Sorry it's been so long! Still, we're over 20k words with this one, wow! general zargon and I thank you! Don't forget to please please please review!
.o.o.o.
Chapter 11: Recovery, Good Deeds, and...HARRY OSBORN?
Pepper: Please don't, Loki. I can hardly get Tony to take a break from flying around in the suit as it is.
...I'll work on authorizing the construction of more guest rooms. -Coulson
And maybe get passes for the rest of us so we won't have to break in?
Col. Rhodes
P.S. Thanks for the tips on B&E, Widow. :)
Ha! So that's how you guys keep getting in! I knew the security wasn't that bad! –Tony
No Tony, it is that bad. You just need to know where to look.
Natasha
Agent Coulson, Barton wants to see you. Go. He's whining and the infirmary's close enough to my room that I can hear it.
Loki
PS: Seriously, get over there before I find a muting spell.
Darcy, Fenrir, and Vali all fell asleep on the couch. Loki, find me and get the cutest picture ever!
Jan
I have discovered we are out of pop-tarts, beer, mead, macaroni, and eggs. Jane and I shall go to the market of groceries for them.
Call us if you need anything else.
Thor
...I'm going to go yell at my chief of security now. And then I'm going to go get drunk out of my mind. Anyone want to join me? -Tony
No you won't, Tony.
Pepper
P.S. Everyone, I have locked Tony in his room and taken away everything he might be able to use to break himself out, so if anyone needs to talk to him, you'll have to speak through the door.
Betty: If anyone needs Bruce for something, tough luck, because he's mine for the next three days.
Wow. I had no idea that Miss Ross was that...aggressive. -Hank
P.S. Make copies of the picture mentioned above, please.
Um, Pepper, Tony and i had a date tonight. Can he have escorted leave?
Steve
Okay, Coulson, I'm with Loki. Clint's singing Disney songs. Make him stop.
Spider-Man
PS: I'm texting Thor and Jane for hot dogs
*insert sexual joke about hot dogs here*
Jan
Really, Jan? You know we have kids here who read this wall, right?
Steve, for some reason Pepper said she wanted your request in written from. I think she wants proof it's your fault in case Tony runs.
Darcy
Hank: Jan, have you gotten into Tony's liquor cabinet? Someone get some paint to cover that joke up, please.
The request has been submitted, Pepper. I'll go and get Tony now, and yes, I know that if he runs it will officially go down in the reports as my fault.
Steve
Okay, I'll just paint over that joke now...oh, I have an idea! -Natasha
*Insert cartoon scribbles of the Avengers over the painted over joke here*
Coulson: I'm going to see Clint now, lest he annoy the medical staff and get further injured when they try to take revenge.
:) I have come up with an excellently mischievous good deed! Spider, Black Widow, and Darcy-meet me in that one Starbucks. That one with the little moose statue made out of straws! Hurry up!
Loki
Spider-Man has texted the plan to me and it has met my approval.
Spider-Aunt
PS-Nephew, you're pulling it on your civilian best friend next though, all right?
Be afraid, be very afraid.
Oh, and Fury wants paperwork about the emergency mission done. I can handle most of it, but everyone needs to do their personal reports.
Natasha
Wait...if Spidey's a teenager...what good deed prank are they going to play on his best friend? And Loki ISN'T his best friend?
Dr. Banner
PS: Wait, I saw the word "civilian". Never mind that part-sorry!
Thor: Does anyone need any shampoo? Last call for grocery requests! We are leaving now!
Dang it! I have to do paperwork even though I just got out of the infirmary? Not cool, man, not cool. -Clint
Let me guess, Clint, you're still feeling the effects of some of those painkillers, aren't you?
Betty
Pepper: Some Doritos would be nice, and maybe a roll of duct-tape?
Mischief managed (apologies to Rowling if she sues for infringement). We're moving on to Spider's "friend" next.
Loki
Something about those quotation marks has me worried.
Happy
Will someone go yell at Phil and Clint to keep it down? Come find me in the gym when they're quiet, maybe then I can sleep...
Natasha
...where's the alcohol gone?
Rhodey
Yeah, me too, but I'm not going to say they can't pull pranks. I value being able to actually open a drawer and NOT find something weird in it far too much to try something like that.
Pepper
Thor: Jane and I are back, and everyone who asked us to get something specific, please come and get it before it mysteriously vanishes...
Sorry, Jan got into Tony's liquor cabinet. I'll replace the empty bottles. Jan apologizes too. -Hank
Natasha, I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon. You'd best make camp in the gym.
Betty
Um, Hank, there is no way on earth Jan took THAT much.
I'm betting this was Loki's "good deed" prank.
...Why would Spidey, a noted teenager, have a pal with an alcohol problem?
Happy
Confidential, Mr. Hogan.
Spider-Aunt
Note to self, get back at Loki.
Tony
tony, I should point out that most attempts to make my brother paranoid fail spectacularly.
Thor
Yes, well, I didn't know how much was in there to begin with, and Jan doesn't remember precisely how many bottles she drank...Do we have any aspirin around here? -Hank
Third cabinet, left hand side.
Coulson
Steve: I have to agree with Thor, Tony. Trying to play a prank on Loki can never end well.
Hey, if Tony does try something, can someone videotape it for me? Doc says I can't leave my room for at least two days. –Clint
JARVIS records a lot, Clint. He's already got all of Loki's pranks archived. And training mishaps. And weird accidents around here. We might be able to put America's Funniest Videos out of business with some of this stuff.
Pepper
Can please not do that, Miss Potts? Fenrir and I like that show.
Vali
PS-Can we see the videos too?
Seriously, if anyone finds Loki or Spider-Man, tell them I want my drinks back!
Tony
No chance Stark. This is how tricksters stage interventions-completely remove the offending vice and THEN talk about the problem.
Loki
PS-Spider's "friend" has earned his quotation marks. The boy doesn't know his friend is Spider-Man and actually hates Spider-Man. I recommend we rectify this and therefore wish for ideas on the subject.
Awesome! It'll be like a family movie night, except we get to laugh at each other. ^_^ -Darcy
Steve: I agree with Loki and Spider, Tony. It will do you good to keep away from the liquor.
...You people (and gods) are evil! EVIL! But you can't get rid of ALL the alchohol everywhere, so just getting rid of my personal stock won't stop me!
Tony
How about mind-control? It seems to work pretty well for some of the villains...or you could just slap the heck out of Spider's "friend" until he sees sense. –Clint
I'm not going to mind-control Spider's "friend", Barton, that might lead to quotation marks around my own quality of friendship with him. The other option seems viable...
Loki
PS: Actually Stark, I did get ALL of the alcohol in the house, and JARVIS agrees with the plan and is watching your credit card purchases. Yes, there are a few loopholes, but I think we're overall doing a good job.
1-Loki, your PS was longer than your message.
2-Thank you for not mind controlling my friend (notice lack of quotation marks!), but I will not "slap the heck out of" him. Super-strength, remember? I am not hurting him!
Spider-Man
I'll think a good talking-to might do it. He does make those phone calls to complain to you. He actually knows the answering machine limit and re-calls to finish where he started now.
Spider-Aunt
...You do know the talking-to might not make sense if he doesn't know the whole "oh, by the way, that Spider-Man guy you're always bitching about? He's your friend" thing?
Jan
PS: Thank you Advil...and Hank for getting it.
:...Why is Tony trying to bribe me to slip him a bottle of whiskey? And no, Tony, I won't give you some alchohol due to the risk of severe injury.
TONY! If you try to bribe anyone else, I will trap you in a room with a T.V. that plays episodes of the Teletubbies 24/7. And you know I'm not joking. -Pepper
Hmmmm, well you could always start small and find out why he hates Spider-Man first, and then smack him?
Clint
Hank: Your welcome, Jan. Drink lots of water and avoid greasy food and you should be back to normal in no time.
Why dies everyone want to smack my friend? You don't even know who he is!
Spider-Man
Well, no, but we know that him hating your superhero-self causes you much distress. Therefore, I move that we kidnap the boy and explain things as best as possible without revealing Spider's ID
Loki
Loki, no kidnapping civilian teenagers.
Clint, no injuring civilian teenagers.
This is Spider-Man's problem. He has to handle it himself.
With that in mind, nephew, please handle it. You're beginning to angst quite a good deal, dear.
Spider-Aunt
...Guys, there's an angry auburn-haired male tied up in the den. Should I assume this is who I think it is?
Steve
PS: Tony, I will switch the Teletubbies threat to C-Span if you try to order liquor from other's people's credit cards again.
...So I should let the kid go then?
Loki ;)
Darcy: Yes, Loki, you should let him go. Preferably before someone notices that he's gone. You do not want to anger Spider-Aunt.
Can I have some time with him? I'm pretty sure I can get him to change his opinion on Spider-Man. ;) -Natasha
Okay, when can we let Tony out? He just started screaming, and I'm getting a bit concerned. I'm pretty sure we want him relatively sane, right?
Clint
P.S. Awwww, why not? The guy deserves it!
Coulson: Loki, please return the boy to where you found him, and no Natasha, you can't have any time with him. Listen to Spider-Aunt. We don't need any law suits over this.
Um...guys...I'm not in that room yet. I haven't tried bribing anyone for drinks, at all. The threats were plenty effective (and I was helping Steve figure out a G4 phone). So...who's in there?
Tony
And how exactly were you going to explain to the kid you tied up that his issues with Spider-Man SPECIFICALLY were a problem, again?
Loki, I have noticed a distinct lack of not untying him...and I can't do it. He's my nephew's friend, he knows me.
Spider-Aunt
Oh, I put a few unruly agents in there. They get let out in two hours.
Fury
And this is why I'll never work for that man. Never fear, Spider-Aunt! Your nephew...er...found his "friend" (I'm keeping the quotation marks until I can further pass judgement), yelled at me for tying him up, and in his frenzy, he accidentally unmasked himself.
So, in short, I've untied the "friend" but he appears to have had a slight mental breakdown over this (Spider is angry with me. No idea why...). I recommend that one psychiatrist-the one I didn't convince was in the Matrix or the Shire.
Loki
Jane: OMG! I just peeked into the room, and I think Tony might have a twin! Seriously, one of them looks exactly like you! I made a video on my phone and sent it to all of you, see what I mean?
Wow, you're right, the resemblance is uncanny...And Loki, that doesn't really leave us a lot of options, considering that nearly every psychiatrist you've seen has become convinced he's something or other. -Rhodey
I agree with Rhodey...although, it was pretty funny when you convinced that one guy that he was actually the pink Power Ranger...Hey, do we still have the video from that?
Clint
P.S. I am officially cleared for duty early! YAY! *Insert crudely drawn stick figure doing a happy dance here*
Thor: Indeed Clint, I am selecting videos for the movie night rotation, so do you want me to add in that one? However, I must say that it was quite disturbing to see the man dressed in one of Jan's dresses before we finally caught him.
No, no Col. Rhodes, there was this one guy with sunglasses who escaped with his sanity...or was he a lawyer? I forget...I think his name was Matt Murdock...
Loki
Loki, I'm going to kill you. You broke my best friend.
Spider-Man
PS-Okay, my aunt says I can't kill you, but you're in the doghouse, "pal"
Um...Matt might not be the best idea...
Wow, does that guy ever look like Tony!
Loki, looks like you've got the quotation marks on your friendship with Spidey now!
Darcy
Fury, don't torture people in my house!...unless they're Justin Hammer, then it's okay.
Tony
Jan: Wow, Tony, you never told us you had a twin!
Ewwww, I remember that guy. I'll have you know I had to burn that dress afterwards! And it was one of my favorites, too! :(
Yeah, Thor, go ahead and add that tape in! -Clint
P.S. Isn't Murdock a lawyer? What was he doing acting as a psychiatrist?
Well, they say everyone in the world has a twin, Jan. I guess it was only a matter of time before we ran into Tony's.
Hank
Pepper: No Tony, not even if they're Justin Hammer. We have enough problems with him as it is...of course, if you don't get caught doing it, I can't really say anything, especially if I don't know about it...
He's not, Clint, he just is willing to play one. Loki doesn't believe that you need a degree to give therapy.
...I might have to stop believing that too, if only because I think no licensed psychologist would take me.
Spider-Man
Okay, someone OTHER than Loki, Spider-Man, or Spider-Aunt explain what the hell is going on to me. NOW.
Spider-Man's-maybe-still-a-friend-who-Loki-kidnapped
Jan? When did you meet Hammer? I usually make a point to keep him away from people I know...unless they'll just insult him in a really fun way (like Bruce did. That was epic).
Tony
PS: I'll see if I can calm Spider-man's friend down. I shouldn't mention that his dad's a super-villain, right?
...Tony, thank you for that information. I did not know that about the boy.
...Which villain?
Coulson
Agent Coulson, if you do anything that might traumatize that boy, I will make your life a living hell. I am an eighty year old woman who knows how to boss around 2 gods and multiple superheroes; you do not want to know what I will do if you upset a boy I consider my extra nephew.
Spider-Aunt
PS- I let the tortured agents out. They were crying, the poor dears.
Natasha: I have to side with Loki on the psychiatrist issue. At least if someone isn't a licensed psychiatrist they won't charge you five hundred bucks an hour.
It was back before the Avengers. I was holding a fund raiser so Hank could keep working on his 'science'. Hammer was there, drunk off his butt, and he kept pawing me. Unfortunately, I couldn't knee him where the sun didn't shine, but I managed to trip him when no one was looking. I made good my escape after that. -Jan
Darcy: You have my sympathies, Jan. I'm sorry about your dress, how about we go shopping to ease the pain of the memory for you?
Fury is evil…those poor agents. I gave them some hot cocoa and Oreos to help them calm down.
Jane
P.S. Fear the Spider-Aunt, Coulson, fear the Spider-Aunt
Steve, go calm the kid down. Use your "practically the embodiment of everything good" to help, okay?
Tony
PS-Brat didn't like me because my company competes with his dad's...anyways, I got Coulson distracted by giving him my paperwork. He might have gone into shock.
...Tony, where does Justin Hammer live? I need to "talk" to him
Hank
PS-...Jan, why was Science in quotes?
Can Spider's friend stay for game night? Coulson's still in shock so my team's short a person, and Darcy, Spider, Barton, Miss Potts and I don't want to forfeit.
Loki
...Somehow I think I wouldn't be allowed to leave anyway.
Spider-Man's Friend (please note lack of quotes, Loki)
PS: Spider-Aunt, can we have pancakes for dinner like last month when I spent the night at your house? Please?
Of course we can, dear.
Spider-Aunt
Hammer's usually in his office unless he's plotting something. I suggest looking there, Hank, and if you can't find him, ask his secretary (if she's there...) -Pepper
Tony:...Pepper, is there something you're not telling me? You seem more hateful towards Hammer than usual. O_O
Steve: Okay, Spider's friend is calmed down, and Loki, he's on your team for game night as long as he gets first pick of the pancakes...Spider-Aunt, can we have chocolate chip pancakes too?
No reason, Hank. And you don't need to "talk" to Hammer, really!
Jan
So we've got Spider-Man, Spider-Aunt, and Spider-Friend, got it!
Vali
...I need a new name. And those pancakes were great Spider-Aunt. The chocolate chips were a good idea.
Spider-Friend-who-wants-a-new-name (and NOBODY better say anything with Goblin in it!)
Kid-Goblin.
Kidding. Anyways, I'm going to make it so your father and his associates can no longer read the word "goblin" if it pertains to you since that would give away Spider's ID.
As for names, I fail to see what is wrong with Spider-Friend outside of it sounding rather camp.
Loki
PS: How good are you at Risk?
Pepper, if my boyfriend gets arrested for assaulting Hammer, I blame you. If he doesn't, I want video of what he did.
Jan
PS: You guys are going down Loki!...as soon as Hank gets back. The him, me, Bruce, Betty, and Rhodey are going to smoke you! And Thor, Jane, Tony, Steve, and Natasha too!
