Strength and Healing

Chapter 11

AN: Here is chapter 11, moving along in the story. Thank you all again for your continued support! I got a couple of reviews asking for some JJ/Morgan bonding, and I couldn't believe the concept hadn't occurred to me. (This is why your reviews are important to me—you all are truly my co-writers) There are flashbacks in this chapter (yay!). I really enjoyed writing it and I'm excited for you to see it. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.

I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.

Gabby

"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."

-Unknown

"Can we talk about last night?"

It was a question JJ had become used to. Anytime JJ and Emily had attempted to become more physical than a simple kiss, JJ's anxiety would set in, and inevitably, the next day would feature a conversation between the two about what had gone down. This particular event occurred a few weeks into the women's relationship.

"Um. Sure. I guess." JJ hated this part. It made it so she only ever wanted to hug her girlfriend. Anything else came with a set of consequences that were not worth it.

"You told me on our first date that you had had sex three times? I'm getting the impression that isn't true." Emily didn't want to dive in like that, but JJ only lasted in these conversations for like five minutes, understandably so, so Emily needed to skip the pleasantries.

JJ sat down on the couch with a sigh, gingerly taking the mug of coffee her girlfriend offered her. "Three women," the blonde clarified. "Not three times."

"Why did you lie?" Emily wasn't angry, but if she was going to be the person to teach JJ that she wasn't the toy her other girlfriends had treated her as, she needed to learn as much of the truth as she could.

"I let three different women abuse me, Emily," JJ explained, shame evident in her voice. "I thought three times made me seem less weak."

Emily, as usual, was shocked. Every time JJ uttered a self-deprecating word-which was often-it absolutely blew the brunette away. Emily could not imagine how someone as amazing as JJ was made to believe those things. "You're not weak. Not at all. Jennifer, you are unbelievably strong." Emily didn't know what else to say, or if her words would be a comfort at all. At this point, she knew it had to be her actions, and not her words, that would eventually allow JJ to trust again.


Ding.

It had been three hours since Derek had called her. And now the shrill call of the doorbell announced his arrival. Morgan had texted Emily and asked if it was okay if he and Hotch came over to deliver Erin's note and discuss the legal implications of Erin's suicide. Emily had said yes, hoping the stimulation would bring her wife out of the catatonic state she had been stuck in since Emily had uttered the words "Erin's dead" three hours earlier.

JJ jumped at the sound; it seemingly woke her up. Emily hated it, but she realized when her wife entered these states of unbearable numbness, sometimes fear was the only thing that snapped her out of it. Emily gently placed her hand on JJ's thigh for a moment, making sure her wake-up call had not triggered a panic attack, and then stood up to open the door.

Emily was greeted by two stern agents, both of whom entered her house wordlessly before the brunette led them into the living room, where JJ had managed to stand up. Hotch and Emily watched as JJ and Derek made anxious eye-contact. Both profilers saw hesitation in the blonde's eyes before she threw herself into Morgan's arms. The hug didn't last long, but all four of them were surprised that it happened. JJ pulled back first, looking at Hotch and Emily for a moment before speaking her first words in three hours.

"Derek, can I talk to you alone for a little while?"

The man nodded silently, gesturing for the blonde to lead him wherever she wanted to go. JJ made a beeline to the backyard. It was warm for autumn, almost eighty degrees, but it was pleasantly windy, and the smells of the outdoors always calmed JJ down. This conversation was too long put off.

Inside, Emily turned to Hotch. "That took longer than I expected."

Hotch nodded. "I'm glad they have each other."

Understandably, Emily wasn't in the mood for small talk. "So, what happens now?"

"Well, there's no doubt it was suicide. The problem is, because of the close nature of the case, the Bureau is investigating the possibility that she was coerced into it."

Emily hadn't been involved much in the interrogation process, so she needed to know. "Was she?"

"We got a little rough with her, maybe, but no. The reality of the life she brought on herself must have crashed in on her. I don't know of many women who were convicted of sexual abuse, and to be honest, she probably knew what would have happened to her in prison."

"How long do you think the investigation will take?" Emily wondered. She knew the quicker it was over, the more likely it was that JJ would be able to move past it.

"A few weeks, maybe. Not long. There's nothing to find," Hotch assured.

Just then, Emily's phone rang. "It's my mother-in-law," she told Hotch. "I've been ignoring her all morning. I better pick up."

Hotch nodded and made his way into the kitchen to give Emily some privacy.

"Hey, Annie."


"Thank you." JJ quickly wiped a tear away and hid a trembling chin by taking a shaky sip of her coffee. "I appreciate you saying that to me."

"I say it because it's true, sweetheart," Emily desperately tried to convince her girlfriend.

"I don't know if it is," JJ admitted tearfully, giving up on wiping them away, "but…thanks."

Emily decided to take over JJ's attempt at wiping away her tears. But instead of angrily swiping her fingers across JJ's face, she took her time, wiping each individual tear away with deliberate motions, never breaking eye contact.

Soon, the blonde's tears stopped, a direct result of Emily's actions. No insecurity could win a battle against the fierceness of Emily Prentiss's love.

It was in that moment, pondering the strength in her girlfriend's softness, that JJ first realized that vulnerability was the thing about people that made them truly strong. There was a strength in love, a strength in tears….


JJ and Morgan were quiet for a while. Neither agent knew how to begin this necessary conversation. The silence wasn't unwelcome though. Both of them had experienced the loudness that exists inside your mind when you are filled with shame. For the most part, both had figured out how to quiet the loudness, but even still, a true quiet moment was a rare occurrence, and they were both grateful for it.

Morgan spoke first. "JJ, I…really had no idea."

The blonde knew what her friend was referring to. "Until I met Emily, no one did."

"What does your mom know?" Derek asked, remembering something Annie Jareau had said to him during the Jackson Shaffer trial.

"I don't know what will happen to Jenny if another one gets away with it."

JJ nodded. "Everything. Not in detail, obviously, but after some of the things I said in my vows to Emily, mom was a little suspicious. My mother is the poster child for the 'moms know everything' cliché."

Derek nodded, not saying anything else.

This time, it was JJ's turn to break the silence. "Can I ask you a question, Derek?"

"Of course."

"When Carl Buford was murdered in prison, how did it make you feel?"

This was the question Derek was expecting. "I was a little disappointed that his sentence would be so short. I really wanted to believe in hell. But mostly I was relieved that he was no longer in the world."

"I kinda feel like that too." JJ looked down.

"I feel like there's more to that statement," Derek observed.

"You don't need to be a profiler to figure that out," JJ laughed, knowing she was an open book, and it was obvious she wouldn't have asked that question if she wasn't expecting a more complicated answer.

"So what else is there?" Derek asked, prompting his friend.

"I don't know. I just—don't tell Emily this—but I kind of feel bad for her. I mean, she was abused as a child. I can just see the trail she took from there to the cell in Quantico. I can see myself traveling down that path too."

"You feel survivor's guilt because the woman who ruined your life is dead?" Morgan didn't mean to sound judgmental, but he couldn't help being a little angry. He began to fear that maybe this was something that Erin had brainwashed her to do, along with allowing her to hurt her for all those years.

"I know it's crazy, Derek, and that's why I can't really talk to Emily about it."

"I think she knows," Derek said. "Isn't that what started the fight you guys had?"

JJ nodded. "Now that I know you don't see where I'm coming from, I know I'm crazy." The blonde couldn't help but to laugh at herself."

"JJ, our situations are different," Derek explained. "Buford was never abused. He was simply a monster. But you have to look at it this way. More often than not, the unsubs we take down aren't just evil for the sake of being evil. Even so, when they have a gun to an innocent person's head, we take the shot. Not because the person who we shoot isn't a human being, but because the people they killed were also human beings. The system isn't perfect, but we do the best we can, and sometimes we fail. That doesn't make the lives we saved worthless. Sometimes unfair things happen. You and I know that better than most other people."

Derek stepped to JJ and hesitantly wrapped an arm around her shoulders, knowing she might react with fear to the touch. When she didn't, the man continued. "You know as well as I do that Erin couldn't be saved. She was past the point of any redemption."

JJ reached up to wipe an unsolicited tear, but she stopped herself. She was sad, unbearably so, and there was absolutely no reason to hide it. It took a lot of strength to let her hand come back to rest on the railing of the deck in the Prentisses' back yard, but she possessed more strength than Hercules in that moment. The blonde nodded. "You're right, Derek."

Derek pressed a gentle kiss to his friend's head. "You know, she didn't have any family left," he told her. "Someone asked me if you wanted her ashes."

"Well, if I don't take them, where will they go?"

Derek shrugged. "I can find out for you."

"No, I want them. I'll scatter them somewhere." She sniffed. "For closure," the blonde clarified.

"Okay," Derek said. "I'll get them to you," he promised.

There was a knock on the back door. It was Emily. JJ waved her out.

"Hey," she said. "Jen, you're mom called. I told her you weren't up to talking, but you might be tomorrow. Is that okay?"

JJ nodded. "Thanks, Em," she said.

"Of course," Emily replied, exiting the house completely, moving to stand next to her wife, who was just being released from Derek's grasp.

Just as Derek had done minutes earlier, Emily slowly wrapped an arm around her wife, relieved when the stiff, cold form she had been attempting to comfort earlier was no longer possessing JJ's body.

"Are you and Hotch done?" Morgan asked, sensing the two needed some time alone.

Emily nodded, leaning in to press the side of her head to the top of JJ's.

"Alright, well we should get going then," Morgan said. He turned to walk back in the house before he remembered the original reason why he came. He reached into his coat pocket and produced a piece of folded printer paper and then handed it to JJ. "Hotch and I will show ourselves out. You guys enjoy the sun."

"Thank you, Derek," she said, knowing he was aware the thanks was for more than the note.

"You got it, Jayje," he smiled, then he turned to both women. "Once the investigation is over, we'll be cleared to fly again. Hotch said you guys can choose whether or not you want to come back yet. Just wanted to let you know." With that, Morgan disappeared inside the house.

"What investigation?" JJ asked immediately.

Emily led them to the swing that had once belonged to Annie. The redhead had given them the old porch swing as a wedding gift after Emily had vocally admired it for years. "When something like this happens, it's procedure to investigate whether the suicide was coerced. I talked to Hotch about it. It wasn't."

JJ nodded, leaning into the warmth of her wife, who eagerly wrapped a loving arm around her.

That sat in comfortable silence for a moment. "You don't have to read the note, you know," Emily assured.

"I want to," JJ said. "Can I read it out loud?"

"If you want to." Emily sat up slightly from her lounged position but kept a supportive arm around JJ.

JJ unfolded the paper with Erin's handwriting on it. "It's not long," she explained.

Emily didn't reply, but waited patiently for JJ to speak…or not.

After a few seconds, the blonde began to read.

Jennifer,

I don't even know how to begin. First, I want you to know that I am doing this for you. You were right. I lost. I never had any chance of winning, not since I was nine-years-old. But you…never let yourself believe your life was over. What's happened in your life is a thousand times worse than what's happened in mine.

I know I don't deserve your forgiveness. And I am not asking for it. What I am asking is for you to find Amanda. Please make sure she's taking after you and not after me.

You are not worthless. Oh, God, please don't believe all that shit I used to tell you. You are so amazing, Jennifer. And I was too stupid, too far gone to see that. Please believe what Emily tells you. She's right.

You won.

I finally understand the difference between a victim and a survivor.

Erin

JJ managed to get the letter out before breaking down into tears. Emily took the letter out of her wife's hands, laying it down beside her, before wrapping JJ in her arms and carrying her back into their house. Emily laid JJ down before crawling into the bed behind her and holding her close. Soon, JJ's sobs transformed into small sniffles. "That's not what I was expecting," she confided eventually.

"Me neither," Emily agreed, softly smoothing her wife's hair back. "I'm really proud of you."

JJ just squeezed her wife's hand in thanks.

"I want to scatter her ashes," JJ said suddenly. "By the creek I used to tell you about. Where we used to go together. It was the only place Erin was ever truly at peace. I want her to stay there. At peace…."

AN: There's chapter 11! Please let me know what you think and what you want to see happen!