Chapter 11
As the only one left downstairs, it was Caroline who opened the door to welcome Bonnie and Jeremy. She led them into the parlor, avoiding the living room where dead vampire might still be smoldering in the fireplace.
Jeremy was the first to speak. "So I guess Damon hasn't woken up yet?" he said.
Caroline started. She hadn't considered it, but that was the logical assumption to draw from the fact that she was the one who had opened the door. "No," she said slowly. "He's awake, and he's okay. He and Elena are upstairs."
"Are they doing what I think they're doing?" Jeremy asked dryly.
Caroline shook her head sadly. "They're fighting," she said. She hadn't really meant to eavesdrop on the conversation upstairs, but she hadn't been able to help herself. She had never been able to resist gossip, and that hadn't changed since she became a vampire. In fact, super-hearing was downright helpful in gathering dirt on people. The problem was that she didn't want dirt on her friends, at least not this kind.
"Care, what did we miss?" Bonnie asked.
Caroline wasn't sure she could really explain everything that had happened, but she tried. "Elena and I were in the kitchen, and Damon was upstairs taking a shower," she began. "These two vampires showed up and attacked us, and Damon killed them. But he kind of tortured one for information, and Elena got really upset. So now they're fighting."
"Why did two vampires attack you here?" Jeremy asked.
"They were working for the warlock who's after Elena," Caroline explained. She was saved from any further explanation by Damon's abrupt arrival in the parlor. The black-haired vampire didn't bother to greet his guests, and he went straight for the bar in the corner and poured himself a drink. That first drink disappeared down his throat almost immediately, and Damon remained standing by the bar as he poured himself another.
"I'm glad you're okay, Damon," Bonnie ventured.
Damon finally looked up at that, blue eyes smoldering with suppressed emotion. He nodded shortly at Bonnie and threw back his second drink. He was on a hair-trigger, Caroline realized, struggling to retain control of himself and his emotions. She saw Damon physically tremble as Elena entered the room. Her friend kept her brown eyes downcast, not looking at Damon, as she quietly hugged Bonnie.
Caroline decided that this meeting needed to move along quickly before Damon lost it completely and did . . . well, something bad. "So what do we do about this warlock?" she asked in her most businesslike voice, the one that never failed to get people to work on whatever project was on Caroline's agenda.
Unfortunately, the problem of a powerful evil warlock proved a bit more difficult to solve than how to decorate for prom or where to hold the next school fundraiser. No one seemed to have any ideas, and Damon, who could normally be counted on to come up with at least a couple of suggestions even if they were terrible ones, had nothing to say at all. In fact, Caroline was pretty sure that he was only paying attention to his drinking, and Elena seemed just as distracted and apathetic, if less inclined to get drunk. Finally, even Caroline was ready to give up. She sighed. "I think we all need to sleep on this. Homework assignment is for everyone to come up with one warlock-related solution by tomorrow." She smiled brightly around the room, ignoring the rebellious looks that she was getting.
Elena pushed herself up off the couch. "I'm going to get my stuff together. Jer, can you take me home?"
Before Jeremy could answer, Caroline caught his eye and shook her head slightly. That was a bad idea. If Elena went home, it made it less likely that she and Damon would just make up already. But if Elena stayed here, well, surely they couldn't stay mad at each other all night. She jumped in quickly. "No, Elena," she said emphatically. "You'll be safer here, with the warlock after you and all. With Damon."
Elena was careful not to look at Damon. "I'm tired, Care. I want to sleep in my own bed tonight."
Caroline widened her eyes at Bonnie, silently urging her friend to back her up. Bonnie looked a bit doubtful, but she went along with it. "Caroline's right," the witch said. "You'll be safer here, at least until we can figure out a . . . uh, protection spell or something."
Damon spoke for the first time in a long time. "Or we could just kill the guy."
Elena glared furiously at Damon. "That's your solution to everything, isn't it?"
"Not everything, but this – hell yes." Damon glared right back, blue eyes flashing.
Caroline suddenly wondered just how much Damon had managed to drink during that meeting. Maybe her plan to get Elena and Damon back together should be put on hold until the vampire was sober? No, she decided. She had read in a magazine that you were never supposed to go to bed mad, so they would just have to make up tonight. And besides, Damon was pretty much always drunk, anyway. "Okay," she said a bit awkwardly. "We're gonna go. You guys should, uh, get some sleep."
Elena looked pleadingly at Caroline. "Can't I just go home?"
Those brown eyes almost melted Caroline's commitment to her plan. Almost. "Elena, you're safer here."
Somewhat to Caroline's surprise, her friend gave in with a loud sigh. "Fine, I'll stay here. But I'm sleeping in one of the spare bedrooms." She shot another angry look at Damon and stalked off toward the stairs.
Caroline worried a bit when Damon just watched her go, his face like a mask and his body tense. Caroline gave him what she hoped was a sympathetic smile. This was so not what any of them needed, she thought, as she herded a somewhat-reluctant Bonnie and Jeremy toward the door.
•••••
Elena tiptoed down the hall from the spare bedroom where she had been trying to sleep. Her thoughts had kept her tossing and turning, however, and now she silently pushed open the door to Damon's room. He looked to be asleep. He was lying on his stomach and facing away from her, mercifully (for Elena's peace of mind) mostly covered by a sheet for once.
Elena stared at his muscular shoulders and biceps, at the familiar contrast between his pale skin and his jet-black hair. Could she really end things with Damon? She tried to imagine never touching him again or being touched by him, never kissing him again. She wasn't at all sure she could bear that, but she felt like she had had a revelation about the extent to which a killer lurked inside Damon at all times. It was stupid because Damon had never tried to hide what he was, but watching him kill so easily – and with such cold, unforgiving cruelty – had shocked her more than she ever would have expected. He had tried to become a better man for her, and he had become a better man, but he was still a vampire, and she felt like she had forgotten for a while what that meant.
She also wondered if it mattered that Damon had killed other vampires, not humans. If Elena considered Damon, Stefan, and Caroline to be her friends and believed their lives to be as valuable as those of any human, and obviously she did, then how could she label all vampires she didn't know as evil? On the other hand, she knew that the two vampires had intended to kidnap her and would probably have killed Caroline for standing in their way. Did it matter that Damon had only acted to protect her? After thinking about it for hours, Elena couldn't even decide if Damon had done anything wrong. She just knew that she wasn't entirely comfortable with what had taken place.
Elena also feared what might happen to Damon, what else he might do, if she broke up with him. Would he lose the control over his emotions that he had painstakingly struggled to gain? He had told her that he was no longer capable of switching off his emotions, but what if that wasn't the case and he spiraled back into being the vampire she had first met? He had been much more stable, even happy, in the weeks that they had been together. She had promised Stefan that she would be careful with his brother's heart, and now she was contemplating breaking it.
Elena realized that she had gotten lost in the illusion of a normal life these past few weeks, studying with Damon and shopping with Damon and having dinner with Damon. She had wanted that normal life with him because she did love him and she knew how much he loved her, but today she had realized that she had been in denial about the fact that he was a vampire and life with him could never be normal. Could she truly live with, and love, someone who could unleash a killer within him at any moment? But could she live without Damon?
After another minute of staring at Damon's sleeping form, Elena turned from his door and headed back down the hallway. She truly didn't know what she was going to do.
•••••
Damon blinked back tears when he heard Elena turn away from his room and pad back down the hallway after a few minutes of watching him pretend to sleep. He had desperately hoped that she would come to him, that she would join him in bed and they could make everything right between them. He didn't know what he would do if he had truly lost her. It was his worst nightmare. Elena had come to her senses and realized that she didn't belong with him. She had seen the monster that Damon knew he still was, and she had fled from him. As she should. But it was breaking his heart to lose her.
•••••
Elena came downstairs the next morning to find a pot of coffee waiting in the kitchen, but no sign of Damon. For a long minute, she stared at the spot where Damon had killed the female vampire. Someone had cleaned up the room, and there was no trace of the previous day's events. Except in her mind, of course.
Finally, Elena poured herself a cup of coffee. She didn't even try to eat anything; her stomach had been in knots since her fight with Damon the previous day. She found him on the back porch, sitting at the patio table and staring off into the woods behind the house. He was dressed in his usual head-to-toe black, and she watched for a moment as he picked up the mug in front of him and sipped. The morning sun brushed over his strong shoulders and drew out highlights in his shiny black hair. In profile, face still as he contemplated the morning, Damon Salvatore looked even more stunningly beautiful than usual. She just watched him for a moment, desperately wishing that she could forget the previous afternoon and evening had ever happened, that she could go back in time and do something, anything differently. She wasn't sure if she wanted to stop what she had seen the previous day or stop herself from falling in love with him in the first place. But she couldn't change either, and she knew it. Finally, Elena walked outside and sat down in the chair next to his. "Good morning," she said.
"Morning." Damon glanced at her, and she saw hope flash in his blue eyes before he ruthlessly suppressed it. The knot in her stomach got worse.
"Damon, about yesterday," Elena began, before hesitating as she searched for the right words. She had planned this out in bed, but one look at him had sent all her carefully composed speech right out of her head. "I'm sorry I flipped out at you. I know you were just trying to protect me, and you've been nothing but honest with me about who – what – you are." Damon had turned to look at her, and that tentative hope was back in his eyes and on his face. Elena almost had to close her eyes to go on. "But . . . but I don't know if I can do this. I need some time."
She forced herself to watch the hurt that appeared in Damon's eyes for a second. Then it was gone, and his walls were back up, his expression shuttered and emotionless. She hadn't seen those walls in weeks, and it was killing her that she had just been the cause of him shutting down, closing her out. God, she thought. We had come so far. What have I done? But she had thought about it all night, and she hadn't reached any conclusions. No matter how much she loved him and how much she hated to hurt him, she had to sort out her feelings before she let things go any further between them.
"Take all the time you need," Damon said after a beat of silence. His voice was almost cold, and he turned away from her to stare back out at the woods. "I'll be here."
Elena couldn't leave it at that. She had to try to explain things to him. "I love you, Damon. I do. That's always been real. I . . . I just have to figure out if that's enough. Just a couple of days, okay?"
"It's fine. I understand."
He didn't, she knew. Then she had a horrible thought. Maybe he did. It was worse to realize that part of Damon had always thought that she would come to see him as a monster and that she would end up leaving him. He had never really believed that she should choose him, she remembered with horror. "Damon, I . . ." Her voice broke on a sob, and she didn't know what else to say.
"Just go, Elena. Please."
Elena nodded, forcing back tears. Slowly, she walked back toward the house. She heard something shatter behind her, and she turned back abruptly. Damon's coffee cup was no longer sitting on the table; it lay in pieces on the ground where he had flung it into one of the stone columns. Damon was sitting with slumped shoulders, his face buried in his hands. At the sight, Elena wanted nothing more than to turn back and comfort him, tell him that she would love him forever. But she reminded herself of those same hands covered with blood, tearing a woman's heart from her chest. She was so confused. She kept walking.
