I sat up quickly and took in my surroundings. I was still at Edward's house but I was alone for once. I got up and headed for the door.
"Bella?" a soft voice called for me.
"Thanks for everything, I'm just going to go now bye." I managed to get out before I felt a hand on my shoulder
"Bella, can I talk to you?"
I turned to see Esme watching me intently. "Where did everyone go?" I asked with curiosity
"They've gone out to give us a chance to talk."
"I don't understand Esme, I have nothing to talk about."
"Honey, you tried to kill yourself." She said as a statement and I flinched "It may not have been your intention but it did happen."
I looked away from her; I wasn't ready to face this. I was being attacked for my feelings
"What do you want from me?" I asked angrily
"What do you mean Bella?" she looked confused
"Everyone seems to want something from me. What is it you want?"
"I want to talk to you. I want to tell you that I know a little about what you may be feeling."
"No Esme, I'm sorry but I really don't think you can understand."
"I committed suicide Bella. I took my life." She said
"Yes, you did. And Carlisle gave you another one!" I retorted
She looked away with sadness in her eyes
"Look Esme, I'm sorry. Please, I know you mean well. But this-" I motioned between the two of us "Isn't going to help me right now. You're heart was broken at the loss of your child. Our situations are completely different."
"But Bella-" she stammered
"Don't you get it? I tried to kill myself for no apparent reason!" I reached for the doorknob and spun around "Please just let me go, I can't do this anymore!"
And with that, I walked away. I stumbled around the forest for a while. I was trying to runaway from everything, but mainly I just needed to get away from myself.
I soon found out how futile my attempt was and I collapsed onto the forest floor and began sobbing. I had to get out…I had to break free.
I made my way to the main road and began walking. I needed to hurry before Edward caught up to me and took me back. I was desperate. A van passed me on the road and slowly pulled over.
"Bella? Do you need a ride?" the man asked. He looked familiar, but I couldn't place him exactly
I was desperate so it took it "Yes! That would be great." I said and I jumped in the passenger seat
"So. What's a pretty little thing like you doing out here alone?" he smiled at me
"I've been lost for a while." I responded, "Where do I know you from?" I asked
"So where are you headed Bella?" he said with a chuckle, avoiding my last question
"Anywhere but here!" I said
"Okay. Well I'm headed to Portland. So just tell me where to drop you." He said
"Portland." I said, running it over in my mind. "Sounds good to me." I looked over to my savior and saw he was smiling
"Can I ask what you're running from?"
"Life."
"Well, I can tell you one thing…no matter how far you go, you'll never escape yourself. I should know"
I just looked at him, and began to cry. "Just let me out here." I said
"Here? Are you crazy? There's nothing around here."
"Please just let me out." I asked again
"Okay, okay!" he said as he pulled over.
"Thanks" I said jumping out of the van and I walked into the woods
"Bella! Please, come back." He cried out "Why are you acting so strange!"
I heard him following behind me. "Bella, let me take you home."
"I don't want to go home." I cried as I felt his arm wrap around me, pulling me to him.
"Then come with me. Don't just run. You'll be running forever." He whispered softly in my ear.
Something came over me and in that moment was someone else. I wanted to be anyone else but me, I reached out and pulled his face to mine. I kissed him fiercely, like I would drown with out this contact. I was over come with the need to be loved, by someone…anyone.
He ran his hand down my side, caressing my breast and he pushed me towards the tree. I felt him place kisses down my neck as he opened my shirt exposing my breasts to him. I felt stiffness against my leg and I lost control. I grabbed for his pants, and began unzipping them. I then felt his hard penis in my hand. He let out a groan and he tugged at my pants.
Soon we were on the ground and I had lost total control. I didn't know what I was doing; I just wanted to experience this once before I died.
"I'm still a virgin." I said blushing
He looked at me in surprise, "Are you sure you want to-" he began
I pushed him back on the forest floor and straddled him.
"My day just keeps getting better and better"
"I want to feel something. Anything." I said rubbing myself against him
He couldn't take much more, because he growled and flipped me over, placing his penis towards my entrance.
"I don't have a condom." He said
"I want to feel you inside of me. I want to feel your warmth flow with in me."
"I don't want to get you pregnant." he said kissing my neck
"It won't matter to me." I said carelessly
He looked into my sad eyes and plunged himself deep with one thrust. I let out a cry of pain, but he continued to move in and out
"Oh God Bella, you feel great!" he cried
As he continued to thrust within me, I felt nothing. No lust, nothing. I just felt empty
"Oh god Bella! You're so tight! I'm almost…oh yea!" he cried out as the pushed in once more and ejaculated inside of me.
He pulled out of me slowly not wanting to break the connection, and looked at me. I sat up and felt liquid drip from me.
"Bella?" he said
But I ignored him; I just dressed and headed back to the road
Once again he was behind me. "Please let me take you home."
"I'm not going home."
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to kill myself." I said simply
"What?" he cried out "No, Bella." He pulled me to him "I wont let you do this, not again!"
"How did you know?" I questioned. I was so confused from all the medication and the shock treatment. This man seemed familiar but I still couldn't place him "You know nothing about me!" I screamed
"Bella? What is wrong with you?" he pulled my face up to his." What have they done to you?"
"I'm confused" I managed "They hurt me. It hurt bad." I sobbed as I remembered the pain.
"What happened?" he asked angrily
"I can't remember." I said placing my hands on my head trying to stop the pain "Who are you?"
"You don't remember me?" he asked worried
"No." I replied honestly "I'm sorry"
"I love you Bella. We made love just now and you don't even remember me?"
I looked up into his sad eyes, and once again moved towards him. I ran my finger down his cheek and he closed his eyes to my touch. I wrapped my arms around him and placed my head to his bare chest. I closed my eyes and listened to the music of his heart.
"Jacob…. My Jacob."
