11. Apprehension

Seto noticed Mokuba enter the auditorium and wrapped up his discussion with the current group of VIPs he was chatting with. He then subtly signaled Mokuba and discretely headed toward the offices, avoiding further entanglements.

Arriving in the manager's office slightly after Mokuba, he asked, "So, what did the medic have to say about Atem's condition?"

"Well … er … the medic didn't examine him—Honest, Nii-sama, Atem insisted that he was fine! He said he just forgot to eat and …"

"Don't worry, Mokuba, I know how he is. I'm sure that you were assertive, but he's proud and … I suppose even if there were anything really wrong with him, he wouldn't want me to know about it anyway." Seto looked off vaguely in the direction of the entrance as though calculating the probabilities.

"Yugi was with him. If something's wrong, I'm sure he'll insist that Atem see a doctor."

"Yes … his friends …" How annoying! "Does he still trust them so much more?" Seto muttered low, beneath his breath.

"Nii-sama?"

"It's nothing important. I just …" He looked at his brother. "We've spent so much time consulting, talking about inconsequential things. I suppose I just thought maybe Atem would feel a little more comfortable with me after all this time, that's all."

"I think he does. He always seems glad to see you when he comes into the offices, Nii-sama. I think he really looks forward to the consulting."

"… because of the projects."

"Yes, but are you sure it isn't partly because he's working with you?"

"Don't be sentimental, Mokuba. He's probably looking forward to the generous paycheck."

"Nii-sama!"

"Speaking of, we've been away from our guests too long."


Atem didn't want to go their apartment, but he didn't want to be overheard. It was some time before Yugi found a place that Atem felt comfortable speaking freely in. They found themselves walking along a windy strand with few passersby. Still, they walked closely together, like co-conspirators, speaking in hushed tones.

"You dreamed about Duelists' Kingdom again," Yugi said.

"Yes, only more … much more. I …" There was so much to say. He wished for a moment that they still shared their link and he wouldn't have to say anything at all. Then he was glad that it was gone and Yugi couldn't feel the pain … or see his most intimate feelings.

But Yugi said gently, "I know, Atem. You've realized how you feel about him, haven't you?"

"'Him'?"

"Kaiba, of course."

Atem looked at Yugi, surprised.

"I've known for a long time, Atem."

"But …"

"I know, this is news to you, but remember, while you've been struggling, I've suffered along with you. Only I had the leisure to examine your emotions while you had to act on them … and have them act on you."

"What? Are you saying … ?"

"Yes, you've felt this way for a long time, Atem. Beginning with Duelists' Kingdom, if not even earlier. But Battle City …"

"Why didn't you say anything?" Atem felt more and more agitated. Had this really been going on so long? Had he really not known his own mind? They were approaching a bench and he sat there, rubbing his temples.

Yugi joined him. "Don't you think this is really the sort of thing that someone should find out on his own? I mean, do you really want me telling you that you're in love?"

"Well, no, actually."

"S-so, you said there was more this time."

"Yes, it wasn't just Duelists' Kingdom." Atem related as much of the strange, morphing dream as he could possibly remember.

"Hm, that's pretty deep, but Kaiba, the dream … how do you feel about it?" Yugi asked anxiously. "It seemed to hit you pretty hard."

"Frankly, I'm not sure how to feel about it." He scowled out at the waves. "I'm so used to seeing him as my rival … and, just recently, I thought we could finally be … friends. And now? Now he's … what, some sort of goal? He's not fighting with me over a prize, he is the prize. It … it's frightening."

"Why, because he can so easily withhold your so-called 'prize'?"

Was that it? Was it so simple? "I … he … but he's not a prize to be won and this isn't a contest … is it?"

"Is it? How do you see it? You're the King of Games, Atem."

"I think it's you who's been granted that title."

"Only because of your actions, remember?"

"All this is beside the point …" Atem rubbed his head. It was throbbing. "I can't begin to imagine treating Se—Kaiba like a … an object."

Yugi smiled warmly in return. "It's all right, Atem. Shouldn't you call him by his name by now, considering how you feel about him? You seem … a little concerned by this attraction."

"I … I just don't understand …"

"Why you didn't see it?" Atem didn't even have to answer. "Remember, you didn't have a body. Most of the time you were with him, you were dueling him, or trying to get his help because our friends were in trouble. Or there was some other emergency going on. And even if you had the luxury of paying attention to him, you wouldn't have let yourself because you couldn't do anything about it."

Atem stared at Yugi. He was absolutely right. If he had allowed himself to think about Seto beyond the superficial terms of the needs of the moment, if he'd traveled along the lines of possibilities and plumbed the depths of his feelings, he would have …

He would have discovered that he had no recourse. No way of expressing his feelings.

"I would never—"

"You'd never betray my trust, Atem."

"And Seto …"

What had happened after the duel in Egypt, anyway? Atem didn't remember seeing Seto afterward at all.

Yugi, as usual, caught his thought. "I don't know, Atem. He left right after our duel. I don't know why. You'll have to ask him if you want to know."

The experience of regaining his body had been so … overwhelming. He'd seemed to have a body in the world of memories, but that was somehow different. He'd been alone in Yugi's body for an extended period when they had battled Dartz, but that had been such a traumatic experience that he hadn't been able to focus on the mere sensation of having a body. Further, there was the problem that the body he inhabited was screaming for its missing soul. Added to his own shattering sensations of grief and guilt … well, he had only so much attention to spare for Seto, and that didn't include the luxury of lusting after him. He primarily required his help then.

Strange how he so often thought of his chief rival first when he needed assistance.

Now, thinking of him … had he really felt this all along? "It doesn't make any sense," he muttered. "How could I possibly not notice this?"

"You imagined it was the excitement of dueling him, Atem. Did it feel the same to duel me?"

Atem stared at Yugi. "Actually … no."

"So …?"

"Well … I didn't expect to feel this way—regardless of what you say about how long it's already lasted—Seto and I didn't exactly get off on the right foot …" he trailed off, thinking back.

"Well, sure, I mean, what he did to Grandpa wasn't nice, but … we know now there was a reason behind every bad or dishonorable thing that he did. And … after what his adoptive father did to him …"

"You're so forgiving, Yugi … even back then you had faith in him. You wanted to duel him as a friend."

"And I still haven't had that duel. It's your fault, you know." Yugi twisted his foot in the sand bashfully. "You know … I always thought … for a death trap, Death-T was … kind of …" He paused for a second as though considering whether he wanted say more. "It was like all the lead-up puzzles and games of Death-T … I'm just trying to say that he was sort of forcing us to prove ourselves worthy of dueling him, and, at the same time, he was showing us his worth as a gamer because he created all that. All of the puzzles were solvable, and he didn't try to cheat his way to victory. It was all so dark and twisted … but … consider everything he'd gone through: he had no concept of how to break through his loneliness in anything approaching a normal way. He deserved to be punished, but …"

"You still think the Mind Crush was harsh?"

"You didn't understand his pain."

Atem gave Yugi a rueful smile. "And you always give people the benefit of the doubt. Especially Seto. Remember when he arrived in Duelists' Kingdom?"

"When he arrived in the helicopter, before he was so cruel to Jonouchi?"

"You handed him his deck. You were so … bashful about it, too. It was like you were going to—"

ask him for a date or something.

Atem stared at Yugi, his eyes widening. He could feel his cheeks burning.

"That always bothered you, too." Yugi rubbed the back of his head, smiling with embarrassment. "Now you know why. Sorry, but I really wanted to make friends with him. Sometimes you get tired of winning all the time. Well, maybe you don't … but I do."

"I get it, Yugi, I do, but back then, Seto was—"

"OK, Atem, think about it. I didn't know Kaiba well, but I knew a little about him, from school. What did you know about him? Really?"

"What I knew was … it was …"

"Limited to some pretty traumatic incidents, right?"

"Well, back then, I came out when you were in trouble or when you had a duel … and … wait, if you knew, why did you have me date Anzu?"

"Heh heh," Yugi laughed nervously, his hand moving to the back of his head. "I was kind of hoping she'd take the hint, actually. But even if neither of you did, I knew you weren't interested. Besides, she got me into too much trouble early on trying to force you out."

That was true enough. Atem had thought she was irresponsible and he'd hated the way she'd taken chances with Yugi's safety. Her positive qualities and the fact that Yugi loved her so much made him forgive her, but he'd always felt that she'd been selfish and reckless about that.

He stared at his aibou. It hadn't occurred to him that Yugi was quite so manipulative. "I do like Anzu … but …"

"You're not angry, are you?"

"No, she actually helped me then. But, still … I could have done without Mai's insinuations."

"What …?"

"Oh, yes, you weren't listening in. We bumped into Mai right before Seto's Battle City announcement. She decided we were an item."

"Which means she decided Anzu and I were an item. Not a problem."

Atem sighed. "Things are a lot simpler now. I'm glad I don't have to date your girlfriends anymore. At least you never had to date Seto."

"Like you'd let me," Yugi said watching Atem's face as that sunk in.

"Otogi?" Atem suddenly blurted out.

"I never dated Otogi."

"No!" Atem said irritably. "You begged off that meeting with Seto recently saying you had to meet with Otogi. Were you just …?"

"Well, wasn't it just about time you figured out how you felt? I thought, the more time you had with him, the better, right?" Yugi shrugged off Atem's annoyed glances and said, "But, seriously, what are you going to do?"

Atem's face grew somber. He looked at Yugi as though he never expected to hear such an obvious question. "I don't know. If it were anyone else, I'd just ask him out, but … There's so much between us. I just … I don't know. For one thing, I have no idea what his orientation is. I guess there's those escorts that he takes to publicity events, but it's not like he really dates."

"OK. Pretend you just met him for the first time. Immediate attraction. What do you do?"

"I'd ask him out, I guess."

"You guess?"

"I'd ask him out."

"Oh really. Since when do you ask anyone out? I think you make yourself irresistible and wait for them to come to you. It's like dueling. You almost never challenge anyone to a duel unless you need to because of something they've done—which is basically the same thing as them challenging you."

Atem blushed. It was true that he hadn't really asked anyone out since he had received a body, and he hadn't really needed to. He'd had offers in droves by women and men alike. But … how interested had he been, really? He'd accepted a few offers, and he'd even accepted a second date or two, but …

It hadn't been what he'd been looking for.

He'd been waiting for an arrogant, cold fish CEO?

Atem sighed. It was extremely unlikely that he could ever make himself so irresistible that this man would ever ask him out without any kind of prompting. "I don't think that will work," he said.

And there were other issues that were preying on his mind. For example …

"And … what about Kisara?"

"What about her? It's not like she can compete with you."

"That's the problem. Her soul is trapped in the realm of duel monsters and yet, she was so … important to him—to Set, anyway. She still is important to him, whether he realizes it or not. The drive he had to possess all those dragon cards … Thank Ra they were a limited edition …" Atem trailed off, unable to stop himself from thinking back to all the trouble that had stemmed from the fact that Yugi's grandpa had owned one of the four Blue Eyes White Dragon cards that had been produced. Seto's obsession with them …

You didn't understand his pain …

But, then, neither did he. He still refuses to comprehend it.

"If she were human, I could fight somehow, but the way it is … what can I do? He's stuck in some sort of irreconcilable limbo as far as she's concerned."

"But … in your dream, it's like she made herself part of him. What if it's not even an issue? It's not like he can have a relationship with a Duel Monsters card, you know."

"I know, but …" These suggestions weren't making him feel any better. "This still doesn't tell me how he feels. Or whether … whether the reason he never seems to be interested in anyone isn't because this … event … from his past life didn't somehow freeze him—prevent him from doing anything now."

"So you're saying …"

"I'm saying that I'm worried that he still feels such grief and pain from his previous life that he'll never allow himself to enter into any kind of relationship, let alone work to build a successful one."

"Wow, way to look on the bright side, Atem."

"Have you seen any reports that he's even tried dating? He's in his twenties now."

"And you really haven't dated seriously since you returned from Egypt. What's your excuse?"

"I haven't met anyone worth serious attention."

"I rest my case. Find out, Atem. You have the perfect opportunity now. You're friends, right?"

"Friends. Right."

As they walked back to their apartment, Atem thought it over. Why did he feel so uncharacteristically hesitant?

Perfect.


Author's notes:

Woah ... I think I've gone over this chapter about as much as I can take, so I'm going to go ahead and send it into the world. Hope you approve!

Reviews: [Dream sequences] gives the characters the ability to work things out in their minds without all that annoying inner monologue crap—Guess you should avoid Satisfaction (my other story), then! (laughs nervously) I can't promise that this story will avoid inner monologue entirely, but the fact that both Seto and Atem have confidants (Mokuba and Yugi, respectively), keeps it at a minimum. In my previous story, both protagonists tended to keep things entirely to themselves, particularly Jack, which tends to make that sort of thing almost unavoidable.

Death-T: Is it just me, or is there a subtext along the lines of a twisted gamer's love letter? "Hello, I went to huge expense to show you how good I am at creating games and puzzles, and I made this just for you! Show me how good you are, and we'll play a game together!" No wonder Yugi has a soft spot for the villain ... OK, maybe it is just me.

when [Seto] arrived in Duelists' Kingdom: Again, maybe it's just me, but I get a "subtexty" feeling whenever I get to this moment, even (or is that especially?) in the manga.

[Anzu] got [Yugi] into too much trouble early on: I'm particularly thinking of the bomber at the amusement park (manga).

Preview of chapter 12:

Atem couldn't help laughing. "Seto …" he said, "Admit it. You're having fun."

"Crammed against a rock face with you, threatened by morons?" Seto said sarcastically. "What could be more fun than that?"