Author's Note:
Thank you to all who left a review! You guys are amazing as always. Again, some material that you recognize in the chapter is directly taken from the show including dialogue, cases, and situations. I own nothing and make no profit from the story. Thank you again to all who left a review!
ALL ERRORS ARE MY OWN! I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE!
Thanks,
H4TH
Part X
"…'Cause this house don't feel like home
If you love me, don't let go
Whoa, if you love me, don't let go
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady…"
~ "Unsteady" – X-Ambassadors
March 14, 2015…
Elia was exhausted, but she sat on the exam table in the doctor's office.
It had been one week since she'd taken the pregnancy test and it was positive. In seven days, she hadn't been able to wrap her head around the fact that she was possibly pregnant. The morning sickness that she'd been preparing for had finally arrived the day before and she'd found herself surprisingly sick after dinner, not in the morning like the name suggested. A queasy feeling had settled over her and she hadn't been able to shake it since. It had only been two days of the sickness, but she was already over it. Smells that had never bothered her before seemed intolerable. Barba had been making coffee that morning and she'd almost puked from the smell of it. He'd been on the phone the whole time with Olivia talking about a case, completely unaware, but Elia was certain that Abuelita was on to her.
Shifting uncomfortably on the table, she sighed and did her best to relax. Nothing was certain, she told herself, maybe she wasn't pregnant. It was possible that her body was just starting menopause really early. It had happened to her mother and Elia couldn't decide which thought was worse.
Pregnancy or early menopause...
The outcome of the conversation she and Rossi were going to have would be uncomfortable. No amount of mental preparation was going to prepare her for what was coming. Her phone rang in her bag and Elia reached for it. Pulling it out, she swallowed the lump in her chest that had formed. A picture of her and Rafael from their younger days appeared on the screen along with his name. Quickly sending him to voicemail, she was surprised when he texted her moments later.
Abuelita said you're at the doctor's office. Is everything alright? You looked ill this morning.
Staring down at the screen, Elia wasn't sure what to say. Damn, Abuelita…the old woman was like a blood hound on the hunt some days and she couldn't take it. Rafael texted her moments later with a question mark and she bit her bottom lip.
I'm waiting to see the doctor! Don't you have work to do? You were on the phone all morning with Benson talking about the gang rape of some teenage girl. YOU RUINED MY BREAKFAST.
Her response sounded slightly bitchy, but that was how she felt. Annoyed, irate, tired, and if one more person asked her if she was okay, Elia was going to commit murder. Just as she was about to send a second message to Barba warning him to leave her alone, there was knock on the door. She called for the doctor to enter and Rossi, a woman in her late forties, poked her head around the door with a smile on her face.
"Hello," she smiled. "We got the blood work back."
"And?" Elia demanded feeling like she was on pins and needles.
Doctor Rossi's smile grew, "You're pregnant, Elia. Congratulations!"
"No, that's not...possible."
"I did the test twice myself," Rossi assured her as she sat down on a stool and set the chart on the small counter next to the sink.
Elia gave a nervous laugh and shook her head in denial, "You must have mixed my test results with someone else's results."
"There is another way to confirm," Rossi said and ten minutes later, Elia was getting a transvaginal ultrasound. It was slightly uncomfortable and she felt like a trapped animal in a cage.
"I'm pretty sure that I didn't mix up your uterus with another," Rossi said confidently and turned the screen so Elia could look at it. Shock coursed through her veins and she was thankful that she was lying down. She felt lightheaded and her stomach twisted into a bundle of anxiety. She wanted to half convince herself that she was still in bed and this was all a dream, but the evidence that Rossi had presented her with was overwhelming her.
"You were convinced it could never happen," Elia finally said in a shaky voice. "You said…"
"I guess I was wrong," the doctor said with a smile. "You are definitely pregnant."
Elia stared at her with evident shock and Rossi's smile disappeared.
"Elia, this wasn't planned, was it?"
"No," she answered in a shaky voice. "I, uh, I'm not…"
"There are other options," Rossi said quietly. "I'm sorry for being cheerful when you're facing a crisis. You talked about wanting children before and I simply thought that this would make you happy. Let's talk about your options for this pregnancy."
Elia didn't care that it was late and her body was begging for sleep.
The manila envelopes were spread out in front of her on the coffee table and she was desperately trying to decide how to tell Rafael about what had been happening. She couldn't put it off any longer. If she didn't reach out and tell him than he'd find out some other way and it would be a disaster. Covering her face with her hands, Elia told herself that it was okay to feel anxious. She rarely went to Rafael with a problem and now, she had two very big, overwhelming problems that she needed help with. One wanted to kill her and the other felt like it was sucking up any sleep that she secured.
Hearing movement, Elia realized that he was home and quickly stuffed the manila envelopes under the couch cushion. Hugging her arms around her, she stood in the center of their living room. She didn't care that the TV was on and that it was almost eleven o'clock on a Friday night. She really didn't care that Barba was hours late. He was standing in their foyer, stripping off his heavy outer jacket with a frown on his face. She had to tell him about Charles. He'd threatened her life and she believed every word that he'd said.
"I thought that you'd be asleep," he said. "Where's Abuelita?"
"Sleeping," Elia replied softly. "I was waiting up for you."
Barba frowned, "You should have called. I would have come earlier. I was just at the office going over a case with my interns."
He went into the kitchen and she could hear him opening a cupboard. She figured that he was getting a glass of scotch and for the first time she actually thought about the fact that someday, they'd have a teenager that they'd have to hide their alcohol from and she felt a lump growing just above her heart.
They were not ready to be parents.
In theory, everything seemed perfect. Now that reality was rearing its ugly head, Elia wasn't confident at all. In fact, she was scared to death at the thought of having a child. Things between them were so strained that it seemed almost unreal.
Barba looked at her with a raised brow, "You waited up for me?"
"I was worried that you wouldn't be coming home. The news said that there was a snow storm on the way and I just wanted to be sure before I went to bed."
She was a coward and she wanted to smack the back of her head. Quickly saying goodnight, Elia retreated up to the spare bedroom and stared up at the ceiling. Sleep eluded her the rest of the night.
March 17, 2015…
"Three suspects positively identified by the victim, prints all over the scene, DNA matches to the rape kit. All three with priors and known gang affiliations, I don't see what the problem is," Barba said as he stood in the middle of the squad room with his hands in his pockets. In the back of his mind, he was still processing Elia's pale face earlier in the morning. She'd looked positively exhausted and Abuelita had openly commented on how tired she looked. All Elia had done was smile and gave an excuse about tossing and turning all night before leaving. Barba had no way to back her story. Five minutes alone in Abuelita's company and the old woman had concluded that they were again sleeping in separate bedrooms.
"Perps are claiming she wanted it," Fin told him as he leaned back in his chair. Barba mental shook himself and forced himself to concentrate at the case that was being present before him.
"What else is new?" Barba asked with a skeptical look on his face. "Am I missing something?"
"The victim may be unwilling to testify," Olivia explained quietly. "Avery is traumatized. She experienced involuntary orgasm during the rape."
"I can get half-dozen experts to testify that doesn't mean consent."
"She's afraid that the defense is gonna ask about it," Rollins interjected. "I can't say that I blame her."
"Change her mind," he commanded. "Get the boyfriend to back up her story."
Barba listened as the team when on to describe Manny's association with BX9 and all the reasons why it wasn't possible that the boy would back up his girlfriend's story about the gang rape. Fin presented his theory as to why the rape happened in the first place and Barba hoped that by finding out what the real motive for the gang rape was, it would give his case more ammunition and rely less on Avery's witness testimony. Barba didn't want to hear the Romeo and Juliet sob story that was unfolding. It was annoying and it got in the way of building a strong case.
"I'll walk you out," Olivia announced after the conference was over. Barba didn't say anything, but followed her to the elevator. She hit the button and the doors opened automatically. Stepping inside, she hit the button for the main floor and the doors closed.
"I was hoping that you'd let Elia talk to Avery," Olivia said without preamble. "I have this feeling that when Rollins takes Avery to talk to Manny tomorrow morning that things aren't going to go well and I just think that having Elia there as support, as someone who is not involved with the case, will help. Avery won't feel like Elia is investigating her or anything like that."
Barba bobbed his head a few times as he considered the request, "The defense might exploit Elia's involvement."
"What can they exploit?" Olivia demanded. "A therapist talking to a traumatized teenage girl who has been brutally gang raped. Tell the court that we went to Elia because it was a transitional care move to prevent Avery from possibly being recognized and harassed by BX9 members in public. Tell them that we felt that it was the safest option for Avery while we arranged care for her."
"I'll talk to Elia about it," he said quietly. "I'll let you know in the morning."
"Good, Rollins is taking Avery to see Manny at nine. Can you let me know by noon?"
Barba swiftly agreed as he stepped out of the elevator and left the building. Within an hour, he was at the Brownstone and in the kitchen pouring himself a tumbler of scotch. Rubbing the back of his neck, he loosened his tie and sat down on the couch. Turning the TV on, he went to the news channel and watched as some middle aged man in a horribly cut blue suit talked about the economic market.
The whole topic was depressing to watch, but he waited until the weather report for the week came before shutting the television off. Standing, he almost turned to leave the living room and find something to eat when a manila envelope wedged between two cushions caught his eye. It was barely visible, but he pulled it out halfway and saw that Elia's name was on the front of it. Curious to know what was inside, Barba debated with himself for a full minute before deciding that he had to know what it was. The afternoon when he'd told her about wanting children, he'd seen her with an envelope just like the one in his hands.
What could be inside that was so grave?
What had caused such a shift in her that day?
Standing up, Barba pulled up the couch cushion and found several manila envelopes tucked underneath. He pulled them out and he didn't care if he invaded Elia's privacy. His mind raced back to the night that she'd waited up for him and he wondered if this had been exactly what she wanted to talk to him about. Opening the first envelope, he froze seeing the pictures of her. In each one, she was oblivious to the fact that she was being photographed. A letter was inside the envelope and scanning it, he realized that it was not a love letter, but a letter from a stalker.
Quickly, Barba tore into each envelope and felt his anger rise. He wasn't certain who he was more furious with. Elia, for not telling him about this or Charles McGregor, for being a sick bastard and threatening his wife. The longer he looked at the pages, the angrier he became. She'd been angry at him for hiding his fears and she was hiding this from him? He told himself that she was probably frightened, but Barba found that he didn't care. She'd judged him, raged at him, she shut him out, and he felt all the patience that he kept telling himself to practice around her fade.
He'd tried following Abuelita's advice and things had gotten better, but Barba found that he didn't want to be the only one trying anymore. He couldn't keep living in a constant state of fighting with Elia and this, this was the damning truth before him. She didn't trust him and all the work that he'd been putting into trying to make his marriage work had been for nothing. Barba doubted that she'd even tell him if she'd been given a chance.
How could they be in a relationship when trust didn't exist?
She didn't trust him. He didn't trust her to be honest. Running a hand through his hair, Barba swung around when he heard the front door open. Heels were taken off, her coat was slipped off and she moved towards him through the archway between the hallway and the living room. Elia froze with wide eyes as she looked at what he was holding.
"Where'd you get that?" she breathed, worry etched across her face.
"I think you forgot it under a couch cushion," Barba spat as his anger boiled over. He slipped one of his hands into his pocket and couldn't contain himself. "Why didn't you tell about this? Is this all that the bastard has sent you?"
"That's all," she answered truthfully as she walked through the living room and sat down in one of the chairs at the end of the table. Barba glared at her, feeling heat rising in his body. She brushed the whole thing off casually as if they were talking about the weather and it infuriated him even more.
"And you didn't think that you should tell me the first time he wrote the letter?" he demanded angrily as he walked towards her, the manila envelopes and their contents in his hand. "After all your righteous anger about me not tell you about my own fears? You've held that against me and you've been hiding this the whole time?"
"It's not the same and you know it," she said snarled back.
"It's exactly the same!" he shouted as he angrily tossed the envelopes on the kitchen table. The pictures and the letters slide across the polished wood and Elia shakily leaned back in the chair. She felt lightheaded and ill, but she shook her head at him.
"I didn't lie for seven years. It's only been a few months. If you wanna compare sins, mine isn't as horrible as yours," she accused cruelly with a sneer.
"It will always come back to that, won't it?" Barba demanded hotly. "You can't forgive me and you can't trust me!"
"I don't know how! I can't just wake up one morning and decide to do it."
"I said I was sorry! I've tried to make amends. I've tried to be a better husband to you—"
"I never asked you to do any of that! I didn't ask you to do that, you chose to do that. What? Do you think that if you do a few loads of laundry and kiss my cheek that I'll just forget that you lied?" she asked with a frustrated expression on her face.
"The man threatened you!" Barba yelled. "It doesn't matter if you're angry at me, you should have said something! He could have come after Abuelita and what then, Elia? What if he comes after you?"
"He won't," she defended.
"In a matter of weeks, he's gone from writing a pathetic love letter to threatening to kill you. Didn't you think that it was important to tell me? You told me that you couldn't trust me. How the hell can I trust you?"
"Rafael—"
"You're a damn hypocrite, Elia, the biggest one that I know. Maybe…maybe you're right," Barba said quietly as he sat down at the opposite end of the table. "Maybe we can't past this because I can't measure up to the damn near impossible standards that you have. I can't try and fix this because you won't let me in. You don't want to talk. You want to punish me for what I've done and keep your secrets. I can't live like that. How can I trust you and how can you trust me? You don't trust me after what happened and I don't trust that you really want to stay with me. You should call that lawyer you had retained earlier. Maybe divorce is our only choice. God knows that I've tried and that just isn't enough anymore. Call one of the SVU detectives in the morning about your problem, Elia. The last thing that I want to do is identify your body in a morgue downtown and plan a funeral."
Elia couldn't stop the tears that fell down her cheeks. She didn't know what to tell him. She couldn't speak. Barba twisted the silver wedding band on his finger for a minute, but he left it on. He stood up and left her alone in the dining room and she sat still for a moment. She watched as Barba crossed the living room and disappeared.
March 18, 2015…
Elia sat in the chair next to Fin's desk and she knew that she looked like hell. Between the morning sickness and being up all night crying in the laundry room because she'd refused to go upstairs where Barba could hear her, she was a mess. It was her day off and she'd decided that she'd follow Rafael's advice and go to the police. Fin was the person she was most comfortable with and she'd gone to him knowing that he'd be understanding and keep what was happening private.
Giving her statement had taken most of the morning and she'd brought the manila envelopes that Charles McGregor had left for her. She didn't want them in the house anymore. She couldn't look at them because they represented every horrible truth that she'd buried deep down.
Barba was right about her.
She was a hypocrite for lying to him about Charles when she was demanding nothing but his complete honesty. It was a double standard and she was deeply aware of her faults. The whole situation had been eating at her all night and she hadn't been able to sleep from the thoughts swirling around in her head.
"What convinced you to finally come in?" Fin asked with a slight frown on his face.
"Rafael found out about."
"You do know that there isn't much I can do. This stalker hasn't actually done anything physical to warrant a restraining order."
"I know, Fin," she said quietly. "I know."
He tossed the pen on the desk and leaned back in the chair, "You wanna tell me why you look tired as hell?"
"You don't look too good yourself."
"Long night with BX9 gang members, what's your excuse?"
"Crying in my laundry room because my marriage is finally beyond repair," Elia said as she propped her head up on the desk with her elbow and rested her fist under her jaw.
"There's no shame in admitting that it doesn't work. You and him tried to make it work. It just wasn't meant to be."
"When I was a little girl, I used to think that love was the only that a marriage needed, but it's just the framework. A marriage is a conversation and I don't want to stop the conversation with him. He's my best friend, Fin. He's…he's everything to me and it's just…I feel like I'm ripping my heart out of my chest and pouring acid inside me. All of this is happening because of stupid things."
Before Fin could reply, Olivia walked towards them with a slight frown on her face.
"Barba didn't tell me that you'd be here," she said as she came to stop in front of the desk. "He told me he'd call if you agreed."
"Agreed?" Elia asked with a confused expression on her face. "I'm lost, Olivia."
"Talking to Avery?"
Elia arched a brow at the newly minted Sergeant and Olivia quickly filled her in on what was happening. She told Elia about Manny's refusal to testify and brought her up to speed with everything that had happened to Avery. Roped into speaking with Avery, Elia nodded at Fin and he closed the file that he'd put together for her. Following Olivia towards her office, Elia paused when she spotted Barba walking into the precinct. His phone was pressed against his ear and he was barking out orders to one the interns that he had. He didn't even see her and it stung. It stung in ways that Elia didn't even know that could sting. Olivia called her name and Elia turned and looked at her, telling herself to focus.
"She's in my office," Olivia said. "I'll give you both all the time that you need. I have a meeting with Avery's parents and Barba."
Elia nodded before she knocked on the door to the office and heard a soft voice call out for her to enter. Opening the door, she slipped inside and smiled at the young girl.
"Hello, Avery. I'm Elia," she said softly to the young girl who was curled up on the couch, clearly distressed and crying. "Detective Benson said that she told you about me yesterday. She arranged for us to speak here privately. Nothing you say here leaves this room."
Avery gave a curt nod and pressed the tissue to her nose.
"She also told me that you went and saw Manny today," Elia continued. "I know that it probably wasn't an easy visit."
"Something is wrong with me," Avery said tearfully as she hugged a pillow to her chest. "Something is very wrong with me. Manny knows that and he won't testify in court about what they did to me."
"May I sit down?" Elia asked, gesturing to the other side of the couch. Avery nodded and wiped away her tears with the wadded up tissue. Slipping off her winter jacket, Elia sat down on the couch and tucked her legs under to mirror a more relaxed position in the hopes that it would let Avery see her as less threatening.
"Why do you think that there's something wrong with you?" Elia asked again.
"God, I didn't want it to happen, but everything…my body wouldn't stop shaking. Detective Benson said that I had normal physiological response, but I hate myself. I'm disgusting! Manny watched the whole thing and it's never happened with him and I love him."
"There is nothing wrong with your body, Avery. Just because you love someone does not mean that you will experience and orgasm every time. It's a reflex, Avery," she explained calmly. "It's like sneezing because you smell someone with too much perfume or being startled when you hear a loud noise. It's a reflex that happens. You can't control it sometimes. It doesn't mean that you're disgusting or that you enjoyed. What happened to you was not consensual and it wasn't desired. It was just a response that your body had."
"It never happened with Manny," she cried. "I love him and it has never happened with him."
"You know, I'm married, Avery. I love my husband, but it doesn't always happen with him," Elia admitted and swallowed hard, knowing that Barba was close by. "Sex is not the same like Hollywood would have people believe, Avery. Sex is not always simple and it's difficult sometimes. There are many women who are with a partner that they love and don't experience an orgasm. Just because it didn't happen with Manny doesn't mean to there is something wrong with you. It happens as a reflex to stimulation regardless of what we want. What happened to you was a reflex and you didn't want to happen, but like sneezing when someone has too much perfume on, you couldn't stop it. You're not disgusting. You're human and while our bodies are capable of amazing things, they don't always cooperate with our minds."
Avery nodded, but Elia doubted that she believed anything that she said.
"You can talk about anything you want. We can begin to work through this," Elia told her. "This time that Benson gave us, it's your time, Avery. We can talk about whatever you want. You can talk, I'll listen. I won't say a word, if that's what you want. In fact, we don't have to talk at all, but I want you to know that no matter what happens, there is nothing wrong with you."
Avery nodded again and hugged the pillow tightly to her chest. The young girl looked terrified and she began to cry, telling Elia that her parents blamed Manny for what had happened. Avery's words were came out so quick that Elia had a hard time keeping up. At the end of their time, Elia quietly pulled Olivia aside. She didn't break confidentiality, but Elia recommended to Olivia that Avery be admitted to a hospital quickly and quietly. The last thing anyone wanted was for a Romeo and Juliet senerio playing out between Manny and Avery should something trigger either teen.
March 21, 2015…
Elia panted as she stopped outside the brownstone. She'd gone running, but her mind didn't feel the pleasant release that she experienced afterward. She griped the black wrought iron fencing that protected the bushes around the porch. Leaning over slightly, she listened to Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell coming through the ear buds.
…Remember the day I set you free! I told you. You could always count on me, darling. From that day on, I made a vow. I'll be there when you want me, some way, somehow. Oh, baby there ain't no mountain high enough. Ain't no valley low enough, ain't no river wide enough to keep me from getting to you, babe. Oh no, darling! No wind, no rain…
Yanking the ear buds out, Elia stood up straight and sat down on the steps of the porch.
Manny was dead, Avery was inconsolable, but the case would go to trial and justice would be done. Both had different options, but the outcome was too horrific for words. Two lives were destroyed and Elia wondered how long it would take Avery to get over her loss. In her mind, Manny had died thinking that she didn't love him. No matter how much those around her had tried to convince her that Manny knew that she loved him, Avery wouldn't listen. Her parents had taken her to the hospital and she was currently on suicide watch in a private room where she'd be able to process and grieve over her loss.
Elia tried to focus on Manny and Avery, but none of those thoughts could ease the anxiety that she felt inside. Rossi's words in her head about options kept coming back and she wondered if it would be best to just go with one of those options. It was an ironic situation, she thought as she entered the house and walked up the steps to the master bathroom and turned the shower on.
Everyone had options and made their own choices even if it meant horrible consequences. Manny had loved Avery enough to testify and ultimately died for her. That had been his choice and Avery had chosen to love him, despite everything that had happened. Two people who loved each other passionately, but Elia couldn't help but to wonder if love was enough to sustain a union. A person needed more than just love to live. They needed support, trust, communication…
Standing under the hot water, Elia closed her eyes. She felt foolish for not telling Rafael about Charles McGregor from the very start. She wanted to blame him for her actions, she realized painfully. She wanted to say that she'd grown so used to him being preoccupied with other matters that he'd brush the whole matter off, but it sounded like a hollow excuse to her. No, the real reason that she hadn't gone to him wasn't because it was his fault.
It was her fault.
She'd closed herself off from him and he couldn't be blamed for that. It took two people to make a relationship work and the faults and burdens were divided equally between them. He drifted away and she'd closed herself off from him. She couldn't pin point when it had happened, but it had. There was no point in placing blame. That was a truth that Rafael had already realized and accepted. In the past, she may have realized it, but until that moment she hadn't accepted it.
Accepting that truth, Elia could see that the gestures he had made weren't apologizes. He'd already given that to her repeatedly. Instead, the laundry, greeting her and Abueltia, coming home on time…those things were laying a foundation for a bridge of trust. A bridge that was meant to form between them and by hiding the truth about Charles, she'd taken a sledge hammer to the work that he'd accomplished. Rafael had done his best to make it easier for her to open up to him and instead of using those opportunities, she'd let them float by without care. She'd had plenty of moments to show him, to confide in him what was happening and she hadn't. The tables were reversed and she couldn't help but to wonder if he'd felt as hopeless as she did keeping his fears to himself.
All the anger that she'd felt towards him left her and it was replaced by something else entirely. Elia felt the overwhelming urge to hug him. He'd punished himself for years over a false idea. Putting herself in his position, she could only imagine the fear he felt in the unknown. Her anger was justified, but when he needed to talk about the situation and how he felt, she'd shut down. Instead of showing love and support, she thrown her feelings of distrust in his face and had been angry. Worse, she was a hypocrite. She'd accused him of hiding secrets when she'd been hiding her own. She'd judged him so harshly and never in her life had she felt more ashamed.
Now, the situation was worse and she didn't know how to fix it. Their marriage probably would never be fixed and Elia swallowed the hard lump forming in her chest. Her hand drifted over her body before coming to rest on her lower abdomen. She'd wanted a child for so long, she'd fixated on it and grown resentful of others, but she hadn't seen the situation of her marriage like she was seeing the situation now.
Was it right to have a child?
She thought about Rossi's options and her vision blurred with tears. Everything was wrong and having a child wouldn't fix what was wrong between them. In fact, Elia imagined it might do the opposite. Even though Rafael had said that he did want children after he told her otherwise, Elia imagined that now he'd feel trapped after finally caving into her earlier demands. He'd wanted to contact the divorce lawyer again and a baby would only make him feel obligated to stay. Moving her hand away from her abdomen, she rubbed the back of her neck. Every muscle in her body felt tense and she felt so shaky. Her mind was so muddled that no thoughts seemed to make sense. It felt like everything was wrong and nothing was right.
Maybe it was best that she have a termination…
A child would only complicate an already complex situation, but she couldn't decide this on her own. After everything that had happened, she couldn't hurt Rafael and keep him in the dark. Lying about Charles McGregor had sent him off the deep end, Elia could only imagine what he'd say or do if she attempted to hide a pregnancy. In fact, she didn't want to keep him in the dark or try to hide anything from him. For the first time in a very long time, she didn't want to feel alone. She didn't want to feel like she was facing the world alone.
Turning off the water, Elia dried herself and changed into comfortable lounge clothes. She'd call the doctor's office in the morning and make an appointment, but she had to tell him. The urge was overwhelming. There could be no more secrets between them. Elia would tell him that she thought that a termination was the best solution. She didn't know what she'd say afterwards. She didn't even know if Rafael would care or say anything after. French braiding her hair and securing it, Elia crept out of the bedroom and down to Abuelita's rooms. Cracking the door open and glancing in, she spotted the old woman asleep in bed and closed the door.
Letting out a sigh, she considered it a good thing that Abuelita wouldn't hear their conversation. The old woman was devoted to the Catholic faith and Elia could only imagine the hell storm the woman would create if she found out what they'd be talking about. Abuelita would call the pregnancy a blessing, Elia would call it poorly timed sex, and she didn't know what Rafael would call it. Elia passed the cat sleeping in the small nook near the door directly below a heater and shook her head.
Going to Barba's home office she knocked before opening the door. He looked up at her briefly before looking back down at the pile of papers that were spread out in front of him. He didn't say anything and she could feel the anger radiating off of him. Any courage that she'd built up left her as she stood in the middle of the room, hoping that he'd do something, anything. She didn't feel like she had the strength to tell him that she thought that getting an abortion was the best option for them. It had all seemed so logical upstairs in the shower. Now that she was actually prepared to tell him, the ability to speak didn't seem in her grasps.
She didn't want to utter the words aloud because a part of her desperately wanted to have a child and the other part of her said that she was going down a very complex road if she continued with the pregnancy that would led to long term emotional hurt and heartbreak. Everything seemed so impossible that she didn't know what to do and she recognized that being married to someone meant that it was alright to lean on them during the times of uncertainty and she need Rafael more than she realized.
Rafael looked up and cleared his throat, "Elia, I don't—"
"I'm pregnant," she interrupted as she hugged herself. "I, uh, I must crazy to say this, but I think that it would be best to have a termination, Rafael. We talking about dissolving our marriage and I don't see how having a child together is a good idea. You said that I don't talk to you, but this is me talking. This is my trusting and hoping to God that you have some love in your heart left to listen. I'm scared. I don't know what to do and I'm sorry. I know that what I did was wrong and I don't want secrets between us. You're right about not keeping them and we both have. I don't know where we went wrong, but I don't want to bring a child into the world with parents who are stuck in a constant cycle of teetering on the edge. I don't want that and I'm sorry that I lied and hid Charles McGregor from you. I'm so sorry, Raffi, and I hate myself for letting all of this happen. Please, I'm so sorry."
She didn't know what he'd say or do, but Elia hadn't expected her own tears. She hadn't expected to break down in front of him in a way that she hadn't broken down to the point of hyperventilating since the death of her brother. Her words sounded so incoherent to her own ears and she sobbed. Saying again and again how sorry she was for lying and keeping her own secrets. She hadn't kept her secrets for as long as he had, but it was still the same. She felt dizzy and her vision was blurry. Swaying on her feet, Elia hadn't expected his arms to wrap around her and hold her close.
"Take a deep breath, Elia," Barba said as he supported her. She tried to obey, but small black dots began to form and she felt lightheaded. The last thing that she remembered was Barba lowering her to the floor before she passed out.
LEAVE A REVIEW! LEAVE A REVIEW! LEAVE A REVIEW!
And Elia has the first panic attack...
This chapter, I didn't send out any previews and I'm so sorry! We have gotten super busy at work and I just didn't have a lot of time to spare. I'm so sorry. I also got distracted by posting a one-shot for Sons of Anarchy. If you're interested, just pop over to my author's page and it's there. Anyways, thank you again to all the lovely people who left a review! I know that there a lots of people reading and I'd love to hear from each and everyone of you:) So leave a quick comment whether it be good, bad, or ugly. Any feedback is always appreciated. It helps to develop a better story and plot.
I know that this whole fighting between Barba and Elia may feel old, but next chapter will be different. Barba knows that she's pregnant now and he knows about the stalker...more is will be on the way soon!
Thanks for reading!
Responses:
Hannah Guest: Thanks for the review! I'm so glad that you're enjoying the story! More is on the way!
Guest #1: Thank you so much for the review! I'm so happy that you like Elia. A big goal of mine was trying to fit her as easily into the world of Law and Order and I'm so glad that she meets your approval. You're right, it does take time to fix things, but I think that we are at a turning point for Elia and Rafael where they have to really focus and think not just about themselves, but about their future and what they want and need from each other. And you're so right! Honesty is a huge thing and Barba was really all about that this round. More is on the way!
Guest #2: Thanks for the review! YES! A BARBA BABY!
HannahRose: Thank you so much for your review! I'm so happy that you're enjoying the story. Hearing that you've been able to connect with Elia and Barba warms my heart so much because I really do think that you're right. I did set out on this journey hoping to create a marriage that wasn't perfect and had flaws with characters that are real. I've read so many stories where characters just don't seem human. I'm glad that both characters have achieved that human aspect that I was hoping to develop. I've enjoyed getting to write about Barba and Elia because they've become three dimensional characters with their own range of emotions. It's been so much fun getting to know each them better and I hope that you continue to enjoy their journey!
