Penelope starts awake just after 5:00 AM. Something's startled her, but she can't say what it is. All she is sure of, is that this time it wasn't a nightmare. It was a sound from inside the church. Penelope looks around. Everyone in the sanctuary is accounted for, as far as her blind eyes can see. There is no way of knowing what the boys are up to. She hopes they are all okay, and tries to go back to sleep. It proves a pointless exercise, so Penelope gets up and heads for the ladies room. When all else fails, right?
She is on her way, fully intending to relieve herself and go back to sleep, when she notices a door leading out has been left, propped open by a rock. She stops and studies it. The size of the thing combined with its position let Penelope know that this can't possibly be random. She thinks of what this could mean. Thinks of someone from the outside coming in and stealing from the church. But, really, what could this church have that would be worth stealing.
"No offense, God…" she murmurs quietly.
She takes care of business and is on her way back, when the door in question is pulled open and Derek Morgan slips in, quiet as a thief. He is pale, dirty and looking well and truly depressed. But it's more than that. Penelope's sixth sense is working overtime. Something is really wrong here.
Without a word, she takes his arm and leads him back outside. She walks around to the side of the church and to the picnic tables far enough away that they will not be overheard by anyone.
"What is up with you?" she demands softly.
"Nothing," he denies, as if she is the crazy one. As if, he didn't just come waltzing into church at the crack of dawn, looking like he hasn't slept at all.
"Nothing…" she echoes. "You come tiptoeing in here at 5 AM like a burglar and you're going to tell me nothing's going on?" she asks, deadpan.
"Nothing is going on," he insists, and if not for the fear she can make out in his eyes in this beautiful pre-dawn glow, she may have just believed him.
"Derek, please. I know something's wrong. If you tell me, maybe I can help…" she offers. She sits near him on top of their chosen table, but doesn't touch him. She hasn't wanted anyone to touch her in six months. She knows what it's like.
"Maybe's not good enough!" he exclaims and she can tell he didn't mean to say that.
"Well, honey, if I don't know what's happening to you, I don't know if I can actually help or not. I hope I can. I want to. But I don't want to promise something I can't follow through on, okay?" she asks gently. She lets the silence grow a little and then adds, "It's bad?"
He nods.
"And you can't tell me because I can't promise you help…" she says, putting together what pieces she has. Still, all she is left with is an incomplete puzzle and a hurting friend.
He nods again, breaking her heart.
"Is there anyone you can tell?" she asks. "Do you want to call your mom? There's a pay phone inside."
"No. No!" All of a sudden, Derek's eyes are wide and wild. "I can't tell anyone, all right? Now just leave it alone. Please."
It's the last word that gets Penelope's attention. The please. It's broken and so sad. It's asking for so much more than silence, but she doesn't know what to do. So, she closes her eyes and bows her head. "God on high…" she starts softly.
But she is not only praying - she is singing - to put this prayer across in a way words never could.
"This is absolutely unacceptable!" Erin Strauss explodes, rousing Emily from entirely too little sleep. She groans and pulls the pillow over her head. Four hours is not sufficient in the least.
"Remind me to never go on another trip with that woman…" she mumbles.
"Holy crap. Emily, wake up!" JJ whispers frantically. "Penelope and Derek are in deep with Strauss…"
Emily is definitely awake now. She tries to focus her bleary eyes on the scene just beyond the doors of the sanctuary. Penelope, still in her Mr. Potato Head tee shirt and gray sweatpants and Derek, still in his clothes from the day before. Penelope standing just in front of Derek, and Derek looking pissed as Emily has ever seen him.
"We weren't doing anything, I swear. And…technically…he was with an eighteen-year-old! A chaperone! If you want to punish someone, punish me." Emily smiles a little, despite the situation and their obviously serious situation. Penelope has always been good at talking her way out of things.
"Both of you are most definitely in trouble. Unfortunately, sending you home now would be more costly than it's worth."
Emily watches as hurt flashes across both faces in an instant. She wonders if Strauss will realize what she is implying. Chances are, she won't. For two people as sensitive as they are - though Derek would deny it - hearing they aren't worth a few hundred dollars has got to be crushing.
Without even consciously conjuring it in her mind, Emily is aware of exactly how much a human life is worth. Her bill for her own procedure had been tiny. Emily feels vaguely sick. She, too, is aware of just how much a life is worth. She turns away from the conversation, but she can still hear every word Strauss says. She can't stand that politics seem to exist everywhere. Even here, when she thought all they were doing was helping others who needed it.
Emily finds herself face to face with JJ. There are questions in her eyes. Questions that Emily cannot face so early in the day. She hears Derek's voice, sullen and defensive.
"It's April Fools! Seriously, can't you take a joke? I was just kidding around! Penelope wasn't even in on it, she just heard me walking around outside and came to see what was happening. Let her go, she's got no part in this."
"I don't see what's funny about sneaking around outdoors with the opposite sex!" Strauss insists, her voice heated and soft - but not soft enough.
"But this is Chicago, man! It's my hometown. For the rest of y'all it's someplace new, but for me, it's home…" Emily can't help but notice that this time, Derek is telling the truth. While the part about April Fool's had definitely been a bluff, Emily feels sure that this is definitely honest.
"You both will stay back here tonight while the rest of us go out to eat at the Old Chicago restaurant," Strauss says, like she is withholding dessert from preschoolers. "Aaron Hotchner will remain behind to see to it that you don't try anything.
"Ma'am," Penelope interjects, and Emily nearly snorts, despite her sadness. Penelope only addresses people she is angry with as sir or ma'am. "With all due respect, that's totally unfair. Why punish Hotch? He hasn't done anything."
"I wish I could stay home from Old Chicago," Ashley says sourly. Emily nearly jumps out of her skin. She's forgotten that Ashley is even here. She's so quiet, she tends to blend in with everyone and everything she's around.
Strauss sighs heavily. "My intention is not to punish him, it's to give both of you suitable consequences, and since you seem to think you can have free reign under my watch, I'm ensuring that you'll have proper supervision."
Emily rolls her eyes. That's a total lie if she has ever heard one. Strauss just doesn't want to punish herself by forcing herself to stay back from the good time. She probably figures that Hotch has little fun anyway, so it would make no difference to him if he missed out on one more thing. Emily wishes there were a way they could all stay back and send Strauss away to eat Old Chicago pizza all alone. Then, maybe, they'd feel comfortable opening up to one another.
Dave is dreaming he's swimming in a big pool filled with Italian soup. It's great until one of Gideon's headquarters rats comes and starts swimming with him. Pretty soon they're multiplying and Dave is hoping to God it's just a dream. Then, he's dreaming that he's back at school, teaching Spencer the art of the harmless high school prank. He teaches him things like asking the teacher to explain, anytime he uses a big word. Dave tells Spencer to insist on knowing what the word means. Convince the teacher to look it up. Spencer is looking pretty enlightened, when all of a sudden, Strauss is walking sternly down the hall toward him. She starts yelling at him about sneaking off on the trip and how she's punishing him by making him stay with Hotch while the rest of them go have fun.
He wakes up, confused, until he realizes that that last part is really happening. Except it's not him that's in trouble. It's Derek. Dave knows because he's missing. It's shocking when he hears Penelope's name, too. Why would she be in on making trouble? Come to think of it, why would either of them, without involving him? Dave has refined the art of doing things he shouldn't and avoiding the fallout.
Dave squints as he sees Strauss come into the parenting room. She looks extra gorgeous when she's all pissed off like this. He's more than a little disappointed when she wakes Hotch. Why not him? He's mature. He's nineteen. He's the logical choice for inflicting suitable punishment on the bad kids, because he is a bad kid. But, Dave figures, there's got to be some good to come out of this. For example, he'll get pizza tonight. And he can smuggle some home for the wayward kids.
Maybe he can brighten Strauss's mood by making her laugh today. He brought his fake vomit, after all. And what says Happy April Fool's Day better than fake vomit?
Ashley is developing a major headache from Erin Strauss and her lecture that will never end. It's now the evening and she has spent all day long telling Derek and Penelope how disappointed she is in them. When she isn't doing that, Erin Strauss is threatening the rest of them with some kind of dire consequences if they even think about pulling an April Fool's Day joke. She takes the fun out of everything.
The way Ashley sees it, it's time to put up or shut up. That's what her dad would say anyway. Erin Strauss acts so upset about everything and never stops talking about it, but she never does anything about it, either. That's just annoying. Pretty much everything is annoying Ashley today, because she's hormonal again. She hates it. She feels fatter than usual. Of course, this would be the night they would go and stuff their faces with pizza. She's thought of ducking out of this. She's thought of doing a lot of things. But Spencer is doing his job better than she expects. He is always there, checking up on her, and they have already sat down and talked about Ferris Bueller, rats, knife fights and how many slices of pizza Ashley should eat. She thought one. He thought two. He won. As Spencer puts it, he always wins.
Before she knows it, they are walking into the restaurant. The smell of pizza is sickening her and making her stomach growl all at once. Spencer takes her hand - what a little rebel - and they walk in together, like they're on a date. Except, that's so gross because he's twelve.
It's a little lonely to be six of them instead of nine. Ashley would usually be breathing a big sigh of relief to be away from Penelope, but she has the feeling like neither one of them did anything bad enough that they shouldn't be allowed to come and have a good time with everyone else.
In Ashley's experience, when someone goes that far outside the rules, it's because they want help, not because they want to act out.
Spencer is determined to be as normal as possible around Ashley tonight. It will be hard because her illnesses will be having a field day. But ultimately, he reminds himself, it will be up to her whether or not she does what she is supposed to. He can only do his best to keep her accountable. It's a hard balance to keep.
Something strikes him then. An impulse to say something completely stupid. He is about to blow it off and not think about it when he remembers something David told him last night, while they were making soup:
"Always trust your gut."
This was Spencer's gut. So, he went ahead and said it. Softly, and just to her. "You know, Ashley…even if you slip up in your recovery…I'll be here for you. I just wanted you to know that."
For the first time Spencer can recall, she smiles an honest smile. There's nothing manipulative about it, just her, looking startled and genuinely happy about what he'd said. He always forgets that not everyone bases everything in scientific fact. That every once in a while, it's okay to trust in something other than what he can see or prove.
"Thanks. That really means a lot to me," she says.
To his horror, there are tears in her eyes. He hopes she won't cry. He doesn't know what to do when that happens. Female emotions are so hard to figure out.
"It's kind of weird…but that actually kind of makes me want to work harder, you know?"
"No, I don't," he says, honestly.
"Knowing you won't stop being my friend either way…it makes me want to keep doing good, so that we can have fun and stuff. I mean, I hate being stuck in the hospital. Especially if I don't have to be. It's been three-and-a-half months, Spencer. And, yeah, it's been really hard…but it's been really worth it, too."
Now, it's Spencer's turn to smile. He has no words to express how happy it makes him to hear she is doing so well. He is not naïve. He knows she will likely struggle with both things for quite a long time. Maybe she won't have to fight them as hard, but he has a feeling that the temptation will always be there.
So, he makes the choice to always be there, too. Even if he can't make the choices for her, he can be there for her.
"Erin, table of six!" the hostess calls out, and together, Spencer and Ashley walk to the table.
JJ pretty much has fun wherever she goes, but this dinner seriously sucks without Derek. And without Penelope, too. Plus, Strauss is in a totally shitty mood. This is not the way JJ wants to spend her April Fool's Day, damn it.
And it goes without saying that JJ knows Derek and she knows he would never do what Strauss is accusing him of. She doesn't know Penelope that well, but she has a sense about people, and it's usually right. Her sense says that Penelope would never do whatever Strauss said they did, either. JJ wonders what the hell Strauss thinks kids do all day? JJ knows life has probably changed a lot since the 70s when Strauss was a teenager, but it's not like they go around doing the wild all the time! If Strauss really knew any of them at all, she would know that's not on any of their radars…except for maybe Dave's and Strauss is the only one he has his eye on anyway…
JJ's so mad, she takes another bite of pizza. It helps a little. She glances across the table and sees Ashley and Spence engaged in some kind of conversation about nutrients and protein. Dave's trying to impress Strauss with his knowledge about God-knows-what. So that leaves her and Emily, sitting there like bumps on a log.
"I don't think they did it, do you?" JJ whispers, just to have something to do.
"Did what?" Emily asks, looking pretty startled that anyone talked to her.
"Whatever Strauss thinks they did! Derek and Penelope! I think they're innocent…" JJ insists.
"This isn't a trial and it's not a soap opera either," Emily objects.
"But don't you think it's unfair!" JJ hisses.
"Of course I do, but Jaje…there are so many things in our lives that aren't fair. Why not focus on the good for once. And for the record, I'm pretty sure that for Derek and Penelope, missing out on pizza tonight wasn't a loss…" Emily raises her eyebrows in Strauss's direction and smirks.
"You are so totally right." JJ pauses. "You wanna start making out with Dave and I'll take Spence and then we can all go back?" she asks, a gleam in her eye.
"Oh no….there's nothing so tempting that I'd ever make out with David Rossi…" Emily wrinkles her nose. "Now, Aaron, on the other hand…"
"Erin! She's like, twice our age! Gross!" JJ goes quiet as David, Spencer, Ashley and yes, Erin, all look their direction. She cracks up.
When their attention is back on each other, Emily elaborates. "Aaron Hotchner, JJ, not Erin Strauss. Just the idea of me and that woman…" she shudders.
"Wait. You made out with him?" JJ asks, wide-eyed. Just when she thought nothing exciting was ever going to really happen. "How was it? I mean, did you close your eyes? Did he close his eyes?"
"God, JJ, I don't know. And we didn't make out. It was one kiss. Very innocent. Very short. ..But very nice," Emily elaborates, smiling.
"I knew it! I knew he was a good kisser!" JJ screams.
When all eyes turn toward her and Emily quickly schools her face to show no guilt, Strauss of course, asks for details. "Who's a good kisser, Jennifer?"
"Uh…well, I didn't want to say anything, but…Leonardo DiCaprio…"
"Oh?"
Strauss is trying so hard not to lose her shit right now and go all crazy on them about relationships. JJ can see it. And then, she speaks, and JJ is pretty sure she will never view Titanic the same again.
"Is he a foreign exchange student?" Strauss asks, like she's mildly curious, and trying hard to be cool.
JJ's lucked out in her guess that Strauss has honestly never seen a rated R move, or even a PG-13 movie with a naked scene. She and Emily exchange glances and busy themselves with their pizza.
Derek is in the worst way possible right now. He's stuck here with Penelope and Hotch, who both have this way of knowing things about people, without them even having to say a word. For now, they are giving him space, but what about later? What about when they get tired of waiting? Derek doesn't know what he'll do. Strauss was right about one thing, though. Derek has a ton more respect for Hotch and Penelope than he does for her.
He can't talk about this. He just can't. Not only because he promised Carl, but because he knows it's sick. And he's terrified of what kind of person that makes him. Derek hears all the time in church - these lectures about saving yourself for marriage and keeping your thought life pure. But what if you were like him and you hadn't had a pure thought life for over a year now? What if, every single time you closed your eyes, it was there to greet you like some kind of twisted terrible thing? What if he could never be rid of it, no matter how he tried?
Would he go to hell for this?
Derek knows the answer. He's sure he will. His relationship with God won't matter because God won't want anything to do with him. On Derek's judgment day, he knows just what God will say… It is his worst fear. Worse than anyone finding out. Worse than getting arrested or having Carl come after him, or kill him, like he promised that first time, if Derek ever told.
It's worse than all of that because if he can't go to heaven when he dies, then he'll never get to see his father again. He'll be totally separated from his family and everyone he loves. Not just for a while. For eternity. It's enough to break him inside. But it's not enough to make him talk. It's not enough to admit what's really going on.
Penelope's eighteen. He knows the minute he was to tell her, she would be bound by law to report it to somebody and then Derek would be finished. No more high school. No football scholarship.
No future.
Aaron sits quietly in the sanctuary beside Penelope. She has turned on praise music, even though, in his mind, there is nothing to praise. Nothing to give thanks for. This week flew by and now they are within a few days of returning home. For the first time, Aaron is sure. He does not want to go back to his old life. He wants something new. Something better for himself. He looks past the pews and through the glass doors of the parenting room, as Dave coined it. Derek is just sitting in there on the floor. His head is in his hands. He looks like he could be praying, but Aaron isn't sure.
"Something's wrong with him, isn't it?" Aaron wonders, nudging Penelope out of song.
"Yeah. Something is. But I have no idea what…" She's sad, and he can also see that she has an even deeper sense of what is going on than he does.
Aaron stands and strides into the adjoining room, closing the door behind him. If something serious is happening to Derek there is no point in pretending it isn't or talking around it or letting it ruin him. Aaron has decided to address it. If he has learned anything about himself on this trip it's that people can wish each other well. They can even pray for each other. But that only gets a person so far. Empathy without action is meaningless when it comes to the most important things.
Derek looks up as Aaron sits in front of him. His eyes look haunted and frightened. Shameful and defeated.
"Where were you last night?" Aaron asks, trying to sound sympathetic and not like an interrogator.
"The cemetery," Derek says, the same way another teenager might say he was "out" or "at a party." Matter-of-factly with a touch of defensiveness.
"Why?" Aaron asks, his tone measured.
"Do I need a reason?" Derek snaps. His eyes are alive with something dangerous.
"No. But most people have a reason for going to the cemetery in the middle of the night," Aaron presses gently.
"I went to talk to my dad…about something important…"
It's like Derek's words have weight, somehow. And as quickly as he was angry, he is now defeated and deeply troubled. He has broken eye contact and Aaron wishes he could help. Realistically, Aaron knows he can't help everyone, but to sufficiently help one person would really be great. Especially someone like Derek, who, Aaron knows, is a really good kid. Who, Aaron knows, does not deserve to endure whatever it is he is enduring.
"What did he say?" Aaron wonders, because it isn't outlandish to talk to someone who is deceased. Just because someone isn't here physically doesn't mean they aren't still here in some other form. Aaron waits, patient.
Just as he hoped, Derek meets his eyes again. He speaks a single word like it is choking him:
"Tell."
Aaron holds his breath. He waits. He even nods.
But then Derek shakes his head.
"I can't," he whispers.
