[A/N] Thank you so much everyone for being patient. I am sorry for the delay because I have moved to another fandom, but I really love this story and Tojikari and I want to keep it going because we're so close to the ending. Thank you again for waiting. It truly means a lot to me.
Cris: Since you left such a lovely review on anon, I really wanted to reply to you. I'm so glad you like it! I remember when I realised how much I shipped this pairing but when I went to search for fanart and fics I was really disappointed at the lack of Tojikari in the fandom. I guess it's to be expected since it is such a minor pairing, but it's so beautiful and tragic and honestly I think a really magnificent and underappreciated part of Evangelion. The world is falling apart around them, and all Hikari is concerned with is eating lunch with her crush. It's truly sweet and heartwarming. So, when I realised it was unlikely more Tojikari fics would come, I decided to write my own. I really want to continue writing for Tojikari and I am still considering my other plots, even though I have switched to another fandom (it's impossible for me to settle in just one and I always move around, oops).
I hope this longer than usual chapter makes up for the wait, and I will try my best to post the next part within the next few weeks. Thanks for reading and being so patient with me!
MADE A GIRL CRY
CHAPTER TEN
"So, why do you wanna eat outside again?"
The afternoon sun beat against Hikari's face, bringing out the constellation of freckles adorning her cheeks as she leaned back on her hands. "It's just so nice out today. It would be a shame to stay cooped up inside the classroom."
Asuka studied the expression crossing Hikari's face, but soon accepted defeat when she realised Hikari wasn't letting up on her ambiguity.
Hikari rested her lunchbox on her lap, clasping her hands together as she continued, "Well, let's eat."
Asuka's lunch remained untouched as she watched Hikari through the corner of her eye, observing as the sun turned the chocolate in Hikari's irises into a warmer honey colour. The gleam and the bright smile tugging at the corners of Hikari's lips suited her. Her features were softer, different from the rigidness Hikari's role as the Class Representative often brought to her. Asuka just couldn't quite put a finger on why Hikari was shining. She could guess and assume, but, being Asuka, she wanted to prod Hikari and force it out of her.
Noticing Asuka wasn't joining her in eating her lunch, Hikari cocked her head to the side in confusion and inquired quizzically, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Asuka started to laugh, defiant that she would crack her best friend open in a matter of mere seconds. "You just seem really happy today."
Hikari rose a hand to her cheek, blanching when she realised she was holding the same cheek Toji had touched when kissing her the previous evening. Memories of his palm burning against her face returned to her immediately. She looked down at her lap through her eyelashes, embarrassed, "Do I?"
Asuka smirked. "It's Suzuhara, isn't it?"
Hikari's breath hitched in her throat and she shook her head vehemently. "N-No! Of course not!"
The blush tinting Hikari's cheeks a rosy pink told Asuka otherwise and she grinned, finally deciphering the ambiguous expression Hikari had been sporting all morning.
"Oh, come on," Asuka nudged Hikari's arm, the contact startling Hikari enough to let out an accidental gasp. "The only time you go all googly eyed is because of that hot-headed idiot."
Hikari was able to brush off Asuka's insulting of Toji, simply smiling as she remained lost in her daze. The memory of kissing Toji, her very first kiss ever, resembled almost every other fantasy Hikari had seen in daydreams. The only difference was that, on this occasion, Hikari could still feel her lips tingling, his warmth still wrapping around her like a blanket. His touch still lingered hours after they had parted, breaking the kiss with a mutual smile. Traces of him still remained all over Hikari, even in places where he had left untouched on her, and she hoped his presence would never fade away for as long as she lived.
Asuka waved her hand impatiently in front of Hikari's face. Hikari flinched, snapping out of the memory in which she had been so blissfully trapped, and tried to maintain that Toji was not the reason for the sunshine in Hikari's smile, "It's not about him, I swear!"
Both Hikari and Asuka knew she was lying.
It was obvious. Hikari was being more transparent than ever now, and Asuka saw right through her.
Deciding there was no use in hiding it from her best friend, Hikari spilled out all the emotions she had kept locked inside her heart, "Yesterday, after school… I found Toji on the rooftop."
She looked up to face the rooftop, prompting Asuka to do the same as she continued sharing the memory, the pictures playing out and dancing in her head, "We talked for a little while, and then… the next thing I knew, he was kissing me…"
As Hikari's face flushed into a bright red colour, Asuka's eyes widened.
Asuka couldn't help herself and she pretended to gag. "Yuck! Please tell me you threw up, or at least washed your mouth out with soap afterwards…"
Hikari chuckled, placing a hand over her chest to feel her heart pounding as she recapped the story that was starting to resemble a fairytale the more Hikari thought about it. In that moment, she had truly felt like a princess, Toji her prince charming in a tracksuit. It wasn't quite the shining armour Hikari had always envisioned, but she found the satin of his sweatpants and the musky scent of his cologne clinging to the fabric was worlds better than anything she could have imagined. His Osakan accent, while far from royal, was slowly becoming her favourite song.
"When I kissed Shinji, I had to gargle almost a whole bottle of mouthwash just to wash out the taste," Asuka's loud voice brought Hikari back to reality – as much as it begrudged her to return there. "I don't get how you can sit there so dazed and love-struck after experiencing something so traumatic."
"Maybe that's where you and I differ," Hikari smiled. Nothing could faze her. Nothing could rip Hikari away from Toji… not even Asuka's disbelief that she had not only kissed Toji Suzuhara, but enjoyed it. No, 'enjoyed' was an understatement. Hikari was basking in the moment her lips had met Toji's, wallowing in it until she was soaked, feeling nothing but Toji's lips on hers. The kiss may have only lasted a few short moments, but Hikari was adamant and determined she would hold onto it for an eternity.
Asuka twisted her mouth as she tried to search for a retort but, amazingly for her, nothing was coming out. Even if she did continue expressing her disgust, Hikari would only brush it off somehow. Besides, Asuka had to admit she was happy, seeing her best friend brimming with joy.
Finally, Asuka responded. "You know what this means though, right?"
Hikari pursed her lips. "What?"
A devious glint in Asuka's eyes caught Hikari's attention and, before Hikari could even breathe let alone protest, Asuka grabbed her by the wrist, pulling her up. Hikari's lunchbox fell from her lap, spilling its contents all over the bench and splattering on the courtyard, but Asuka hardly cared. To tell the truth, Hikari was starting to forget to care as well.
Asuka brought Hikari to the door leading to Class 2-A, releasing her tight grip on Hikari's wrist as she stared up at it from the hallway.
Out of breath from being dragged back into the building, Hikari panted, "W-Why are we here?"
Asuka turned to her, placing her hands on her hips confidently. "Because you're gonna tell Suzuhara how you feel, once and for all."
"W-What?" Hikari spluttered, almost choking on the air trapped in her throat as she stared at Asuka incredulously, her eyes wide and darting around the hallway. "I can't do that! Not now! Not in public!"
Hikari was struggling to push the words out, too flustered to string together fuller, more coherent sentences. Asuka tutted, accepting a compromise, "Fine. But you have to tell him after school. Deal?"
"But…" Hikari tried to protest, hanging her head as she whispered sadly, "But what if he doesn't like me back?"
Resignation flashed across Hikari's features and Asuka almost felt sympathetic. Almost. She was growing exhausted at witnessing Hikari tip-toeing around Toji and her blatant feelings for him.
Asuka lowered her voice, speaking as quietly as she could muster, "Of course he likes you back. Trust me, he wouldn't have kissed you if he didn't. Besides, if he rejected you…" Asuka silently raised her fist, and Hikari nodded in understanding, a smile creeping across her lips.
"Thanks, Asuka," Hikari said with sincerity. Asuka offered a quick smile in return before sliding the classroom door open and pushing a reluctant Hikari inside.
Naturally albeit absent-mindedly, Hikari scoured the classroom, finding it devoid of not only both Shinji and Kensuke, but Toji as well.
"Hey, Asuka?"
Asuka hummed in response, flicking her hair as she turned to where Hikari was staring to find three empty desks.
"Where do you think they are?"
As if summoned, Shinji and Kensuke entered the room together, instantly acknowledging the confusion on the two girls' faces.
Asuka noticed the two boys first, declaring, "Oh, here's two of the three stooges now."
Hikari turned to the door, watching as Shinji and Kensuke returned to their desks. She couldn't help the tiny ounce of disappointment that sunk down in the pit of her stomach when she realised Toji was not with either of them.
Unable to stop herself, worry nestling inside her system as she inquired, "Where's Toji?"
Kensuke raised an eyebrow at the sound of Hikari referring to Toji by his first name, but Shinji interrupted before Kensuke could question it.
"He was called to the principal's office," Shinji explained, looking around the classroom just as Hikari had done to find him still absent. "I guess he's not come back yet."
Hikari and Asuka shot a similar look at one another, one that Hikari intended to express concern, while Asuka was more so portraying confusion. Asuka shrugged, unsure of why Toji could have been beckoned to the principal's office.
"Do you know why?" Hikari found herself asking, trying to ignore the way Kensuke was glaring at her as if he was trying to piece together why she was suddenly becoming so involved in Toji's life. Hikari quickly added, "J-Just because I'm the Class Representative, and need to know things like that."
Kensuke shrugged. "Beats me."
He glanced over at Shinji, who shook his head. "I don't know either. Sorry."
Hikari nodded, finely combing through her memory as she tried to remember if Toji had done anything troublesome in the past few days. Nothing in particular sprung to mind, although maybe he had and she had just forgotten, the memory of any such incident potentially scattered in between his smile, so soft and delicate, his eyes, so expressive and beautiful, his accent, so grating and yet so melodious, his lips…
Hikari shook her head to combat the blush threatening to light up her cheeks, surprising the two boys who stared at her, then at one another, before deciding they didn't want to pry. At least, they didn't want to pry into Hikari's affairs, lest she bit their hands off for even daring. Kensuke and Shinji made a silent vow together to tease Toji all about it once he returned from the principal's office.
She took her seat at her own desk, deciding she would just wait until Toji returned. It was possible it could be nothing, or perhaps Toji's recent improvement in his grades had been noticed and the principal wanted to commend him on it. Hikari smiled to herself as she considered it, remembering the look on Toji's face when he received his test paper back. A seventy! A B grade! Toji had tried to downplay it, initially convinced that it was nothing to write home about, but after some prodding from Hikari, he admitted how happy he was and how he was going to tell Sakura all about it when he visited her in the hospital. Hikari couldn't wait to see Toji again and ask him how telling his little sister had gone.
She just had to wait.
"Thus, we, mankind, survived the hell on Earth called the Second Impact and rose again."
Now worry was really starting to settle in Hikari's system, dread eating away at her insides as she kept glancing over at Toji's empty desk. In her peripheral vision, she could see Shinji staring at it, the same concerned expression she was most certainly wearing mirrored on his face.
Lunch had ended almost half an hour ago. Class had already started.
Toji was nowhere to be seen.
"The number of children has been decreasing yearly…"
Hikari's heart drummed against her ribcage, the teacher's monotonous rambling blending into an incomprehensible, incessant buzzing in the background as she continued staring ahead at Toji's desk. She caught her laptop screen switching to black as she had neglected it for however many minutes she had spent in favour of anxiously watching the desk, but did nothing to bring it back to life as she continued to focus. Maybe if she concentrated hard enough, it would bring Toji back.
He had been in the office for too long to just be receiving a pat on the back, and he had been there too long to even be receiving a slap on the wrist. Hikari was running out of reasons as to why Toji would be needed for such a long time, both good and bad. At that point, she was so filled with worry that any excuse would probably alleviate her stress.
The sudden sound of the classroom door sliding open caused Hikari to jump in her desk, anxiety flowing through her blood as she turned with the rest of the class to see Toji striding into the room. Toji brought an aura of calmness with him – although it was only a temporary relief to Hikari's mind that had been so thickly clouded with concern - as he nonchalantly announced, "Sorry I'm late."
"I've already heard. Take your seat."
Toji obeyed, and Hikari watched with baited breath as he took his seat, staring ahead. He looked so vacant and empty. He had returned to the room, but it may as well have been like he was still gone.
"Come on, let's go home."
"What about Toji?"
Kensuke turned to gesture behind them, clutching his bag strap as he prepared to go home, "He'll be late. He's got class duty."
The two watched as Hikari circled Toji, the same expression on his face that he had been wearing ever since returning to the classroom. Kensuke grinned, assuming he must have received a brutally harsh grilling from the principal and would more than likely receive another one from Hikari, who resembled a shark swimming around its prey. She was well and truly adopting her role as the Class Rep, steeling herself to conceal the soft mush Toji had reduced her to ever since kissing her.
Hikari had to admit she was putting on the perfect award winning performance by pacing back and forth behind Toji, especially when she was resisting the urge to wrap her arms around him and hold him tight. She was even convincing Shinji, who – unbeknownst to Hikari – was fully aware of her feelings for Toji thanks to Asuka's gossiping habit, and he smiled at the two sympathetically before following Kensuke out of the classroom.
Once the last student had left the room and closed the door behind them, both Toji and Hikari simultaneously let out deep, long sighs that sounded like they had been suppressing the breath in their lungs all day.
Instantly softening, Hikari let her concern seep out, unable to help herself as she implored him for answers, "Are you alright? You've been kind of spacey ever since lunch."
Toji smiled weakly up at her. At first, it had caused her heart rate to hasten, the air in her lungs to be snatched out of her her, but the more she studied him, the more she realised he was not only feigning a smile, but he was doing a poor job at masking his troubles.
"I'm fine. Just got a lot on my mind."
Hikari frowned, flexing her fingers as she resisted reaching out to hold him.
"You can tell me," Hikari breathed out, too shy to raise her voice in case he heard the vulnerability causing her voice to shake. "You can tell me anything, and I'll listen."
Toji smiled, appreciating Hikari's concern – he really did. Part of him wanted to pour all of his troubles out to her. He believed her entirely, that she would listen because it was him.
And that was the problem.
"Thanks," he sighed, hanging his head as he added, "But… I don't wanna talk about it."
Hikari nodded, admittedly saddened at his rejection of her offer for him to vent, but all the while understanding. She went to speak again, to say something else, to provide him with kind and encouraging words, but she was interrupted by Asuka's words from lunch snaking around her mind,
Of course he likes you back.
Trust me, he wouldn't have kissed you if he didn't.
Of course he likes you back.
Of course.
Trust me.
The more Asuka's words repeated themselves, the more convinced Hikari was growing.
She furled and unfurled her hands several times, her eyes fixated on the ground as heat rose to her cheeks.
"T-Toji…" she stammered, his name tumbling out from between her lips in a whisper. She was almost certain he hadn't heard her and went to say his name again, only for him to hum and affirm he had heard her.
She gulped, clenching her fists tightly as she spoke to the ground, too embarrassed to speak to him directly, louder this time, "I… I… I…"
Hikari refused to look up at him, instead imagining how his features must have been contorted in confusion, his head tilted to the side as he waited for her to finish. Her heart thumped in her chest, slamming against the bones confining it into its place in her body and making her feel nauseous as adrenaline rushed through her, her blood pulsating within her veins as she declared to him,
"I like you!"
She squeezed her eyes shut, the pressure allowing a tear to fall as she strained, her entire body quivering. Hikari should have felt relieved to release such a heavy weight from her heart, but it still felt like there was a lump in her throat and thick anxiety coursing through her veins.
Toji surprised her by approaching her, raising her head by holding up her chin, forcing her to look right into his eyes. She couldn't hide anymore. Everything she had kept as a hushed secret to herself was now floating in the air, tension enveloping them. Hikari's knees wobbled, her legs giving way and her body crashing to the floor as she struggled to hold her weight up any longer. Toji crouched down to her level, resting his hands on each of her shoulders to support her. A single tear rolled down her cheek like a bead, and Toji used his thumb to wipe it away.
He gently pressed his lips against hers, but pulled away and broke the kiss before Hikari had the time to reciprocate it. The kiss was different from the one they had shared no more than twenty four hours ago, much softer and more delicate. It still swarmed her senses and woke up the butterflies in her stomach, but Hikari saw something flash across his eyes. Something she recognised. Something worlds different to the look he had given her before and then after kissing her.
It was guilt.
Cold air surrounded her as Toji let go of her, standing up and slouching as he slung his bag over his shoulder. He gave her one last smile as he sighed a simple, "I'm sorry."
Without another word between the two of them, Toji forgot all about his designated classroom duties, slipping out of the room and leaving Hikari to stare at the door he left wide open. She was frozen, unable to stand up in fear she would only collapse again, trembling with every breath that left her. Her eyes smarted and her vision started to blur as she focused on the door in the hope that he would return and comfort her, that he would kiss her again, that he would tell her he felt the same and wanted her, only her, just like how she wanted only him…
Instead, a tear hit the classroom floor by her knees, forming a puddle in front of her as more tears followed. She felt dizzy, the world around her swirling as her mind spun around so quickly, so nauseatingly quickly. The only sound Hikari could hear was her blood whooshing around in her ear, her heartbeat stunted as Toji's footsteps down the hall faded into silence.
