Day 20: Morning


Kyle slammed his locker shut, eyes half-lidded in boredom. Lately, he and Stan had been back to avoiding each other–or at least, avoiding any alone time or real conversation. And Kyle was starting to feel it. Being around Stan was fun. Hanging around the other kids was pretty fun too, but he was starting to get the feeling that he was just biding his time until Stan came back. When he and Stan did hang out, it was in the context of the group, and their interactions were practiced. It was better this way–at least for a little while, Kyle reasoned. They just needed to find their footing again. Talking about it had helped.

Kyle drew a shaky breath, remembering how exasperated Stan had sounded during his outburst a few days ago. You can't say that kind of stuff to me.

He sighed. He knew that mentally turning over moments like that–those rare, forbidden flashes of desire or vulnerability–wasn't going to help him get back to normal with his friend. Back to normal. That's what really mattered, not hovering around some morbid curiosity.

"...Hi, Kyle,"

Kyle jumped. He realized he had been staring at his locker for the past twenty seconds. Then he realized who had just addressed him.

"Hi, Wendy."

Wendy smiled, but it was sad and a little strained. "This might sound odd, but if I ask you about Stan, will you promise not to bring it up to him later?"

Kyle considered this. "I guess so," he relented cautiously.

She took a breath, composing herself. "It's not that complicated. I just want to know if he's doing okay."

"Why don't you just go ask him yourself?" Kyle asked, sounding tired. The last time she had asked him that was when this whole mess had gotten started. Wendy nervously tucked some hair behind her ear.

"I don't know if I'm ready to talk to him yet. He broke my heart a little, you know."

Suddenly, Kyle was on the defensive. "Look, Stan didn't mean to–"

"–I know, I know," she interrupted. "It's not his fault, and he deserves someone who can make him happy. But there's still a part of me that takes it as a rejection."

"He's not rejecting you," Kyle pointed out pragmatically, making two walls of a box with his hands. "He's rejecting your entire gender. It's not like you made him gay."

"But what if I did?" Wendy burst out before she could stop herself. She immediately looked ashamed. "No, you're right. Obviously. My heart hasn't caught up to my brain yet, I guess."

Kyle paused, a 'Why are you telling me this?' perched on his tongue. But Wendy's crestfallen expression made him soften.

"Wendy, you're really smart. And pretty. And cool, for a girl." He sighed, explaining himself in a clear, impatient tone. "So you can choose to believe that Stan realized he was gay because you weren't good enough... or you can know he realized it because you were so great he figured if he couldn't feel that spark with you, he definitely wouldn't feel it with any other girl."

Wendy thought about this for a moment, smiling slowly. "Yeah. So maybe I didn't turn him off of girls... I just helped him on his way. Thanks, Kyle. You're pretty smart yourself, you know."

She continued to smile at him. Kyle coughed.

"But I didn't mean to talk about my problems," she quickly added. "How is, um... how is he doing?"

"Fine, I guess," Kyle answered shortly, wanting this conversation to end. Wendy gave him a searching look, but he only shrugged. She sighed, realizing that this was all she was going to get out of him. He could tell she was wishing Stan had some female friends that she could ask instead.

"I hope he's doing well. In a way, I'm actually proud of him. It takes a lot of courage to listen to yourself and consider a strange new possibility instead of running away from it or pretending it doesn't exist."

"Yeah," Kyle agreed, but for some reason, her words bothered him.

"A lot of people refuse to change. They try to hold on to one version of themselves forever. But I think that's like refusing to live. Life isn't stagnant! It's inside every little leap of faith. What Stan did for himself was inspiring."

Wendy had adopted a dreamy, excited sort of expression, gesturing grandly. But she quickly caught herself.

"Anyway, thanks for the advice, Kyle!"

With that, she hurried off, catching up to a small group of girls headed down the hall.

Kyle stared after her for a moment, trying to process what had just happened. For some reason, her dumb little speech about having the courage to consider a change was still nagging at him.

"God... God dammit," he mumbled, hitting his head against his locker.