Chapter 11
Throughout that day, Huggy refused to leave the two men. Starsky was almost dead on his feet with exhaustion while Hutch continued to answer most questions with a simple "dunno". It seemed easier for him to do that, and as neither man was a psychiatrist, they had no idea whether they should be trying to get him to say something else, or whether the best thing was just to leave him to settle back into his home as best he could.
Hutch felt calmer now he was back in familiar surroundings. When he let his guard down and his mind began to wander, he knew exactly where he was. He allowed himself the luxury of doing little things. Ordinary things. Things that came naturally to him, the main one being to care for Starsky. In those moments of clarity he understood he was a cop and that Starsky was his partner. He remembered that Starsky was his close friend and that Huggy too was close. But then other memories would start to intrude and they were uncomfortable. He remembered a large black man with a round earnest face and a voice like thunder. On one level he knew him to be called Captain Dobey and that he was their boss. On another level, he represented something bad to do with his past and once again he closed his mind to it and went back to his self-contained exile.
Hutch made tea. He pottered in the kitchen and inspected his plants. The plants were fine, they wouldn't hurt him. No bad memories associated with the plants, he was certain of that. Until he got to a bonsai tree he'd been given. It lived on the ledge of his window and he'd taken it off to water it. As he leaned over it and sniffed appreciatively at the tiny needles of the conifer a sudden memory flash shook him and he cried out at it's clarity.
Trees. Dark. Running. Starsky was with him, and a child. Two children. Starsky was carrying one and he had the smaller of the two in his arms. There were people following him and he was running. Running as though his life depended on it and at his side the dog. Barking. It wouldn't shut up and he bent down to it. The men were coming nearer. He could hear them and yet the dog wouldn't shut up. He put his hand down to it, feeling it's hot breath on the palm of his hand as he pushed it over the animal's muzzle, hating himself, but knowing he had to… had to…. NOO! Too much. Don't think. Don't try to remember it hurts too much.
Starsky heard the muffled cry and levered himself off the sofa where he'd been resting. He rushed over to his friend's side.
'Hutch? What? What's the matter buddy. D'ya hurt?' he asked, concern shining in those indigo eyes
Hutch turned to him, the tiny tree still clutched in his hand. He put it down hurriedly as though it would bite him.
'Dunno' he said automatically. And yet he wanted to tell Starkly what was frightening him. He wanted to explain the memory that haunted him, but not yet. Too soon! It was all too soon for him and he needed time to himself. Time to think? Well no, thinking hurt and he didn't want to do that. But still he reasoned, sooner or later he'd have to start thinking about things. The thought terrified him and a whimper of fear escaped him. Starsky watched his throat bob and the muscles in his jaw work as Hutch tried to find the words. He waited patiently but still all Hutch could mumble at the end was 'Dunno' again and turn away.
He felt he'd let Starsky down when the brunet turned away with a small sigh. 'S'ok buddy. It'll come, no problem. Just come an' lie down and have a rest huh?'
'Rest? Yeah, 'k' the blond muttered and followed obediently as his partner led him back to the sofa. He sat down and stared straight ahead, his mind now no longer a comfortable blank. He was remembering even though he was trying hard not to. And that panicked him even more. His breathing became more laboured as he looked sideways at Starsky.
The brunet would look after him. Maybe he'd take the memories away. Maybe, if he could just tell Starsky what was going on he could…. could….. No, dammit! He didn't want to. Wasn't ready to. He closed his eyes and tried to relax, longing now for the drugs they'd given him in the hospital. The drugs put him to sleep and for a while he could stop remembering without any effort. He strangled down another whimper, his hands playing fitfully with the hem of his tee shirt.
'You ok buddy? Wanna go lie down? Maybe you should try to sleep huh?' Starsky asked, at his wits end for how to help. He felt so useless and yet he was still sure he'd done the right thing in bringing Hutch home. Even though the blond was still quiet and uncommunicative, he was moving around, familiarity lending him an air of purpose.
'Hutch nodded. 'Dun…. Yeah' he said after a moment's thought. Maybe sleep would take away the fear and the memories. He could hide inside his dark dreamless world and rest for a while. Without being bidden, he rose and walked unsteadily to his room.
Starsky watched him go with a sad smile. It broke his heart to see his partner like this and hoped rest would help to mend what the ECT had so obviously broken. Huggy handed him a cup of coffee and sat quietly by while the brunet drank it. Eventually the cop put the cup down and yawned.
'I don't know what to do Hug. I kinda hoped…. well wished… that when he came home he'd just snap out of it. But now? I want him back. I want the Hutch I knew before. This shit scares me an' I feel like I'm losin' him. This is almost worse than if he were in a coma or sumthin. It looks like him, it sounds like him when he talks, but Hutch aint there. It's like he's hidin' from me'.
Huggy nodded. 'He's hidin' from himself Starsk. An' there's only Hutch can find his way out. All we can do is be here for him an' wait. It's tough, I know, but he'll get better. It'll just take time'.
Starsky sighed 'Hope you're right' he said as he stretched, winced and clutched at his side.
'An' you should get some rest while he's sleepin'. The Bear is here, so have no fear. I'll let ya know when he wakes up' the black man said as he stood and helped Starsky up. The brunet nodded gratefully.
'Thanks Huggy. I'm gonna go an' kip down on the cot in his room' he said and made his quiet way into the bedroom, drawing the curtains against the late afternoon sun. Wearily he checked on his partner, who seemed to be resting quietly, then set himself down carefully on the tiny cot at the foot of the bed and closed his eyes. Within seconds, he was asleep.
OOoOoOoOoOoOo
Hutch was dreaming. He was back riding Shadow, his horse through the paddock leading to the trees. Ahead of him he saw Starsky waving to him and he waved back happily. His partner looked well. Tanned and relaxed and welcoming.
He spurred the horse on and felt the animal's easy gate beneath him. He rode easily, enjoying the feeling of the sun on his back and the wind in his hair as he rode steadily closer to the brunet. But the more he rode towards Starsky, the further away he seemed to get until he was no more than a speck in the distance and however fast Shadow galloped, he seemed to get no closer.
And now the sun was disappearing behind a cloud. He could feel the air becoming cooler and within moments night was upon him. Somewhere in the midst of the change, the horse had disappeared and now he was running, a child in his arms and his breath whistling in his throat. Ahead of him women and children ran full tilt for the shelter of the trees and by his side, Starsky was running too, another small child at the side of him, holding his hand and its thin, spindly legs pounding at the caked earth and dry grasses.
He looked behind him and he could see a group of Mexicans bearing down on him. Two were on horses, three more were on foot. All carried guns and now shots rang out as he continued to run.
His legs were tiring, but the tree line was getting closer and as another bullet kicked up a plume of dirt near his feet he dived for the dark cover, his partner at his side. They didn't stop. Instead they pushed on through the dense undergrowth as the sounds of the men grew closer. The dog ran at his side, barking and he hissed at it to stop. It barked at him, it's tongue lolling out of its mouth as it panted heavily, keeping up with him stride for stride, barking happily and giving away their location.
Another bullet rang out and he heard Starsky cry out, stumble and fall. The brunet had been ahead of him and he saw the young girl who'd run with him kneel by his side, running her hand over his face. He heard Starsky grunt "Run" and pushed the child ahead of him as he rolled onto his side, then onto his back, clutching at his side.
Hutch ran to him, tripping over the undergrowth. He felt his ankle snap and he swallowed down the scream of pain, launching himself to the ground next to his partner. He took a hold of Starsky's body and pulled it close to him as another shot rang out and nicked his side. He grunted and batted at the dog that refused to leave his side. It barked merrily at him and he hissed at it to be quiet.
It continued making that infernal row and now he could hear the Mexicans coming for him. He could hear their machetes slicing through the undergrowth and yet the dog continued to give away their location. He glanced behind him and saw the women and children disappearing into the dark forest like wraiths into the night and he sighed in relief that at least they'd got away.
Now it was just the two of them and the dog. With a feeling of dread, he pushed his hand over the dogs' muzzle, clamping its mouth closed. He felt it trying to draw breath around his hand and still he hung on, silencing its barking. It tried again, the sound muffled now as it's body started to shudder convulsively in his arms. And yet he knew he had to keep it quiet and he hung on as the Mexicans passed on by them and continued their search.
Hutch hung on to the dog's body long after it had stopped struggling and it hung limp from his hands. Tears flowed down his cheeks as his hand cramped around it's muzzle, his other hand held protectively around his partner's unconscious body as he rocked backwards and forwards. He stayed like that for a long time, refusing to move or even breathe in case their attackers came back. And slowly the cold night air seeped into his bones and he became stiff and sore, his blood flowing from the wound on his side to mingle with the brunet's on the ground.
And when he heard the other sound, he placed the dog's dead body tenderly onto the ground and took up his gun, threatening the men who shone a bright torch into his wild, fear filled eyes and refusing them access to himself or his partner until Dobey appeared and talked to him in a low soothing voice.
And as he listened to his Captain, he started to shake and tears once more sprang to his eyes. He didn't notice the paramedic coming up behind him and hardly felt the needle being pushed into his arm. And as he collapsed slowly forward he didn't feel the hands that lifted him and the two other bodies and carry them to the waiting ambulance.
When he'd woken later, he was in that strange place. The one with the white walls and the men with the needles and he'd looked around for his partner. But he was on his own and fear clutched at his heart as he yelled out into the loneliness.
'STARSKYYYYYYY'.
