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chapter eleven

When Edward has to be idle, he taps his fingers. He drums and drums and drums as I'm reading aloud from Life After Life and when he's waiting for me to finish my bowl of soup at dinner and when Jasper is too busy making out with Alice to show up at their gig on time.

So right now, I can see him off stage, fingers going a mile a minute on his thigh. He catches my eye and they slow and his shoulders relax, just slightly. I throw him a thumbs up and he rolls his eyes.

It's almost time for them to go on and I'm getting my phone out to call Alice when I feel someone bump into my side. It's her, of course, and I see Jasper meet up with Edward, holding his hands up in apology.

"You have lipstick smeared on your chin," I say once I return my attention to her. She grins sheepishly, swiping at the spot.

"Edward's going to kill you both," I tell her and she just laughs. She and Jasper have been practically glued at the mouth for six weeks. I'm surprised she even let him go back to Texas without her for thanksgiving.

The lights dim before she can say anything and we start whistling. It's our fourth Avenir show but I still can't get used to how it feels to see Edward step onto the stage. It's this moment that I feel glad that Jacob declined my invitation to come with us tonight, claiming he wasn't feeling well. This is all mine now. I let my eyes close, waiting for the sound of his voice.

"We're Avenir, thanks for coming."

Ben counts to four and starts the beat, Edward and Jasper joining him a second later. I open my eyes again, ready for him.

His hair is flopping over his eyes as he focuses on how his fingers are arranging themselves on the neck of his guitar and when he leans into the microphone, my heart jumps to my throat. His eyelids are heavy, his lips so close to the mic.

The feeling's old but new to me

"Is this new?" Alice whispers and I nod, my heart hammering away.

I guess I'm scared to death

There's something about the way his voice is heavy, strained. There's so much emotion I feel like it's going to bowl me over.

When I look at you, I'm caught off guard a time or two,

He looks up and finds me. I'm right where I always am, hanging on his every word.

I've been staring way too long and you're done talking

I would give anything to kiss him. It's the first time I've admitted that to myself.

Not to mention I've stopped breathing

I'm such a mess

So am I, I mouth before I can stop myself and his eyes drift shut as he screams the last line.

And I know you won't be mine.


Right before it's time to leave for winter break, Edward and I are sitting in his living room waiting for Rose and Emmett to meet us so we can all go to dinner. Oktoberfest went as planned. Since then, I think every night has been a sex night.

"I'm just saying, it's a very underrated movie," Edward tells me, his head in my lap as he drums his fingers on his thighs.

"The remake of the Pink Panther?" I clarify.

"Yeah, the one with Beyoncé. A cinematic classic."

"I can never tell if you're just messing with me," I sigh, tapping my shoes together as my feet are propped up on the coffee table. I check my phone. They should've been downstairs five minutes ago.

"Should I go get them?" I ask.

"Only if you want to be scarred for life. Alice and Jasper are going to be late anyways. Is that Jessica girl coming?"

"No," I say. Thankfully, she left two days ago.

"Oh, okay," he says and continues his drumming.

"Jasper and I have been talking about dropping out and focusing completely on Avenir," he tells me quietly after a moment of silence. I try to process this information.

"Why drop out?" I ask, my brow furrowing.

"I mean, the only way we're really going to get our name out there is through touring. And if we only do the summers…it's too much time between."

"But…what about school?"

"School isn't going to get me a record deal."

"Okay but what if that doesn't pan out," I say but I instantly regret it. He sits up immediately.

"Doesn't mean I don't want to give it my best shot, Bella," he says and I hear the hurt in his voice.

"I'm sorry, I mean, I think you guys are great, I don't doubt you I just…that's risky."

"You gotta take risks for the important stuff," he says and I close my eyes. I think of Jacob's plan, I think of my plan.

There's no chance to take, no risk.

Neither Jacob nor I are going to be living in a shitty studio apartment like my mom.

I look at Edward's messy hair, his torn up jeans and his scratched glasses. He's said he can get a new pair anytime; he just hasn't gotten around to it.

School is the only thing I know that won't let me down.

I think about the creative writing class I shouldn't take.

I feel like I'm going to rupture something I'm so frustrated. I want the security but does that mean I'm compromising happiness? Or will that security and stability bring happiness with it?

"Woah, who died?" Emmett's voice booms from the doorway. We're on opposite ends of the couch, our expressions grim.

"Are you ready to go?" Edward asks them, his voice low.

We follow them out the door, and I've never felt more distant from Edward Cullen. We sit at the Mexican restaurant downtown, the inside warm as snow starts to fall outside. Everyone is smiling except for me and except for Edward.

Alice toasts us with a diet coke, her high voice telling us that she's going to miss us over the next month. She's the closest one to me in terms of distance; her home is a little south of Seattle. We're hoping to get together at least once.

Rose checks the weather every five minutes, freaking out that her flight back to New York tomorrow afternoon is going to be cancelled at any moment.

The boys laugh over their plans, they'll all be spending the break in Chicago together. Jasper's setting up camp at Edward's parents' house as they work on their next album.

I sit at the end of the table, far from Edward, and keep to myself. I'm quiet and anxious and I feel like I could cry at any moment.

I'm getting sick of myself. This wave of self-loathing crashes over me so hard that I get up from the table and stumble my way outside. My breathing is hard and my vision is blurring. The cold air helps but I'm still gasping, my hands shaking.

Why can't you just be happy with what you have?

Why are you so afraid?

Just stop stop stop stop stop.

"Bella?"

It's Edward, his voice tentative. I can't turn around to face him, I can't look at him in the glow from the street lamp, with snow lightly falling on his shoulders, dampening his hair.

I can't look at the softness of his eyes, the way his brow is surely furrowed.

I feel his hand on my shoulder, the heat of his palm burning through the fabric.

"What's wrong?" he asks and I shake my head, teeth clenched. My heart is beating so fast I feel like it's going to burst.

"Breathe, Bella," he says and I try my best. I do. But then he pulls me into a hug and I practically hyperventilate. He's rubbing circles on my back and his scent surrounds me and I'm broken up and put together all in one moment.

"I'm sorry," I whimper. "I just don't want you to be mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you," he says softly. "I just don't want you to think less of me for the things I want. For who I am."

"I don't," I say but somewhere, burning deep inside myself, the guilt of a lie starts to spread.


happy will come, i promise. B has some issues we need to sort through.