Sunday afternoon / evening
Damn, damn, damn. Despite the nightmares he had managed to sleep several hours. The sleep he needed. The nightmares he could have done without. After he had woken up he took a hot shower. He was just starting to feel better when a thought occured to him. Gibbs hadn't promised to keep what he knew to himself. Theoretically there wasn't anything stopping Gibbs from telling anyone anything. Even if he promised not to tell anyone else what was there to keep him from it? No, Gibbs was a man of his word. If he gave it he did his best to keep it. Damn it...
Normally any other time he would call and set up a visit. This close to the last one? With the injuries from the previous visit and the accident still this fresh? Nope, his 'friend' would never agree. "Damn it," he muttered to himself. He turned the heat up and walked into the kitchen. He went through all the food in the kitchen trying to find something that sounded appetizing. Nope, nothing.
His thoughts drifted back to dangerous memories. He shook his head trying to banish them. "Not going there. Not now." Pfft. Not ever again if he had anything to say about it. Not that his brain ever listened to what he wanted... Maybe he should call anyway? Couldn't hurt could it?
*One call later*
"Damn it!" Kort slammed his cell shut. Yep, denied. Figures. Dropping onto his couch Kort ran a hand over his face and tried to think of something that might help. You could always go cry more to Abby. Kort started to growl at the thought then paused. Abby kept her promises. Obviously from Gibbs reaction last night Abby hadn't told him anything. Could he trust her enough...
"Stupid," he growled at himself. All he would do was give her more ammunition. But it's Abby... "Still stupid," he muttered to himself. Desperately Kort ran through his mind trying to find any other alternative. Nope, not coming up with anything else... Fuck. Whatever, he had to do something or he was going to end up going crazy. Pulling into the parking lot he stared up at the building. Still a stupid idea...
*Abby*
Grabbing the blanket off the bed Abby walked into her living room. As she dropped the blanket on the couch there was a knock at her door. Glancing at the clock she was a little surprised. That was quick, she wasn't expecting the pizza to arrive for another ten minutes. As she opened the door Abby started to ask how much the pizza was again before she realized who was standing in front of her. She blinked a few times sure she was seeing things. Nope, still Kort.
"Uh, hi?"
*Kort*
Yup, stupid idea, he thought.
"Yeah, hi. Can I come in?" Now that he was here he had to either follow through or come up with a good reason for this visit. Abby moved to the side and Kort walked into her apartment. Very... Abby, he thought as he inspected the place.
"Um..."
Kort stopped inspecting things and turned around to face Abby. Yep, moment of truth here. Now or never. Question was, could he do it?
"So you have... an interesting taste in decor."
"You didn't come here to critique my decor," Abby stated simply.
Kort shrugged. Walking to the couch he glanced back at Abby and raised an eyebrow. Abby stood where she was and crossed her arms. Shrugging Kort sat down and tried to think of how to begin. Should he even start? What if she did break her word? What if she wouldn't give her word not to tell anything? What if, what if. He could what if himself to death and it wouldn't get him any closer to an answer.
"Something you needed?"
Kort glanced over to Abby. In the end what decided him was knowing what would happen if he didn't do something. He motioned for her to sit. Abby hesitated. Kort didn't blame her. After a short time she finally took a seat in one of the chairs near the couch.
"It's like this," he began. "I have... methods... for dealing with things. Right now none of those are available."
*Abby*
Abby narrowed her gaze trying to decipher what Kort was trying to tell her. 'Methods'. She pondered this in the silence that followed. "You mean like when you go to your friend so he can... so you can... um..."
A sad smile spread on Kort's face. "Friend," he repeated. "That's one way to put it, I suppose. Yes, like that."
"I still don't understand that."
Kort nodded absently to himself. "I know. I suppose that's as good a place to start as any." Kort looked up to look into her eyes. "Promise me something first.
Whatever gets said here. Whatever we talk about... You won't tell anyone. You won't talk about it, write it, discuss it or anything with anyone. Ever."
He looked at her expectantly as Abby tried to decide whether or not to agree. What decided her was the look on his face. There was some thing going on that was troubling him and she couldn't stand to see anyone that upset. She nodded an agreement.
"Out loud. If you don't mind."
"Promise," she replied quietly.
Kort nodded and opened his mouth to speak. Before he could get anything out there was a knock on her door. Abby looked up surprised. The pizza. Shoot, she had totally forgotten. Her eyes went wide when she realized that wasn't all she had forgotten. She held up a finger to Kort to get him to wait for a moment. Abby hurried to the door. Opening it she was glad this knock had been the pizza. Quickly she paid for the pizza and shut the door.
"One second. I have one more thing to do."
Grabbing her cell she fired off a text to her friend that pizza night was cancelled due to unforseen consequences. She would call later when she could. Turning her phone off Abby sat back down and looked at Kort expectantly. Kort raised an eyebrow.
"I was just stopping any further interruptions. Figured you would appreciate not having to stop in the middle of whatever you were fixing to say."
"Appreciated." He paused trying to find a good way to start again. "Some times... Some times you need some thing familiar. Some thing you know how to react to."
He stopped and looked up at Abby to see if she was following so far. She looked a little confused. Kort closed his eyes and shook his head. This isn't going to work. I should leave now.
"Familiar? Like what has already happened? You repeat some thing to feel more 'in control' because you already know what will happen? No surprises?"
Kort's eyes popped open and he stared at Abby. Slowly he shook his head. "Yes. Like that."
"Does this have anything to do with what you were telling me at the hospital?"
Kort smiled sadly again and nodded. Now that he had began there was no turning back.
"So you let someone do that to you... because it's already been done. So that means..."
The look of shock on her face almost made him wince. "It's really not that bad. It's kind of nice to know what's going to happen. Knowing how to handle a situation.
Knowing what to expect."
Abby nodded but dropped her eyes to her lap.
*Kort*
Damn it. She already looked so sad he felt compelled to comfort her somehow. 'Nope. Not going there.' If he did he would never get through this, and some thing had to give somewhere.
"Yeah. So anyway, some times I set up a visit like that because I know what's going to happen. I know how to deal with it. I just... know. So it makes it that much easier to deal with other things."
"What happened when you were younger."
Kort jumped up suddenly and glared at Abby. In his mind he knew she was honestly concerned. In his mind he knew she hadn't talked to Gibbs. The words were just too similar to sit well. Especially when he was trying to open up. When he was trying, for the first time, to tell anyone about himself or his past.
"Are you alright?"
Kort shook his head and started pacing. Alright? Yeah sure, peachy. Damn it.
"Hey."
He stopped pacing and turned back to Abby.
"Sorry if I said something wrong. I didn't mean to pry."
Kort sighed, walked back to the couch and sat down. "Nevermind, It's nothing. I guess we have to get to that sooner or later. Can you just... Could you just wait and let me get through this my own way?"
"Yeah, of course."
Kort was unable to stand the look of concern on her face. He turned away so he wouldn't have to see it. "Yeah. So..." There really wasn't any good way to start.
Damn it, what was he even doing here? Sissy. Why don't you just run away from this too? Kort growled at the thought and started again.
"Yes. Things like that happened before." He chose his words carefully, trying not to dredge up too much of his past. "So if I get to choose the when and how and for how long this time..." He struggled trying to find the best way to phrase it.
"You're in control of the situation. It doesn't go further than you want. You get the familiarity without having to worry about it going too far?"
Kort nodded again. "Some thing like that. Before, I wasn't 'in control' of the situation. Before, I wasn't the one that said how much or for how long. Now..." He shrugged.
*Abby*
Abby had so many questions. She wasn't sure how she kept her mouth closed. The only thing that helped hold her tongue was Kort's earlier reaction. Though she didn't know quite what Kort had survived she was beginning to have a clue. She had a feeling if she started asking questions now Kort would never answer them. She had to let him tell this story at his own pace.
"So that's the where and why of the other injuries."
He sounded so sad she just wanted to hug him.
"About the dream," he began. "I think everything was just... too much," he gritted out.
He obviously had issues admitting there was anything he couldn't handle. In many ways he reminded her of Gibbs. The big difference being when Gibbs was upset about some thing she wouldn't hesitate to try to comfort him. She didn't think that would be appreciated right now. She waited as patiently as she could for Kort to continue. And waited... And waited... Finally she couldn't stand the silence.
"If you want to share any of it I won't tell anyone," she said quietly.
Kort shook his head and remained silent. Abby drew her legs up and put her arms around them. "You came here to talk. I already know some. You might as well continue so I don't make guesses and get things wrong." More silence. "I won't say anything and it wasn't your fault," she added quietly.
"After the case, after the videos from that case... Damn it." Kort took a deep breath and released it slowly. "It just reminded me of some things better forgotten.
Problem was I couldn't get them out of my head at the time. I set up a visit and things were... better. Then I got hit by the car. After that I think the pain just added up and the past was just too close to the surface. You know?"
He finally turned to look at her and Abby nodded. Kort looked away again.
"So some of it invaded my dreams." Suddenly Kort turned back. "By the way, never do that again. If I'm sleeping don't ever touch me again."
Abby nodded and Kort turned away again. She heard him mutter some thing but only caught the words 'not safe'. She decided to let it pass and wait for him to continue.
"So, yeah. Shit happened in the past and I couldn't control that. Now I can."
Abby waited for more but Kort didn't speak again.
"You came here to talk."
"I have been talking."
He turned back and glared at her.
"No offense but you're talking without really saying anything. I mean, if you want to talk, then talk."
"Just what do you think I've been doing here?"
"Avoiding," Abby stated promptly.
"Excuse you?"
"You heard me." Abby put her legs down and sat up straight. "You came here to talk but you're avoiding saying anything relevant. You want to tell someone some thing but you don't want to say it. You're going to have to decide what you want more."
"Whatever. I knew this was a waste of time." Kort stood and headed for the door.
"Call it whatever you want, but you're going to have to make a decision sooner or later. And if you don't talk now it's only going to be harder if not almost impossible if you ever decide to try again."
"I don't need this."
"Pfft. Yes you do. You won't allow yourself this. Don't confuse the two."
"What would you know about any of this? Tell me, when was the last time your father almost drown you in an icy bathtub? Kort walked closer and bent down until he was eye to eye with her. When was the last time your father threw you into a wall because you had the wrong 'look' on your face at the wrong time?"
"I'm sorry that happened to you then, but now you have a decision to make. Let it control you or take back control of your life." Abby stood forcing Kort to step back.
"Either you talk about this now or you're not going to later, and you know it. You can let things go and everything will continue just as it has or you can change it. It's your decision to make."
She took a step forward forcing Kort to take another step back. "If you don't want to talk about this, fine. You know where the door is. But you came here. You came here looking for some one to talk to so don't tell me everything is fine now. I know better. You can lie to yourself but you can't lie to me." She took another step forward and Kort backed up another step. "I gave you my word I wouldn't tell anyone and I meant it. If you want to talk about any of it, do it. If you don't, then leave."
For a while nothing happened.
*Kort*
"Fuck." Kort ran a hand across his face and turned his back to her. In many ways she was right and he knew it. That only made it worse. Some thing had to give and if he couldn't talk to her who could he talk to? He racked his mind for any other alternative. Nothing, of course. Fuck.
"Fine. Sit down, shut it and don't interrupt," he growled at her.
