If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am
Be Still - The Fray
"Doctor Knowles, Doctor Knowles" One of the nurses said gently touching her arm.
"What? Uh sorry" Tara said apologetically. She was tired, moody and light headed. Her head wasn't in work today.
"Are you ok? You look a bit pale"
"I'm fine just not 100% today. It's been a long week" Tara said truthfully.
"You can say that again" There had been two major crashes, a fire at a school and some other cases that had the hospital on high alert. It had taken it out of everyone. "Got any plans for your time off?"
"I have a few friends visiting. There's going to be a party for a homecoming" Ghost one of the Tacoma charter was being released from a two year stint in prison. She had asked Happy why they had called him ghost 'He gets in and out, you don't seem him unless he wants you to.' She didn't really understand it because he ended up in jail. She looked back at the nurse. "Do you have any plans?"
"My sister's kids birthday nothing exciting. I hope you have a good weekend. I think you ride is here." The nurse nodded to a prospect who Tara thinks is called Hugh walking towards her. There would only be one reason a prospect is here the boys had gone on a run.
"Yeah that's my ride. Have fun at the party Alice" Tara smiled before picking up her bag and going to meet the prospect.
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Charming had been mayhem. The Mayans had been all over there asses the last few weeks. He was getting to Tacoma less and less. It was pissing him off. Tara phone calls were coming less and less but maybe it was the fact that he was always too busy to talk was pissing her off to. He was sick of dealing with this shit.
"Don't worry Jackie boy you'll see her later" Jax looked at him in confusion. "Don't tell me you forgot? Ghost is getting out of the big house. We're taking a trip to Tacoma." Chib said matter-of-factly.
Jax took a minute to comprehend what Chibs was actually talking about. Fuck. He thought that was next week but next week was actually this week, as the saying goes time flies when you're having fun. "Fuck Bro I didn't realize that was this weekend"
"Thought you be counting down the days Jackie. The wee doc will be glad to see you" Chibs said squeezing his shoulder before taking his seat at the table.
"Now if you ladies are ready lets start" Clay said with the gavel in his hand.
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"Hey babe" Jax said. Tara could see his smile that smirk on his face.
"Teller" Tara said teasingly. She had missed him. Anytime he actually got to Tacoma there was so much shit going on, she barley got to spend any time with him. She knew he was as pissed as she was about it. She knew what it was like she remembered from when she was back in Charming. Sometimes she feels like she was teleported back in time to when she was 18.
"Miss me?"
"Of Course! Is there a reason you called? Or did you just want to hear my voice?" Jax smiled to himself, he forgot how much of a tease she could be.
"Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. You seem happier anything you want to tell me?" Jax noticed the change in her voice. She sounded more upbeat like she was on top of the world.
"Kozik has been clean for a month. I'm so proud of him he went on his first run today"
"You know you sound like a Mother talking about her kid right?" Jax teased. He didn't understand the relationship they had at first but now he became to realise it was just like a brother/sister one.
"Shut up! You are ruining my good mood. I am currently sitting in the clubhouse drinking a beer while everyone except the prospects are on a run. Life is good Teller. I hear your coming to see me?" Tara teased.
"Not you pretty lady, Ghost. You just being there is a bonus. You never know me and you could sneak away spend some time together." Jax really wished they could.
"You're offering up missing a party for me? I'm touched Teller, really I am"
"Smart ass"
"You know you sound like Gemma when you say that" Tara joked.
"I'm going now. Bye Knowles"
"Did I touch a nerve? Bye Jax. See you tomorrow" I love you. She hung up the phone. Sometimes their relationship was so easy. Easy never lasted long and there was always something or someone waiting to fuck it up.
"Yo T" Kozik said coming through the door first. She hadn't seen him like this since before he got shot in the shoulder. He looked happy content and it was infectious. He gave her a brief hug before taken the beer out of her hand and drinking it.
"Hey" Tara said before rolling her eyes and picking up another beer. "How did it go?"
"Good. It feels good to be back in the action you know? It's been to long" Kozik said truthfully.
"Are you taking bout the run or the pussy?" Tara said looking where he was, at the croweater currently sitting across the room giving him the eyes.
"Both" Kozik winked before pushing away from the bar and making his way over to her. All she could do was laugh it was good to have him back to his usual self.
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"Hello" Tara mumbled. Who the fuck was calling her at 3am? She had only been in bed and hour.
"Is this Tara Knowles?"
"This is she"
"I'm sorry to inform you but your father Mark Knowles had been in an accident. The paramedics performed CPR on the scene but they couldn't revive him. I'm sorry for your loss Miss. Knowles."
"Thank you" Tara said before hanging up the phone and sitting up in her bed. She packed a small bag before walking out of the clubhouse. She didn't want to talk she just needed to do this. Back to Charming it would only be for a day or two then she would come back here like nothing happened. She left a note for Kozik telling him she would call when she landed and explain where she had gone. She didn't want anyone to know. She needed to do this on her own.
Tara hadn't stepped foot in Charming in just over nine years. It had been a place that had brought her many good memories but many bad ones to. She had fallen for Jax here, became a part of a family but she lost a family to. The day her mother died had broken her father. She knew that to well. She had been the one to look after him for nine years. At the age on ten losing your mother and your father turning into an alcoholic would have broken anyone.
She sometimes wonders how no one took her away from him. Did they not see the bruises? She wondered how many people passed her father wandering drunk home. Everyone seemed to know what was going on but no one seemed to care. Everyone somehow felt sorry for her father losing his wife and being a single father. Tara would have felt that way to if she didn't have to practically bring herself up. Things began to change the Knowles tragedy became old news. The meals people would bring stopped coming. Tara heard the whispers the slowly started to change at first it was 'she lost her mom' is soon changed to 'she's drunken Marks daughter'. Tara didn't care her mother warned her that small towns would always gossip. She was right. Tara found that out first hand.
She can't say she has that many good memories of her father. She can't remember many from before her mother died or it might be all the bad ones shadowed the good. Either way her father had left a mark on her that she would never forget.
She stood outside the morgue, catching her breath. She didn't feel bad for not coming back to see him. He didn't make an effort with her so why would she make one with him. It didn't appeal to her to relive her teenage years by coming back to Charming and seeing the two men that molded her into what she is today. She sent a present for his birthday and Christmas. She rang him every few months most of the time he was out. She resorted to leaving some lame message on the answering machine and not trying again. He had rung her a few times drunk she wouldn't expect much else. His untimely end hadn't come as much of a shock to her. She knew alcohol would be the death of him.
Lost in her own thoughts she jumped when her phone started vibrating.
"T you said you'd call" Kozik breathed down the phone. She had been there for him the last few months. They had grown even closer which she didn't think was possible.
"I'm in Charming" Tara blurted out. She didn't think she could handle a full rant from Kozik. She wasn't in the right head space. She needed to do this and get out of this stupid town before anyone even realized she was there.
"You're what? But Jax is like an hour outside Tacoma" Kozik said even more confused now. He sometimes didn't understand how her mind worked. It was like she had riddles going on in her head. She would work them out step by step even if it was a step backwards.
"I'm not here for Jackson" There was something about her tone that made Kozik more alert.
"Then why?" Kozik simply asked. She didn't answer for a couple of minutes. He knew she was still there from the light breathing on the other side of the phone.
"I'm here for my dad. He died, crashed his car coming back from the bar. He didn't even make it from the scene." Tara explained. Somehow she couldn't detach herself from this. She didn't know was it because he was the last piece of close family she had or if she was actually going to miss the man she hadn't seen in ten years.
"Jesus Tara!" Kozik sighed. "You should have told me"
"I'm telling you now" Tara grumbled.
"What's up your ass, even before this happened with your dad. You've been so moody. Look Tara all I'm saying is we're your family. You shouldn't keep shit like this from us. You should know that we would all want to be there for you." Kozik said quickly. He patients were wearing thin, Tara pushed all the wrong buttons sometimes.
"That's why I didn't tell you" Tara sighed running her hand over her face. "I didn't want you all here. I didn't want him to have a funeral like John Tellers. He doesn't deserve it. I need to do this on my own because it was always going to end this way. I need to do this for me. I didn't tell you or Jax because Jax hated him I understand why. I don't want you here because it is hypocritical on both ends. My father hated the MC and the MC hated my father. I think the one last thing I can do for him before he goes down in the ground is keep the MC away from it." Tara leaned against the wall. Her head was hurting, her body ached all she wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry.
"Tara you're family you should have told us, you should have told me. Just do me one favor ring Jax and tell him. I think he deserves to hear it from you. He should be here in less than an hour now. Give him a call. I'm sorry to hear about your dad. Please call me if you need me" Kozik sighed. He knew she could be so stubborn sometimes so he gave her the space she needed.
"Thank you Koz. I'll call him. I promise to call you if I need you. I'll be back in Tacoma tomorrow evening. Goodbye" Tara said hanging up the phone. She put it back into her pocket before gently turning the door knob into the morgue.
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At first she just thought about how cold it was. She felt the shiver run down her spin, she could she her breath in front of her. It reminded of her of the time her father forgot to pay the heating bill. Her thoughts quickly shifted back to her father. She gently ran her hand over the sheet that covered his body. She hesitated for a slight moment before finally lowering it.
She stood there for a moment unable to move. He hadn't changed much. His hair was greyer, his stomach more rounded, a few wrinkles had gathered around his forehead and eyes. Nothing else about him had changed. It shocked her a bit but she quickly gathered herself again. She stood looking at him unsure what she should do next.
"You know you scared the shit out of me for most of my teenage years. Some kids idolised their fathers, you know the daddy's little girls. I would have to say our relationship couldn't have been further from that if we tried. I know since Mom passed you were never the same man. I think sometimes you wished you died that day to. Being honest sometimes I wished it to."
Tara looked down again at her father. He looked so peaceful. It made her mad somehow, how he was finely at peace and she still had to live with all the shit that happened.
"I know you hated Jax well more me with Jax. Sometimes I thought it was because we have what you and mom had. I think it brought back to many memories for you."
She took another breath as she gently fixed a piece of hair that was out of place.
"You know when you were sober it reminded me of before Mom died. You were so sweet on those rare days. I think that's what pissed me off the most that I knew the real you was still in there." She said pointing at his heart.
"However much I hated you, I think you hated yourself more. I was going to call you soon you know. I was going to call with good news, I didn't really know if you would have cared. You see me and Jax found each other again. Everything is back on track."
Tara smiled to herself thinking about it.
"I was going to tell Jax first but seeing as this is going to be the last time we're alone together I'm going to tell you first. I'm pregnant. I'm only eight weeks. You're going to be a granddad."
Tara took her father's hand tracing his wedding ring.
"You know Dad however much I tried to really hate you, I never really could. At the end of the day you were my dad and I loved you. I hope you finally are at peace and Mom is waiting for you. I think I've finally come to my peace to. Rest in Peace Dad." She let go of her father's hand wiping away the tear the fell from her eye pulling out her phone.
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Kozik had practically run from the clubhouse after getting off the phone with Tara. He didn't want to lie to his brother. When Jax arrived he asked where Tara and Kozik were but was greeted by empty shrugs. He was just about to call Tara when he saw her name flash on his phone.
"Hey Babe! I know I said I was coming for Ghost but I was hoping to see your pretty face to." Jax teased.
"I know Jax!" Tara sighed. "Look there's something I got to tell you."
"Yeah?"
"I'm in Charming!"
Jax didn't say anything for a moment. Why would Tara be in Charming? "Something happened with your dad" Jax finally realised the only other reason Tara would return to Charming.
"He's dead" Tara said leaning against the doorframe of her old room. "Drink driving. I knew it was going to happen someday. No one could be that lucky."
"I'm coming back" Jax announced leaving no room for argument.
"You're not" Tara said simply.
"I'm not?" Jax said shocked and a little pissed. "To hell I'm not your family need to be there for you, I need to be there for you."
"You and my dad never got along Jax. You two hated each other. He hated the MC to. I just need to do this on my own Jax. I know you want to be here for me and I love you for that but I need to do this alone. I need to do it for me. I'll be back in Tacoma tomorrow." Tara said hoping Jax would understand.
He knew every word she said was right. He hated Mark Knowles for everything he put his daughter through and so did SAMCRO. He never understood the undying loyalty she showed him. He knew damn well he didn't deserve it, he didn't deserve her. "Ok babe are you sure?"
"Yeah, yeah I am. I love you Jax"
"Love you too Tara" Jax sighed before ending the call.
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We're slowly getting closer to season 1
