Ano Hito no Jijō (That Person's Circumstances)
by
Saddletank
Chapter Eleven – Time Passes Slowly To Those Tortured
A week must have gone by. Or two. Or three. I wasn't really counting.
If I had it wouldn't have meant anything. Each felt like a month to me.
Each hour was a day. Each minute a lifetime. Each second became forever.
The days stretched. Became toffee. And went on, and on.
Get up, drag myself out of bed, shower, eat, dress, put bedding away (when I could be bothered), walk to school.
(That took almost an hour – almost a day in which I died each time).
School. See her. Classes. Lunch. Watch her talking with her friends. Have her look at me and talk to me. And have me respond. Somehow. Classes. Feel her sitting near me, a little behind. I can't keep turning to look. After school clubs. Walk home. Think about her. Eat. Homework. TV or music. Read until I slept. Bed. Dream of her.
It went on, each piece of my day like another drip, and drip, another water torture hammer blow.
Each day I would ask myself…
Why do I feel like this? What causes it? What is this feeling? Why does she make me feel this way? What would she be like to talk to alone? To have her look back at me? Ask me questions about myself?
To touch?
I tried to find ways to distract myself. I spent more time at the swimming club at which I was good. I got better.
The cool water flowing across my body, the freedom of flying submerged. Underwater I was free, a bird airborne in fluid sky, a fish swimming in the highest clouds of the ocean, the ache of muscles and lungs. It helped. I found I was good. I had always been a strong swimmer, just rather uncontrolled. Raw. The team captain and coach were very good. They directed my energy and honed my skill.
After a while I found I was better than good. I was excellent. But I was still no team player. I swam alone, I hated the relay, having others rely on me to swim my lengths, I hated that. Maybe that's why I'm a swimmer and not a volleyball player, not a team player.
Underwater I am alone, no one to distract me with idle friendly conversation. No one to break into my space. That was how I wanted it.
And she wasn't there. I was free of those eyes, those dark calm, knowing spirits.
I ran too but I liked track less, other runners would speak to me and I hated that.
Stay away. Keep away. Don't let them near me.
I began to eat more healthily as well.
Lose a little weight.
And I began to grow.
In more ways that one.
Taller, leaner. And in other ways.
- - - oOo - - -
10 – 11 & 14 May 2007
For author notes about Chapter Eleven, please see my forum (click on my pen name).
