11.
These stars defy love, so I close my eyes and sleep inside your worn-in bed outline...
Hanna sighed and wiped away the stray tear that had fallen down her cheek as she lay on her bed, staring up at the celling, just thinking.
It made it easier to think now the house was back to being quiet. The silence she had hated so much a few weeks ago had returned, it was different, but it was back and so she spent most of her time curled up on her bed, or wandering around her bedroom aimlessly.
She didn't like going downstairs and having to pretend to the two people who should know her more than anyone. Having to pretend that she was happy her dad had come running back when his latest secretary dumped him, having to pretend that it all wasn't going to end again as soon as her dad got bored and found someone else, someone younger and more gullible to fuck.
She'd tried to warn her Mom, reminding her of how big of a mess he made last time he left and how it was only going to happen again but the red-head had just changed the subject, ignoring her daughters fears and leaving her to only guess why her parents were pretending like the years of cheating and shouting and lying had never happened.
She had given up after that and decided to stay out of their way and let them make their own mistakes whilst she wrapped herself up in her duvet and his tatty hoodie, trying to bring herself some comfort, even though it only upset her more.
Again, she had let another week pass without seeing him- not even in the corridors or classrooms. There were rumours swirling around Rosewood High that he had skipped town, on top of the ones that he was a killer, a murderer, a danger to the town.
She knew Mona was using her master-manipulating skills on Sean and Noel without even speaking to the bitch since she left her on the stairs to follow Caleb out of the party last week. Her name was nowhere to be heard in any of the twisted stories seeping through the town. No one knew she slept with the psycho killer, let alone ever even talked to him- saving her reputation and more importantly Mona's. She couldn't be friends with someone who was friends with the towns reject.
It wasn't what Hanna ever wanted- to be popular, it was what Mona wanted and being her best friend she couldn't have ever allowed her actions to cause the brunette to sink down into looser Mona again. They were in this together, until Caleb was thrown in the mix and her feelings for him were stronger than the bond she had with Mona after only a week of knowing him. He was different than everyone else, she trusted him and she was the only person he had trusted to tell his secret which had meant so much to her, until she ended up blabbing it to the word in her drunk, upset state.
She couldn't blame Mona for it all though, she was just desperate not to be a looser again, to be noticed and liked and never feel worthless ever again. And she guessed she had too but now she realised that in the real world all that didn't matter.
Outside of Rosewood there wasn't groups of people based off their popularity or how they dressed, people were just themselves and made friends with who they wanted to be friends with and ignored everyone else. People fell in love with who they wanted to fall in love with, who they shared a deep connection with no matter how different they were.
It was all just attention seeking. She hadn't seen it at the start but now it was crystal clear and she had no idea how other people didn't see it too, or maybe they did and just chose to ignore it. Either way Hanna was done fighting for popularity and done caring what other people thought about her, apart from Caleb.
"Hanna," There was a knock on the door before her mum stepped inside, dressed in a tight dress and pointed heels. "Your dads taking me out for dinner, I've left money on the side so you can order takeout."
She nodded, trying to wipe away any trace of tears from her cheeks before she sat up.
"Are you okay baby?" Ashley frowned with concern, stepping further into the room and perching on the edge of the bed. "Why don't you invite Mona around?" She suggested. "Or that boy-"
"Caleb." The blonde finished for her, before lowering her gaze.
"Did something happen? Have you fallen out?" Ashley pressed, her hand stroking Hanna's knee as she tried to figure out why her daughter was upset.
"I fell out with Mona." She rolled her eyes, biting down on her lip. "But I don't know what's happened with Caleb," She lied, her eyes collecting water again, before her head dropped to her hands. "I think he hates me."
"Why? What happened?" She knew Hanna was beating herself up for whatever happened and she hated seeing her daughter look so guilty.
"I said stuff and I shouldn't have and now- I don't even know." She sniffled, pulling down her black sleeves to wipe her eyes. It wasn't like she could talk to her mum properly about all this.
"Do you know where he lives? Maybe you should call around and talk to him." Her fingers traced over Hanna's leg soothingly.
"I've never been inside." She shrugged.
"Well who does he live with?"
"Just his foster mom."
"Oh," Ashley pursed her lips and nodded before grabbing Hanna's hand. "You should talk to him Han, I don't think it will be as bad as you think, it never is." She pressed a kiss to her forehead. "He seemed nice."
"He is." A small smile spread across her face as she brought her knees up to her chest. She felt bad for not going to see him all week, but every time she made a move to slip out of the house at midnight she felt sick, her head filling with the image of hurt on his face at the party, the hurt she caused. She couldn't deal with him shouting at her again she couldn't deal with him hating her and anyway, there was a chance he wasn't even in Rosewood anymore.
"If you want I can cancel at the restaurant and we can watch a movie and eat pizza here instead?" Ashley suggested, still not satisfied with leaving Hanna on her own.
"With dad?" She mumbled into her knees, her blue eyes blinking again.
"He's not going to go to a restaurant on his own is he?" The older woman raised an eyebrow as Hanna sank back into her pillows again. "I thought you'd want him more involved now he's back."
"I'll be fine here." She ignored her mothers last sentence. "Go out and have fun." Her tone was sharp.
Ashley sighed again, standing up from the bed and scanning over her daughter. "At least get out of bed and go downstairs, watch tv or something Han." She tried, her fingers running over a brown mark on the hoodie she was tangled up in. "Who's is this?"
"Caleb's." Hanna grunted, swatting her mums hand away from the cigarette burn on the front of it and pulling her duvet up.
"Right." Ashley nodded. "See you later."
Her mothers words were ringing in her ears and drowning out the twisting feeling in her stomach as she pulled his hood over her head, his scent circling her neck and filling her with warmth.
It won't be as bad as you think.
All she could do was hope that her mom was right, that Caleb wasn't going to shout at her again, hurt her, tell her he hated her. The guilt she felt had been riding around on her back all week and had only doubled in weight as she circled her block the third time that night before heading into town.
She was starting to panic now, staring to worry that he had left town and left her without so much as a goodbye. The cold wind blew across her face, pushing the hoodie from her head and reminding her of the night he took her out on his bike, the night he kissed her for the first time and suddenly her feet were moving faster and her hands were clenching inside her pockets with hope, until his body came into view.
He was sat crossed legged on the floor, pressed up against the back wall of the supermarket with his bike at his feet and a constant stream of smoke leaving his lips. "Caleb," She mumbled under her breath, taking small steps until she was right beside him.
He looked up at her with bloodshot eyes as a thin line of red trickled down his forehead from an open gash. "Why are you here?"
"What happened to your head? Did someone hurt you?" She didn't answer his question as she dropped to her knees beside him.
"I fell off my bike." He mumbled, his words slightly slurred as he picked at a hole in the knee of his jeans and she saw another gash seeping blood from under the fabric.
"You're drunk." She muttered, more to herself as she sat back against the wall before she rolled her eyes. "You were riding your bike drunk?"
"And high." He added with a bitter smirk. "Shame there isn't a river nearby."
Hanna swallowed as she watched him rip the hole in his jeans even wider, his eyes haunted with a sad gaze as his long hair covered his face. "You should go home."
"Don't have one." He muttered, tilting his head back against the brick wall as he laughed to himself. "It's probably a good thing or I'd be locked on some psych ward by now."
"What do you mean?" She asked, her hand griping his chin to make him look at her as he cracked another drunken smirk.
"Doesn't matter." He slurred again, reaching into his pocket to pull out another cigarette as she stood up, her arm wrapping around his to pull him up too.
"You need to sleep everything off." She sighed. In some way she was relieved that he seemed too out of it to remember he was mad at her yet, but at the same time his current state scared her. What if she hadn't had found him? What if he'd stayed here all night? Or someone else found him? "Why are you out here anyway? You could get killed."
"You'll kill me." He grumbled as she pulled him to his feet and he coughed on all the smoke in his system.
"What?" Her eyes were wide as she swallowed a lump in her throat. This was it. This is what she'd been so afraid of. Even in his stoned, messed up state he was mad at what she'd done, mad at what she'd ruined between them.
"You were the first person to talk to me here and you made me feel like you cared about me and I fucking fell for it and, and I thought I could stay here and be happy with you," His eyes met her's as he stood up straight, his head spinning although his face remained expressionless. "And then you opened your stupid little mouth and now you come here and look at me like that and make me think that you care about me again."
"I do Caleb," She pursed her lips as his body swayed slightly and she reached over to help him stand properly. "I do care about you."
"See," He sighed, his nose pressing against her cheek as he strained his eyes and leant into her. "If you cared you wouldn't take over my head. I should've left this shitty town by now, but every time I try to all I can think about is you."
A small smile crept onto her face at that before she pressed a delicate kiss to his temple and held his hand tighter. "That is not my fault." She whispered. "You get inside my head too."
He didn't say anything after that, just watched her with his hands tucked in his pockets as she propped his bike up against the wall, knowing she wouldn't be able to manage both it and Caleb on the short walk back to his house.
He stumbled slightly, his shoulders hunched against his ears as he tried to keep the cold out and his eyes started to wander. "Come on." Hanna grabbed his hand again to speed him up.
"Why are you so bossy today?" He mumbled, grinning to himself. "I don't like being told what to do, but you make it hot."
"Shut up." She held in a smile as she pulled him along and fought back a blush.
"Sorry," His brown eyes dropped down to hers. "I didn't mean to make to uncomfortable," He held her gaze for a few seconds before he ruffled her hair and carried on walking ahead. "You're bad at taking compliments even though you're pretty and funny and hot."
She rolled her eyes and took his hand again and his feet tangled together, her teeth biting down on her bottom lip before she cuddled herself into his arm. "Thank you, I guess."
"It's a pleasure." He smirked, leaning some of his weight against her again. "I walked past your house."
"When?" She looked at him inquisitively, she'd been half glued to her window, waiting for him to pass by at night so she could at least know he was still in Rosewood.
"I dunno, last night or something, I don't remember." He shrugged his shoulders. "Your dads car's still there."
"I know," She sighed, so much for Caleb distracting her. "My mom took him back so he's living with us again."
"You don't want him to?" Caleb squeezed her hand and tilted his head at her. Even stoned out his head he could make her open up with one glance.
"I do- I would if I thought he was back for good but, I know he's not." She sighed, fighting back tears that threatened to fall. "He'll leave in a few weeks or months and my mom will be left a mess again and I'll have to help her and I don't want to go through that again."
"Parents are so fucking stupid." Caleb lowered his gaze as he felt the emptiness inside his chest grow. "They're selfish dicks."
Hanna frowned as she watched their feet moving along the sidewalk. "Not all are."
"Most are." He mumbled. "Almost non give their kids what they deserve."
"What do you mean?"
"We don't choose to exist, it's our parents that choose, and even if it's an accident it's still their choice to fuck." He grumbled. "So they should dedicate their sad little lives to their kids, give them everything they need and stop making up excuses for being shit." Hanna bit her lip as she squeezed his hand tighter. "And people should stop judging kids for taking advantage of their parents, we don't get the choice of life so we might as well take as much as we fucking can from it."
She nodded as she thought about what he was saying and the sadness that shadowed over his eyes as he spoke. "Do you miss your parents?"
"I don't remember them. The only time I've ever really wanted my mom was when I got out of juvie and there was no one to take me home, or no one to come visit me when I was inside and just be there whilst I got beat up everyday." He answered, letting go of her hand as they reached his house and Hanna headed down the overgrown path. "I don't like it here."
"There's no where else to go Caleb," She sighed, her hand hesitantly reaching for the door handle before she stuck her head around it to find the building surrounded in darkness. "Where's your foster mom?"
"Probably passed out in bed." He shrugged, pouting as she took his hand again and pulled him through the front door. "She's an alcoholic, only fosters me for money to buy more vodka."
Hanna nodded and carefully followed Caleb through the messy house to the back room. He opened the door and stepped inside first, revealing a scruffy mattress on the floor with a wooden chair he was using to dump his clothes on.
She watched as he shuffled across the floor, kicking off his boots and stripping out of his clothes before he climbed under the thin sheet he had. "Where's the bathroom?" She asked, swallowing a lump in her throat before following his mumble.
It only took a few seconds to grab him a glass of water and wet a face cloth to clean the cuts on his forehead and knee. She knew now why he hated coming home, why he'd rather spend his nights walking around the town and doing everything possible to stay away from this place.
The smell of stale alcohol and dirt and grime clung to everything and it made her chest hurt that it was her words that had driven him to get wasted, and eventually to return back here. The whole town hated him, feared him and her mistake left him with no where to go but back to this place where a grotty mattress and worn-in blanket was his home.
He winced as she wiped all the dirt out of his cut before making him drink the water and climbing in next to him. "You can't stay here." He mumbled, his eyes dropping with tiredness as he shifted closer to her body for warmth. "Go home."
"I'll go when you fall asleep." She whispered back to him, laying her head right next to his and wrapping an arm around his bare chest. Her lips gravitating to his forehead, all the guilt she had inside reflecting out through her caring actions. "I'm sorry."
"Stop apologising." He rolled his eyes. "And stop blaming yourself."
"I can't." Her thumb ran over his cheek as she wondered whether he'd remember any of this tomorrow. "You have to put up with people calling you a killer and spitting down on you, people you don't even know."
"I can deal with all that." He mumbled against her shoulder.
"Then why do you want to leave?" She sighed, her lip quivering as she thought about not knowing where he was in the world. "Why do you have to hide from everyone?"
"I can deal with all their stupid insult and the sneering but I can't cope with the look in their eyes." His voice wobbled and Hanna held him tighter. "It's like a constant reminder of what I did and I can't cope with it. I'd rather be somewhere where no one knows me and no one cares about me than be reminded every day that I killed my friend by complete strangers that are using my fucked up life as a distraction from their own." A single tear ran down his cheek before Hanna quickly swiped it away, her fingers running through his hair as her own eyes welled with tears. "So I have to go and you have to stay here."
"Okay." She sniffled and watched as his eyes dropped closed. She wasn't going to argue with him right now. "Just tell me when you do go so that you're not here anymore."
A long breath left his lips as she closed her eyes too and they were both submerged in darkness. "I will."
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