Disclaimer - I don't own Degrassi.
I looked at my feet, which dangled off the high building.
It was a cold night and my hair danced in the air.
I frowned at the cars, which appeared so small from up here.
My mind was cloudy but deep down every fiber of my being knew that what I was about to do was wrong. But then again, I had never felt so disgusting - All I wanted was to crawl out of my skin and not feel or think for a while. I don't deserve to walk this earth.
I breathed the cold air in, feeling shaky. So this is how it fees like when the end of everything is near.
I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I closed my eyes and breathed out a shaky breath. I couldn't bring myself to jump. My stomach dropped and my body was on fire.
Suddenly it felt like I had turned off a switch on my brain and I felt myself leaning over the edge, about to let go and fall to my death, when suddenly my survival urge kicked in and I clung onto the building - onto life, while leaning back in.
I let out a chocked sob, not knowing what to do with myself.
"I knew I should have got drunken for this." I mumbled to myself through fresh tears, still looking at my feet. The height of the building, my clenching stomach and my racing heart.. It all made me nauseous.
"Clare, Arthur broke up with Candy!" Alli squealed, clapping her hands in excitement, before taking my hands in her hands.
"Oh yeah?" I let go of Alli's hands and took my books out of the locker.
Alli's grin dropped and so did her hands. "What is wrong with you? Why aren't you excited about this?" She put her hands on her hips and frowned at me. "You're acting weird today."
"I-I'm sorry - I'm kinda out of it today." I told her, offering her a half-hearted smile, as I closed my locker. We made our way to class.
Alli sighed after a while of silence between us. "There's something you're not telling me about - talk to me, Clare." She said silently.
"Everything's fine, Alli." I assured her, putting a streak of hair behind my ear.
Silence.
Suddenly Alli turned around, stopped in front of me and put both her hands on my shoulder. "Don't you at least wanna know why Arthur broke up with her?" She grinned, her eyes gleaming with excitement.
"Why?" I asked for her sake.
"He said he's interested in another girl, which.. Is probably you! Jenna heard Katie talking to Bianca about how Dallas said that it's you!" Alli exclaimed happily, her voice getting more enthusiastic with every word, as she squeezed my shoulders.
I nodded, feeling the tears welling up in my eyes. "I don't deserve him, Alli. And I don't deserve you! I don't deserve anybody.." My voice broke into a whisper and some tears were falling freely now.
"Clare.." Alli looked shocked and sad about my sudden outburst.
"Eli is right about everything that he's saying about me." I whispered gloomily.
Alli tried to comprehend what I was saying, as she narrowed her eyes. "Clare, what are you -"
"Clare, hey!" I turned around to see Arthur staring at me with a sheepish grin. When he saw my red puffy face, his grin however dropped as if it was never there. Yeah, I do that to people. I make them lose their smile. I quickly tried to wipe the remaining tears off my face, which didn't help much. "Er, bad timing, I guess." He scratched the back of his neck. "What's wrong?"
"N-nothing," Alli chuckled nervously. "She.. Has an allergy.. Uh, hay fever, yeah, you know?" She shrugged, her eye twitching as she grins.
I nodded. "Right, right!"
Upon hearing that, Arthur gained his smile back. "Sorry to hear that," He scratched his neck once more. "I was wondering if you'd maybe like to go out with me sometime.." He said carefully but with determination.
I felt so little.. I had other things on my mind. "Uhm.." I looked to the side with weary eyes, trying to gather my thoughts.
"You need time to think about it, I get that." He smiled understandingly. "Just.. Call me when you've made up your mind. I'll wait."
"Thanks." I smiled back, but the smile didn't quite reach my eyes.
He made a little wave gesture, before walking to the opposite direction.
As soon as he was out of ear reach, Alli squealed. "He likes you!"
"Were you avoiding me this whole week? I've missed you." Was what Adam said the second I said down in front of him in my English class.
"No.. I had a lot to do this week." I told Adam. Honestly, I was just drowning in self-loather. "And I missed you too." I smiled with sad eyes.
Truth be told, I couldn't look into anyone's eyes at this point. I was beginning to hate myself bone-deep. How would I live with myself?
When Eli walked in and took his seat next to Adam, I quickly turned around. And even though he had every right to curse me and despise me, he was the only one who'd might understand me.
Julia.. I am so sorry and it pains me deeply that I wasn't there. It's only fair for me to live in misery.
When the bell rang and everyone hurried outside, I took heart and.. Took a hold of Eli's wrist, after he had collected his books and was about to leave. He'd never stay if I'd ask him to hear me out.
Adam stood still when he saw me grabbing Eli's arm. It seemed like he was holding his breath in. Heaven knows what is about to go down..
Eli's glances lowered and found my hand. "Did I not fucking tell you not to touch me? Do I fucking stutter?" He snapped. He easily pulled his arm out of my loose grip and pushed me slightly. It wasn't enough to make me stumble back or anything. I was caught off guard nevertheless.
"Eli!" Adam warned.
"What did Julia say about me, Eli?" I asked him, as my knees trembled and my voice cracked.
"Why would you care, bitch? You never cared." Eli spat, eyeing me from head to toe with a grimace.
"Enough, Eli!" Adam spoke up with a raised voice. "You're making a total ass out of yourself - Give her a break!"
Eli chuckled bitterly. "She's the one standing in front of me asking me about her deceased best friend! This bitch didn't even know she was dead! She never bothered to ask how her friend was doing! I'm not fucking terrorizing her - I'm telling her to get out of my face!" He defended himself. "What an insane, ruthless fuck.." He smirked, looking not amused at all. Ouch, right in the heart. I squeezed my eyes shut.
"Yeah at some point she was her friend, okay," Adam answered patiently. "But people drift apart - it happens."
I was so thankful for Adam. I cannot describe how much I love him..
"And Clare has a right to know what her friend had to say about her." He added.
"Yeah, and my girlfriend had the right to live in peace - I guess not everyone's getting what they want." Eli's eyes sparkled. He was crying. For the first time that I've known him..
Girlfriend? The weight on my shoulder's was getting heavier and heavier.
"Oh my god, I had no - " I covered my mouth, feeling my heart racing.
"No idea? That's new." He said sarcastically but with a cold tone, before he walked out.
Adam stood there. Puzzled and overwhelmed. "I'm sorry." Adam said.
"Sorry, Adam." I replied, looking back at him, feeling like the walls of the class were crumbling around me.
I couldn't focus on my studies. I got up from my desk and dragged myself to bed, pulling the blanket over my head. "I don't wanna live, I don't wanna live.." I mumbled to no one.
I then heard my cell phone ringing and pulled it out of my pocket. Arthur 3 it read on my display.
"Hello?" I hoped I sounded normal.
"Hey, Clare." I could hear him smile. "I um, was wondering if you," He chuckled shyly. "Well, made up your mind."
"Uh, sure." I answered, shrugging. "I mean, yes."
"Yes?" He sounded hopeful. It was very cute.
"Yeah!"
"So.. You do want to go out?" He asked between happy laughter.
"Yes." I repeated, smiling slightly at his excitement.
"Great! Let's go to Eli's houseparty tonight." He suggested and I felt sick.
"No." I said silently.
"Why not, Clare? Everyone's going." He sounded confused and taken back by my immediate response and change of tone.
"I really don't feel like going to a house party tonight," I told him, trying to sound convincing and gaining the color of my tone back. "Let's grab something to eat instead."
".. Let's meet up some other time then." Arthur said after a long pause.
My heart dropped. I was ruining everything.
"Okay, let's go together then." I gave in.
"No, no, it's okay, really. I don't want to force you into going." He insisted, but his slightly taunting voice didn't go unnoticed. "There's always next time."
"Good, have fun, Arthur!" I sighed, feeling numb. Why bother? Everything was falling apart around me. Everything was lying in front of my feet.
"See you, Clare."
And what did I do?
Well, I ended up going to the party.. Alone. Searching for Arthur, hiding from Eli but getting myself drunk for the very first time in my life in the process.
This is great! Nothing hurts. I smirked.
Everything felt half as bad, nothing really mattered. I was a free soul, floating around the house.
I was dancing goofily to the music that was blasting in the background. I probably made a fool out of myself but I didn't care one bit. I was in a parallel universe.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned around to see a laughing Arthur. "Clare! You came!" - "Yeah!" I laughed. My name sounded pretty when he said it.
"Wanna dance?" He lead me to dance floor and we danced wildly together. It was an awesome feeling. We came closer and as my hips swung to the beat, one of his hand left my hip and found its way to my cheek. He leaned in and we kissed for a few seconds, before he pulled away and smiled at me, looking me deep in the eyes. I smiled back, feeling so careless that it made me feel invincible.
But as the party was coming to an end, I felt sick to my stomach. So Arthur brought me to the bathroom. He assured me that it was fine, but I was so embarrassed, as I slowly came back to my senses. I was leaning over Eli's toilet, vomiting on my first date with Arthur.
"I think everyone's gone." Arthur said, as he kneeled next to me, while I was still leaning over the toilet, feeling like I was throwing up my organs.
After a little while of Arthur rubbing my back and trying to comfort me, the door flung open and no other than Elijah Goldsworthy stepped in.
"Out! Both of you!" I heard Eli order.
"Man, she's not feeling to great, can't you see? She's still a little hazy."
"Yeah, the party is over - she can feel hazy somewhere else. Bye." I heard him answer, before I threw up again. This night was yet another nightmare.
"Let's go, Clare." Arthur told me.
I turned around and looked at the two standing figures. Everything around me was turning.
"My mom can't see me like that." I pleaded, trying hard to get the words out, as I was feeling something coming up again. I held it down however.
There was a pause. "You can come with me." Arthur offered casually, before I heard Eli sigh. "Okay, no. Sorry, dude." I heard him say. "I know it may seem offensive but you seem to be attracted to her and like you said, she's still hazy - you might try something on her."
"The fuck? What the hell are you saying?" Arthur was getting louder.
"You might not, but you can never be too careful when it comes to these things." Eli replied, unimpressed.
Arthur laughed humorless. "Okay, whatever, dude. I'm taking her with me. I care about her, she's my date and you were about to kick us out. So you're not really in the position to judge or tell me how to handle this situation."
"She's staying here." Eli answered, ignoring Arthur's whole rant. I turned back around to the toilet and threw up for the hundredth time.
"And how the fuck would I know that you're not trying something on her, Eli?"
I laughed at that because this was by far the funniest thing I have heard this whole week. This caught their attention and both looked at me. "Eli screams bloody murder every time I come near him."
"Edwards, why the fuck would you drink this much?" Was Eli's answer.
I felt a hand on my back. "Feel better." I heard Arthur tell me, before the door opened and closed again.
Then out of nowhere, I felt like this was the saddest point of my whole existence with no return. I cried silently next to the toilet.
Eli kneeled next to me. "Text your mom you're staying at Alli's. Can you do that?" He spoke to me like I was so fragile. But this.. This was Eli.
"Yeah.. No. I- I can't really see straight. And Alli is not hooome." I whimpered.
Eli rubbed his temper. "Can I have your phone, Clare?" Again, he spoke so softly and patiently. Maybe I actually was in a parallel universe. And Clare? Seriously?
I reached into my pocket and gave it to him.
He typed something in, before handing it back to me.
"You done puking?" He then asked in the same tone, which calmed me. Still it was a very Eli-like question to ask.
"I think so," I answered. Then I started to sob, grasping the toilet. "I want to die, Eli. I'm so sorry. Please let me go. Please let me die. I don't want this anymore! Please!"
"You don't mean that." I heard him mumble soothingly.
"I do, I do!" I sobbed.
And I did.
I wanted it all to end.
"You may think that I'm not in the right mind because of this alcohol. But I cannot sleep or eat or do anything. I feel like I'm not living anymore, I'm just killing time, I - I feel so horrible," I sobbed uncontrollably. "Do you think she's okay, Eli? Do you think she still likes me? Please! No, no no!"
I felt his arms wrap around me. "She's fine. I know she is." I heard him mumble with a shaky voice into my hair. "She likes you a lot." He assured me. He then let go of me after my sobs had died down.
Oh I was thinking about killing myself, don't you mind, don't you mind
A/N: There is still so much to come, we're not even halfway done! :D
And at DamonFan1300: Eli and Clare will end up together. I promise.
What did you think, guys?
Hope you enjoyed J and thank you so much for all the reviews -it means a lot!
