A/N:
1) Sincere thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: Singer Salvage, EmeraldWings90, IONCTM, Abandon-Morality, Dazja, NinjaxxxApocalypse, MilkyWayGalaxy, and Foxyperv. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.
Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.
2) In case I'm not back to update for a couple weeks (which I probably won't be), Happy Holidays to all!
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"Ah, so you didn't sprout rhizomes after all…. could'a fooled me, what with all the green you wear."
Despite himself, Loki laughs, chuckles really – how can he not, who else would have dared say that - until the sound dies off in a strangled noise he desperately hopes wasn't akin to a sob, because the mortal hasn't even turned to look at him, focused entirely on a diorama of multicolored strands of light that branch out in the air around him – holograms if Loki remembers the Midgardian term correctly – and it looks so much like the detective's 'spiders web' with which he'd tracked down the consulting criminal who had for all effects and purposes killed him….. that every bit of the grief and loss and hopelessness eating at Loki bubbles up, strangling him.
Despite himself, though …. despite the fact that he should keep his distance for the mortal's sake at least, Loki steps closer, fascinated by the way the mortal's fingers manipulate the intangible light rays…. entranced by his mind which is centuries ahead of the world as it always has been…. because Loki can't help but be drawn to that, just like in his previous life, even if then he hadn't known he was a monster…. and again, he suddenly recoils as if burned, because he recognizes some of the images that float at the ends of those strands of light… sees some of the illustrations from various Midgardian myths about him…. and realizes that it is he who the mortal is investigating this time.
Perhaps his nightmares were right after all…. because he is the modern equivalent of the deranged sadistic professor…. as he only ever could be…. a monster by blood, and who else, what else could have ever tried to murder the mortal he had once loved?
"Whoa…. you okay there? Earth to Loki!"
It's the mortal's voice that snaps him out of his thoughts, and Loki look up again, regretting it immediately as he takes in the fact that the mortal is literally standing just inches away from him, looking at him with an indefinable emotion in his eyes which encompasses sympathy that should not exist – and which reminds him only too well, too bitterly, of that exact same expression in the detective's gaze when Loki had realized that their love could never be realized and decided to leave Midgard but hadn't known how to tell the mortal – and just over his head, connected to the red strands of the diorama, freeze-frames of the battle where he'd almost killed Tony…. zoomed in to show the two of them only.
Stepping back, Loki wishes he could laugh – laugh at the ingenious cruelty of it all, laugh because this isn't a blessing as Thor would like to think but the cruelest punishment anyone could have ever dreamed up for him…. because it hurts it hurts it hurts… it claws at his insides, suffocating him, and nothing can make it stop.
The mortal's voice strikes him like lightning – jars him like a strike from Mjolnir – but not nearly as much as the hand that rests on his shoulder, because this touch should bring pain but it is nothing if not reassuring, and it matches the sympathy softening the blatant curiosity:
"Really, what's eating at you, Loki?"
No, this isn't punishment, this is a nightmare – it only gets worse – because he has to be loosing his mind, because this mirrors exactly what Holmes had said to him on their last day together "What's troubling you, Loki?"…. because though the detective had known for a while about his powers, he had trapped Loki in the hallway of the rooms they had so briefly shared, trusting him not to hurt him, when he stopped the immortal's movement away from him with one hand on his shoulder that he could have so easily pushed away were he so inclined…. and it can't be, because this touch is that of a friend, close to that of a lover, even…. not the mortal he'd very nearly sent to an agonizing death…. not that of someone who can never trust him, not after all this.
Apparently the fact registers in the mortal's mind too, because he suddenly lifts his hand away and steps back – as well he should – except Loki thinks for a brief second that the mortal's expression is one of confusion, not fear….. and he knows that he simply has to be deceiving himself by now, but it's easier, easier than remembering how he'd reluctantly answered the detective's question…. how he had explained that what they had shared was doomed, and in so doing, cut short what they could have shared, never knowing how little time the detective had left.
Seemingly having found something he's been looking for, the mortal walks though the rays of light, severing some of the strings as he discards some information he must have just now deemed irrelevant, and then turns again to Loki, finishing with a still too-cavalier:
"You look like a kicked puppy."
The ridiculous comparison is enough to snap Loki out of his memories – a mercy, really – and for just a few moments he can pretend that he isn't trapped in the one nightmare which can still hurt him after all those that he's made himself numb to, replying in what he hopes is his normal carefree tone, as he takes in the SHIELD file on him suspended there with the rest of the information in Tony's web:
"I'm insulted, Stark…. those myths are miserably inaccurate."
At that, the mortal laughs – actually laughs – severing all the green strands with a sharp cutting motion of one hand, letting the mythology illustrations vanish, before replying with a clearly skeptical:
"Uh-uh."
Wishing to change the topic, before the mortal lets his disbelief reach the point of becoming a question - because Loki had never been truly able to deceive Holmes and that might not have changed – Loki asks one of his own, attempting nonchalance as he gestures to the web of damning reality:
"Do you usually do this?"
Tony's reply is entirely relaxed, confident, proud even… despite the fact that he should be wary:
"The holographic interface? I use that for everything – I built it myself…. the diorama? no – you're a knottier problem than the architecture of my suit."
And Loki can't help but react – because when the mortal said problem he thought immediately 'enemy', as he only could have interpreted the word…. but now he knows it was meant in the sense of a riddle…. a question that demands to be answered…. which is exactly what Holmes had said to him all those years ago when they had first met, without so much blood and pain between them….. without having been enemies…. and Loki finally breaks, hoping the rage in his tone will hide the tears in his eyes:
"What is wrong with you, mortal? I tried to kill you… why do you have me here? what do you want with me?"
He hopes, desperately prays, that finally his outburst of anger will have provoked enough fear on Tony's part that the inventor will not have noticed his voice hitch on that second part…. hopes that he'll come to his senses and end this as it can only ever end…. but he only gets part of his wish, because though the mortal makes no indication that he noticed that suspicious breaking of Loki's tone, he also doesn't even flinch, instead calmly replying:
"Yeah, I probably should be bothered by that…. but the truth is… I'm more bothered by the fact that you saved me….. and as for what I want, Loki…. I want answers, for starters…. you fascinate me."
Loki swallows hard, choked by the fresh wave of pain as again this incarnation mirrors his previous too-short life, from his persistence and insatiable curiosity, right down to his near-unshakeable stoicism at times…. because what can he say to that? There is nothing left to tell – nothing that matters now that he's a monster rather than a variety of god… now that he tried to kill the mortal - and correctly interpreting his silence, the mortal moves away, changing a couple connections in his web, before saying with a small smug smile:
"I guess I'm going to have to figure it out myself…. fine."
Fighting back the pain that wells up in him, trying not to let it show as he looks at the frozen image of his mortal love, dying by his own hand…. tries not to think about the blood streaming though his lips, choking him…. and the complex mix of emotions in that gaze which had revealed to Loki the entire cruel horrifying truth - not now that the mortal is studying him closely, observing his reaction as it were - Loki almost flinches as the images shrink again, dispersed to the edges of the enormous web as the mortal brushes them away as if insignificant and comes to stand in front of him…. so close, so vulnerable, despite the fact that Loki knows Tony has taken some safety precautions, reassuring him quietly…. gently even:
"I will figure out why, Loki."
And at that, the dam breaks…. because for all that it doesn't matter, for all that the past in another lifetime can never make up for his crimes against the mortal in this one…. Loki cannot help but wish it were true, because maybe then the mortal wouldn't hate him quite as much…. maybe he could at least know that Loki wasn't always the destroyer of worlds and that he once had it in him to love, for all that it could never save what he murdered when he tried to kill Tony….. but even that can never happen, and it's too much to bear so he replies quietly…. brokenly:
"You can't…."
Those words are as final – and as devastating – as that last silent look that the detective had given his friend before leaping to his death….. and just as bitterly hopeless, because even Holmes who solved these kinds of riddles for all of his life wouldn't have been able to solve this…. because reincarnation was in the realm of 'impossible', not 'improbable' for the detective, and that hasn't changed.
Despite that, Tony scoffs – as Loki already knew he would, given the idea of a mental limitation – and replies, more gently than Loki could have ever expected, reaching for and expanding two of the still images from that fateful battle, this time of Loki, one of gleeful madness, the other of the devastation that had followed so quickly:
"Yeah, well, at least I know where to start looking…. because something changed for you between this point in time and this one…. and that narrows it down quite significantly."
Loki almost laughs, despite himself…. because aside from Holmes, he'd never met anyone who could look so calmly and detachedly at an event that had been so horrifyingly painful for him…. anyone who could refer to it as just another piece of data…. and never thought he would again, but even the inevitable amusement doesn't last long, doesn't lift the shroud of hopelessness enveloping him – or the flickers of something too weak to even be hope as the mortal continues, perceptive as ever:
"…. and even if it doesn't… I have to, Loki…. because sometimes, when you look at me, I can swear you're looking at someone else….. because you're walking around like you're trapped in your worst nightmare, and I've never seen you look this defeated and…. broken….ever before… not even when we've all taken turns smashing your head into the nearest hard surface….."
Unable to take any more, Loki turns on his heel and walks out…. because it hurts too much, because the mortal is correct as always… because he sounds like he cares…. and Loki cannot sit by and listen to ephemeral words that give him hopes which can only be cruelly untrue…. cannot let his desperation lead him to believing in a dream world which will crash and burn like the rest of his dreams, even if it is all he deserves.
And despite that, despite his efforts to avoid any more misery… because even he can't take any more …. it isn't enough, because as he collapses out of sight on the stairs, through the soundproof glass that would have kept a mortal from hearing anything within, he can barely make out words not meant for his ears:
"…. and because I just can't shake the feeling that I know you, Loki."
As suffocating silence falls, following that statement, Loki sighs bitterly, before wandering aimlessly back to his room, because Tony cannot remember Loki, cannot remember his previous life, or anyone in it…. not Loki, not Watson, or even Moriarty - the only memories Loki's grateful that the mortal has lost despite the fact it probably makes Loki a hypocrite - because Holmes, everything he learned and lived, is gone forever, and there is no bringing that back.
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