to be in a relationship- it could have cost us our jobs. It was going well until I found out I was pregnant with you. At the time it looked like the biggest mistake I had ever made but it turned out to be the biggest blessing I ever received."
"So what happened?"
"So I showed up at his apartment to tell him that I was pregnant and a woman answered the door who introduced herself as Elliot's wife. She had a baby on her hip and a little girl tugging on her shirt. I walked away; I didn't even see him that day. The next day I went to Captain and told him what we had done but not that I was pregnant. He called us both into the room and reprimanded us, saying that internal affairs could have taken our badges away. He told Elliot that he had to transfer units or else he would personally call IA for us. He stormed out of the office angry and hurt by what I had done. He told me that I didn't have to tell Cragen if I wanted to end our relationship."
"You put both your jobs in jeopardy, Mom!" Riley said.
"I was confused and, I didn't know what to do. I wanted him out of my life and I figured the easiest way to do that would be for one of us to transfer. Later that day Elliot showed up to my apartment banging on my door. We had an argument and I told him how I knew about his wife and his kids. He told me that I needed to stop jumping to conclusions and that they were getting divorced. He was so angry, I could see the veins popping out of his neck. In anger I yelled at him, telling him about how he had gotten me pregnant. After sitting in silence for a minute he punched my wall a couple times and slammed the door as he left. I had never felt so alone. We were both too stubborn to call each other and talk about it."
"So what did you guys do?"
"We were young and stupid and scared." She replied. "He came with me to my first appointment. Turned out that Elliot's wife and I had the same OBGYN and they had met many times. It was really awkward and he pretended not to be your father even though it was blatantly obvious."
"When Dr. B showed us our baby on the monitor, I was so scared and he looked even more petrified. This was supposed to be a happy experience but the looks on our faces were anything but. From the moment I heard your heartbeat, I didn't think I was strong enough to be your mom. I couldn't be a mother, I was a cop; my apartment was completely bare. I had the means but I was still a kid. Elliot already had a wife and kids and he knew that his wife would make it difficult for him to be their father to his other kids if he was with me. After the appointment we didn't talk for a couple weeks after that."
"So did he come with you to the rest of your appointments?"
"No, I went to the next appointment alone and told Dr. Benjamin the truth about Elliot and I and the situation. She told me I still had options but I knew I could never go through with an abortion, so she told me about this great adoption agency to check out and that I they could find me a great family for you."
"What! You were going to give me up for adoption!"
"Well you are here with me now, aren't you? Anyway, Elliot showed up a couple weeks later and told me that he had gone back to his wife and even told her about our baby. He said that she forgave him and that he would do the honorable thing and would help to take care of you, but I told him that the problem had been taken care of. He assumed I had had an abortion and screamed at me, calling me a whore for doing such an unspeakable thing. He told me that he would never forgive me and that I would burn in hell. I stood there and did not correct him; I let him assume the worst."
"Mom! I know he said some really bad things but I can't believe you would do such a horrible thing! You told me that he hurt you, I was on your side but hearing you story, I don't know what to think anymore."
"But Riley he did hurt me, he went back to her and left me with no choice."
"You had a choice and you did what you wanted."
"I did it for you and for me. You don't have to make me feel guiltier than I already do. I have beat my self up about it your entire life but I was afraid that if he knew my plans to give you up for adoption that he and his wife would try to take you. I knew that if they did you would never have a mother to love you. What woman can love their husband's child from another woman?"
"I kind of get it but that was still not nice, you lied to him about my entire existence. Did he at least get to hold me or see me when I was a baby?"
"No, after he left that day, it was the last time I saw him until a couple weeks ago."
"Mom, that is terrible, you stole 14 years of his life with me."
"I know I admit it was selfish and terrible but I thought I was going to give you up for adoption anyway." She explained. "For the next 7½ months I met with adoptive parents and had picked out a perfect couple. I was ready to give you up when you were born, so that you would have a great life with two parents and lots of family to love you."
"How could you have even thought about that?"
"Riley even going to the agency was a mistake but I fixed it before I made an even bigger one."
"You bet it was. I could have been raised by crazier people than you."
"I wanted better than I thought I could provide for you. I never grew up with a father and that is the one thing I wanted for you. I knew you weren't going to get that from Elliot so the next best option seemed like adoption. I wasn't even supposed to see you when you were born but if it weren't for you crazy Aunt Casey you might have had a different life."
"Aunt Casey?" Riley asked.
"Yea, I was 9 months pregnant and was driving everyone absolutely mad. I was achy all over with a huge heavy belly and swollen ankles. I did not spare anyone with the knowledge of how uncomfortable I was. One afternoon, Casey dragged me out the house and told me to shut up and get in the car. We drove out to Long Island just to get away from the city for a couple hours and focus on something else besides your impending birth. Casey thought it was a good idea until she realized she had doomed herself into two straight hours of my pregnant hormonal agony."
"You better not be that annoying when you are nine months pregnant with peanut." Riley replied with a smirk.
"After about an hour we pulled up at a cute little Italian Bistro. Casey finally lost it and screamed at me for being annoying. When I burst into tears she realized that I was just tired. We got out for lunch and I was in so much pain which I had attributed for sitting in the car so long. The waitress noticed my discomfort and suggested a walk on the beach, which was only two minutes away. Casey and I walked along the beach for a while and looked out onto the purple and orange sunset that looked straight out of a painting; we stood in the water and talked about how beautiful you were going to be. As we were walking back to the car I suddenly felt liquid making its way down my legs and onto the sand. A painful contraction took a hold of me and stopped me in my tracks. I then realized that the pain I had been feeling all day was contractions."
"Aunt Casey must have been so scared."
"She was but she didn't panic. With directions from the waitress we made our way to the closest hospital. You were coming so fast and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I kept screaming, "this is not how it was supposed to be!" Within an hour you were born, Dr. B had made it right in time for your delivery and after she left the nurses at the hospital who had no idea of my intent to give you up for adoption brought you to me without hesitation. They handed me my beautiful bald baby girl with the biggest blue eyes. From the moment I held you I couldn't let you go. You were mine."
She pulled her daughter and gave her a kiss.
"I told Casey that I couldn't possibly give you up. My mother was raped by a man she never knew when she conceived me and she still kept me, how could I give you up when you were conceived with a man that I loved. No matter how much I hated Elliot for going back to his wife I knew at that moment he gave me the greatest gift any man can give a woman."
"Wait, so how did I end up with the last name Stabler?"
"Well I had to put his name down under father on your birth certificate and the nurse assumed that his last name was going to be yours. When it came in the mail I had it changed to Benson."
" If he wasn't around why did we end up moving to California?"
"Everyone at 1-6 figured that Elliot had bailed on me when I told him I was pregnant, but I told them that I was giving you up for adoption and I didn't want him around. After I had you and kept you, I made everyone promise that they would not say a word about you to him because I didn't want to be a home wreaker. We were a pretty close family back then and everyone agreed it was for the best. Elliot had been banned from working at SVU as long as I was there but a couple weeks after your first birthday, he had applied for a transfer back to SVU, Cragen had told him absolutely not and that as long as he was captain of SVU he would never have a job there again; which is why I was surprised to see him a few weeks ago, but I guess Cragen figured that I was never going to come back. When he threatened to go above him to get his job back Captain warned me. He said that Elliot had a strong case since we no longer were in a relationship and we did not have the baby, well so he thought. The moment I found out that he was fighting for his job at SVU I ran, I packed us up and begged Casey to come with me and we ran."
"Wait, so you are telling me that you have been working feet away from him for over a month and you didn't think it was important to tell me or him about each other?"
"Riley, I know what I did was wrong but I realized how bad it really was today. Please give me some time to make this up to you and him."
"So what do you know about him now?"
"Well Fin and Kim told me that after I left he came back to SVU the next year. When he came back his wife was pregnant with twins, a boy and a girl, and that they had another baby boy 4 years ago."
"I have brothers and sisters." Riley said excitedly.
"I guess so and your gonna have another one in a couple months."
"Do you still love him Mom?"
"No baby. If you didn't notice I am 5 ½ months pregnant with Chris's baby. I think I moved on a long time ago. He chose his wife 14 years ago and, yeah, I moved on."
"Ok, so when are you going to introduce me to him and my half brothers and sisters?"
"Wow, slow your role lady. Riley, can we just focus on us right now and not bringing him and his family into this yet, at least until I'm out of the hospital."
"I really didn't mean what I said about calling Chris to tell him about the baby. I would never do that but since you realized you made a mistake with how you handled me don't make the same mistake again. You have to call him."
"I know."
"Ok mom, I'm happy that I know the truth and I'm sorry for disappointing you today."
"It's ok, as long as we are together everything will be fine.
