SECRECY

Chapter 11

Weeks had passed — we were going on our second month of going out. The season was changing into winter. Although Carmel is very warm year-round, the shock of winter was still among us — temperatures dropping, even if it was only fifty or sixty degrees outside (the nights, though, they were cold). I almost forgot how cold New York had been compared to this. Almost.

And yet, even as we progressed even further into our relationship, we still didn't let anybody know what was going on between us. While I loved Jesse — but had not yet admitted it to his face — I was starting to think that this was a bad idea. People needed to know.

And Marta agreed with me, too, when I complained to her about this. She was the only one who knew now and who I could go to for advice. Unless I wanted to go through a whole 'hypothetical' conversation with my mother, but then she would forget the 'hypothetical' part and flat out ask who it was. I couldn't go through with that.

"Go and talk to Jesse about it," she had advised me. "Let him know how you feel."

I sighed in defeat. That was something I didn't want to do. "Marta..."

She shrugged. "Suze, I know you want people to know about you two, but he doesn't, obviously. There has to be some reason for that and you need to ask him about it."

I sighed again. "You're right," I said.

She just smiled, one which said 'of course I'm right.'

As I was leaving her bedroom to go home, I was thinking about where Jesse and I could go to talk.

But, it turned out, I did not even need to. I bumped into Jesse on my way down. He, of course, was shocked to see me, because he had not even known I was here.

"Susannah," he said, still a little surprised, "what are you doing here?"

I smiled weakly. Busted. "Uh, I was just talking with Marta." I cocked my head to the side, remembering something. "What are you doing home? I thought you had to work." Yeah, I guess I forgot to mention that. Jesse works at the local historical society, where, I realized when I went in there one day, many girls just go in there to ogle my boyfriend.

"I called in sick today," he said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Actually, I wanted to talk to you, if that was all right."

I could not help the sudden flicker of fear that clenched my heart. Was he breaking up with me?

No, I thought, pushing all of the negative thoughts out of my head, Jesse would never do that. Despite the fact that he wants to keep our relationship a secret, I know he loves me. I can feel that he loves me.

"Um, okay," I said unsurely.

He smiled a little, but I could tell that it was an effort for him to do so. "Do you have to be home right now?"

I shook my head. "My mom and Andy are out of town again this weekend," I said.

"Oh," he said. He looked pensive. "Would you mind if we went to your house? I'll drive you."

I shook my head. "No, it's fine. I wanted to talk to you, too, actually."

He nodded and chuckled lightly. "I can see this is working out lovely." It was a little bit of sarcasm. I never even knew Jesse was capable of sarcasm. He always seemed so serious all of the time.

It was weird. When I was feeling serious, Jesse was not. And when I was usually carefree and flamboyant, Jesse was all serious and, well, a little uptight. He really did need to loosen up a little bit.

And it was funny, hearing the word 'lovely' come from his lips. I couldn't help but smile. I laughed, too, at what he said.

So we went to my house. Jake was home. Brad was out with his latest skank of the week. And David was at some nerd convention or something.

The first thing Jake said when he saw us was, "Where are you guys going?"

I looked at him and smiled, hoping not to reveal anything. "We're just gonna go hang out."

Jake looked at Jesse, to confirm if what I had just said was true or not. Jesse nodded. Then Jake said, "Man, it seems as if you like hanging out with my sister more than me."

I didn't bother correcting him on the whole sister thing.

Jesse just smiled, too. He knew Jake was kidding, but there was something I caught in his voice that Jesse didn't. Suspicion.

"I'm just a lot more fun than you are, Jake," I said teasingly.

Jake rolled his eyes. "Of course," he said. "How could I not have seen that?"

I grinned. He really was funny when he wanted to be. And although he looked sleepy (or maybe stoned) half the time, he still managed to make everyone around him feel appreciated.

Including me, which was something I rarely experienced before I moved to Carmel, California.

"Well," Jake said. "I'm gonna go catch some waves. You're welcome to join me." He was hinting at something again. I could just tell.

Jesse looked at me questioningly, as if he wasn't sure what to say. Take Jake up on his offer so he wouldn't suspect something, or decline and have Jake wonder?

He opted for the latter, though. "Actually," he said, "there are some things I need to discuss with your sister, Jake."

I didn't bother correcting Jesse, either. I knew it wouldn't be appreciated at that moment.

When Jake raised an eyebrow, I elaborated. "Girl troubles," I said simply. "He just wants some advice." Jake's eyebrow went down and he looked back at Jesse. Jesse at least had the decency to try and look all embarrassed about it.

Or maybe he wasn't even trying at all.

Because, really, that's what it was. Technically, I was not lying at all about the girl troubles. Because, frankly, Jesse and I were having some troubles.

But...Jake didn't need to know that. Not yet, anyway.

"All right," he said. "Well, I'll see you guys later."

"Yeah," I said, as he edged toward the front door. "Bye."

He smiled and then he disappeared out the front door.

"That was close," I said, not even realizing the words escaping my mouth.

"You can say that again," Jesse said. And when I was about to say it again, Jesse held up a hand and said, "Well, maybe not."

And I just laughed.

We made our way upstairs and into my bedroom. I sat down on my bed, which was unmade, the sheets and comforter sliding off the end of the bed, one by one.

Jesse went and sat down on the window seat, scowling at my bed. "What?" I said defensively, when I saw him giving it the eye.

He just shook his head. "Nothing," he said. "It's just that I wonder how someone so perfect like you could be so...disorganized."

I wasn't really put off by the whole disorganized remark. But the whole perfect thing...well, that was a little hard to believe. "Perfect?" I echoed.

He just smiled. "Yes, perfect. To me, Susannah, you are the epitome of perfect."

"To you," I said. "To everyone else I'm just...weird."

He laughed. "Well, you can be a little strange sometimes, but that's why I love you."

I knew he didn't mean to say that. I mean, I knew he meant it, just he didn't mean to say it then. So I wasn't really surprised at the look that crossed his face then.

I didn't say anything, and neither did he. You could cut the tension between us with a knife, I swear. Or hell, even a spoon.

It's amazing how fast the mood can change.

"Susannah, I..." He didn't know what to say now. He was speechless, as was I.

Or so I thought I was.

"You love me?" I asked softly. Although I knew it all along, it was just so...nice to hear him say it. I wanted him to say it again.

He sighed and ran a nervous hand through his hair. "I...yes, I do. I didn't mean for it to come out like that, but I do. I think...I think I have always loved you, querida."

I smiled, my lips slowly curving upward into a huge grin.

I got up off my unmade bed and crossed the room to my window seat, sitting down next to Jesse. Jesse still seemed really nervous, like he thought I was going to tell him to get lost or something.

Then I leaned into him and kissed him, very slowly and sensually. I pulled back just as he was about to deepen the kiss. Even before I said the words, I knew he knew. "I love you, too," I whispered to him.

And then he was back to kissing me again, pushing me back into the pillows. Dios, as Jesse would say. It was so good. Not just the feeling, but now that I was positive he loved me. The confirmation was more than what I had been hoping for.

But just as I knew he would, Jesse pulled away from me just as things were approaching second base. However...it wasn't just for the reason I thought.

"Susannah," he murmured. "I really think we should talk about...whatever we needed to talk about." He paused. "Before things get out of hand."

I smiled, still a little dazed from the kisses he had just given me. "You're right."

He smiled at me, then pulled me back up to a sitting position.

When Jesse didn't say anything, I figured I should start. "Jesse...I want to know something."

It was vague, but Jesse nodded anyway, gesturing for me to continue.

"Why don't you want anyone to know about us? I mean, this whole 'secrecy' thing is getting way out of hand. I...I can't stand it anymore."

He heaved a big sigh. "Querida, it's not that I don't want anyone to know. It's just...I'm nervous as to what some people would think."

"Some people? Who? And you should know by now that I don't care what people think of me, and you shouldn't either."

"I know," he said, not elaborating on the whole 'some people' thing.

I sighed. "Jesse, what's going on?"

He didn't answer me. Normally I would just be very disappointed (or very angry), but...I was expecting to not be answered, so the disappointment was not as great.

Although, an answer still would have been nice.

I decided to change the subject. Obviously that was something he didn't want to talk about right now. "What did you want to talk about, Jesse?"

He didn't answer at first. I actually thought he was just going to ignore me again, but he didn't. "What I wanted to talk to you about is actually what you've been asking me. I..." He hesitated. "I guess I'm just afraid people won't accept us."

What? How could he think that? It's not like it was an interracial relationship (well, sort of), or one of us was a druggie or something.

"Who do you think won't accept us, Jesse?" I asked, like before.

He looked up at my ceiling, contemplating on something. Then he brought his eyes back to me. "Well, your brothers, for one."

"And...?"

"And just our families in general. Susannah, we've known each other for so long that...well, it would be very awkward if they suddenly knew we were dating."

"Jesse, my mom and Andy love you — almost as much as I do. They wouldn't think that!"

"That may be true, but that's as your friend, Susannah, not as your boyfriend," he said matter-of-factly.

I contemplated this. "Maybe..." I said. "But we'll never know if we don't let anyone else know."

He was staring at the ceiling again. What was so fascinating about my ceiling, I will never know.

"Is that what this was all about, Jesse? That you didn't know how are families would react?"

The blush creeping onto his face was enough proof for me.

"Well," I said in a business-like voice, "there's only one way to settle this."

- § -

I finished up my make-up and fluffed my hair. It looked okay. I definitely could have done better on it, but I didn't have all that much time. Curling your hair, after all, takes quite a bit of time (or for me at least).

I walked out of the bathroom and checked myself out in the floor-length mirror on the back of my bedroom door.

After I was sure I looked good, I went over to my closet to get some shoes. I finally decided on a pair of flats with red sequins on them that matched my red blouse. My skirt was a white silky one with random red swirls on it (also the same red as my shirt). My purse was just white, since I could not find a red one in my closet.

I looked at the clock on my bedside table. 7:56 p.m. He should be here very soon.

I opened my bedroom door and walked out into the hallway and then down the stairs. My mom saw me coming down and looked at me in shock. "Suzie? Where are you going like that, honey?"

I smiled at her and waited until I was at the bottom on the stairs to explain to her. "I have a date tonight, Mom."

Her eyes widened. Then she hugged me. "Oh, Suzie! Why didn't you tell me beforehand? Can I meet him? Is he handsome?"

"Yes to all of the above."

She grinned, if she wasn't all ready before. "What's his name, honey?"

"I'll tell you when he gets here."

"I'm going to go get Andy," she said excitedly and scurried off toward the kitchen, where, sure enough, Andy was cooking something. I heard there voices from where I was standing, but I couldn't make out what exactly they were saying.

Then the doorbell rang.

Take a deep breath, Suze. It will all be all right.

My mom came out of the kitchen with Andy on her arm right then. Andy didn't look as excited as my mom did, but that was probably because I was sort of like his daughter and he cared for me and I was going on a date.

Woah, run-on sentence there.

I opened the door slowly, and saw Jesse's smiling face. When the door was fully opened, I grabbed his arm and pulled him in.

I turned around to 'introduce' Jesse to my parents. But I noticed that they both had shocked looks on their faces (although, my mom's shock was in delight, I could tell).

"Mom, Andy," I said. "This is my boyfriend."

Jesse flashed them a smile, one that he had probably practiced beforehand.

My mom just ran out of Andy's hold and hugged Jesse. "Oh," she gushed. "I'm so happy. I knew you two would be great together."

And, I noticed when she pulled away from Jesse, she had tears in her eyes.

Then Andy came over and pulled Jesse into a hug. You know, one of those manly hugs where the guys just pat each other on the back.

You have no idea how happy I was then, either. I mean, my parents were accepting of this and all and it was just...great.

God, I think Jesse's fear of us not being accepted rubbed off on me.

Jake and Brad weren't home then, so we didn't get to tell them.

What a pity.

"See?" I said to Jesse once we finally got out my house. "That turned out fine."

He smiled. "You were right," he said, and he leaned over and kissed me.

If only everything had turned out that well.

A/N: See? That one was longer than the last. I'm getting a little better at this. Now, what you'll wanna do is review for me. :-)