Season Two – Ep. Four

"BigThreeTV: Why I Hate Valentine's Day"


"Today, we'd like to talk to you about something a bit more serious," Percy said into the camera, immediately breaking the fourth wall. "Something that should have never been conjured up by the female population."

The camera focused on Frank Zhang. "Wing-women."

"The single worst invention of womankind since yogurt and emotions. Not necessarily in that order…"

Percy took a tantalizingly slow slurp of Trix yogurt like the hypocrite he was.

"'So what exactly is a wing-woman?' you may ask," Percy lectured. "It's a creation of the Goddess of Love. Except, wing-women have the tendency to be fucking horrible at their job. And their day to strike? Valentine's Day."

"Let me just start off this topic by saying that all of us in this room hate Valentine's day and if it wouldn't mind, it can go suck on some eggs," Jason growled. He then drank some carrot juice out of a sippy-cup.

"Um, dude, isn't that the carrot juice that Artemis got drunk on?"

"Oh shit…I'll be back!" Jason said before retching in a nearby bathroom.

Percy took the floor. "OK, let's just start from the beginning. Since the dawn of time, men and women have been unable to understand one another. When the cave dwellers were around, and paired off, it wasn't easy. Therefore, some people would use what eventually became known as 'wing-men.' These men were charged with helping their friends score with women. Eventually, women became more independent and decided it was fair that they have 'wing-women.' BIT MISTAKE."

Frank Zhang stood and took over. "Reasons why wing-women shouldn't exist? Unfortunately, men don't like women who don't have balls. And by that, I'm not implying that men like girls with dicks, I'm saying that if a girl cannot approach a man herself, it becomes less attractive."

Nico took over as Frank sat down. "That being said, women don't take into account the possibilities of the guy liking her friend. Nor do they think that their friends don't like the guy, and won't LIE to him to get his trust."


-Initiate Humorous Scenario-

"So your friend came up to me today and told me that you've been sleeping with Ricky!"

"What? No, I like you! Ricky and I just went to the African Safari the other day!"

"Oh the African Safari, Is that what you call your vagina nowadays—do I look like a fucking idiot?"

"No it's real!"

-End Humorous Scenario-


"Tragic. The worst of these days, of course, are Valentines' Day. And guess what the rule is?"

"If you can't get a date, then you're a fucking chach."

Percy stood again after helping Jason with his regurgitating. "Look, ladies, we're not heckling your profession, and we know you have trouble reading us too. However, it's not our fault. We just come equipped with a special armor called 'pride.' Pride is a magical chemical in a man's brain that destroys any trace of emotion pleading for the right to be heard."


-Initiate SECOND Humorous Scenario-

"Hi, I'm the emotion Love! Don't say anything though, if Percy Jackson hears me, he'll get out his Pride and—"

"What the fuck do you think you're doing out of my head, Love?"

"Um, Percy sir…I was just…I didn't…"

"GTFO."

(Violently beats the fuck out of Love and shoves it back into his head.)

"Fuckin' right, that'll teach you to come out here and try to talk to people…fuck around and I'll get Hate out here to beat your sorry ass."

-End Second Humorous Scenario-


"That is basically the extent of what happens."

Jason collected himself. "Furthermore, first dates are never fun. Us men really do a lot to ensure that a girl's first date is special, including paying for dinner, movies, and tax. So you know, with that being said, a little bit of ass at the end of the night isn't that hard for you to sacrifice is it?"

Percy stood again without cue. "Have you guys ever tried to get with a girl on the first date? I know I do. Most women take offense to that, but I really don't see the issue. It's not like; sex is all that I want from you. Now I get that you women are emotional creatures, but why do we have to talk? Can't we both just…shut the fuck up once in a while?"

Frank returned to his previous posture. "Moral of this story? Men and women both have a lot on their plates and a lot on their minds during Valentines' Day. We men don't play around with that Aphrodite Cabin bullshit. It's really an unforgiving and unnecessary holiday."

Nico stood up. "You get to the end of the day, after giving her chocolate, spending time with her, writing her love letters, and at the end of it all she barely appreciates it. You might not even get a hug, a kiss, a handshake, and hand job…nothing."

"Bottom line, we all know that men and women don't really like this holiday. Men suffer through it to impress girls and get into their pants, and sometimes, if he's not hungry, into her heart. While girls use the holiday as an excuse to nag the guys and possibly get ass themselves."

Percy's mouth was full of yogurt. "WE DON'T WIKE IT. Valentimes dway is a shellfish, emotionawey-dwiven abyss of depwession and dwarkness. It pwopts people to be like me, stuffing their moufths with yogwurt and chocolate and romance mwovies."

Percy began to stuff more and more yogurt in his cheeks and then proceeded to cry.

"Do you see now, ladies?" Jason said with a sympathetic, demeaning facial expression. "You've caused the man to cry and run himself into obesity. End Valentine's Day today, and make for a better tomorrow."

"I was the best thing to happen to her! But who cares, I have my yogurt! I love you yogurt, DO YOU LOVE ME?"

"Great, now he's beating the yogurt. Someone call the Trix bunny and get a towel."


A/N: Short chapter, but just in time for the dreaded Valentine's Day. Haha just kidding, I actually love that holiday a lot. It's an excuse to pretend you're heartbroken and stuff your face with heart-shaped chocolate. I hope to update again possibly by the end of this weekend, so stay tuned. The season is far from over.

Chris