Chapter 11

EPOV

Unfamiliar arms wrap around me. So foreign. And cold. Those smiles make me cringe. And these touches make me want to lean away. I'm here but I'm not here. She's miles away, but she's everywhere.

I feel so fucking faded, yet she is clear in my mind. Day and fucking night. Wake up by random girl and I'm thinking about her. Her when I gulp my drink. Still her when I pop these pills. Peter tells me to get my shit together. More prescription drugs, more tight schedules. Well, fuck him, right?

I'm high on stage. I vomit. I feel like I'm sick. And it's more than physically. My hardly-called home becomes a silent witness of my downfall, my breakdown. None of my drunk-texts are replied by her. Neither are my calls. It's just like she's erasing my existence. And I'm here, gripping her remaining pieces for whole life.

How can you be so cold, baby? I cry inside.

Everyone says my love is toxic, but so what? No one can love her like I do. This is what real love is. It won't be happiness and sunshine all along. Love is about storm and survive. Not many people understand it. So I'm okay with everyone judging my asshole moves. Have been so long in this industry, the pressure does nothing to me now.

"You look so down lately." Despite of my mood, I grin at her. Bruna was the girl I met in Brazil two weeks ago. Always so fucking sexy to look at. Tempting when she needs to be. She's just a perfect distraction.

"Do I?" I quirk my eyebrow and she sits on my lap casually.

"What's on your mind?" she asks. Sexy but so fucking noisy. I really hate the girl who talks too much.

"Nothing." I reply flatly. But she doesn't get the clue.

"You can tell me, you know." Oh, so you have a story to sell, huh? No, thank you. Been there, done that. I've learned from my mistakes. Besides, I'm just with her for like, what, a week, and now she feels like she has the right asking me questions?

"There's nothing to tell." I sigh, calming my temper. She has to fucking test it, though. Her next words send me to the edge of my patience.

"Is it about Bella?"

"What do you want, Bruna?" I ask her with the best nice tone I can utter.

"Well, I just think you shouldn't be thinking about someone else when you're with me." She replies. Arms are crossed over her chest. Is she serious?

I laugh humorlessly, shaking my head in disbelief. "I don't have time for this shit. Get out of here."

I wonder why she looks so surprised.

"What? What are you…" Then she inhales deeply, trying to gain her composure. "Okay, fine. I'm sorry if I annoy you. Maybe we'll talk again later when your mood isn't this bad."

"No. Pack your bags."

"W-what?"

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"Answer the damn phone! Answer the damn phone!" I mumble angrily, pressing her number over and over again. Still nothing. I know so well that she just chooses not to answer. Every single day I feel like I'm losing her more and more. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" I throw my phone across the room. The sound is deafening in this quiet room.

Emmett chooses to show up in the doorway. "Are you okay?"

"Why did she not answer my fucking calls?!" I practically snap at him. Anger overtakes me. It's all her fault I'm such a mess.

"Maybe she's busy. She's on tour too." He replies calmly. This scene is usual for him.

"No. She's just ignoring me, I know it." I say bitterly, grabbing my hair in frustration. "And she's still with the fucker. How can she do this to me?"

Emmett looks at me like the reason is obvious. But I'm glad he decides to keep his mouth shut.

"Book me a flight to New York."

He sighs. "She's not there. She's on tour right now."

"So what? I'll fucking wait for her. As usual."

"Peter won't allow that. Your show is in three days." He says. I narrow my eyes at him even though what he says is true. Peter will kill me for that, but right now, of course I don't care.

"I'll talk to him." I decide, grabbing my jacket from the couch and ready to go. Bu this man is intentionally blocking the doorway.

"She has a show in San Francisco tomorrow." He informs me all of a sudden. His expression is a mix of tired and giving up. "I'll find the ticket if you want."

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She's so hot on stage wearing a sheer nude shirtdress over a sexy designer-brand bodysuit. Her pumps are high, but she's walking on it like it's nothing. Her brown hair is tied in stylish bun and her makeup is natural. My girl is stunning.

Her smile is so wide when she hears a tremendous cheer from this crowd. Her loyal fans. I'm looking at her, proud and longing. Happy that she has made it this far. She totally deserves this success.

"The next song is about quitting." She says. I catch how sadness clouds her face briefly. "You know, when you keep getting hurt and you finally see it's not going to work anymore? Yeah, it's about that."

About us. As always.

She takes a position at the center of the stage, clasping both hands around her mic, unaware I'm watching every move, every reaction she makes. The music begins and the crowd screams even louder as she sings.

"Cut me through my skin, through the heart, yeah you went right in. I fell for every word you said."

"I can't leave but I can't stay. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Why some things have to be this way."

"We built it up to break it down. Then we're lost until we're found. And we're high further from the crown."

"If all is fair in love and war I can't do this anymore. So unfair. So unfair. So unfair to me."

Everyone is stunned, just like me. As if we can really feel her pain.

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"What are you doing here?!" Alice almost looks shocked as I make my way to the staff-only area. Hatred is radiated from her body like a wave.

"Where is she?" I ask her instead, searching the door with her name on it.

"Get the fuck out. She doesn't want to see you anymore." She replies, preventing me to go further. I ignore her. Besides, her tiny body isn't enough to block my way. "Hey, what are you doing?! Do your fucking job! Drag him out of here!" she snaps to some bodyguards who are just standing not far from us. They did nothing, of course, because no one dares to touch me if Emmett is by my side.

"Look, tiny, you should really mind your fucking business, you know." I say, making her even angrier. When she looks like she's ready to freaking smack me, Bella is out of her hidden place.

"Let him, Al." She says. Eyes are avoiding me.

"But, Bella—"

"It's okay." She cuts in.

I smirk at Alice as I pass her, before following Bella to her dressing room. The door is closed behind me and now I face the t-shirt and converse girl I fall in love with. My girl is standing so far away, creating the distance she knows I hate so much.

"Your show was amazing."

She looks surprised for a second. "Oh, you were watching?" I nod. "Why?" she asks again. As if this thing is confusing.

"You've been ignoring my calls." I point out. But her expression is indifferent.

"Yeah, what about that?" I raise my eyebrow at her words. She says this like it's nothing. And I admit it hurts a little.

"Oh, right, what about that?" I repeat it mockingly.

"I'm tired, Edward." She sighs all of a sudden, ending our fight before it really begins. I'm torn between confronting her and letting it go. Thank God, the sanest part of me wins.

"Right. I should let you get some rest."

"Maybe we can talk tomorrow." She says. But even I can tell that it's not a promise.

"Can I come with you?"

Her reply is quick, but expected. "No."

"Come to my show then. We'll talk after that."

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BPOV

I can't believe I actually come here. When Emmett gave me the ticket of his concert two days ago, I was tempted to throw it to the trash can. Now I regret I didn't really do that. I'm dressed in short black dress and white stilettos. These stuffs are brand new in my closet, thanks to Alice. So I think they will do.

Last night, Edward uploaded a throwback picture of us kissing to his Instagram which of course, has caused a stir in social media. The gossip is always back and forth between us. Classic. As much as I want to avoid it, the media will always relate me to him. I don't know why.

I sit in my row, unfocusedly watching him singing for the crowd. I'm thinking about my regret for coming here when his voice pulls me from my musings. He really has a voice like an angel. And the deep meaning behind this song makes me want to wrap my arms around him and forgive all of his mistakes. Edward is always good with playing words.

"But I'm not just a fuck-up, I'm the fuck-up you need. I don't hear nobody when you focus on me. Perfectly imperfect, yeah, I hope that you see."

"Don't leave. Shut your mind off and let your heart breathe. You don't need to be worried. I may not ever get my shit together. But ain't no body gonna love you better than me."

"Don't go. What we have here is irreplaceable. No, I won't trade this for nothing. I may not ever get my shit together. But ain't nobody gonna love you better than me."

After the show is over, I go to the backstage, avoiding the cameras as best as I can. Some of his staffs glance at me curiously, but I keep going. That is, until I bump into someone. It's Peter.

"Bella?"

Of course he's surprised.

"Hey, Peter, how are you?" I greet him lamely.

"I'm fine, thank you. How about you? I don't know you're coming."

"I'm good." I force a smile. This is very awkward. "Yeah, it's kinda…unplanned, actually. Umm…have you seen Edward?"

"He's in the dressing room. There, two doors from here."

"Right, thanks. Well, I gotta go."

"My pleasure." He says.

I walk to the direction he gave me and stop when I find the door with Masen written on it. Well, what now? Shall I knock? Or can I just enter? Damn it, why am I so fucking nervous? He's the one who wants to talk to me.

I calm myself for a minute before going straight to open the door.

"Emmett, I told you not to fucking disturb me." His tone is so annoyed.

I find him lying on the couch with eyes closed, wearing only basketball shorts. His messy hair is damp from the shower.

"Oh, should I go?"

"Baby?" His eyes are open immediately. And I pretend I didn't hear what he just called me. "I can't believe you come." He rises up to a sitting position while I let myself in to the room.

"Well, you said you wanted to talk." I reply.

"Yeah, kind of. I don't know." His hand runs over his hair. He doesn't look so sure about it.

I narrow my eyes. "What do you mean you don't know?"

"Shit, no, I mean I know but…" he sighs deeply. "Look, can you sit for a minute? Stop being so far away." His sweet words are the most dangerous ones. I choose to sit on the chair, still wanting to keep the distance. He doesn't look happy. "Have you eaten? Want me to order something for you?"

"No, I'm good."

"Okay…"

"I have to go back to my hotel shortly." I tell him, urging to hurry.

"Right. I'm told you'll fly to New York tomorrow." He says in disappointment. I keep my face straight. "Are you still with him?"

"Who? Jake? We're friends."

"Yeah, of course." He snorts, looking at me like I'm the one who's crazy.

"Oh, so I can't be friends with anyone?" I want to yell at him, but I keep my tone down instead. This fight is useless.

"It's not like that. It's just…he's no good for you, baby."

"And you are?" I ask bitterly.

"No. I'm not." He admits, ashamed. "I just…I care for you, okay?"

I can't help but laugh at that. "And you don't, Edward. You just care about yourself."

"You don't fucking understand." He spits out venomously.

"Well, enlighten me then."

"Can we not fight for a second? This is exhausting." He inhales.

"I don't know what you want, Edward. You can't expect me to stay when you're leaving. It's just…unfair to me."

"I'm sorry, baby." He pleads, taking my hand in his. I let him. Because I know he knows his apology doesn't change anything. This is the last thing he can do. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I promise. Please. Forgive me."

Those eyes are killing me, but I try not to fall for it. "I have to go."

"Don't do this to me, baby." He begs sadly. "Please. I love you."