Chapter 11: I'm Just not the Same Since there's Rain in My Head pt. 1
Harry heaved a sigh as he plopped down onto a window seat in the Potter Library. It had rained everyday since Lucius and Severus' rescue, and Harry was starting to think that the weather's behavior was more than just coincidence. It seemed as if mother nature had gotten an urge to mirror the feelings of three of her most beloved wizards at Grimmauld Place.
After Lucius had finished the incantation, the abused wizard had slumped into a coma right on top of the kitchen table. The Order had rushed to revive Severus and heal Lucius' wounds, but it was obvious after Lucius' body was healed that the coma had nothing to do with his injuries and everything to do with his mates. They had moved him to his bed, where he immediately began to thrash as if in the throws of an argument. The Order had encouraged Severus and Harry both to talk to Lucius, but after Lucius replied with repeated and urgent "I'm sorry's" and "Forgive me's" the Order had realized that the coma was a type self-induced punishment.
They all reasoned that maybe Lucius was punishing himself for not being strong enough to reach out to his mates on his own. Maybe he felt that he had let his mates down by "letting" Voldemort force him to reveal them. There were so many maybes, and Harry and Severus, separately of course, had tried to reason with their distraught and unconscious mate. They had tried everything from "It's ok, I forgive you" to "Wake up, damn you!", but Lucius continued on in his coma, seemingly unaware of his surroundings.
Though Harry and Severus knew that they were each others mates, they still avoided each other at all costs. Yes, Severus did admire Harry for his courage and intelligence, but he still couldn't reconcile the knowledge he had of the young man and his hate for the young man's father. Even now, just hearing the last name "Potter" seemed to make him stand on edge, angry and irritated over old hurts. A huge part of him still saw a mini-me James, and was not willing to look for differences instead of similarities.
For his part, Harry had just chosen to ignore the "Snape as a mate" issue all together. Though he had learned to forgive Severus for Albus' death and had become rather fond of Lucius over the past few months, Harry was still not willing to just throw years of baggage out the window. Severus had given Harry hell at school for years, and had often made the young man miserable. Harry of course knew that this treatment was so that Severus could save face in front of the soon-to-be death eaters in the class, but knowing still didn't take the sting out of some of Severus' actions. Severus could be downright cruel when he wanted to be and, acting or not, his words often hurt. Harry didn't want to be bonded to someone who would hurt him like that.
Draco was now a great friend of Harry, and for that Harry was more inclined to give Lucius a shot. The fact that the man had been tortured definitely gave him a card of sympathy from Harry, but that, too, couldn't cover for everything the elder Malfoy had done. Yes, Harry knew the man had been threatened and forced, but the episode with the diary still made Harry a bit queasy when he remembered it. Also, Harry wondered about Lucius' treatment of Dobby. Had the man really beaten another living being? Harry remember that Dobby had been terrified of Lucius. Was there a violent side to the man that Harry just hadn't seen in a while? All of these were questions to be answered before he agreed to give the "mate thing" a go.
"I am sick of hearing that man say 'sorry'. One more time and I might just shake him."
Harry turned to see Severus sweeping into the library. The older man had been in with Lucius for an hour trying to see if today would be the day his friend finally woke.
"I don't think violence is the answer." Harry deadpanned. The shaking idea had crossed his mind, also. "Besides, he already thrashes enough to constitute as a good shaking. I'm often surprised that he doesn't wake himself up with all that tossing and turning….I wonder what he's dreaming."
Severus sighed, himself, as he eased into a chair near Harry's perch. "Who knows. I thought to use a spell and enter his dreams, but with the forced entering from Voldemort that he recently experienced, I didn't want to stress him even more, or worse, lose his trust when he realizes what I've done."
Harry nodded in agreement. There was a lull of silence, and then Harry sat up straighter and turned to Severus.
"Are you ever sorry?" He suddenly asked. Severus gave a start and turned to face Harry more fully.
"Sorry? About what?"
"Sorry for the things you've said." Harry said this as if it were obvious what Severus should be sorry for.
"Mr. Pot..." Severus paused, took a breath, and started again. "Harry…There are many things I am sorry for. You have to specify…And if this is about Albus, then you already know that I regret that moment with every fiber of my being." Harry took a pause, and then tried to clarify what he meant about "being sorry".
"…..Were you ever sorry for the things you said and did to me when you were my professor?" Severus blinked.
"No…" Harry stood, ready to storm angrily from the room, but Severus reached out to catch Harry's wrist. He ended up latching onto the young man's hand instead. "At the time, no. Harry,…what you have to realize is that I didn't know your background… No, let me finish…Albus had told me that you were spoiled. He described to me a youth that was a carbon copy of his father, arrogant and self-centered." Severus gently moved Harry back to his seat. "I didn't know about the Dursleys , or the cupboard, or anything for that matter. All I knew when I walked into that office the day before you arrived was that I couldn't be cruel to a boy who had been made an orphan….Albus had prepared for this, and had just pushed the right buttons needed for me to save face… I realize now that he was just feeding me what I needed to hear, and if I had looked I would've recognized that, but I was desperate for a way to cover my sympathy for an eleven year old child…No, I wasn't ever sorry…and I'm not sorry that it helped me save face.
Now, if you're asking me if I'm sorry that I hurt you…yes, I can see that I must've hurt you if you feel the need to ask for my apology…then yes, I am sorry that I have hurt you. As I get to know your true background and you….You, Harry, not a mini-me James…I find that you are nothing like you father except for the courage and determination that you have.
Truly, you don't really look that much like him, either. Your features are finer, you're of a slighter build than he was, and your eyes are definitely everything and nothing like your mother's. Now that your glasses are gone, I really only see him in your hair and a few of your expressions." Harry had calmed, and was now listening intently to Severus. Neither noticed that the former professor still held the younger man's hand in a gentle grasp. "I am sorry for many of the things I have done in my life, and I am sorry that I have hurt you…Can you forgive me?" Severus waited for Harry to process his soft and sincere speech.
"Yes…I think I can forgive you." They sat together for a long time, lost in their own thoughts and for the first time truly comfortable in each other's presence.
"I still wonder what he dreams."
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AN: Hello again!! Sorry I took so long in putting this chapter up. I've just been stuck with a bit of writer's block and personal drama. Theatre kid…Who'd a thunk it? PLEASE REVIEW THIS ONE!!! I only got two reviews for the last chapter (hence the writer's block)…so tell me what you thought of that one, too! And yes, the Title is from a Shel Silverstein poem. Until next time, dearies!
