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The following is a typed transcript from Arthur Kirkland's Dictaphone which Arthur called a 'Weekend in a Haunted Castle'. This appeared to be the first transcript regarding this 'weekend'. In it he describes a weekend with his fellow 'Nations', in which certain occurrences took place. The location – i.e. the haunted castle Arthur describes is an actual castle – Chillingham Castle in Northumberland, England. I, myself, who transcribed this account recently visited said castle and found that it had been closed for 'refurbishments', after I enquired further the owner stated specifically that it would never again be available for private hire and that members of his staff were still recovering from previous events. Whatever that may mean.

As before all dialogue not in italics can be assumed to be Arthur's, the dialogue in italics is person or persons unknown. Some dialogue could not be transcribed correctly due to static, incoherency or un-translatable foreign language.

Arthur Kirkland's Diary – Transcript 11 – Weekend in a Haunted Castle Part I

(sound of car engine and tinny music)

Bloody hell, is this switched on? Hi Diane. It's me, Arthur obviously. Well I'm on my way now to Chillingham Castle just outside Alnwick. I've hired the whole castle for the weekend. Well, my boss has. It was my idea though to hold it there. This is going to be hilarious, for me that is, nobody else. Another G8 meeting with some of the European idiots who are crapping their pants over the Euro. The last meeting didn't go too well. Germany ended up in hospital with a pipe wrapped around his neck and Russia was escorted out of Italy by armed guards. They were lucky he didn't break their necks. And then of course, the idiot Vikings were also escorted from the country after causing an uproar. They went on a rampage in Naples and went charging through a grocery store saying they weren't leaving until they got their wagon wheels. I mean honestly - wagon wheels. Whoever heard of such gumf?

Well today is Saturday and...

(sound of car horn)

... Sod off, and you... bloody idiot drivers...

I've invited Alfred, Japan, Feliciano, Germany and Matthew down for today and tomorrow – on Sunday is the meeting and the rest should be arriving. Russia, God help us, Francis and Hungary. Oh yes I'm going to get my revenge on those two, just you wait. Spain, Austria, Switzy, Lily – I'm not sure why they're coming. Vash and Lily aren't in the Euro so I'm assuming Vash is coming to sneer at us. Let's see there's also Belgium... oh Lou I've missed you sweetie... hummm, where was I... yes, her brother Netherlands, odd bloke I hope he doesn't bring any more of that weird tobacco he smokes, Estonia and Finland so I'm assuming the other Vikings will be here. Dear Lord I hope not. Oh and my little sis Erin said she'll come and help out. I think she's hoping to see Russia again, unfortunately.

Dear Lord... (car horn sounds) ... and you, get off the road, bloody hooligan or learn to drive... oh it's Alfred. What the bloody hell in the name of cricket is he driving?

(sounds of car horn and banging on window) You're going the wrong way! Alfred! Alfred! You're going the wrong way! Idiot! Was that Kiku in the front of that thing? Poor lad, he looks terrified. Oh well, not my problem... (sounds of singing) See that girl, watch her scream, kicking the Dancing Queen ohohoh... damned strange lyrics... I love ABBA but honestly... you can't beat the Beatles.


Well here I am... Chillingham Castle and... how the bloody hell did he get here before me?

Rock out, dude! Arty this is just quaint. Look at that castle! Is it real?

How did you get here before me? You were going the wrong way?

Hahaha! I was only going the wrong way because it wasn't the way you went... right Kiku?

(sounds of vomiting)

He's not well.

I went the right way. And what the bloody hell are you driving?

Do you like it? It's a Chevy pick-up. Bit small though.

Small? It's bigger than my house!

Dude it is not, Kiku tell him.

America-kun, your driving was not very good, you should not drive so fast on Britain's roads.

What the bloody hell is wrong with my roads?

Dude, they suck. I nearly lost the whole of my truck in one. You could hide a small country in one of those potholes.

I wish - then we could get rid of Sealand. Talking of small and annoying countries...

Ve, England and America and Mr Japan! Ve! Is Germany here yet? I asked if I could come with him...

Ha! I bet you did...

Shut up, Alfred.

... but he said he was going sight-seeing and then he said he wanted to visit your South Coast.

He tried to do that back in 1940...

Dude?

Battle of Britain.

Dude?

Second World War, Alfred.

I thought we weren't going to mention the War, England-san?

... so I came on my own, but I saw Big Brother France at the airport with Big Brother Spain...

They're not bloody due until tomorrow.

...and I think I saw Mr Russia...

Or him.

... and Mr Canada was going through Animal Control with his pet polar bear...

What's he brought him for?

... and Mr Austria and Mr Switzerland were arguing with a man at the Currency Exchange...

What? Am I just talking to myself? When I sent out those invitations I might as well have just talked to the bloody wall. They take bugger all notice of dates. I bet those two are arriving early for a free bloody meal.

Ve... this is bello... I like castles... is it very old?

It was built in the 12th Century, Italy.

Haha it's nearly as old as you, Arty.

It will have many restless spirits then, England-san.

Whaaaaaaaat?

Oh yes, bwhahaha, many restless spirits.

You mean... like... g...g...g...ghosts?

I hope Luddy arrives soon... I might share a room with him. He will protect me, ve.

Can I share with you, Arty?

No you bloody well cannot.

Can I show you to your rooms? Mr Kirkland?

Yes, thank you. This is Mr Honda, this is Mr Vargas and Mr Jones. Some others will be along in a minute.

I want to share with dude Kirkland here, Miss erm... Maid Person.

Ooooh, erm I'm not sure... I mean...

Oh bloody hell.


Diane, I'm in my room. No scrub that, I'm in mine and Alfred's room. He absolutely insisted on sharing with me. That does not mean I'm gay. Of course not. I know it's a double bed... oh God... I will not, absolutely not being doing any huggles, cuddles or any other assorted touching tonight. Besides he has Mr Pillow and I will bloody well make sure that Mr Pillow is between us at all times. Why can't he bloody share with Kiku? Sod.

Anyway I have a cunning plan, I was hoping to have today to get it all sorted before those idiots arrive tomorrow, but anyway... They will all rue the day they laughed at me.

(knock on door)

Och aye, man!

Hamish! I'm glad you're here old chap. Has anyone seen you?

Nah, man. Nobody. I'm only here cos you promised me that I could deputise you at the next conference... I mean I'm bloody Scotland...

Yes, yes, alright, you're Scotland and hard as nails, I get it. You can attend the next conference instead of me.

Right, so what do you want me to do?

I already told you...

Yer did?

On the bloody phone... oh dear God, what is it with everyone? Has everyone got bloody short-term memory loss?

Eh? Wut?

Wut? What? Have you been talking to Russia?

Eh? Nah, why would I do that?

Is Erin here?

Aye, she's doonstairs talking to some little weirdo with his eyes shut.

Good...

... and some big blond bloke with sticky-up hair and a bloody great axe.

... tell me you're joking...

Aye, okay, I'm bloody joking.

I hope you are...

...Hmmm...

You have your stuff with you?

... you mean mah kilt?

Yes and those bloody Godawful things...

Aye, mah bagpipes, man.

Good, so you know what to do?

Aye, I reckon it'll be easy, man.

Wait for my signal.

Aye...

You don't remember it, do you?

Nah, man.

Oh for heaven's sake. I told you yesterday on the bloody phone! You've got your phone? You remembered it?

Aye, wait...

(Scotland the Brave sounds tinnily)

Right... that works then...

I just have to take this call...

It's me... you idiot.

But you're stood there, Arthur. Why are you ringing me when you're stood there? Ach, man, you're going around the bloody bend, so you are.

Do you remember the codeword?

Aye, it's tulip.

No, it's not.

Parsnip?

No, it's not bloody parsnip!

There's no need to bloody swear, Arthur yer big eejit.

It's Rosebud... Rosebud...

Aye.

Right. Deep breaths. Remember, we're not here to actually give them a heart attack?

Aye. Oh and Arthur?

What?

That big Russkie that Erin's been texting?

Oh dear Lord.

I saw him driving a little Fiat the wrong way down a one way street in Alnwick an hour ago.

No, oh no.

Aye. I think he'd just been to the supermarket...

So, he's arriving bloody early as well, bloody Feliciano was right. Oh well.

Aye and there was a big blond bugger in the car with him...

Eh?

Aye, and a smaller blond lad in the back.

Who on earth? Was one of them wearing glasses?

Aye, that's right. Do you know them?

Sweden and Finland. Well I suppose Sweden was bound to come if Finland was here... In a car with Russia?

You're talking to yerself agin. It's no good yer know. Yer carry on like that and I'll have to take over as Britain...

I may as bloody well talk to myself because nobody bloody well listens to me.

Right, remember what happens tomorrow?

Aye.

You don't, do you?

Aye, high noon.

And who was it again?

Francis.

And?

Oh shit...

Hamish, I need your help on this...

I know you do, but she scares the pants off me.

Hungary... she humiliated me, Hamish.

Aye, well that's yer bloody look-out.

No, it's not. I'm the personification of the United bloody Kingdom and I will not stand for that chit of a girl humiliating me... I could have been injured. And so what if you're scared of her? I'm bloody not.

Good job, man, she's standing right behind yer.

Aaaaaaaaaargh!

Hahaha, yer bloody great fool.

I hate you with all my heart.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha.


... and I told that oaf that the currency exchange is 0.8482 but they said 0.8483, they absolutely conned us, didn't they, Vash?

Ja. We only got £20 and 53 pence and we should have got £20 and 56 pence. You were right to argue, Austria.

You guys are arguing over three pence?

It's the principle of the thing.

And you and Switzerland only came here with £20? Seriously?

Ja, I should hope that England would provide all our meals and reimburse our travel expenses.

Big bruder can I go up to my room?

Nein, Lily, not until I have checked it out, and made sure you are nowhere near Spain, France, Russia, Netherlands, Denmark or America.

Bloody hell, Vash! How in the bloody hell are you going to do that? Shove her in the North Wing or something?

There is a North Wing?

Do the rooms have locks? I have my wallet to think of...

Yes, I mean you don't want anyone to steal your twenty pounds do you?

Get in! Dude Alfie! Yo!

Yo Dude Den!

Woohoo!

Haven't seen you since Naples!

Woohoo great meeting! Susan and Finn were going crazy over some lame-arse biscuits. I had to bail them out.

Dear Lord, the world has gone mad.

Are they coming here?

What in the name of Winston are you doing here anyway?

Dude Alfie invited me.

It's not your bloody job to invite people.

Got to have my dudes here.

Please, please don't tell me you invited...

Kesese... yo! One man party coming through...

Oh no... why do I even bother? I may as well just ring the fire brigade now.

Yo ladies! Hang on to your knitting! Got the beer! Just seen fat commie bastard and your mom and dad down the road, Den.

Prussia, are they coming here?

They were stood at the side of the road...

Doing what?

Dunno, waiting for a bus, waiting for a personality transplant, being totally un-awesome, who knows?

I thought they were in a car?

Kesese, car didn't look too good. Little shitty Fiat?

I believe so - so somebody said.

Ha! Looked like it was hugging a tree.

Have you seen Luddy, Mr Prussia?

Bruder? Nein? He's not here?

Well he wouldn't bloody ask would he, if he was?

Dunno... little weirdo.

I don't want to sleep on my own tonight...

Honhonhon, you do not have to, my little Italia...

What the bloody hell in the name of arse are you doing here? All of you lot are not due til tomorrow.

You invited me today, Arty.

Apart from you, Alfred.

And me, England-san.

And you.

Oh so you have your favourites, non? The American Engleesh special relationship, non? And with Japan? Honhonhon, it is a ménage e trois, non?

Shut the bloody hell up Francy-pants.

(sounds of woman screaming)

Eh? France? Have you? Did you? You dirty...

Non, I am stood here, l'Angleterre... even I am not so good...

What?

Que?

(more screams are heard)

It's coming from upstairs!

Lily! Lily! I'm coming!

(sounds of ringtone) Hamish, Hamish, are you there?

Aye.

What are you doing? I didn't give you the codeword.

What?

I said I didn't give you the codeword. And I certainly don't want you to ...

(sounds of rifle shots)

... scare Lily...

Eh?

It wasn't you?

Nah, I'm in the kitchen with the servants, eating some Dundee cake.

Well, who the bloody hell?

(sounds of bleep as phone is switched off)

Lily? Are you alright?

It was terrible. It was floating and it was white... Oh Mr England! It was a ghost!

(To be continued...)


Author's Notes:

Alnwick – a town in Northumberland

Chillingham Castle – a very real castle in Northumberland – supposedly the most haunted castle in England (the author has actually visited this place and it is very atmospheric)

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