She let me in the front door then I swear I heard her take a deep breath before she closed it. This cannot be good, at all! My nerves hit another level while she walked over to the living room. I could see that it took a lot out of her to even look me in the eye; but she did and what I saw, I never wanted to see again. Alison had the saddest blue eyes I had ever seen and to think that I had something to do with sucking the light out of them, hurt me to the core.
"Ali," I looked up at her from the couch. She stood with her fingers intertwined in front of her, "what's wrong?" My voice stood heavy on the thinnest line – wobbling.
She took a while to answer. When she finally looked up from her hands, she said, "Emily… I don't know where to begin."
"How about you start with 'why you freaked today'," I suggested. The room was poorly lit, casting a faint shadow across her features. She was extremely difficult to read and I noticed that she kept a distance; refusing to sit on the couch next to me.
Standing a few feet from me, she began, "Hearing you say that we were basically each other's booty-call made me realise that this was a mistake…"
"Ali, I love being with you in that way, believe me. Did that really piss you off that much? I wasn't rejecting you or anything. I just wanna do other stuff with you and…" I started rambling because the look on her face scared me to death – like she was about to do something stupid.
"Emily… just let me finish," she interrupted with a broken voice. The fraction of light that hit her deep blue eyes showed tears that had already swollen up. And my heart was beating so loudly that it sent a pulsation throughout my entire body.
"No! Ali, no, you can't say that this is a mistake. We are not a mistake. I love you… And I know you love me. Right?" I questioned. Honestly her body language in that moment made me wonder if I'd made the whole thing up in my head. It wouldn't be the first time.
She subtly wiped the falling tears from her eyes; looking away in attempts to hide it from me. I could feel it coming and I wanted nothing more but to go over there and hold her but I was frozen to the seat just waiting for her to completely level this relationship to the ground.
"I'm so sorry Emily," she was becoming hysterical; "I swear I don't wanna hurt you. I swear… I just… I can't do this."
"Ali… please don't… please… don't do this to me again," I could feel pieces of me falling to the floor the more she spoke and the harder she cried.
"Emily…" I couldn't believe she was about to do it.
"Ali, listen… I don't care about the sex. We can do it as much as you want. I don't care, just please don't end this because of something I said."
"It's not about the sex!" she yelled, just as torn up as I was.
"Then what is it! What!... I am so in love with you. I can't not be with you Alison. Why are you doing this?"
"Because I was wrong! Because I thought I had feelings for you but I was wrong," my mouth fell open, and I was done. She finally did it. She finally broke whatever was left inside of me that allowed me to love her. "Oh God!" she struggled to catch her breath; I was stone by then, "I just needed someone to love me at that time… I… I can't do this anymore Emily… I should've never let this get so far. I love you… I just... I don't feel the same way."
"How can you… How can do that to me! And have the nerve to say that you love me! The minute you got home, I fell right back into the stupid, head-over-heels fool I was years ago. I should've known that you were incapable of loving anyone but yourself! I… I wasted so much time on you." I could tell that my words burnt her but I could care less. I was so done with her.
"I'm sorry Emily. You deserve so much better than this… I …"
"I deserve so much better than you… I mean, aren't you tired of breaking my heart. All you do is bring pain to whoever tries to care about you. You deserve exactly what you're gonna get. You will never find someone to love you the way I do!"
"I'm sorry. I never wanted to use you and I tried to reciprocate the love but…"
"Save it… save it for the next person because I am done with you."
I slammed the door on my way out. Too furious to even cry, I headed straight for Hanna's house. I felt like that piece of paper that gets stuck to your shoe in the bathroom. I felt so stupid, so worthless and so self-loathing because even though I said those things, I know I can never stop loving her. I wanted to die so badly; walking around loving someone like that was worse than death.
When I got to Hanna's house, her mum answered the door. By then I was drenched in tears; my eyes puffy red.
"I-I'm sorry Mrs. Marin… is Hanna home?" I sobbed.
"Emily… what's wrong, sweetheart?" she hugged me immediately.
"I just really need to talk to Hanna right now, please," I begged trying my very best not to crumble before her.
"Yeah, yeah, just head right up," she said shocked by the entire situation.
On site, Hanna grabbed me into a hug, right before I exploded in tears. I had never cried so hard before; so emotionally destroyed. I even surprised myself. Hanna didn't ask anything, she just held onto me until I stopped.
"Hanna," my voice hadn't yet recovered, "Alison broke up with me."
"What? Why?" she questioned.
I left her question unanswered because I didn't want to affect the relationship they had just rebuilt. There I was again, putting her before myself. I fell asleep in Hanna's bed not long after she brought me some tea.
The next morning I woke up to the sound of Hanna shuffling around the room. I can't even remember if she slept in the bed or not. I didn't care.
"Hey," she came over and stroked my hair, "how'd you sleep? I called your mum and told her you were spending the night here so you don't have to worry about rushing home."
"Thank you Hanna, I just… I don't even know how to react right now."
"Look Emily, I saw you guys together… I don't understand what could have happened to make Ali do this. What happened?" she pried.
"This was never what she wanted. She never loved me," I looked at Hanna; I was a shell and I could see the pity projecting onto me.
"That's just crazy. Ali loves you. She never loved anyone the way she loves you. That I know for a fact. If she said that, I guarantee that there is a different reason. Do you want me to talk to her?" she flashed her eyes at mine trying desperately to read my expression. I'm not sure I even had one.
"No… thank you, Hanna. You're such an amazing friend. I really needed you last night," I thanked her.
"Don't say it like that. You might give people the wrong idea," she joked, getting a smile out of me. But that was the last time I smiled for that entire week.
I got home to the coldest house. Everything seemed so dead and meaningless. Her words replayed in my head for days and I thanked God that I didn't have to face her at school. I could literally just go to college and move on without ever seeing or speaking to Alison again. And I know one day I would wake up and find reasons to blame myself for what happened, maybe fall right back in love with her but I'll be so far away from the toxicity that is Alison Dilaurentis, that it wouldn't matter.
