Chapter 10: Broken
Kaidan lay in his bed, staring at the ceiling and wishing that sleep would finally come. He had been home for the better part of five hours now, having had time to devour what passed for dinner, take two cold showers, and then try to sleep. It was that sleep part that he was still having problems with. His body ached as he felt as if his efforts with Shepard had trampled almost every inch of him, pushing the limits of his control. His head pulsed with pain, his chest ached with grief, and certain parts throbbed angrily, apparently upset with the cold showers earlier.
He had really hoped that the migraine that had threatened to set in earlier would have taken hold by now. At least then, he could have taken his meds and passed out from the side effects, rather than the perpetual torment of lying awake with only his thoughts, memories. There was no rest from the effects of Hurricane Alexis.
"Do you have anyone waiting for you back home?"
The blonde woman in front of him smirked a bit into her coffee cup. "Hurricane Alexis? No, there's not quite been someone capable of handling me. Besides, home is whichever ship they currently have me assigned to."
"Hurricane Alexis?"
She gave a half shrug. "Just a nickname that seems to have stuck with some of my so called friends. They claim that my life is far too tumultuous to afford any kind of stable relationship."
"And those are your friends?" Kaidan quirked one eyebrow.
"They're not so bad," she grinned slightly. "And they're not entirely wrong. Spending less than a month every year not deployed on some classified mission or on some extended cruise doesn't make it easy to have a relationship with anyone outside the Alliance."
"Doesn't that run the risk of fraternization? N7s aren't known for being in one place for a long time typically."
"One of the many complications that have kept me from pursuing any relationship of the sort. Not that there's been anyone capable of weathering the storm yet, so to speak," her tone became a bit more playful suddenly.
"Yet?"
She leaned in close a moment, her voice low and husky. "I'm still examining my options."
He felt a faint flush of heat, partially from the directness of her words but more from the sudden lack of space between them. It was the first time outside a combat zone that he could recall their bodies being this close, and it was very distracting – made worse by the fact that he could smell her perfume. He had never noticed her perfume before, the burnt ozone of biotics tended to overpower everything on the battlefield, but now, there was just a trace hint of that ozone that mingled with her perfume. It reminded him of the ocean before a storm.
Kaidan pushed the offending memory aside. It was two years later, and she still smelled the same as she did back then. It was not something he wanted to dwell on, not after today. The little things like how she smelled, or how she said his name, were not welcome at the moment. They only served as painful reminders of the shell of the person he thought she was, reminders of how she changed.
She had died, and it had changed everything for him.
"Your mother is worried about you."
Let her worry, he wanted to tell his father. He had only come home because he had no idea where to go on the mandatory leave the Alliance had forced on the crew. Their travel had been restricted due to the ongoing investigation with the destruction of the Normandy, and neither the Citadel nor Arcturus had seemed like good ideas. "I'll be fine," Kaidan muttered staring into the whiskey he held in his hands.
"We're family, Kaidan. We can help you through this." The words sounded odd coming from his father. Never once had the man ever tried to reach out to him, not really anyway. They reconciled several years ago for his mother's sake, but it had not been more than to make his sparse visits easier on the rest of the family.
"And how's that?" Kaidan refused still to look to the other man.
"Talk to us. Your mother, your sister, me. Someone."
"No thanks," he slammed back the whiskey. The only person he needed to talk to was dead.
"You have to let someone in eventually, Kaidan. Bottling it up will only destroy you, bit by bit, until you can't recognize who you are any more."
"Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing."
His father was quiet for several long moments, and Kaidan could almost feel the steely-eyed gaze on his back. "You don't have to let this change you."
"Not let it change me? The Normandy was destroyed. Her commanding officers – a good portion of her crew – killed during the attack. Exactly how is that not going to change me?" he turned to look at his father.
"There was nothing you could have done to prevent any of that, Kaidan. You did your job."
"Don't you see? That's the problem. I was the good, obedient soldier. I followed my orders even though I could have…" he faltered at the words.
"Could have what?"
"I could have forced her to leave."
God help him, if he could have gone back in time, he would have ignored her orders, slapped her in a stasis field and gotten her to the escape pod. He did not care that it meant Joker would not have made it and that Shepard would likely never forgive him. To be able to see the fury of emotions in her eyes, to see her…
Kaidan quickly got out of his bed and headed to his bathroom, splashing liberal amounts of cold water on his face. Anything to shock his mind from the recent trip down memory lane.
He really did not need Shepard to remind him of the last time he had been home. His sister was all too keen to remind him, especially since he had left quietly that night with just a written apology to his mom. She, at least, said she had understood, but their conversations had never quite been the same since. Because he could not handle Shepard's death.
Except she never really died. He had spent the past two years struggling to accept the fact that he did what he was supposed to have done, no matter how much it hurt. He had distanced himself from so much of his past life, burying himself in work, whatever it took to numb the loss. Eventually, even his dreams stopped tormenting him with reminders of that night before Ilos, or the last time she had kissed him.
He had been on his way to speak to Joker at the bridge when Shepard came rushing by him on the steps leading away from the CIC. Something had her wound up, distracted. He could feel the thrum of her biotics practically radiating from her.
"Shepard?" he called after her.
She stopped her quick descent and looked back to him. She said nothing, but then she did not need to say anything. She looked exhausted, frustrated. The wild goose chase after Geth was wearing on her.
He moved down the steps to her. Joker could wait a few minutes. They had been doing their best to keep everything strictly professional aboard the Normandy. They still talked, but sometimes it was easier to avoid temptation by avoiding each other. However, he could still offer an ear professionally. "I'm still here if you need anything."
Professionalism went straight out the airlock as soon as her lips were on his. There was something hot, demanding, and almost desperate about the way she kissed him. He was suddenly far too aware that it had been three weeks since they had any amount of real physical contact, and it had been longer still since that night before Ilos.
His biotics flared brightly for a moment as he tried to hold in the sudden urge to press her against the wall and rectify that problem - regardless of how inappropriate it may be.
She suddenly pulled away from him, her cheeks flushed. "Damn it... I'm sorry." Then she turned and was gone, having fled down the rest of the stairs and disappearing on to the crew deck.
Fighting off the impulse to follow her, he took a moment to steady himself before going to speak to Joker. He would let things cool before he talked to Shepard, to find out what was going on.
Except he had never gotten the chance. The Normandy had been attacked less than three hours later.
He slammed his fist against the metal counter in his bathroom. Ever since Horizon, that particular kiss had tormented him. When he thought that she had been dead, part of him clung to the memory as a final farewell to her. But with her alive, he had begun to doubt everything. Had she been conflicted in her feelings about faking her own death and had wavered in that moment with him? Or had she just been using him?
A loud chime echoed through his apartment, indicating that someone was at the door. He snatched a shirt from his bedroom on the way to the door, wondering who could possibly be bothering him right now. He had just pulled the shirt over his head when he got to the door and opened it.
He immediately felt a pulse of biotic energy jump through him as he saw Joker standing on the other side, grinning a bit too much like the Cheshire Cat. "What do you want, Joker?"
"Oh gee, Kaidan. It's good to see you too. It's been such a long time. "
"Not long enough."
"How have I been? I've been good all things considered. It's so nice of you to ask, pal."
Kaidan folded his arms across his chest and just stared at the other man.
"Shit, you guys are a bunch of pussies," a bald woman, covered quite literally in tattoos, drawled as she stepped closer. Kaidan had been so intently focused on Joker that he never even noticed her. "So, are you going to let us in or not?"
He raised one eyebrow, looking from the woman to Joker. "And why would I?"
Joker sighed dramatically. "Because I don't think the Commander would appreciate us airing her dirty laundry about in the open."
Kaidan stood there a moment, eyeing both of the people at his door before finally taking a step back - giving them room to enter. He did not know what Joker was getting at, but the quicker he let them in, the quicker he could get rid of them.
Joker let the grin fade as he hobbled past Kaidan, without the assistance of crutches. The bald woman followed him, watching Kaidan with a leering, almost predatorial gaze. As soon as they had entered, he checked to make sure there was no one else behind them and then let the door close.
"What is this about, Joker?"
"You aren't going to offer me something to drink?" the pilot asked as he sat himself down in a chair.
Kaidan calmly kept his eyes on the woman that accompanied Joker. He was not very comfortable with her presence. "That would imply I invited you here."
"Huh, you've been a pretty crappy friend it would seem."
"I'm not your friend."
"You've got to get over this whole I killed your girlfriend thing," Joker sounded slightly hurt, but there was this note of expectation in his voice. The man seriously wanted Kaidan to get over what his insubordination caused.
"If this is why you came here, Joker, you and your," Kaidan paused a moment as he regarded the woman whom he still watched, "friend can get the hell out."
The woman's dark eyes flashed briefly as she watched him. "Why don't you make us?" she sneered at him.
"And, let's not taunt the moody marine, Jack. You're supposed to keep him from killing me, not goad him into it."
Jack snorted slightly. "Shit, that boy scout wouldn't kill you. He's too damned calm."
"Not when it comes to Shepard. So tell me, Alenko, are you trying to break her?"
Kaidan finally turned his attention back to the pilot who looked like he was currently sulking. "I'm not doing anything to Shepard that she didn't start."
"She didn't ask to be spaced, dipshit."
"Then why didn't you follow orders? Are you so damn arrogant to think you could have saved the Normandy? Or was it all just part of her cover to fake her death?"
Joker sat there a moment, shaking his head silently. "Can you honestly say you believe that she would actually do that?"
"Because being brought back from the dead is so very believable."
"I get that back on Horizon you were shocked to see her. I can almost excuse how you talked to her. But seriously, man, you're a fucking moron."
Kaidan felt the dark torrent of energy pull about his hands as he clenched his jaw. Jack was suddenly standing in front of Joker, ablaze in her own biotics. "Don't even think about it, boy scout."
Joker stood up, cursing slightly, and hobbled around Jack. He reached into his pocket and threw some OSDs on the ground in front of Kaidan. "Shepard is probably going to break every bone in my body, but you have no idea of what she's been going through. Hell, none of us know what she's been going through. She doesn't talk about it. Ever. She acts like everything is fine. Except around you."
"And what, these," Kaidan nudged the OSDs with a foot, "are surveillance footage of Shepard around the ship?"
Joker sighed. "No. EDI wouldn't give me any of the surveillance footage that would have been useful since it was from Shepard's cabin. She did give me access to Miranda's private files involving Project Lazarus - in addition to several notable groundside missions that she felt would be prudent for review."
Kaidan had an idea of what could be on those OSDs. That Chambers woman had mentioned the Lazarus Project earlier that day. "And how do I know none of this information is just clever fakes?"
Shaking his head in disgust, Joker started to hobble back towards the front door. "Look, you have the information. Do whatever the hell you want with it." He stopped to look back over his shoulder. "But don't you ever blame me for her death after this. I'm not the one killing her. Come on, Jack," he said as he continued to the door.
Jack walked slowly after Joker, keeping her dark eyes on Kaidan as she moved, that same predatory look in her eyes. Then both of them were gone. Kaidan waited a minute after they left before he went to the door and re-engaged the lock. Heading back into the other room, he used a mnemonic Lift to pull the OSDs to him.
He regarded them quietly. If Joker was being honest, these OSDs held the truth to what happened to Shepard. But they came from Cerberus. How far would these people go to make someone believe what they wanted? Could he really trust anything that they said?
There was only one way to find out. Kaidan walked over to his desk where his private terminal was located and sat down, popping in the OSDs.
"Lieutenant Alenko. They've recovered the last pod," some unnamed ensign from the SSV Agincourt advised.
"What's the status?" Kaidan tried to sound official, giving orders, staying calm. It was the last pod. She had to be there.
"One survivor. He's pretty banged up, but the ship doctor thinks he'll make a full recovery."
"One?" he hoped that somehow he had heard wrong. His heart nearly stopped as he waited for the reply.
"Yes sir, Flight Lieutenant Moreau was the only one aboard."
Kaidan felt his mouth go dry as the world listed slightly. Joker. Only Joker made it from the bridge. Oh god, Shepard.
"Captain Perrati will be by later to confer with you, Lieutenant."
Silent tears streamed down Kaidan's face as he stared at the first image of Project Lazarus. The familiar Onyx armor - burnt, broken.
Commander Alexis Shepard was dead.
Several images flashed by as the voice of Miranda Lawson spoke clinically, coldly of what was being done. The armor was slowly removed from the body during the course of the images, leaving a withered husk, bones snapped and shattered. It was virtually unidentifiable.
Commander Shepard.
The voice seemed to repeat that name every few minutes, as if trying to convince him that this body was hers. The rest of the words droned in the background, falling on mostly deaf ears.
The image flashed again, showing a close-up of the charred skull. The lingering remnants of tissue flaking off the bone structures. The face was vacant, hollow - lifeless without her eyes.
Her blue eyes. It was always those eyes that drew him in. Her eyes had always spoke volumes of what she would not say. The anger, defiance. The desire, longing.
Kaidan blinked and turned his head from the image, trying to shake the thought of her eyes staring out at him from that shell. There had been no eyes to stare into, no blonde hair falling haphazardly across her face, demanding attention.
He took a shuddering breath and braced himself to look back. The image had pulled back from the close-up of the skull, revealing the body laid bare in some kind of operating vat. Tubes had been inserted in several places, a ventilator mask attached to the head, and machines worked tirelessly at some surgery. He watched in twisted wonder as after several minutes the machines stopped at their current task and the unmistakable sound of a heartbeat echoed in the room.
The sound grew louder, almost stronger with each passing second. And each one was a beat of agony to him. There was something unmistakably real that resounded with the noise. For the first time, Kaidan found himself doubting his own beliefs. The footage in front of him could easily pass as some crazy science fiction scenario, but what if this farfetched idea was really the truth?
Then Shepard had really died, and Cerberus had really brought her back, and he had been too wrapped in his own pain to see what was in front of him.
He stood up abruptly, letting the footage continue to roll, and found himself in his kitchen. He opened a cabinet and pulled out the mostly full bottle of whiskey. Pouring himself a few fingers worth, he quickly slammed it back - as the Australian voice continued to drone on in the background.
He let the liquid burn its trail of fire into his stomach before pouring himself another shot. He stared at it for several long minutes, listening to the file as it continued to play forward.
"My god, Miranda, I think she's waking up."
Kaidan hurried back to his terminal. The sound of panicked breathing could be heard in the background. Miranda and someone he had not seen before were moving about a table where a covered body lay.
"Damn it, Wilson. She's not ready yet. Give her the sedative. Shepard, don't try to move. Just lie still. Try to stay calm."
Miranda seemed to waver between clipped annoyance and genuine concern as she spoke, showing her emotional conflict over her subject. Part of him wanted to now thank her for her role in bringing back his Shepard. A darker part of him, however, wanted to put her through the same torment her actions were obviously inflicting on Shepard during her resurrection.
The man Wilson began reciting stats, none of which sounded positive, while Miranda moved to help administer the sedative. The form on the table struggled, the cloth covering it slipping to the ground, revealing a very scarred Shepard. There were sections of skin that were more red than pink where they had been pieced back together. Whatever was going on, she was clearly in pain.
Kaidan could not take any more. He rushed over to the terminal and violently yanked out the OSDs before hurling them across the room. They clattered against the wall as he stalked back to his room and changed into his Alliance-issued BDUs. His nerves might be shot, and he had no idea what he could possibly say to her right now, but he could not stay here with what he had just seen.
The twenty minutes that it took to travel from his apartment back to the medical facility where Shepard was still at were excruciatingly slow. It was technically "night time" at the Citadel, so the halls had been dimmed to help simulate the actual hour. As he neared her door, he wished he had finished that second drink of whiskey. He was not the kind to rely on the liquid courage, but his nerves were still a jumbled mess.
He paused a moment outside her door, doing his best to steady himself before knocking on the door. A few seconds passed, and there was no response. He knocked again and waited, trying to listen for any kind of sounds on the other side. After there was still no response, he went ahead and opened the door.
Inside, the room was dark and quiet. His eyes took a few moments to adjust to the abrupt change from even the dim hallway light. The bed in the room was empty, but it showed signs that it had been slept in. The black duffel that Chambers had brought her was still lying in one of the chairs in the room, which at least meant that Shepard had to still be here.
He glanced briefly into the darkened bathroom and caught a brief glimpse of movement along the floor. Frowning slightly, he stepped into the room, flipping the light switch as he did. Sitting huddled on the floor in the corner was Shepard, her head buried in her hands.
Swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat, Kaidan walked quietly over to her, kneeling beside her. He reached forward and gently removed the hands from her face. For a moment, she struggled against the movement before silently relenting and turning to look at him.
Her face was streaked with tears, falling silently from those blue eyes of hers. Blue eyes marked with a lost, haunted look that he had no hope of being able to fathom. He felt his heart beat painfully in his chest as he stared into her eyes. What could he possibly say right now?
Not knowing what else to do, Kaidan pulled Shepard into his arms, wrapping them around her tightly. She was still for several seconds before finally settling into the embrace, laying her head against his chest. She never sobbed; she never spoke. She just let him hold her silently.
Joker was wrong; Kaidan hadn't broken Shepard. Something else entirely had.
