Hey Guys!I know it's been toooooo long. Here an update also I added a chapter I forgot. it's june 2nd 1935.
let me know what you think.
July 30th 1936 - London, Great Britain
If it had been hard in previous years to live around Quinn and Nathaniel without too much drama, without remaining hopelessly in love with him, without Quinn hating me, than this situation could only be described as hell. In its purest form.
I spend my days at home avoiding Quinn. She hadn't spoken to me. At all. I was going absolutely mad, if these were my days from here on out.. I was starting to think I could better marry and at least be living in a house where I would not have to walk on eggshells.
I had tried real hard to find a job, but Quinn had made it her point of telling everyone she didn't want me to have one. And so it was difficult to find one.
I wished I knew what Quinn wanted from me.
I slipped into the kitchen on Saturday morning. Trying to have some breakfast without walking in on anyone. I snuck in and grabbed an appel from the fruit bowl. "Calm down, Quinn is out." I jumped and dropped the apple. "Bloody hell, Nathaniel! You scared the life out of me!"
He chuckled. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. It's just that you sneak around this house avoiding everyone all day, that must be exhausting."
I relaxed a little and sat down at the kitchen table. "It is, believe me. But I don't seem to get out of here. Quinn is making it impossible for me to leave. I really don't understand. It's making her just as miserable as it's making me." Nathaniel smiled sympathetically.
"Quinn already is miserable, so now her only goal is to have you suffer as well."
Oh dear lord. All of this had made me my own sister's worst enemy. I sighed in despair.
Nathaniel patted my hands in my lap.
My breath caught in my throat at the contact and right then I couldn't take it anymore. I'd spend years feeling confused, hurt, sick, sad and heartbroken. Tears blurred the sight of his hand holding mine. But the warm gentle touch that held my hands nearly burned. Nearly. Because though everything about the situation hurt, he could never really hurt me. I was long aware of how positively powerless I was to him. Therefore I had spent years avoiding him, in every possible way. I always felt cold. Every day, all day, always, I felt a cold fog around me. A lonesome cold fog that made me shake and shiver. That made me feel as if my legs couldn't hold me up. Only every time when Nathaniel had held me in the past that cold fog seemed to make place for the warm beam of the sun from inside me. But it'd leave me even colder, even more unstable, even more alone when he left. When I left. But I felt tired of feeling cold. It had always taken every bit strength I had to not lose my bearings. But I was now exhausted. I didn't have any strength left. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I had made Quinn my worst enemy though I did all of it for her. I had made Nathaniel hate me for making him miserable. I had made myself miserable. His warm touch brushed the teardrops from my cheek. Which only seemed to unleash more. They were coming through the cracks of everything I had put up to keep myself from falling apart. The cracks meant the wall, the facade was crumbling. I was sure that once I'd spent my last bit of energy to keep the wall up, I'd die. I'd fall apart. I'd sleep and never wake up.
And all of this would be over. Four years I had spend in this foggy place. The moment Nathaniel had come up to us in that fog the fog hadn't really left. But now, the fog would just take over it'd fill me up and suffocate me. I was sure I was going to die. Sobs escaping my throat made it hard to breathe. I was already choking. There was no way to stop it. My wall was coming down and I was going to die.
I found it frustrating of myself that I was so incapable of hating her. Though before Quinn's grandmother's funeral it had been much worse. It was still very hard to love her. I had been convinced that hating her would help. Giving Quinn an honest chance to be more than the vain girl I knew I married. It was all suppose to help. Making her think I hated her. Ignoring her. It had to help. But it never had. Not really. Of course it had been much easier when she was away. I had so hoped she'd never come back. I'd fought Quinn on it, when she wanted to take Haley out of school. Pleaded with her to let her stay. But Quinn had taken it as a gesture of love for Haley, more than a measure of self-preservation and insisted she'd return. So I'd gone on pretending I hated her for ruining my life. But I could tell that Haley herself was broken. Every day I saw her look paler and smaller. More miserable. While Quinn just seemed to relish the pain she was putting her sister through. I'd learned not comment on it to Quinn, for it would only make things worse for Haley. My affection for her would only hurt her more. Seeing Haley right in front of me breaking down. Having reached the end of her rope. I was unsure of what to do. A comment from me had unleashed her tears and so anymore gestures from me would only hurt her more in the long run. Deciding upon wiping her tears, I brushed them off but that only made it worse.
The pain pulled on my gut. My own facade of hating her keeping me from reaching out. If I broke my composure all would be lost. My wall was keeping me together. Keeping all I felt inside. But it seemed as if her pain, her tears were breaking through that wall layer for layer, brushing off bits of the big brick wall that was the facade of my marriage. Right then I had two choices. Walk away, leave that house and not come back until Quinn was home. Or let her break it down. Let her in. Let her tear me apart once more when she's tell me she couldn't love me. But it would put her back together.
I released the breath I'd been holding. I'd put her back together every single time. It wasn't really a choice.
I was dying it was the only way to describe the feeling of completely falling apart of the pain of years of being hated by my family, then by the sister I adored, and lastly by the man I loved. That had to be the last straw. It had been for years and somehow it took until now for it burry me. I was caving under the weight of it all. It was a death not wished on anyone. Dying under the weight of the world. Out of the big nothingness I had been falling into I felt his hands. They were clutching my arms and out of nowhere there was only warmth. I opened my eyes to find myself pressed against his chest. He was holding me together. He was telling me he wouldn't let me fall apart. The cold fog that had been consuming me dropped and the sun was back. It was like he was giving me back my strength. And yet I was too tired to fight him like I always did. I was too tired of pretending I didn't care. Too tired of pretending that giving away the only man that ever loved me wasn't the biggest mistake I ever made. 'I Love you" I whispered. He'd be mad. He had every right in the world. I kept ruining his life. I had from the start. "Finally she admits it" his warm breath whispered back. I was startled by his words. I had expected anger, bitterness but certainly not this. "You don't hate me?" I lifted my face from his chest. Searching for anger or sarcasm in his eyes. He smiled. "I could never hate you. I just wanted you to feel the pain you cause me every time you say you don't. Hoping you'd understand. I'm sorry." I wasn't sure where to look or what to say. He was so sweet. He kept the fog at bay. He didn't hate me.
I could tell she was confused, the way she frowned, the way she scrunched her nose. It was positively adorable. Her lips then touched mine, eagerly, willingly. That had to be a first. I parted my lips and slipped my tongue inside her mouth. Her hands found my face, my hair and she was holding me. For the first time she was kissing me and she wouldn't let go. I only wanted to smile. Gripping her hips I pushed her up against the kitchen table. She tasted sweet. She felt so breakable. I lifted her up on the kitchen table and to my utter surprise she pulled me in between her legs, closed them behind me. Who was this girl? I rubbed my hands all over what I could reach and she let me. She was done pretending. I felt this immensely satisfying rush pass through me making me want her even closer in far less clothes. I moved my hand up her chest to unbutton her dress when I heard the front door slam shut. Both of us sprang away and looked completely horrified. I could only right then think; "Please don't let it scare her..." as a mantra in my head. Haley was prone to that.
I was angry when I heard that door. Angry she interrupted because I hadn't felt this good in years. I had done everything to make her happy and she had been purposely making me miserable! I was infuriated. But not stupid. I pecked Nathaniel, reassuringly on the lips before hopping off the table and shuffling head down into the hall back to my bedroom. Quinn, as expected, ignored me completely and so it was as if nothing ever happened.
But something did happen and something did change. I was through being treated as if I was simple and incapable. I wasn't. Yet as I sat on my bed thinking of Nathaniel and wanting to have him. My resolve to stop fighting him was slowly slipping I couldn't be that conniving. That was Quinn perhaps but that couldn't be me. I was going to tell her the truth. Nathaniel would agree with me. And then the shame on her wouldn't be as big. I hoped. We, just had to talk to her. Soon.
