Disclaimer: Love's Melody Lost is a copy of a story with the same title by Radclyffe and only some minor things and the character names have been changed along with minor characteristics to fit MSLN characters. This is an adaptation of the book and I do not own the plot or the characters of Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha.
Love's Melody Lost
Chapter Eleven
Nanoha was the first to arrive in the dining room. The long highly polished table was elaborately set with starched handmade linens, antique silver cutlery, fine crystal glassware and china place settings. The formality of the scene was more than a little daunting. Nanoha reminded herself that there had been much more to Fate's previous life than she had gleaned from the newspaper accounts. The understated way Fate lived at Testarossa Manor now was a far departure from her earlier life. She was a world-renowned artist, recognized in every civilized country, and surely she would have traveled in the most elite circles. She would have been feted at every turn. It made Nanoha wistful to think she would never know that part of Fate.
Angrily she reminded herself that Fate Testarossa obviously had all the companionship she needed with the arrival of Shari. Whatever diversion Nanoha had provided was surely unnecessary now. The only person who would miss their moments together was herself. She felt at once helpless and irrationally saddened.
"My, don't you look nice!"
Lindy exclaimed as she bustled into the room, mercifully delivering Nanoha from her introspection.
"Lindy!" Nanoha greeted her with relief. "You must have been working for hours in here! It's wonderful."
Lindy beamed with pleasure as she began setting up the large buffet along one side of the room.
"You're right, it did! And it couldn't have been a happier chore. For just a moment there this morning, when she was telling me what she wanted done, Fate seemed like her old self."
Lindy had no idea that her words had wounded Nanoha, who instantly thought that all it had taken to motivate Fate's recovery was Shari's return. Lindy continued, unaware of Nanoha's growing depression.
"I do wish she would let me serve, though! She insisted that I prepare a buffet, and that I eat with you, but it just doesn't seem right! If only I had time I could have found help!"
"I don't have much experience, but I could probably manage the serving," Nanoha said dubiously.
In her state of mind, anything seemed preferable to sitting down to dinner with Fate and Shari.
"Nonsense," Fate said from the door, having heard Nanoha's remark. "I'm sure we can all manage ourselves just this once, Lindy."
Nanoha turned at the sound of Fate's voice, her heart freezing at the sight of Fate and Shari together. Shari, who had changed into a revealing black evening dress, stood with her arm wrapped through Fate's, leaning slightly so that her body pressed against Fate's side. They made a stunningly attractive couple, and Nanoha had to admit that's what they were. There was a connection between them that was undeniable, regardless of the years that had separated them. Shari held onto Fate as if she owned her, and Fate seemed content to let her. Nanoha averted her gaze, unable to tolerate the insurmountable evidence that Fate was still very much involved with Shari.
"At least let me help you set up," she said to Lindy, grateful for any diversion.
"Thank you, dear," Lindy replied kindly.
Nanoha's reaction to Fate's entrance had not escaped her. She could only imagine what the poor girl was thinking. And she probably didn't know Fate well enough to know that Fate was behaving exactly as she would with any guest at Testarossa Manor.
"You really didn't need to open the guest room for me, Lindy,"
Shari commented as she allowed Fate to seat her to Fate's right at the table. She smiled without the slightest trace of warmth, her gaze fixed on Nanoha.
"It wasn't necessary, you know."
Nanoha glanced at Fate, whose face remained expressionless. But Shari had made her point, if she wanted to make it clear where she intended to sleep. Why she felt it necessary that Nanoha understand her claim on Fate, Nanoha couldn't imagine. As if it would make a difference even if Nanoha did care. Nanoha gritted her teeth and resolved to make this the last meal she shared with Fate Testarossa and her Shari.
The dinner proved to be every bit as difficult to endure as Nanoha feared. Fate, although attentive to Shari's needs and unfailingly courteous, remained distant and distracted throughout the meal. Shari appeared not to notice Fate's preoccupation, regaling them with social gossip and endless anecdotes of her travels. It did not escape Nanoha's notice that Shari never mentioned anything remotely to do with music. For her part, Nanoha had nothing to contribute, and remained silent. She breathed a sigh of relief when at last she could depart with the excuse of helping Lindy clear the table.
"You know you don't have to do this, dear,"
Lindy chided when Nanoha joined her in the kitchen.
"But I do appreciate it."
"I work here, too,"
Nanoha said, more sharply than she intended.
"Believe me, it's a pleasure compared to sitting in there."
Lindy studied her speculatively.
"I gather the company wasn't to your liking," she commented mildly.
"It was wonderful to finally share a meal with Fate," Nanoha admitted.
Nanoha had enjoyed Fate's presence immensely, despite Fate's obvious distraction. She only wished it hadn't required Shari's arrival to prompt Fate to join them.
"Shari can be a bit overbearing, but you must remember she's always been indulged by every one."
"Including Fate apparently," Nanoha said ungraciously.
She sighed in disgust, as much with herself as the situation.
"Oh, I don't know, Lindy, it just annoys me the way she hovers over Fate. She poured her wine; she served her food - the next thing you know she'll be cutting her meat! You know very well Fate doesn't need that kind of help!"
"Maybe that's the only kind of help Shari has to offer," Lindy suggested sagely.
Nanoha stopped what she was doing and stared at Lindy.
"What are you saying, Lindy?"
"Shari has always been more glitter than substance. And Fate has always demanded a great deal from people - even before their accident, Shari was frightened by Fate's intensity. If she were to truly confront Fate's needs now, she would be overwhelmed."
Well, she certainly seems to be meeting some of Fate's needs without any problems! Nanoha thought angrily. She knew she couldn't discuss Shari rationally, not with the scene in the library so fresh in her memory.
"I don't know what I'm saying any longer," Nanoha said wearily. "I think I just need to get some rest. I'm going to say goodnight to Fate and head upstairs."
She found Fate and Shari just rising from the table upon her return. Before she could say her goodnights, Shari spoke, seemingly oblivious to Nanoha's presence.
"Why don't you play something for me, darling?" she asked, grasping Fate's hand.
Fate could have been carved from marble, she was so still. Slowly, she disengaged Shari's fingers from hers, moving Shari's hand to the crook of her arm. When she spoke, her voice was carefully neutral.
"I think not. I need to work."
"Surely you're not going to work tonight!" Shari protested, her cheeks flushed with ire.
"Yes," Fate replied with finality.
For an instant Nanoha thought Shari was about to argue, but the other woman quickly relented.
"All right, if you must. But do promise me you'll breakfast with me!"
Fate nodded.
"Of course. Now let me show you to your room."
As she led Shari from the room, she said softly,
"Goodnight, Nanoha."
For Nanoha it was anything but a good night. She tried to read, but she couldn't concentrate. She dozed off in her chair, only to be awakened by a noise in the hall. She knew Fate's step by now. The person passing by her door toward the master suite was not Fate Testarossa.
There was no doubt, of course, about what she had witnessed earlier in the library. It was clear from what Lindy had said and from what she herself had witnessed, that Fate and Shari had been lovers before their accident. It seemed apparent that they were about to resume that relationship now. Fate obviously had never stopped loving Shari that was the real reason she had secluded herself for so many long and lonely years.
Nanoha wasn't disturbed by the physical nature of their relationship, but she was stunned by her own response to that kiss. She couldn't bear to think of Fate making love to Shari. That reaction was something she had no reference for, and she was at a loss as to how to cope. She told herself she should be happy that Fate had a chance at happiness, but what she felt instead was a deep sense of loss. Nanoha's emotions were in turmoil. One thing she knew for certain she could not face them together in the morning!
After a fitful few hours of tossing and turning, she rose just before dawn, dressed by the last of the moonlight, and went out for a walk. Unconsciously she followed the path Fate took each morning down the steep slope to the edge of the cliff. She stood where she had seen Fate stand. Nanoha closed her eyes and tried to imagine what it was that drew Fate to this lonely precipice. After a moment, she thought she knew. Waves crashed below with a deafening roar, sending needles of spray hundreds of feet up the cliff. The air was so sharp it stung her skin. The wind blew harder here, fresh from over the water, carrying the rich scent of sea life. It was much colder there as well. This would be the first place at Testarossa Manor where the morning sun would fall. Condensed in this one spot, in the dark just before dawn, ones senses were so assaulted, you did not need to see to know the essence of the world around you. For a brief instant each day, on the edge of this cliff, Fate Testarossa was not blind.
Nanoha leaned against the crumbling stone wall that rimmed the cliff and cried. She cried for Fate, for all she had been, and all she had lost. She cried for herself, because she loved her, and would never know her. She cried for the years she had spent not knowing herself, only to discover too late what form her love truly took. As she cried the harsh wind dried her tears. When the first faint wisps of summer sunlight flickered across her cheeks, she opened her eyes to a day that dawned clearer, and lonelier, than any she had ever known. She sat on a worn weathered bench to watch the sunrise, and that's where Fate found her.
"Nanoha?" came the deep voice she could never mistake for another's.
Nanoha looked up to find Fate beside her, in the same clothes she had worn to dinner, rumpled and exhausted.
"How do you always know?" she asked quietly.
Fate smiled faintly.
"The air moves differently when you're near."
"You should have been a poet, not a pianist,"
Nanoha breathed around the tears that threatened again.
"Although maybe there isn't any difference. Please, sit down."
Fate acquiesced, stretching her long legs out before her, leaning back with a sigh. Her hand lightly grazed Nanoha's shoulder where she rested it along the top of the bench.
"How is your work coming?"
Nanoha asked, unsettled by Fate's nearness, but loath to move away. Fate shrugged tiredly.
"I wish I knew. I'm trying only to capture the essence of what I'm hearing. I don't dare analyze it yet. I'm afraid to discover it is trash."
"Have you slept?"
"Ah, Nanoha - always so concerned. Why do you care?" she asked not unkindly.
Nanoha's caring confounded her. Many people in her life had professed to care about her, but only Lindy remained, and she had loved Fate all her life. Why a stranger should extend kindness now, when she was bereft of all her talents, she could not comprehend.
"Because I -"
Nanoha hesitated over words she was not prepared to face.
"Because you deserve to be cared about Fate. And you're avoiding my question. Did you sleep?"
"As much as one can in one of those godforsaken chairs from the last century," Fate admitted. "Nanoha," she continued with a weary sigh, "tell me about something you love. Tell me about something beyond my view."
As Nanoha spoke, Fate's tension ebbed, and her breathing grew quiet and deep. Nanoha told of her favorite cities, the movies that made her cry, and the books she had read a dozen times. She talked of her family, and her friends, and her dreams. She talked long after she thought Fate was asleep, because she wanted to keep her near, because it pleased her to imagine that some part of Fate heard her secrets. When at last she fell silent, the day was fully born.
"So," Fate murmured, to Nanoha's surprise awake after all, "You love New York City, French movies with subtitles, wild flowers, and - what else?"
I love you, she answered from her soul. "Testarossa Manor -" Nanoha whispered with an ache in her heart, "I love Testarossa Manor."
"Yes," Fate uttered as she pushed herself upright. "I can tell that you do." She frowned as she turned her gaze toward the old house. "Is it seven-thirty yet?"
"Seven-twenty," Nanoha confirmed.
"I must say good bye then. I have a breakfast engagement."
Nanoha spoke without thinking.
"Surely Shari will understand if you get some sleep! You've been up all night!"
"I'm afraid that Shari never had any patience when my work disrupted her plans," Fate remarked calmly. "I'm sure that's one thing that hasn't changed."
She leaned to brush her hand along Nanoha's shoulder. "Thank you for these moments of peace, Nanoha. I'll see you at dinner."
With that she was gone, and Nanoha was left with an empty day looming ahead.
When Nanoha returned from running errands, grateful for any mindless task to divert her thoughts from Fate, she was unreasonably glad to see that Shari's jaguar was no longer parked in the drive. Just the sight of it was unsettling. Instead, the familiar truck bearing the logo Women works was parked in its place. Hayate Yagami and her two-woman crew were the landscapers she had hired for the heavy clearing and hauling that needed to be done. She not only liked their work, she liked the women. They were working full-time at Testarossa Manor now, and Nanoha planned on keeping them on part-time after the summer. They were fast, efficient and friendly. And most importantly, they seemed to appreciate Fate's special circumstances. It was impossible to tell when Fate might take it upon herself to stroll down one of the many garden paths, or decide that she wanted something from the kitchen garden. After Fate's mishaps with her own carelessness, and the near disaster with the painter, Nanoha was always worried. Without Nanoha watching over them, these women were meticulous with their tools and careful to clean up after themselves.
Nanoha noticed Fate and Hayate deep in conversation as she rounded the corner from the drive. Fate, leaning one hip against the balustrade in her familiar stance, hands in pockets, smiled down at Hayate who stood several steps below her on the walk. Hayate looked tanned, fit, and if the expression on her face was any indication, quite taken with the master of Testarossa Manor. Hayate and the women on her crew made it no secret that they were lesbians, and it certainly hadn't mattered one way or the other to Nanoha until now. If Hayate wasn't looking at Fate with something very close to lust in her eyes, Nanoha was sadly mistaken.
The low-pitched murmur of Fate's sonorous voice reached her, and as always, Nanoha was stirred by it. Seeing Fate and Hayate together, as innocent as it surely was, made Nanoha realize how much Fate's physical presence affected her. She had thought her strikingly handsome from the first night they met. She found herself captivated by the delicacy and sinewy strength of Fate's hands as she sketched a phrase in the air. The wind blowing Fate's hair into disarray always left Nanoha wanting to brush the locks off her forehead. And she could scarcely look into Fate's fathomless dark eyes without feeling something twist deep within her.
She nearly gasped as all the images which were Fate cascaded through her and left her unmistakably wanting her. In that instant, she understood fully her aversion to Shari. It was knowing that Fate had once loved her perhaps did still and the fact that Fate touched her with love. Anger raged within her when she thought of Fate wasting her precious passion on someone who did not cherish it - on someone who had abandoned her when Fate's need was greatest. Nanoha understood with sudden startling clarity exactly what she wanted Fate's passion, in all its forms, for herself. The insight was so undeniable that it left her staggered. She couldn't question her desire, her body ached with it.
She turned away from the women in the garden. Her reaction to the sight of Hayate and Fate together followed too closely on the heels of Shari's arrival. She seemed to be assaulted at every turn with her longing for Fate, and the impossibility of her desire. Foolishly, she had allowed herself to believe that Fate felt something of the connection she herself could not deny each time she saw her, or heard her step in the hall, or her music in the air. She should have known that for a woman of Fate's intensity and unrelenting passion, her love for Shari would be inextinguishable.
Nanoha fled into the house, desperately trying to escape her own heart. She stood unpacking groceries, her mind strangely blank when a short rap on the door interrupted her.
"Hey!" Hayate said as she pushed open the door. "I thought I saw you drive up can I talk to you a sec?"
Nanoha nodded distractedly. "Sure."
"You're getting a lot of soil erosion on the edges of the paths - especially on the back slopes. What do you think about putting in some ground cover along there? Its labor intensive to do the planting, but in the end it will preserve the area," Hayate stated.
She looked at Nanoha curiously when she didn't answer.
"Nanoha? You okay?"
Nanoha forced herself to focus.
"Yes, sure ground cover? I had noticed that but there's so much around here that needs attention, it just slipped my mind. Did you speak to Fate?"
Hayate looked surprised.
"No, why would I? You hired me. You make the decisions."
"I just thought I saw you talking to Fate when I came home" her voice trailed off uncertainly. God, she was a mess!
"Oh, that was just small talk. I ran into her out back, she asked me how things were going. She's always so charming, you know? Every woman in my crew has a crush on her!" she said with a laugh.
"Including you?" Nanoha asked, trying to match Hayate's light tone.
Hayate studied Nanoha carefully. She looked shaken and pale.
"Oh hell is that what you're thinking? I have a lover I'm nuts about, and we've got two great kids. Fate is fascinating, not to mention gorgeous, and I do think she's incredibly attractive but looking is as far it goes with me."
Nanoha busied herself with unpacking, avoiding Hayate's intense gaze.
"It's none of my business anyway. I didn't mean to put you on the spot."
"I assumed you two were lovers," Hayate said, a question in her voice.
"No,"
Nanoha whispered almost to herself. Taking a deep breath, she turned to Hayate.
"Why did you think that?"
"I could be on dangerous ground here - lots of room to offend if I'm wrong." Hayate shrugged, flashing her trademark grin. "But what the hell. After twenty years of seeing women in all stages of togetherness, you get a sense for it. It's the way you are around each other. Your face lights up whenever she appears. Your eyes follow her whenever she's in sight. I know damn well it kills you every time she heads down that goddamned slope to the cliff. I can tell you stop breathing. It takes more guts than I've got to watch her do that without screaming."
"Fate doesn't leave you any choice," Nanoha murmured, "she doesn't know how to be anything but proud."
Hayate nodded. "I've never met anyone like her. She listens for you, you know. In the middle of our conversation just now I saw her smile, and her whole body relaxed just a little. Ten seconds later I heard your jeep. She'd been listening for you to come home. She knows how to find you when you're in the garden. She walks right to you. How does she do that?"
"I don't know," Nanoha sighed. "I don't think I know anything about anything anymore."
Hayate considered letting it go, but Nanoha looked so miserable. Fate had seemed pretty frayed too.
"First time you've ever been in love with a woman?" she asked kindly.
Hearing it put so matter of factly gave her pause.
"I've never been in love before," she said after a moment, knowing it was true.
"Sometimes," Hayate continued cautiously, "it's just a false alarm."
Nanoha met Hayate's gaze steadily, a muscle tightening in her jaw.
"No."
Hayate could tell she meant it. And something was really wrong. Nanoha's usually clear blue eyes were clouded with pain, her face was drawn and tired, and she looked on the verge of breaking into tears.
"Does she know how you feel about her?"
Nanoha studied her hands, her cheeks coloring.
"It's not that simple. Fate is - complicated. She was horribly hurt." She took a deep breath, smiling tremulously. "I don't think Fate gives me much thought."
"This is serious, isn't it?" Hayate asked softly.
"Yes."
"I wish I could help" Hayate began.
Nanoha appreciated her sympathy, but she interrupted her with a shake of her head. Even before Shari's arrival, Nanoha noticed a reticence in the way Fate treated her. She was always welcoming and seemed to enjoy Nanoha's company but still there was the distance. Just when Nanoha thought Fate was becoming more comfortable with her, something would cause her to withdraw. Nanoha was never sure what she had said, or what painful memory she had triggered. Often Nanoha's encounters with Fate left her unsettled, and she was slowly becoming aware of an inner void that seemed to deepen each day. With Shari here now, and Fate's apparent attachment to her, there seemed to be little room for Nanoha in Fate's life. She smiled at Hayate ruefully.
"The only one who can help is Fate."
A/N: Nanoha's in turmoil while Fate is avoiding her feelings, how realistic is this nyahaha this happens so often in real life⦠Feel free to leave some comments or suggestions. Thank you... :)
