Shields, body armors and vests don't properly work
That's why you're in a locker full of hurt
The enemy within and all the fires from your friends
The best medicine's to probably just let it win.
- Battle Scars, Guy Sebastian, Ft. Lupe Fiasco
Disclaimer: See prior chapters. You know who owns everything.
Chapter 11
BARBA'S OFFICE
"What's this all about, Barba?" The strain of preparing for this trial, the last few weeks, the news stories have clearly been weighing on her. There are coffee stains on her shirt, the grooves around her eyes have deepened, and despite her fitful sleep the night before, the circles are just as prominent under her eyes. Her hands are trembling ever so slightly.
She's not in the mood for small talk, for bullshit. There are knots in her stomach and she wants to throw up what little she put in it. She's been doing a lot of that lately. It seems that all she's been doing is having nightmares, flashbacks, and nausea. And it's so goddamned frustrating. Benson wants her life back.
What Barba tells her almost sends her into shock and she feels that familiar rage surging through her body.
"What? He wants to plead to RAPE?" She can't believe Lewis' audacity. And yet she can. Even from a prison hospital, he's still playing his fucking sick games. He'll never stop. Not until he's dead.
"Multiple counts of rape in the first. Multiple counts of sodomy. And he wants to plead guilty. With an allocution. To be specific." Barba's face is very somber, he understands just what Lewis wants her to do.
Oh, she gets it. He wants to tell everybody about things he didn't do to her just to humiliate her. To get revenge on her for what she did to him at the beach house. He wants to break her in public. In front of the world. No fucking way.
Nice fucking try, asshole.
"He wants to STAND up in open court and give graphic details of what he did NOT do to me?!" She wants to cry, to scream, to throw something against the wall of Barba's office. But it's not Barba's fault that Lewis is pulling one of his sick mind-fucks. He's not man enough to rape her physically so he wants to violate her in the courtroom.
"He will get 25 years to life. He will die in prison. Olivia, you will avoid a trial AND having to testify." Barba doesn't know what happened to her at the cottage but he wants to spare her the indignity of the trial. Wants to spare her the pain of once again going into detail about what happened to her. Wants to spare her having to tell a story that he just knows is not the whole truth. Rafael Barba's no one's fool; he knows she's hiding something.
He tries to convince her to take the deal, to persuade her that it's for the best. For herself. For everybody.
She's livid. He's never seen her this angry. This distraught.
"NO, NO, no he does not get to do that to me." She's almost yelling at this point. "He did NOT rape me. He did NOT sodomize me. You look at that rape kit after four days…he did not have the BALLS to rape me and now he wants to stand up in open court? NOW?" She's almost in Barba's face now, she's so upset."NO. NO." Benson turns and walks to the wall. In a rare complete lapse of self-control, she hits his desk. She's got to hit something, anything. No, Lewis does not get to do this to her. NO. Olivia is done with the games, the mind-fucks.
"Don't you get it?" She asks him angrily. "This is just another fucking mind game for him. He didn't have the balls to rape me, he was afraid of me. Don't tell me he gets to stand up there and act that he had more power over me than he actually did. That's a fucking lie. I won't let him take more than he already has. NO. He can take his fucking deal and shove it up his ass."
Leaning against the wall, she puts her trembling hands over her face, trying to regain control. Keep it together, Olivia. Keep it together. And yet she couldn't stop the shaking. The rage. Just breathe…. 1…2…3, 1…2…3.
Oh, Barba gets it. More than she knows. But it's his job to lock him away. The deal would have guaranteed that. Would have thrown Lewis in jail for the rest of his natural life.
But it's clear that she's not going to take the deal.
And this is a problem. He's positive there are things Olivia left out of her account. But he can't, he won't, ask her if she's lying. That's a line when crossed would be impossible to come back from. Sometimes you're better off not crossing that line. Know when to push your luck and when to back off.
Getting Lewis behind bars and away from society is the end game. He needs to be sure that Benson won't fuck this up. Oh, she'd never do it intentionally but lies and omissions have a funny way of coming back to bite you in the ass. And he does not need surprises.
This deal would have spared them both serious problems.
So he'll not go easy on her if something she's holding back comes out and sandbags him.
So he stands very close to her and his voice is as solid and hard as steel. The man from the night of the taxi cab has retreated into the shadows and the tough legal barracuda is back. And he tries to warn her as best he can, tries to tell her that he knows in a way that won't implicate either one of them.
There's no softness here.
"I have to tell you that, given the extent of his injuries, they will go after you for excessive force. He may claim he was handcuffed when you crushed his skull. You testified to a police investigator in a grand jury that Lewis lunged at you, that you used the bar to defend yourself until he was no longer a danger to you."
Olivia, I know you are not telling me the whole story. I suspect that you're lying. You need to be very, very, very careful here. Tread carefully, my friend. Tread carefully. He can only hope she hears and heeds the warning. This is her last chance to take the "easier" way out.
Benson's no fool. She hears it loud and clear. Knows that he's pretty sure she's not telling the truth. Knows too that the choice she's making will turn this into a real uphill battle. But it's enough that he's humiliated and violated her physically. She can't take it again in court.
Benson doesn't look at Barba despite how close he's standing. She knows he can read her too well. And she can't bear for Barba to read the lies on her face.
It's a small mercy that he doesn't actually know with a 100% certainty that she's lying so she can still be the only one (besides Lindstrom) to bear the burden of her lie. The burden of her perjury. She's not dragging him, not anyone else, down with her.
This is her weight alone to carry; hers alone to bear.
She knows she's putting her counselor, her friend, in a very awkward position. If there was another choice, she'd take it.
But there isn't another choice. Not then, not now. I'm sorry, Rafael.
Her eyes are tight and sad and hard. When she speaks, her voice is choked with the tears she wants badly to shed but she can't because she fears Lewis will see any weakness and exploit it. And if she breaks now, she'll break in front of him.
Lewis will see the ghost of the tears on her face so she pushes them back, tamps them down. There'll be time enough for tears when this is over.
That is what I said." Her voice is soft, broken.
That is what I said. And Benson's very careful with her words. She has to be.
It's then that Barba knows. Verbal confirmation is unnecessary.
He also understands that whatever she did or didn't do at that cottage, she was pushed to it. Everybody has a breaking point. You push and push and push some more and even the strongest trees get knocked down. Even the toughest warriors have their limits.
It can be a short walk to the edge of the cliff. And she was starved, drugged, tortured…for days.
Just how far over the precipice did you go?
He knows she can't confess to him but he wants her to trust him. To trust that he'll do the right thing by her. Don't fight me, Liv. I'm trying to help you. Help yourself. Don't let there be any surprises for me.
After brief reflection, Barba decides he's just going to stay silent. He knows he could say that he knows that she's lying. But, really, all he's got are his suspicions and his hunches. And sometimes it's just better for two people to think the other doesn't know. Ignorance is bliss...and safety.
Let her pretend she doesn't know he picked up on her verbal slip.
He'll pretend that he doesn't know that she slipped.
Pretense is safer for everybody. For now. Until it becomes a problem.
So he won't push.
She's staring out the window now, not really looking at anything at all. Olivia's overwhelmed, barely hanging on and he sees that.
But he needs to get this right.
For her. For himself.
For all of them. And he needs her to understand that. So he waves the thick manila folders in her face, his tone deadly serious.
He's got no time to coddle her. The stakes are too high.
Olivia, look at me.
"Your grand jury testimony from last May. Study those transcripts." He's very close to her now, the friend completely gone, only the prosecutor remaining. His ass is on the line too. And his conscience, his soul. "If you deviate from your statement in ANY way it will create reasonable doubt about ALL of your testimony and he will USE it as a wedge. "
His voice is soft but what he says is chilling. "He could walk again, Liv."
She finally turns to look at him. Their eyes meet and hold.
There's fear in her eyes. But she gets the message.
There can be no mistakes, no fumbles, no surprises here.
He could walk again.
