The Urban Safari c11
Lady Sybil Ramkin knocked in the last nail, humming cheerfully as she went about her work. Behind her, two of the Ramkin family groundsmen stood, trying to conceal their sense of offended propriety at Her Ladyship doing what should have been their job. They both had animal cages to hand.
"Right, chaps, you can release them now" she commanded, rising up from her hassock. She replaced the hammer into her tool-belt. Purity, the nanny, took a firmer grip of Young Sam as he excitedly leant forward to see the funny new animals. Sybil smiled. She had been assured that they were harmless, and in any case their description had quite obligingly been right at the very front of the encyclopaedia of wildlife.
She smiled, contentedly, as the aardvarks scampered into the enclosure she had prepared for them, right in the most ant infested corner of the grounds.
"Tuck in, you men!" she commanded them. "There's plenty for everybody!"
After five weeks on short-rations of the Dibbler kind, the aardvarks obliged her by tucking in with a passion. This was truly Anteater Heaven, the place where good aardvarks went after they died…
Sybil Ramkin nodded, then went to check on the welfare of the warthogs that were temporarily housed in a redundant dragon-pen. She made a mental note to talk Sam into inviting that clever Howondalandian girl around for dinner one night. Assassin she may be, but she is also my kind of young gel. A passion for animals and the ability to get things done. She'll love the dragons!
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The clever young Howondalandian gel moved through the Palace with ease and confidence. A Palace Guard sporting a badly blacked eye tried to shrink into the shelter of a pillar and look inconspicuous as she passed. Ponder mooched along beside her, fully expecting the outstretched palm any second which says "Come No Further!"
From a distance, a chorus of roaring, honking, grunting and growling soared up from the direction of the menagerie. Ponder wondered about how the human inhabitants were going to put up with it, as it was really quite loud. His nose also caught a whiff of…
Rufus Drumknott, personal secretary to the Patrician, came to meet them as they approached the waiting-room for the Oblong Office.
"Miss Smith-Rhodes. Everyone's ready for you." He paused, and added: "His Lordship bade me come and find you personally to save any more communication breakdowns with the Palace Guard. He also suspected Professor Stibbons might be in attendance on you, and he is desirous that he be present in our discussion to speak for the University. There are certain academic issues which may require a University spokesman to express an opinion, you see."
"Why me?" asked Ponder.
Drumknott shrugged.
"Because you're here? Because you were deeply involved yesterday? For which, by the way, His Lordship is most pleased. While it's never wise to second-guess his thoughts or actions on any given situation, he may be in a mood to express gratitude."
Johanna caught the very fleeting suspicion of a hint in the air.
"I understand thet with the recent necessery expension of the Civil Service, your pelece clerks ere running short of space to work in?"
Drumknott nodded, sadly. "Alas so, madam. The problem is one of space into which to expand. His Lordship knows my thoughts on the issue and is sympathetic, but even he cannot conjur a new wing to the Palace out of thin air."
Another loud chorus of roaring, honking, grunting and growling soared up from the direction of the menagerie. Drumknott winced.
"Speaking for myself, you understand, and for the Secretariat, I'm given to understand those animals are only being lodged here temporarily? The noise.. and the longer it goes on, the smell…"
She nodded, understandingly. "I hev quite a few ideas to present to his Lordship concerning the future disposition of the enimels. . You may perheps see a fringe benefit of use to yourself."
He smiled, and stepped forward. Johanna half-turned, smiled at Ponder in a way that made him tingle agreeably, and said
"Thenk you for being here for me, Ponder."
Then she impulsively stepped forward and kissed him on the lips, quickly.
In the distance, a voice said
"Your zoological advisor, sir. Miss Smith-Rhodes of the Guild of Assassins. And Professor Stibbons, representing Unseen University."
She took his arm and stepped forwards with him.
"Capital! We're all here!" Vetinari said, agreeably. He added, with some concern,
"Professor Stibbons, you look very red and out of breath. I trust you've not been exerting yourself unduly?"
"Nnnnghhh."
Johanna kicked him smartly on the ankle. He recovered quickly.
"No, sir. I'm honoured to be here!"
She looked around the room. A small gathering of civic dignitaries. Sam Vimes; Harry King, who rolled the cigar from one corner of his mouth to the other ands regarded her with interest; a handcuffed and woebegone Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler; Lord Downey, who gave her a slightly puzzled but not unfriendly look; her uncle Pieter van der Graaf, the Howondalandian Ambassador; Adorah Belle Dearheart of the Golem Trust; and the grim and scary Doctor Whiteface of the Fools' Guild.
They took seats.
Vetinari steepled his fingers and smiled. Drumknott took up station behind him and to the right, pencil and paper poised.
"I'm sure we are all unanimous in expressing our unreserved thanks to Miss Smith-Rhodes for the sterling task she took on yesterday, in co-ordinating this city's resources in dealing so effectively with the massive escape of wild animals that took place in Hide Park. The recovery of all the animals was accomplished with only three human casualties, two of which I believe were self-inflicted, and the unfortunate, ah, culling, of three most dangerous feral apes. Most remarkably of all, Arch-chancellor Ridcully was deterred from firing even a single shot, and this in itself is perhaps worth the heartfelt thanks of the City!"
Vetinari paused, and added "The response provided by the City Watch is also noted, as is Sir Samuel's ability to set pride and position aside, in that he acknowledged overall control of the operation should reside with the person who best knew the problems we were dealing with. Thank you, Sir Samuel. And Professor Stibbons several times set aside his personal fears and provided invaluable aerial assistance to the operation. The actions of a brave young man."
Ponder reddened again, especially since Johanna was smiling at him. He really wanted the gloomy anonymity of the HEM and Ridcully bellowing at him, everything back to normal…but then I'd never have met Johanna.
"I feel, however, that it's only fair to advise Miss Smith-Rhodes that the Thieves' Guild Council have put in a very strong official complaint."
Vetinari paused. The pause was filled by the stifled stuttering wheeze of somebody, or several somebodies, desperately suppressing a laugh. The Patrician held up a copy of the Times.
"I'm sure you've been too busy today to see this." he said, affably. "But the front page reads Have Immigration Controls Failed? The Times has learnt that a new criminal mastermind has arrived from Howondaland. This comment flanks an iconograph of Miss Smith-Rhodes and Commander Vimes, looking down on a large ape of the genus Pan Troglodyctus, to which, we learn, Miss Smith-Rhodes (29) once assigned the name "Mr Boggis" She is quoted as saying "Back home, I captured and tagged this chimpanzee as I know it to have led its troop in raids on orchards and fruit farms. Calling it "Mister Boggis" only seemed right and proper, as did calling the troop "The Thieves' Guild".
Stifled giggling was breaking out.
Vetinari turned to the inside pages.
"The mood of levity is even continued on the cartoon page. The main political cartoon shows Commander Vimes, supervising criminal iconographs being taken of a very shifty and criminal looking chimpanzee who is holding up a blackboard, upon which is chalked a criminal number and the name "Boggis" . In the background, a watchwoman looking vaguely alike to Sergeant Angua is talking to a huntress in safari dress, who looks not unlike Miss Smith-Rhodes, and they are agreeing that in terms of good looks and gentlemanly behaviour, the new Mister Boggis is a hell of an improvement on the old one."
Unrestrained laughter broke out. Even Vetinari smiled.
As silence resumed, Johanna (who had noticed Lord Downey had laughed louder and harder than most) took the floor and said, as demurely as she could manage
"I'm sorry Mr Boggis – thet is, the human Mr Boggis – feels offended. Thet really wesn't my intention. I'm sorry he isn't here, or I would be sincerely asking him to eccept the possibility thet the comparison wes meant es a tribute end a compliment."
Vetinari raised an eyebrow.
"Sir, at the Essessins' Guild, we named our houses of study efter enimels which in their ways ere the essessins of the enimel world. The scorpion, the bleck widow spider, the viper, the cobra, and so on. These ere meant as tributes, to point our students et enimels they would do well to emulate end study. In exectly the same way, the chimpanzee is the superb end outstending netural thief among the enimels. The chimp is a born thief. A gifted thief. It will steal anything thet cetches its eye, however well guarded. Yesterday, I saw one steal a mug of tea from the hends of a thirsty Watchman! This is truly the totem enimel of the Thief, and should be the enimel eny good Thief should study end wetch end learn from. But then, I cannot tell the Thieves' Guid whet it should do."
"Your point, made with eloquence, is noted, Miss Smith-Rhodes." Vetinari replied. "You may be sure I will communicate it to Mr Boggis, with the suggestion he accepts it as apology. But to move on. I note that there has been a lot of building work going on to the rimwards side of the city this morning. Quite a lot of golems marched out to the site owned by Mr Dibbler, upon which he proposed to establish his safari park which has been at the root of all this recent trouble. Large enclosures are being put up with speed – and nothing works faster than golems – which would seem ideally sized, if only by coincidence, to contain groups of the animals rescued and recaptured yesterday. Would you care to comment, Miss smith-Rhodes?"
Lord Downey coughed, delicately. She turned to him.
"The current estimated costs to the Guild of yesterday's operation – and I have to pass on the whole-hearted congratulations of the Dark Council for a task impeccably carried out – now stand at just over three thousand dollars. Not counting an additional ten thousand dollars in Guild bonds which you drew from Mr Winvoe yesterday. I'm sure every penny of that was well-spent and can be accounted for, but at this point, as Guild Master, I have to raise a hand and question the value of any further expenditure…"
Johanna nodded, seemingly submissively.
"Es a member of the Guild, my Lord, I cen only egree with you. Which is why I propose to spend the remaining ten thousend dollars with extreme care, end with every intention of providing a long-term result which meets ell the criteria for cost-effectiveness end intelligent investment of the Guild's resources!"
Downey sat back, looking consternated.
Almost on cue, a barrage of animal noises rose up from the direction of the menagerie and a faint whiff of something stronger and more pungent than mere farmyard wafted across the room. She smiled.
"Sir, merely recepturing those enimels was only half the job done. Now we hev them all eccounted for, we must consider whet to do with them next. I'm sure Mr Drumknott and those who are permanently based here will by now egree thet the Pelece Menagerie is only, et best, an interim solution, end thet number of large enimels cannot remain here permanently?"
She saw Drumknott nodding fervently. Good.
"This is why I interpreted my remit from the Guild in the broadest possible sense, and made arrangements this morning to build the large secure enclosures on thet lend which Mr Dibbler had set eside for his safari park. Elthough the lend is Dibbler's, he cennot argue with it being used for the purpose he himself wished, no?"
All eyes looked at Dibbler, who nodded miserably.
"Like it or not, these enimels now belong to the City end the City must dispose of them. We hev a duty to look after them responsibly end humanely. Which is why enimels requiring a large space to run in are going to get living space sufficient for their needs. Lord Downey, how would it look, from a public relations point of view, if the Guild took the time and trouble to rescue and recepture these enimels, only to let them die through neglect, through whet the public would perceive es a reluctance by a very rich Guild to commit the financial resources to complete the job? This would not look good, especially in view of your own expressed wish thet we should be seen es public-minded good citizens and responsble members of the community".
She paused to let this sink in, and said:
"Sir, there are other espects of the situation to consider. It may well be politicelly advantageous for these enimels to be seen as a free gift from the government and people of Rimwards Howondaland, made in a spirit of goodwill and friendship to the people of Ankh-Morpork. When thet becomes known, and I'm sure Onkle Pi…. that is, the Embessador… has press releases ready to give to the Times, and speeches to make to this effect, then the thought of destroying them all es expensive and inconvenient would be seen es en insult to my people."
Johanna smiled first at her uncle, and then at Vetinari, to reinforce the point.
"And I know, from ettending Embassy receptions end being close to the Embessador, thet there is an issue with providing the eventual replacements for Roderick and Keith, who are elderly creatures who will not live for ever. I'm sure the Embessador would be glad to go to the lakeside in Hide Park, with the Times in attendance, and formally announce that we have come to the rescue and provided Ankh-Morpork with the hippopotami which will be the eventual replacements for Roderick and Keith as the City's totem enamels. Again these are given in a spirit of friendship and goodwill. Now, my Lord, I em not a politician nor em I a diplomat…"
"You seem to be doing alright so far." Vetinari observed.
"…but Ankh-Morpork may perheps wish to make an unforced reciprocel gesture, such es grenting Most Favoured Nation trade status, or perhaps relexing certain taxes and import controls. But Onkle Piet – I'm sorry, the Embessador – would know the finer details of such metters."
Vetinari smiled.
"The fine details may, as you say, be discussed with mijnheer van der Graaf."
"Oh, most certainly!" the ambassador agreed, feeling a deeper family pride.
"But to return to the question of the Zoological Gardens" Johanna said.
"I propose that ell the enimels recaptured yesterday be moved to purpose-built enclosures at the new site, as end when they become ready. In keeping with previous conversations with you concerning the future of the Pelece Menegerie, I also propose that the last enimels normally resident at the Menegerie elso be moved to the new Park. The buildings end structures of the Menegerie may then be dismantled end anything of use rebuilt in the Gardens. The edventage of this, my Lord, is thet the Menegerie site becomes available for redevelopment to suit the changing needs of the Pelece. Perheps to build an office extension to house the new Secretariats, for Defence, Public Health, Education end City Works. But thet is for yourself end Mr Drumknott to work out."
Vetinari nodded. Drumknott nodded even more emphatically. Another hint of meta-farmyard wafted over all their noses.
"There would be certain advantages, yes. But who meets the costs of the Zoological Gardens?"
"Well, sir, I heve here ten thousand dollars of investment cepitel from the Guild of Essessins. I would elso look for private investors to provide other sums. The Guild would remain principal investor, end would hold a majority share, end es the fecility grows end metures, we would then hold a major interest in an unperelleled and unique research, teaching and scientific site. It would perheps need twenty thousand dollars in investment cepitel, but once established, it would be open to the public in a way in which the Menegerie currently isn't. Visitors, et maybe fifty pence per edult and twenty-five per child, would bring in a stream of income as they come to view the enimels. Other ideas, such as an insect house and a butterfly sanctuary, would ect es an extension of the very valuable work my colleague Mrs Bellamy is carrying out in the botanical facility et the Guild School. Her work in breeding rare plents is currently a significant revenue stream for the Guild, as Lord Downey is aware.
"I elso have a long-term project in preparation, which is to establish and observe a breeding colony of swemp dregons in their netural hebitet, es opposed to their being bred for show end es domestic pets. This could be done at the Zoo, end it is possible thet Lady Sybil Ramkin might be persuaded to come in as an advisor on thet project. In fect, Lady Sybil might be a great esset on the menegement trust of the Gardens?"
Sam Vimes smiled. "I'll put it to her. She'd bite your hand off, AND probably bring you the other ten grand a year you need to make this thing work!"
Johanna nodded.
"Over time, I see the current post-and-wire enclosures being replaced with purpose-designed hebitets. The Guild of Architects might enjoy the chellenge. And with a facility a couple of miles outside the City, thought should be given to issues such as providing refreshments. Hot end cold drinks. Food, light snecks. Sausage-inna-bun, perhaps. Souvenir shops, es the children visiting might like to take home a stuffed toy enimel or en informative booklet.. Ell, of course, subject to City sales tax. I would propose Mr Dibbler to ménage thet side of things, end as Head of Marketing and Catering, to have a seat on the Trust board. It's his idea and his land, efter ell!"
Dibbler smiled up at her. His look suggested that things weren't as bad as he'd thought.
"Thank you, miss" he said.
"Noblesse oblige" replied Johanna. "And you hev your strengths, mr Dibbler. I want to see round pegs in round holes here, es the seying goes!"
"Who does the work?" Adora Belle Dearheart inquired. "You know, feeds the animals, mucks them out, shovels the shit."
"This is where you come in." Johanna said. "Enyone working with enimels knows the most dangerous time is if you hev to enter the cage, for whatever reason. Peopel hev to enter the cages regularly. To provide food and fresh bedding. To clean up and remove waste and soiled remnants. While I went my students et the Guild to hev a taste of this, we cennot be there twenty-four and eight. Therefore the keepers would be a permanent steff composed of golems, if I can get them, end trolls if I cennot. A zookeeper who cannot be bitten or mauled or gored, end who does not mind the smell of shit! And I saw yesterday thet the golem Dorfl had exectly the right combination of kindness and firmness with the enimels. I appreciate thet."
Harry King cleared his throat.
"And speaking of shit, miss, I heard that yesterday, you said I'd pay to take it away from you. By all accounts you were very confident about that. Now you Assassins are not overconfident, you get that beaten out of you at an early age! Care to enlighten me, miss? I know you're not wasting my time nor anyone else's!"
"Mr King!" she said. "Heve you not heard about gardening and farming in Howondaland? People who hev private gardens hev the usual problem of keeping enimels out, thet might otherwise dig things up, or eat their crops, or, like cats and dogs, be incontinent everywhere. People in the large towns end the cities will pey, real money, for lion and leopard dung to put in their gardens. The wey it works, is thet a small enimel comes elong thet might otherwise be a nuisance. It smells the lion dung on the breeze. To its mind, this tells it thet a lion is near. It runs eway end steys out of thet garden, rather than risk becoming lion dung itself, in the fullness of time. Do you see how it works, Mr King? It deters small pest enimels from entering. With clever marketing, whet you buy from me at fifty pence a bucket, you cen then sell for two dollars a bucket. There ere many gardeners and ellotment owners in this city!"
Harry King smiled a long slow smile.
"I knew you wouldn't be wasting my time, miss!"
Vetinari smiled.
"We seem to be in agreement and approval here. Professor Stibbons, could you advance what thre University's viewpoint is likely to be on this?"
Ponder cleared his throat.
"As you know, sir, the University has its own small animal-management projects, although nothing on the same scale that Miss Smith-Rhodes currently manages. We also offer degrees in cryptozoology and quasizoology, which are related to, but subtly different from, the sort of tuition in mundane zoology that Miss Smith-Rhodes offers her students."
"Would you care to define the terms, Professor?"
"Neither degree is in my academic field, my Lord, but I understand cryptozoology deals with the study of elusive and often magical animals which have been proven to exist in the world or for which good evidence exists, even though final proof is elusive. It would also employ the same scientific disciplines as conventional zoology, ie classification, study of lifestyles, ecology and habitat. As you know, the Univesity has evolved its own local ecosystem, in terms of 0.303" Bookworms, kick-stool crabs and Critters in the Library, Ridcully's Epithetical Insects, and so on right down to localised species of bedbugs, ants and rats, which have developed greater sentience and social organisation. Quasizoology deals with the study of imaginary animals - although in a magical environment these can suddenly become very real. Witness the business with the Noble Dragon some years ago. Or animals thought extinct on our world which may, if the circumstances are right, re-enter it, such as unicorns. I dealt with one such in Lancre several years ago."
Ponder, his mind honed by years of communicating with the Faculty, was finding it quite pleasant to talk to people whose intelligence was differently focused. It was quite refreshing.
"As for our current involvement with animals, we breed tree frogs for medical purposes. One of many jobs the Archchancellor saw fit to devolve on me is ensuring the Bursar receives the continuing medication that enables him to function. Miss Smith-Rhodes assures me she has to do much the same for the Assassins' Guild treasurer, who appears to have a simiar dysfunction to our Bursar. I'm fairly sure that I speak for the Archchancellor when I suggest that the University and the Guild could cut costs by combining our research and production of dried frog pills and similar generic medications. We're getting some interesting results, for instance, with experimental dried toad pills using Bufo Calamita and Bufo Alvarius as a base. But Archchancellor Ridcully is always keen to identify areas where costs can be cut, and as ourselves and the Assassins' Guild are conducting parellel work with the same end in mind, it would make very great sense to combine and pool our resources."
"That seems reasonable." Lord Downey said. "perhaps, Miss Smith-Rhodes, you could, er, liaise with Professor Stibbons and come up with a working plan?"
With an extremely straight face, he added
"This would mean the two of you working closely together, of course. But I'm sure you could work out your own arrangements."
Johanna nodded at him and smiled enigmatically.
Ponder hurried on.
"The Archchancellor recently discovered the Department of Thaumaturgy maintains a colony of tigers somewhere in the University. We're assured they are safely contained, but the prevailing opinion in the Faculty is that the sooner we move our big cats on, the better. Besides, Mr Ridcully was not happy when he saw the food bill."
_"Whet do you keep tigers for, Ponder.....Professor?" Johanna asked. Ponder sighed.
"It's a hangover from the old superstitious dribbly-candle days of magic, I'm afraid." he said. "In the old days, certain bodily parts and fluids extracted from tigers were thought of as most important in spellcasting. Things have moved on, thank goodness, but as a result of a long-dead Archchancellor decreeing the University should keep tigers close to hand rather than have to send time-consuming expeditions out to find them, we still have a population on the strength. Oh, and we apparently also keep alligators for the same reason. The Archchancellor was most insistent that they be moved."
He turned to Johanna.
"On behalf of the University, would the City Zoological Gardens accept the gift?"
"Only if you promise to tell me more ebout unicorns, Professor. Now one of those in the Zoo..."
"So the University wishes to divest itself of its residual animal-handling functions as soon as can decently be arranged." Vetinari summated. "This too can be accomodated."
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The idea of a City Zoological Gardens was unanimously passed. Long-term planning was to be in the hands of a management trust headed jointly by a senior Assassin and, if she agreed, Lady Sybil Ramkin. Other seats would rotate around representatives of other Guilds, to be elected annually.
Day to day animal management was to be in the hands of the Assassins' Guild School's Department of Zoology, Botany and Nature Studies.
And Johanna now had her large animal management facility.
Oh, and speeches were made at the appointed times, Vetinari and the Ambassador were seen and photographed in formal handshakes, and new treaties and articles of agreement were signed between Ankh-Morpork and the Union of Rimwards Howondaland.
.
