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Chapter Eleven
I wake to Spencer running a hand through my hair.
"Hey, how you feeling?"
"Alright. Probably better than I deserve. I'm sorry about last night."
"Hey, it's no big deal. We all get carried away sometimes."
"What are we doing today?"
"I actually have to go in for a couple of hours."
"On a Saturday?"
"Just to finish up my caseload. There's actually something I was wanting to talk to you about."
"What is it?"
"Well, after today, I have a two week vacation. And I was thinking about going to see my mom. If you wanted to come. I know it's last minute..."
"I'd love to come. When are you leaving?"
"As soon as possible."
"I could be ready by tonight?"
"Perfect. If you want to pick me up from work we can just leave straight from there."
"Okay sounds good."
...
I get to the BAU a few minutes early so I decide to just go up and surprise him. Wow. This place is kind of cool. I see him over in the corner putting papers into his bag and talking to Morgan and Elle so I make my way over to him.
"Hey honey, ready?"
"Almost."
"Hey Ashleigh. I was just telling Reid I could get my man to swing you guys a room. Even the two of you might have a little hanky pankey down there."
"No thanks," I laugh. "We're going to see Spencer's mom."
"Have fun with that."
...
When we land in Vegas we take a cab to a hotel. We're going to go in the morning to see her cause it's getting kind of late. I'm in the bathroom brushing my teeth when Spencer comes in behind me.
"Hey, you okay? I'm sure jet lag coupled with a hangover isn't the most pleasant thing in the world."
"I'm fine. You?"
"Yeah. I mean, I haven't physically seen my mother in a year so..."
"How come?"
"Work keeps me so busy..."
"But you talk to her right?"
"On occasion. We mostly write letters back and forth."
"That's sweet."
"Yeah...I guess it is. Hey, do you think I could talk to you about something?"
"What is it?"
"Not here...come with me." He takes my hand and leads me out to sit on the balcony. The look on his face breaks my heart.
"Spencer...what is it?"
"I need you to do something for me..."
"Spence, I would do anything for you."
"The next time we have sex...I want you to be on top. I know it's a strange request but...I need to try."
"What are you talking about you need to try? Does this have something to do with you not wanting to be touched?"
"It has everything to do with that." He looks like he is made of stone, all except for his eyes which are filled with pain.
"Spencer, where is all of this coming from?"
"Last night, when we were drinking. You wanted to...but I couldn't. Because I remembered."
"Remembered what?"
"I was about fourteen at the time. Knew absolutely nothing about girls. I just kept my head down and worked. I don't even think I was even interested at the time. I met this girl in class. I thought she was pretty so I stole a couple of looks at her. She noticed me and we started talking. I guess you could say she was my first girlfriend but she wasn't what I would classify as one."
"Whys that?"
"She wanted one thing. She always told me, "Spencer if you want to have a girlfriend you have to keep her happy." And so I did everything I could to make her happy because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. Basically followed her around like a lost puppy, followed every command."
"Like what?"
"I spent most of my time under her desk while she did homework."
"Oh...oh!"
"Yeah...she tried to touch me one day and I freaked out. So she came up with a plan to get me wasted. She took me to a party and got me all messed up before she...I had a panic attack, wasn't sure what was happening. And from then on I was a joke."
"Oh Spencer. I'm so sorry."
"It was a long time ago..."
"So you already had an aversion to touch?"
"Yes. The first time I remember anything traumatic was when I was about eleven. In high school. I was lured out to the football field, stripped naked and tied to the goal post...two girls touched me but...I was late in the...physical development department so I uh..."
"You hadn't hit puberty yet?"
"No...they eventually got bored and went home and I got home around midnight. My mom didn't know I was late. She was having an episode. I never told her because...I didn't want her to feel guilty. It wasn't her fault."
"Have you ever told anybody about this?"
"Well I reported Maeve. The girl who...the girl from MIT. But I've never told a soul about what they did to me in high school."
"Thank you for trusting me."
"I also...I think I was molested as a child and that's where this stems from."
"By who?"
"I don't know. I've just had nightmares. My entire life. I can't remember anything. I just thought you should know."
"Thank you for telling me, Spencer. I know it had to be hard."
"I don't want to have any secrets between us."
"Me either. I love you so much."
"And I love you...let's get to bed?"
"Sounds perfect."
