"All I Ever Needed"

Chapter X: "Thunder"

Ricky's pain had grown too great, and even in the daylight...all he saw was darkness. The agony was the only way he knew that it was real, but even that didn't satisfy him anymore. He had lost all hope in life. He had fallen too hard to get back up.

One step forward, two steps back. An interesting phrase, Ricky thought. For all that had happened in his life, it came down to this. All the memories, good and bad, seemed faint and dull, disappearing into the numbing, drugged effect that overtook his mind.

A short drop and a sudden stop. That was all it would take. So fragile, so worthless. Ricky pulled tight and felt it constrict around him, before the log he was standing on tipped over...

There was a sudden flash of light and a crack of loud thunder that shook the earth. Ricky fell to the ground and collapsed, attempting to shield his eyes from the blinding light.

"Ricky," came the woman's soft voice. Even in this sudden state of disorientating chaos, her whisper was as loud as the thunder. "Ricky," she said again, and he groaned, attempting to cover his ears as well as her words echoed inside of him.

And then, as soon as it had come, the bright, white light seemed to be sucked from the atmosphere, disappearing into nothingness with a subtle pop.

"Ricky."

Still fallen and confused, Ricky tried to regain focus in his eyes and looked up towards the voice.

"Mom?" He said. Nora simply stared down at him with a disappointed look on her voice. "Mom?" He repeated.

"What are you doing, kid?"

Ricky stared back up at her, slightly dumbfounded and not knowing what to say. He hadn't spoken to a real person in weeks, and this situation was especially confusing.

Ricky attempted to stand, staggering slightly before regaining his balance. He erected himself peered around at his surroundings. He wasn't in the trees by the train tracks anymore, and it wasn't night. But it wasn't day. In fact, Ricky couldn't recognize where he was at all. The shell of what he used to be, Ricky winced and attempted to massage his temples as they throbbed painfully. What the hell was going on here?

"Nora, what the hell is going on here?"

"Nice to see you too," she retorted sarcastically. She scanned him up and down, seeing the remnants of the son she remembered. "What are you doing, Rick?" She asked again.

"I, uh-," he subconciously reached up and touched his neck, but there was no rope. However, in place of it, he felt a deep scar run across his neck."

His biological mother scoffed, taking notice to Ricky's action. "You would kill yourself for this?" She drew Ricky's gaze; his eyes filled with fear and yet still anger.

"You don't understand," he replied in a deep, raspy voice. As soon as he had tried to speak clearly and profoundly, the scar on his neck burned with a fury, causing him to cough.

"What an ass-backwards and stupid thing to even contemplate, Rick." Nora scoffed again.

"Again, you don't understand. I lost my son - I lost my life." He had to literally force the coarse words from his mouth.

"How could you be so selfish and close minded?" Nora stood face to face with her son now, her head cocked to the side as she questioned him.

Ricky didn't respond, but only tried to clear his throat and ease the burning pain.

"You know, I once lost my son. And yeah I could've been a better mother, but it wasn't my fault entirely. That man is a monster; he abused me the same as he did you. I never wanted my child to grow up like either of us, but as I see it now my choices were very limited." Ricky's head slightly dropped, yet he remained silent still. "And now...with your son missing...I know how you feel, kid. It sucks. But to kill yourself because of it is just stupid. You're giving up. And one thing I never did is give up, and we turned out alright, save him.

"Your father," Ricky cringed slightly, "became very corrupted throughout his life. And he always thought that he'd be able to change his ways whenever he wanted. But as he put off doing so, he became more of a...bad person."

Ricky didn't like hearing Bob referred to as his "father", but what his mother was saying...he had never been exposed to this before.

"He used to be a good man, Rick. At the beginning. But he gave up. And that's what started it all. He gave up on life."

Ricky's heart stopped abruptly in his chest, and he felt his stomach sink.

He had given up.

"Whatever good there was in your father is now gone. There's no hope in him, and I know you want nothing to do with him, kid." Nora smiled sympathetically, reaching out and placing her hand on Ricky's shoulder. "But there's still hope for John."

"Why - what are you doing this for?" Ricky felt a sliver of skepticism, still confused about this dream state.

Nora smirked. "I'm being a mom, just like you need to be a dad."

Ricky shook his head, standing defiantly before him. "What am I supposed to do?" His words were filled with despair.

"Search your heart. There's someone who needs you now, and together you'll find your son."


I can hear the thunder clashing outside and the rain as it pelts continuously against the house. I've never been one for stormy nights, but tonight it doesn't matter to me. In all reality, it somewhat soothes me. The weather matches my mood - my feelings. All the emotions inside of me; I'm trying to control them, but I can't. Not now.

I've been in this room, this prison, for hours, only it seems like days. It's cold and dark, but again I don't mind. My surroundings perfectly reflect how I feel - and I feel lost and unable to help. It's such a sickly feeling, knowing that they two most important guys in my life are somewhere out there, braving the storm on their own, and not being able to doing anything about it.

I haven't really seen my parents in the past few days, then again I've rarely left the room. My anger for them is too great, and I'm trying to control myself. The best way, in my opinion, to do so is to just avoid them, but it is getting lonely in here; too much time to think within myself. My thoughts betray me. The only person I've really had any contact with is Ashley, and isn't she just a breathe of fresh air. I'm trying to get along with her, for it would be nice not to have everyone in this house oppose me. She says I don't look very good, and I haven't really seen myself in light lately, but I have faith that she's right.

It's so very inexplainable to try to comprehend how I feel. I've spent seemingly countless hours sitting by the window, staring out blankly, hoping that I'll see Ricky's car drive up, with our son in the back seat, smiling.

I wonder if he knows what's going on, but I hope he doesn't. I'm one hundred percent confident that I'll see my son again...I think. Every time I try to psych myself up and feel a surge of determination, my thoughts betray me, as I said, and I sink back into depression. I long in my heart to see them again. I want to be able to move on from this, but the nightmares don't stop.

I haven't slept soundly in weeks, and everytime I dream, it's always the same one. I can't take much more of this.


I still can't explain or reason what happened this morning. I saw my mother, my real mother. Seeing her...it confused me, angered me, and made me miss Margaret. But strangely it also calmed me. I still don't know what to really make of it, or how it happened.

As night began to fall, so did the rain. I now find myself sitting under a make-shift shelter by some lake. I don't know where I am anymore; I've traveled too blindly for the past couple of weeks. As the hours tick by, I try to close my eyes and drift off to sleep, something I've been deprived of as of late, but the loud pelting of the droplets keeps me awake; at least I'm dry. Mostly.

I find myself purposelessly looking out over the lake and seeing the rain pelt down ferociously, causing millions of tiny spashes against the crystal water, and recollecting over the past. I remember seeing her for the first time, before anything had started, and thinking how beautiful she was. She was sitting at a table all by herself, and she looked innocent and nice. And then I find myself asking why? Why did I do what I did? I feel so guilty and shameful for what happened that night. I never expected or wanted to have a baby, or hurt Amy, but what happened happened. And that's in the past, and I can't change it, but I can control my future.

What had started out as a disaster for the both of us actually turned into something that, once again, neither of us really expected. When Adrian and Ben had sex...I fell apart inside, and I couldn't believe it. I truly loved her, and by the time her pregnancy became known I suppose my feelings had dwindled slightly, and the pain was less than I expected. But it's...it's funny how things that start out bad sometimes turn out quite well. When Amy and myself had decided to leave and go out on our own in an attempt to better our united parenting towards John, I really just wanted to get away from the drama exploding back home, but I never expected for what happened.

I'm guessing it's about two a.m., and the wind has picked up, whipping thru my wall-less shelter, and so I've huddled back against a tall, thick oak tree, wrapped in my hoodie. The splashes on the water reminded me over the many times we looked out and saw the ocean, and how it sparkled like billions of diamonds. I find myself laughing slightly to myself, remembering how John pointed out across the great blue sea and giggled.

"Yeah, John," I had said, "ocean."

It was the first time I had laughed, let alone smiled, in quite awhile.


I never expected to get pregnant, yet then again I had never given much thought to my life in the future. But I suppose this wasn't how I would've pictured it went. Though, in retrospect, I had no regrets. I love my son, John, and there's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for him.

It's almost two thirty, going by my alarm clock to the right of my bed, and the storm continues to rage outside. About half an hour ago Robbie began to cry, but I heard my dad try to quietly race down the hallway to tend to him. I find myself in a familiar place once again, sitting near the window, gazing out into darkness.

For some odd reason, the night reminds me of the first night when we got to the hotel. When Ricky woke me up, and told me we were there, a sense of relief flushed thru my body. I felt as if we were finally taking the first step towards relaxation; life back home had been so stressful in the previous weeks.

In my mind, I expected only to try to get along with Ricky and simply take some time away and be with my son, and at the start I felt discouraged; things hadn't turned out ideally in the beginning. But as the days began to pass by, a starting recognizing that strange feeling I had always felt around Ricky, especially when he looked at me.

He didn't answer, so I opened the door and was surprised at what I saw. He was standing there shirtless, and I felt myself blush. My eyes traveled up his toned torso and to his smirking face, and I knew he recognized my shock. That ever growing feeling had erupted inside of me then, and I felt my body grow warm.

And that night we talked on the beach...It was such an intimate and real conversation; we had never had this closeness between us. As the sun set, we watched our son play in the sand, and he told me about his past and the talk he had had with Kyle, and what he had come to realize from it. After I originally became pregnant, I knew the kind of person Ricky was, but now I knew he had changed, and he would continue to better his life. I now had no doubt that he was the best man to be a father that I could imagine.


When we set out on our trip, I never expected to develop feelings for Amy. And in a way, I hadn't. That feeling that I would feel around her, that strange pressure in the pit of my stomach, had finally evolved into something I could define. The way I felt about her had been there for a long time, and neither of us saw it until we really got to know each other.

That night at the dance...all that we had hoped and wished for in the trip had been exceeded. It was the first time I had felt this close to a young woman in the way that I felt around Amy. She had looked so beautiful, and I had tried to clean myself up, although I was nervous. In the midst of the glowing orange, setting sun I held her close to me...

He held me close, wrapping his strong arms around me and pulling me tightly to his chest. I had closed my eyes and felt secure, knowing that nothing bad would happen as long as he was there. That unknown feeling then suddenly exploded inside both of us, and I looked into his eyes as he smiled down at me...

She had looked so beautiful and sweet, causing me to smile down at her, and in turn she beamed back up at me. It was in this moment when it felt so true and so right, I lifted my hand up gently and brushed a few strands of hair behind her ear, resting my palm against his warm, rosy cheek.

I melted into his hand and felt it tingle against my skin. This moment we knew what we had to be for each other, and for our son. He leaned in slowly and my heart stopped.

I felt her tense up slightly, but as I slowly pressed my lips against hers, she melted against me. Her lips were soft and gentle, and she wrapped her arms around my neck, and I, in turn, wrapped mine around her waist, pulling her close to me.

The thunder cracked loudly again, and the rain seemed to drench the earth more fierce than ever. The cloudy skies flashed with white-hot bolts of lightning, but I couldn't see. My eyes were closed, slowly drifting off to sleep, knowing now what I had to do, and who I had to do it with.

The loud crack of thunder jolted me out of my trance and I shook slightly, startled at the noise. My depression and sadness were masked for the moment, replaced with joy and determination. I knew that my son was out there somewhere, as was Ricky, and I wasn't going to sit here in darkness any longer.

I jumped from my seat, and attempted to be as quiet as possible as I hurriedly scurried across my room, grabbing a duffle bag from my closest and stuffing clothes of various accessories inside: everything that I would need for a few days. I was fortunate to have my bag still semi-packed from our vacation, but this only fueled my determination more.

I had tried to contact Ricky over the past few days, but he hadn't answered, instead it had gone straight to voice-mail. So either his phone had died or he had shut it off. I didn't know how in this moment, but I knew I had to find him.

I would have to take my car, and thankfully it had a significant amount of gasoline. I would also leave a note, hoping and praying that my family wouldn't freak out and try to look for me, because I knew that police would no matter what. But I don't care, it doesn't matter to me.

"Gotta go," I whispered to myself, grabbing my bag and slowly, yet surely, slipping my way out of the door.

As I got into my SUV and inserted the key, I stopped for a moment to take a breathe: all of this had happened very quickly. I turned the ignition and the car roared to life, and I suddenly noticed that the time was 3:02 AM.

I took a deep breathe in and slowly exhaled, staring down at the steering wheel as I tapped it with my thumbs: this was it.

Hope is kindled.