Harley looked at herself in the compact Kory had loaned her. She filled out the catsuit, no pun intended, pretty well, but the face… Harley relaxed her obnoxiously wide grin into a scowl. No, that didn't work. Too pouty. She pursed her lips, then slightly parted them. Too vampy for a seductress. Finally, she decided on her smuggest, smallest smirk. She hoped it was more bwahahaha, I am so awesome than weeeeeeeee!
She was feeling a bit weeeeee! at the moment, though. Goin' off on a mission with her two new friends, even if one of them was (blech!) Batgirl, but better her than her Y-chromosome counterpart. Now there was a grouch. Batgirl could apparently loosen up from time to time. And Kory was fun, if a little spastic. That girl needed to be more like her and Ivy. Playin' it coooool.
"You know the plan, right?" Batgirl said.
Harley was toying with her whip… not playing with it, not after she'd accidentally hit Kory while trying to ship it, just coiling it and snapping it and throwing it around her neck like a feather boa.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."
"When you find Flash, and if you can't get him out on your own, press the red button. See? Big red button. Then we'll come and get you."
"Okay, okay, I got it!"
"The big red button. Don't forget."
Harley stuck her tongue out at her when Batgirl turned her back.
Starfire, in the co-pilot's seat, checked the map. "The tube of booming let us out in Nuuk."
"Nuuk?" Batgirl repeated.
"Who's there?" Harley said automatically.
Batgirl favored her with a glare. "The iceberg is just a little ways up the coast. Harley, I've already rented you a snowmobile. We'll drop you off at the rental place, you follow the instructions in this cell-phone."
She handed Harley a cell-phone with the screen set to a GPS. It was already flashing directions to the iceberg.
"Any questions?"
"Nope. If I run into any trouble, I'll just hit the big blue button!"
Wally wasn't going to do it. He knew he could do it, but he still had his dignity. He would think of a way out of this.
The candle burnt away another strand of rope.
Wally looked heavenward. "I know I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there, help me Superman!"
For once, ski masks were appropriate attire. There were two guards in front of the iceberg, on the thick ice that formed a rough coast for it to dock at. A passerby might ask what they were guarding, if there were any passersby.
"I thought there'd be penguins," the first guard said.
The second guard turned to him. "Penguins are native to Antarctica. We're in the Arctic."
"I know that now. But it would've been nice if someone had told me that before I signed up to come up here and freeze my ass off."
"What, you think the Secret Society of Supervillains has an obligation to inform its employees of the fauna and flora of the location to which they're deployed?"
"It'd be nice, yeah. I thought I'd get to see a penguin."
"Go to a zoo. And besides, not like it's a complete wash up here. You've got caribou."
"Caribou? C'mon, that's just deer."
The low growl of an engine pervaded the air. Both men reached for their rifles.
"I'm just saying, you know, if we were posted in a place which had man-eating tigers, you'd expect we'd be informed?"
"Well, that's a danger. Penguins aren't dangerous."
"What about the Penguin? He might have something rigged up like a genetically engineered penguin that eats flesh. Or one that shoots rockets."
"A rocket-shooting penguin? What kind of organization do you think we're running here?"
The snowmobile came into sight. Both men aimed at it.
"I think a rocket-shooting penguin could be kind of interesting. Baroque, you know."
"I don't know of any self-respecting supervillain who would want to share the stage with a rocketeer penguin."
"Well, just cuz ya don't know any… what about Roxy Rocket, or whatever her name is? If she and the Penguin had a team-up…"
"Ick, could you imagine what the kids would look like?"
"Get your mind out of the gutter. Why does everything always have to be about sex with you?"
The snowmobile pulled to a stop in front of them and Catwoman waved. "Hey ya, boys, I've come to check out your installation… I've heard it's the cat's meow."
"Hey, it's Catwoman! Settle something for us… should an employer tell you whether or not your workplace will have penguins in it?"
Catwoman sat back, imposed upon. "Well, would you have cause to expect penguins?"
"It's the Arctic!"
"There aren't any penguins in the Arctic Circle. Everyone knows that."
"See?" the second guard said. "Told you."
"Can I go on ahead? I'd hate to be late. It'd be… a cat-astrophe."
"Yeah, sure, go on ahead."
The iceberg lowered its drawbridge and Catwoman rode her snowmobile inside.
"She's cute."
"Oh, what am I, chopped liver?"
"Bradley, don't be like that? I was just admiring—"
"You're always just admiring! Like you and that slut from Accounting…"
"I told you, she's just a friend!"
"You look at all your friends like that?"
"So what if I do?"
"Well, if she's happy being treated like a piece of meal…"
"Baby!"
"Don't 'baby' me!"
"Ah, young love," Harley said as she stepped off her snowmobile and stretched. "I wish I had someone like that. Someone to love and cuddle and have a cute pet name for. Ah well, time to find Flashy."
She walked through the hollowed-out iceberg. It had lots of tunnels carved into it, and there were pipes running along them. Harley followed one until she found a henchman.
"You there, minion-boy! I hear you've cat-ught the Flash. Take me to him."
"Why should I?"
She reached out and twisted his ear. "I'm not pussyfooting around! Take me to the Flash"
"Ow ow ow! Okay, okay! Geez, you're not a nice person."
"Yes," Harley said proudly. "I'm bad to the fishbone."
Wally had never really thought about dying. He thought it would be in the heat of battle, with him too busy looking good to feel it. But the handcuffs were cutting off his circulation and above even the garden-on-acid smell of the Pit, he could smell the smoke from the candle burning away his lifeline.
Then Catwoman walked in.
Except she didn't have the same bust as Catwoman. And Wally paid a lot of attention to that kind of thing. Plus, she walked different. Catwoman had a very high-heel kind of walk, hips swinging, breasts jiggling just so, sultry smirk in place… this Catwoman kinda… flounced.
Harley.
She snapped her whip. "Oooh! Shiny death-trap! What's that stuff down there?" she asked the guard who'd come in with her.
"The Lazarus Pit. It is the life-blood of the planet. It can either give life or take it away."
"So it doesn't turn him into a lemur or anything?"
"No."
"And when the rope snaps, he falls?"
"Yes."
"That's it?"
"I think I'm ready to talk now!" Wally shouted.
"And the only thing severing the rope is that candle?"
"Yes. I should get Mistress Talia, she must know of this!"
"In a minute." She squinted at the candle. "Couldn't you have sprung for some dripping acid or tied a razor onto one of those little wooden bird thingeys that keep bopping up and down?"
"Harley! Get me down from here!"
The guard raised an eyebrow. "He just called you Harley."
"No he didn't."
"Yes he did. I heard him."
"He must've been saying 'hardly'."
"'Hardly' getting me down from here?" the guard said, dubious.
"Yes." Harley saw that the guard wasn't convinced. "Nice place you've got here. This is the purr-fect lair."
The rope tore down to a strand.
"This is the first time since high school it hasn't been good to be me!" Wally moaned.
The rope snapped and Harley grabbed it. She quickly shoved it into the guard's hands.
"Here, hold this," she said as she unlimbered her whip.
Harley cracked it up, wrapping the end around a stalactite. She swung as the guard realized he really shouldn't be helping a prisoner escape death. The guard let go and Harley caught Wally, swinging the two of them onto the opposite side of the Lazarus Pit. She landed on top of him.
"Nice outfit," he said.
"Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all."
"You can get off me now."
She did. He elbowed his way to his feet, just in time to see the guards taking up position at the other end. He tackled Harley to the ground as they opened fire, bullets shivving overhead.
"So that's your real face," Harley said. "Never would've figured you for a ginger."
Wally held his handcuffs up to her face. "Got a lockpick?"
She produced a handcuff key from behind his ear and unlocked him. He rolled off her. Together, they belly-crawled away from the gunfire splashing around them.
"I thought your cheekbones would be higher," Harley said.
"The mask is cut to change up the line of my face. It was Batman's idea."
They took cover behind a stalagmite to catch their breaths. Bullets sparked off the other side of it. To the left and the right were more passages carved out of the ice. Harley tensed to make a break for it, but Wally grabbed her hand. She held still.
"Wait til they reload," he said. And, surprising her, it wasn't an order but… advice. Like he might give one of his teammates.
"So, does Batman always tell you what to wear? Bat-Eye for the Speedy Guy?" Harley recognized the trunks, tights, and black army boots Wally was wearing.
"I'm not the one who's wearing all leather."
From one of the passages came the crunch of ice underfoot. Shadows rounded the corner. Harley moved herself into a sprinter's position.
"Not yet," Wally said, though he did the same.
The gunfire stopped—
"Now!"
--And started back up, nipping at their heels. More guards rounded the corner, but before they could open fire their targets disappeared deeper into the iceberg.
"You have a plan?" Wally asked as they ran blindly.
"Oh, yeah!" Harley pulled the panic button from her catsuit. "I just press the big red button and—"
She tripped. The panic button went flying, eventually falling through a crack in the ice.
"What did that do?" Wally asked humorlessly.
"Uhh… sprayed perfume."
"Whatever."
They ran past a cart full of Lazarus barrels. Wally stopped, summoned up all his concentration, and chopped at the lock that held it shut. The Speed Force conked out halfway through, so he fractured his hand. But the lock was smashed open and barrels spilled out, hitting the pursuing guards.
"Barrel of laughs," Wally smirked and ran to catch up with Harley.
"What about you?" Harley asked when he caught up (with the greatest of ease). "Don't you have any bat-gadgets?"
"They took away my belt."
"Good idea."
"Wait…" Wally hopped on one foot, pulling a beacon from his bootheel. "This emits an ultrasonic signal that attracts bats." He slapped his forehead. "Which would be useful if there were bats in the Arctic."
"Give it here!" Harley demanded, and he handed it over. She immediately began fiddling with it. "I used to build all of Mistah J's gadgets… I picked up a few things… with a little modification this can crack the ice and cause a cave-in!"
A gunshot whistled overhead, chipping the ice up ahead. Wally grabbed her by the hand and pulled her down a fork in the road.
"I can't work and run at the same time!" Harley protested.
"Fine." Wally picked her up in a fireman's carry. "You work, I run."
And he did. The guards dogged their every turn, trying to cut them off. One intercepted Wally, who kicked him in the gut and threw him at the pursuing force. His body tripped them up. More gunshots rang out as Wally took another path. One bullet frayed Harley's catsuit.
"I cannot work under these conditions!" she screeched.
Wally crossed paths with two guards, who were just bringing their weapons up when Wally threw Harley into them. The first guard caught her, the second guard caught a right hook from Wally. The first guard dropped Harley, who kicked him with a long leg shooting up nearly 90 degrees. Wally stared at her as she put her leg back down.
"What?"
"Nothing," Wally said as he picked up one of the fallen guns. "You wouldn't happen to know how to use one of these things, would ya?"
Harley tightened a screw on the gadget. "Point it at anything wearing spandex, pull the trigger, spandex guy goes away."
"Uh-huh," Wally repeated.
The guards were just coming around the corner when Wally fired at them, the recoil almost throwing the machine gun out of his hands. He couldn't get it under control, but his wild firing kept the guards back. At least until it clicked empty.
"Done!" Harley cried.
Wally grabbed it, turned it on, and threw it at the guards.
"You do know what the range on that thing is, don't you?" Harley asked.
"Range?"
A crack in the ice ran between them.
"Run!" Wally said.
"That's your solution to everything!" Harley grumbled as he pulled her to her feet behind him.
The noisy death throes of the ice slammed against their ears, cracking and shattering all around them. Wally stepped on a crack wrong, tripping. Harley's hand slipped from his and she paused for a moment before running back to help him. And that was when the floor dropped out from under them.
