Chapter Ten: Off on the Wrong Foot

He spent the rest of the afternoon in the library alternating between studying and resting his head on the table forcing back tears. He would just have to get used to the effect of the aconite, he'd just have to get used to the humiliating lessons where he was labeled as a monster and how to kill him was discussed. He would just have to get used to it all if he wanted to stay, and despite everything, he wanted to.

"Remus, what the hell are you doing?" He jumped and hoped he looked calmer than he felt as he sat up and glanced at Sirius looking away quickly.

"I was looking for you. I didn't see you at breakfast or dinner…..why aren't you eating?"

"Just….not hungry." He knew it was a weak excuse but he figured Sirius would take it and leave. After all, the boy had no reason to care about him nor any reason to feel responsible for his well being. So why he didn't leave but sat next to Remus he truly didn't know.

"That's a bloody lie and you know it. Potter and Pettigrew might pretend to buy whatever the hell game you're playing but I don't. I can't figure out your problem so you're going to tell me that way we can be mates and actually enjoy our school years yeah?"

"What problem?" He hated how guilty and panicked he sounded and felt a chill as Sirius glared at him.

"Come on Remus I want to be your friend. I don't understand you but you seem nice enough if not weird and something clearly is wrong so what is it? Friends help each other and I mean….well you came looking to help me so let me do the same ok?"

Stormy eyes gazed challengingly at him and Remus wanted to snap at Sirius to go away, to leave him alone because his day had been wonderful, then terrible and everything was confusing and painful. He just wanted time to get used to being here let alone the fact being friendly with people and not the target of bullying might be possible.

But he didn't say any of that if he had perhaps things would have gone differently but instead, he looked at Sirius with earnest confusion and uttered four words that would change the course of the next month to a very unpleasant one.

"But we aren't friends." Sirius jerked back as if Remus had slapped him, but he hadn't meant anything by it. After all, it was the truth, they weren't friends and they couldn't be and Remus found more fault in pretending they were then in just being as honest as he could with Sirius. It seemed that Sirius didn't get this nor did he particularly care to the motivation behind it.

For one wild moment, his eyes flashed with rage and humiliation as if he hadn't been used to hearing no from someone clearly beneath him. Then he smiled, it was neither sincere nor kind and Remus felt dread seep into him as he realized, once more he had somehow messed things up terribly with Sirius.

"Well if you aren't my friend then you are my enemy and by proxy Peter's and James' as well." He should have taken it back then, should have convinced Sirius he indeed wanted to be friends, but instead, he just dug his grave deeper.

"Can't….can't we just be…..acquaintances?" He begged just wanting some peace and time to sort everything out. Sirius sneered at him looking like a prince ready to flog his servant. It was an effectively withering look and Remus found he could no longer speak.

"Acquaintances? It doesn't work like that. You are either with us or against us. It would be different if you were in a different dorm but you're living with us so we can't just be acquaintances. Besides you've just proven what I was trying to figure out. You're disgusting!" Sirius snapped looking very angry and very hurt and Remus couldn't understand what he did that was so wrong.

Surely Sirius hadn't figured out what he was otherwise he wouldn't have bothered talking to him and would have simply killed him instead. "Bag himself a werewolf" like he and James and been fantasizing about, that and a dragon. He felt tears prick at his eyes and part of him wanted to ask why they couldn't be acquaintances and what he had done but couldn't bring himself to.

"You'll get what's coming to you." Sirius huffed then stormed out leaving Remus to break down in sobs in peace.

He cried for a long time then pretended to study since older students had entered the library. But instead cried some more careful not to let his tears ruin the book he was failing to read.

Finally, the librarian ushered him out sending him a suspicious glare as if the notion of a first-year boy spending his first day at Hogwarts diligently studying was impossible. With nowhere else to go and feeling bone tired he returned to the common room.

He was nervous, downright afraid to go to his dorm room, so he huddled in a corner and watched the fire roar in the fireplace. None of the older students paid him any mind and soon he was alone.

Finding it possible to relax now that he was alone he gently unfolded the blanket draped over the couch and pulled it around himself leaning back into the beanbag chair he was in and drifting off into a restless and stressful sleep.

. . .

For the next nearly four weeks Remus did his best to focus on his classes, this proved relatively easy as he had no other interests and no friends. He was used to loneliness and at least here he had good food and only had to take care of himself.

But he would be lying if part of him didn't miss home, didn't miss the rare but occasional signs of affection from his father. He still hadn't heard from him and could only assume that his brief letter to his dad saying he was in Hogwarts and having a good time had done enough to ease his worries.

Deep down though he knew his father probably wasn't worried at all, in fact, it was he who was very worried about his father. He desperately wished his father would write back and tell him he'd been eating regular meals and going to work, but as hard as he wished no such response came.

He might have worried himself sick if it wasn't for the constant unpleasant distraction that was Sirius Black. Because they were enemies this seemed to mean Remus was the recipient of prank after prank after prank.

He was increasingly baffled by Sirius who seemed to grow angrier with each apology Remus gave him. He was doing his best to bring some semblance of peace between them but it seemed it was too late for that.

So almost four weeks went of dungbombs and stink pellets, of bugs in his bed and his shoes missing. Of his showers having to be somewhere else or not at all because some sort of blood came out from the shower head instead of water.

That had been one of the worse ones and left him sobbing in the shower nearly all day. He also had a storm cloud following him that had luckily been rather weak and run out before he needed to leave for class. Of course, classes had been increasingly harder as his books and homework went missing and reappeared randomly if at all.

He wasn't sure if it was all Sirius' doing or if Peter and James had joined in. He only knew that neither of them stopped Sirius, even when Remus had to miss class because someone had used the leviosa spell to levitate a bucket of water over his head. That had resulted in him being soaked and a rather bad headache from the bucket hitting his head.

If it wasn't for Lily, Remus would most likely have left Hogwarts or at least would have attempted to leave the Gryffindor house.

"Honestly they are so immature, you ought to tell them off Remus then maybe they'd stop," She chided gently letting him look off her notes as his had gone missing.

"They'll….get bored eventually." He responded wearily trying to give her a reassuring smile and failing miserably. The harassment was starting to affect his school work, and this seemed to cross an invisible line that before had kept Lily at bay.

"Next time I catch them at it, Remus, I'll say something!"

"Oh Lilly no! Don't do that it will only make it worse." He begged, feeling both grateful and frustrated with her interference.

"I don't care. It's either this or I tell a teacher. It's been almost a month of this nonsense. They need to grow up. You know they've been bullying Sev too it's unbelievable! Those two think they run the school. We ought to retaliate." Remus looked at her shocked. Lily was always so adamant about not breaking rules and avoiding banned or even semi-banned items at all cost.

This practice had earned her quite the reputation as a party pooper and most of the first years called her 'Fake Prefect' behind her back. Remus felt a great deal of shame, Lily was the closest thing to a friend he had and he hadn't once attempted to defend her. Lily went red realizing what she said.

"Well, nothing terrible just….just ooooo they really annoy me. They apparently humiliated Sev in front of the few friends he's made in Slytherin. He was so upset he was crying to me the other night in our…."

She paused realizing not for the first time that she had said too much to Remus. The way she paled then blushed then grew defiant would have been mildly amusing if he hadn't been feeling so guilty about not doing anything to help her.

"You won't tell anyone will you Remus?" He forced a smile, she must have asked him this at least a half a dozen times this week alone. Lily meant well but when she got worked up there was no such thing as secrets. Other than Severus it seemed Dorcas and Remus were the only people who allowed her to get worked up.

"Of course not." He assured her wondering when she'd get the picture that he wouldn't be repeating this to anyone. Not just because him keeping her secrets was the only way he could be of any use to her, but because he had no one else to tell them too.

"Thank you, Remus, you are such a good friend!" Her words surprised him and he stood up from the table as if Sirius had just enchanted another kick me sign to stick on his back followed by an enchanted shoe doing so.

"Remus are you ok?"

"I….I just remembered I left my homework in the classroom." He came up with wildly and quickly left ignoring Lily's hurt and concerned shout.

"But it's Saturday!"

He hurried out of the library and went to his very small nook that he had found while trying to find a place to hide from Peeves. He was at a loss as to how, but somehow Sirius had convinced the Poltergeist to follow Remus all day singing at the top of his lungs as he pelted him with slime balloons. He lifted up the hanging tapestry and huddled behind it burying his face in his knees, the only way one could fit.

He hadn't expected Lily to come after him and he really hadn't expected Dorcas to come with her. The three of them studied together sometimes, Lily and Remus more often then Dorcas who preferred to spend her free time outside.

But they weren't friends, not with him….they couldn't be! Remus had done nothing but sit there and listen, every so often answering the occasional question or reassuring Lily's opinion about class topics or classmates.

"I just saw him a minute ago. Lily, what on earth happened? Was it Black and Potter again?" Dorcas sounded angry and threatening and she cracked her knuckles as if reading for a fight. This both touched Remus and terrified him, if the two of them retaliated for him the pranks would never end.

"I don't know Dorcas he looked so upset though. You don't think Potter and Black are beating him or hexing him or something worse, do you? He's always so jumpy…." Lily responded, her voice softer and slower than usual.

"I mean I know those two are idiots but they aren't that malicious are they?"

"I think so! I mean look at what they did to Sev!"

"Lily we talked about this I don't want to hear about that Slytherin not after what he said to Marlene! You really shouldn't be friends with him."

"But Dorcas you don't understand Sev would never do that he's so kind he's just…"

"Misunderstood? He's not, not really. Lily for someone so smart you can be really stupid." Dorcas said matter of factly and there was a disappointment in her voice that must have quelled whatever argument Lily had been about to use.

Personally, Remus agreed with Dorcas, he found Severus to be very unpleasant from the few times he joined them studying. But Lily truly had nothing but faith in him and it made Remus hope that she was right about the moody boy.

"Come on let's go back you can ask him about it later." Dorcas sighed after a few minutes her tone softener now.

"Fine. I hope he's ok." Lily sniffled but Remus was sure she was near tears because Dorcas hurt her feelings and not out of worry for Remus,...pretty sure anyways. He spent the rest of the day by himself narrowly escaping detection by Peter and James once and Lily and Severus a second time.

He wanted to skip dinner but he had been skipping so many meals, in fear of public humiliation which Sirius seemed to have no qualms against, that he was starting to lose weight.

So he forced himself to go to the Great Hall and face Dorcas and Lily. He contemplated not sitting with them but that would put him closer to Sirius and the other boys all of who were in a rowdy conversation about the only two things they ever seemed to talk about Quidditch and pranks.

He'd take his chances with a frustrated Dorcas and Lily. After all, he was much more certain they wouldn't spike his pumpkin juice with a candy powder that made his nose grow every time he talked. That prank had caused nearly the whole of the great hall to laugh at Severus and resulted in him avoiding eating there for over a week, afraid he'd be next.

But he couldn't ignore how hungry he was and with the full moon on Tuesday night he knew he needed as much food in him as he could manage. Considering Tuesday he wouldn't be eating much of anything.

"...hi." He ventured nervously fiddling with his hands as he waited for the food to appear. It had taken a while to get used the phenomenon but now even muggle-born Lily didn't react to the sudden feast that appeared before them.

"Where did you go? What was that about?" Lily huffed in her tone that caused most people to see her as nothing but bossy.

"Yeah Remus, what gives ditching your friends like that?" He flinched badly as Sirius sauntered over to them and ignored the girl's glares as he sat next to Remus.

"Sirius leave him alone!" Dorcas warned her eyes narrowing dangerously at Sirius.

"Oh, what gives Dor? Can't two roommates chat for a minute?" Lily's eyes were blazing with anger but if Sirius noticed he didn't care.

This was bad, any minute now Lily would send off a spell and any chance at this ending would be ruined.

"We can talk." He said quickly shooting the girls a pleading look that did nothing to lessen their glares at Sirius but did prevent, at least for a moment, an assault. He let Sirius lead him out of the great hall sure this time mischievous pranks would turn downright malicious and he'd end up in the hospital wing.

Sirius clearly noticed Remus' discomfort but he leaned against a wall and gave him the type of lazy grin that was usually directed at James or Peter.

"Just wanted to let you know that you'll be needing another blanket because the one in your trunk is ruined." If Remus had been given a choice he would have rather ended up in the hospital wing covered in boils as Severus had been a few days ago. This was so much worse!

"W….what?" He asked voice cracking with barely contained emotion. Sirius' lazy grin slipped slightly but was quickly back again and he shrugged.

"What? It's just a dumb wittle blankie for little Lupin." He teased in the good-natured tone he used with James and Peter, but it sounded anything but to Remus at the moment.

It didn't occur to him that it might have been an accident or that Sirius might have been putting up a mask to hide his guilt. All he could think about was the one thing he had left of his mother was ruined. He should have been mad but instead, he felt tears fill his eyes.

"How could you?" He whispered devastated and then turned around and bolted for the Gryffindor common room.

"Password?"

"I….I…" He couldn't stop the tears from running down his cheeks. It took the fat lady a moment to notice but once she did she opened the door without making him say the password.

He stumbled into the common room and somehow managed to make it up to the steps despite not being able to see through his tears. He fumbled with the doorknob and fell to the ground, the last of his hope the quilt would be salvageable in ashes much like the remains of what seemed to be some of the contents of his trunk.

"No!" He cried heartbrokenly. Cried desolate sobs that shook his whole body.

He cried loudly practically screaming with frustration and pain. It was all he had left of her, now it was gone. It couldn't be gone it simply couldn't.

This wasn't fair!

What had he done to deserve such cruel treatment? He heard several pairs of feet running up the stairs. He didn't care who it was he didn't want anyone entering. Not really expecting it to work he glared at the door through his tears and with a wave of his wand said clearly as he could muster.

"Colloportus."

He heard the click of the door lock just as someone jiggled it. He hunched over himself and sobbed quieter not realizing how clearly he could still be heard from the hall.