I stared out the window as the soft white flakes blanketed the earth. I had always loved snow and growing up in Ohio there had been no shortage of it. Usually the wintery weather happened in January and February but I was lucky that on the one weekend I had decided to visit in March, the forecast had called for flurries and possible accumulation.
"Hi Baby Girl. What are you doing out here all alone?"
I closed my eyes. I loved the sound of my mother's voice. It was so sweet, so calming and soothing.
"Hey Mom. Maybe I should ask you the same thing. It is your night, after all."
Despite a very busy schedule, Mike and I had managed to take off for my parent's 32nd wedding anniversary. Mike and I made a point to throw them a big party every year and this year we were hell bent on actually being there to help celebrate. We had made preparations months in advance to attend. It was an event I wouldn't have missed for the world. I loved my parents dearly and even after all that time together, they still beamed each time the other came in the room. It was a marriage and a love I could believe in, one I desperately yearned for my own relationship.
"It is a wonderful party and Dad and I are so grateful just like we are every year," she wrapped her arms around me. "It's even more special that you and Mike are here with us. I know you're a grown woman with a husband of your own but you'll always be my little girl. Now that you're here, I don't want to let you out of my sight."
"I love you, Mom."
"I love you, too. I'm just worried about you."
"Why? I'm fine. Really."
"Are you? Claudia, you're my daughter, the beautiful first born child who introduced me to the pleasure and joys of motherhood. I gave birth to you so that means I know you. I know when something is wrong. Are you going to tell me or do I have to play 20 questions all night?"
I smiled at her persistence. Some things never changed.
"I'm just tired," I told a half-truth.
"I'm sure you are. Your job is very demanding and you live out of a suitcase 260 plus days out of the year but there's something going on besides that."
"Mom…"
"Is everything okay with you and Mike?" she asked point blank.
I'd always had a hard time lying to my mother. We'd always been close. She was a wonderful person and I had been blessed with beautiful parents and a beautiful family. A part of me wanted to tell her the truth but I had been living a lie for so long that the lines were blurred, even in my eyes. Where would I begin? What would I say?
"It's complicated."
"Isn't every marriage? Care to elaborate?"
I shrugged.
"Mike is very complex and very intense. We've been together a long time. We really know each other. People change over time, I get that. It is what it is. He's my husband and I love him. We have our rough patches but I am determined to make this work. We took vows and I promised forever and that's what I meant."
My mother nodded.
"I can respect that. Mike is a good person. I watched him grow up. He has always been a little cocky and I'm sure the status and attention from being a popular and successful professional wrestler has only intensified his arrogance but people are who they are and we have to accept the ones we love, no matter their faults and flaws, I get that. I love Mike like a son but when it comes down to it, you are my child and your happiness is what matters most. No marriage is perfect. Claudia, it takes hard work, commitment and sacrifice. God knows, your father and I have had to work at it. But it's a different ball game if you're miserable or if he mistreats you."
"Mom, it's not like that," I squirmed.
"Abuse is abuse, sweetie. Sometimes words hurt as hard as if not harder than a fist. You're a beautiful, kind hearted, intelligent special woman and I am so proud to have you as my daughter and friend. I can't make decisions for you or tell you what to do, I just please ask that you remember how you were raised, to know how wonderful you are. I want you to respect others, respect yourself, then demand that same respect from everyone else no matter who they are."
I knew what she was saying and I knew what she was trying to do. She was my mother and she loved me. Her maternal instinct sensed my pain and wanted to heal it as much as possible without interfering in my affairs.
"Thanks, Mom," I gave her hand a squeeze. "I appreciate it."
She kissed my forehead before guiding me back towards the living room where the party was going full force. My father saw her and smiled probably as wide as he had the first time he had ever seen her all those years ago. They kissed and affectionately held hands. The house was filled with family and friends and my eyes scanned the room for my own other half. I found him with a drink in his hands laughing it up with some of the kids we had grown up with in the neighborhood. His father was there, too. Mike's parents had been divorced for a long time but they were still on civil terms.
I stared at him for a while just trying to remember the boy he used to be. I remembered how deeply in love we were when we were just a couple of carefree high school kids. We were now living a life that dreams were made of. I had the money, the clothes, the car and the house. And I'd trade it all for just one day of things being the way they used to be back when we were happy and truly in love.
"Claud!" he raised his glass, spilling vodka onto the floor. "Babe, get over here!"
He was drunk and I prayed it was the drunkenness where he was happy and not the kind that made him sullen and angry.
"Hi," I forced a small smile as he pulled me towards him.
"Where have you been hiding?"
He was laying it on thick for everyone, complete with a sloppy kiss to my cheek.
"I was just hanging out with my mom."
"Whatever. Look, me and the guys are gonna get out of here. We were thinking about hitting up a couple bars and stuff, maybe going into Cleveland. You down?"
Quality time with my family was a rarity and I wanted to savor every moment of it. The last thing I wanted was to sit at a bar as Mike and his friends got more intoxicated and reminisced about their glory high school days.
"I think I'll just stay here. It's getting late and I'm tired and I just want to hang out with my family."
"Claud, come on. They'll still be here tomorrow. What's the big deal?"
He was being loud and obnoxious and the stench of alcohol was making me ill.
"The big deal is I don't want to go," I spoke in a forceful but quiet tone.
"Why are you acting like this? We're trying to have a good time. Everybody is so excited to see us."
"Mike…"
"I thought you'd jump at the chance. Usually you won't let me out of your sight," he turned to everyone. "Hear that guys? The old ball and chain wants to hang out at home tonight but every other night she's on my jock hounding me about going out with me."
He thought he was being cute and funny but the fading smiles of the guests told another story. I was embarrassed and it was clear they were embarrassed for me.
"Stop it," I tersely whispered.
"Son, that's enough," his father tugged on his arm.
"What, Dad?" he laughed. "I'm just inviting my wife to join me, our, friends. I was just pointing out how at any other time she'd jump at the chance. I just want to party and as usual she's being difficult. I ask her to go out and she wants to stay home. There's this new emo looking model punk at work with this weak fake ass accent. I bet if he asked her to go out, her ass would be at the bar all night long."
"Michael, that is enough," his mother wandered over and gave him a stern look.
I stood silently as some of our friends pulled him aside. A few onlookers stared and whispered before eventually going back to their own conversations and good times.
"Everything okay here, honey?" my dad walked over.
I nodded.
"It will be," I sighed.
"What was that about?"
"He's just being drunk and stupid, Daddy. Don't worry about it."
He looked like he wanted to press the issue but eventually decided not to probe any further.
"Claudia…"
"Come on. It's time to cut the cake. Let's go."
I walked away, head held high pretending that everything was okay, pretending that my marriage was normal. In a way it was. It was my normal.
